All C&C my opinions and suggestions only.
Gary Kleppe wrote:
All C&C welcomed and appreciated, public preferred. Find my
other schtuff at: <http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html>.
FOR A DYING FRIEND
Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe
Kidney deterioration. I think of Mrs. Yamane from next door, how
three years ago the ambulance came to her house to take her to the
hospital. Her kidneys were bad, they said; but they put her on a
Comma before the 'but' rather than a semi-colon.
dialysis machine and eventually transplanted another kidney into her
body, and she was able to come home. How I wish that were possible in
this case.
...
The outer room is empty as I enter and sit on one of the padded
benches. Colorful pamphlets lay on the table in front of me, explaining
the importance of timely vaccinations and proper hygiene. I don't feel
like reading.
Hehe. You've scattered a lot of subtle clues about the true nature of the
'hospital' in these early scenes. I had to reread to pick up most of them.
Well done.
"Well, no, of course not," he answered a bit too forcefully, as
if trying to convince himself. "But why *that* guy? I'm at least twice
as handsome!" He knew full well what the name of Kodachi's new love
interest was, but refused to admit it to himself.
Ryoga Hibiki? Oh wait, he actually does catch a break in this fic and avoids
that one. ^_^
"Pack your belongings. We're leaving tomorrow morning."
"We leaving?" Shampoo looked up, surprised. "Where we go?"
"Back to China. Ranma is no longer a suitable husband for you."
"HEY! I am so!" Ranma looked at Shampoo, then at me. "I mean,
not that I will, but if I did, I would be! Got that, old ghoul?"
This really does seem a little hasty for everyone's favourite Chinese ghoul.
While she might know the negative past results of all such cases, it doesn't
seem in her character to simply abandon a project in which she's invested so
much time and effort ('acquiring' Ranma, that is ^_^) without at least one
or two attempts at finding a cure.
"Ranma, there's an old Amazon saying that you might wish to bear
in mind." Cologne hopped down from the chair to the floor. "A true
warrior only fights when fighting is to her advantage."
Turning, he looked her directly in the eyes. "His."
She saluted him with a grim smile, and we left the Nekohanten
for what would be the last time.
Cool exchange. Very cool.
"Really?" I read it. *For some victims, the curses of Jusenkyo
may eventually require hotter and hotter water to undo, soon leaving the
victim fixed in cursed form. In such cases,*
The page ended there. Ranma turned to the next one. I began to
feel hopeful.
I continued reading. *...there is no known way to remove the
curse. For this reason, Jusenkyo should be avoided at all costs.*
It might actually be easier for Akane to be reading aloud the passages from
the book here. Simple quotes would be more effective, IMO, than the unusual
symbols which might distract readers.
"Thinkin' about that story, and this thing with the curse...
I've figured out something that I didn't really know before."
"What's that, Ranma?"
"My pop is a complete idiot."
Akane: What?! You didn't realize that before?
Ranma: Well, I knew he was a complete jerk, totally irresponsible, immoral
and unethical, but I never figured he was utterly stupid.
Akane: Uh huh. So when did you start polishing up on your vocab?
Ranma: ....
Grabbing a shirt and skirt from the closet, I managed to get
dressed. I figured on having to drag Ranma forcibly out of bed; but as I
came downstairs I knew I was wrong. He was already there, talking to
someone on the telephone.
Again an unusual semi-colon before the 'but'. A comma might be more
appropriate.
"Check this out." He handed me a piece of paper. The picture on
it showed a man in full scuba gear, complete with cyclopean mask and
duck-like flippers.
I handed it back. "Where'd you get it?"
"From Nabiki. See what this guy's wearing? It's a wet suit. But
in my case, it's gonna be a dry suit. I'm goin' over to Kinnikuatama's
sporting goods right now to get one."
Akane: So how much did it cost you?
Ranma: Only 2700 yen! What a bargain! That means.... That means I can't
afford the wetsuit! Damn you, Nabiki!
"What would you suggest, Mrs. Saotome?" Maybe she would be able
to help. As the old saying went, with age comes wisdom, or at least if
you didn't end up as an underwear-stealing pervert.
"It is the gods' will, evidently, that Ranma, at least for the
present, is to be a woman. So, he should learn how to be a woman."
"How do you mean?" I asked, not liking where this was going.
"Buy him some women's clothes. Take him on 'girls' nights out.'
Go to a cooking class together."
"Thank you, Mrs. Saotome," I said. "I'll give your idea all the
consideration it deserves." I hung up.
Akane: Now where's the rubbish bin?
Seriously, I'm not certain about this response from Nodoka here; it seems a
little trite. It might be better if she went on the head-hunting trail
again.
Nodoka [waves her katana wildly]: I'm not a total flake, you know!
Ranma [ducks to avoid said katana as it embeds itself next to his head]:
Yikes! Watch it, Mom. Wait, this means... you're not really over the seppuku
thing! You're still tryin' to cut off my head! Waaaah! [runs off]
Nodoka: Wait, Ranma! Hmm, Ranma crying, running away.... Oh, Ranma, I have
these lovely white robes for you to wear....
"Like what, Ranma? I thought you were a man! Isn't that what
you've always said? 'I'm a guy; but my body doesn't know it.'"
Third unusual semi-colon. Since this is a spoken sentence, either a comma or
a full stop would do the trick here, depending on what connotation you want
to place.
Has Ranma ever said something like this? I don't recall it.
I had the urge to explain to him just how stupid he was being --
while pounding his head into the floor for emphasis. Normal girls?
Normal girls didn't fight martial arts brawls out in public. Normal
girls obeyed school administrators instead of beating them up. What did
we care what normal people did? And there was no telling how long it
would take to find a cure; maybe forever.
But Akane really does care what others will think of her marrying a
half-girl. She shows this time after time in the manga. You might want to
consider showing a little more uncertainty in her thoughts.
After I was sure she'd finished, I leaned over to her, lowering
my voice. "Ran-chan-- I mean, Ranma's having a problem with his curse
right now. He can't change back into a man. We... we're not sure if
there's a way to fix it."
Her mouth popped open in surprise. Her face drew closer to mine.
"Are you serious?"
Kiss her, Ucchan, kiss her! ^_^
Yeah, that frigid, icy attitude is really just a mask to disguise the fact
that Ucchan is upset 'cause _Akane_ chose to marry Ranma, instead of
choosing her. Oh wait, this isn't one of those stories. Rats.
The ceremony went off without a hitch; after everything we'd
been through, it was quite anticlimactic. Ranma seemed almost
disappointed that no one showed up to demand that he marry her (or him)
instead. I could almost see his ego deflating. *You're damaged goods,
Saotome; no one wants you anymore.*
What?! Not even Mikado Sanzenin showing up to claim a second kiss? :)
It was strange to think that the change in Ranma's curse had
brought us together. But then, that was how life worked for us
sometimes. I've often thought that Ranma and I were connected by a
Chinese finger band -- the kind that grips tighter the harder you try to
pull apart. Instead of taking us to the Cave of Lost Love in an attempt
to break us up, Ukyo should've just arranged for everyone to leave us
alone for a month.
This is so true of Takahashi relationships. All born and simmered in the
cauldron of stress and conflict.
I had just finished with the last student of the day and was
about to get started on dinner. A news reader's voice blared from the
television speaker; some observer from the UN claimed that seismic
reports indicated that the Japanese government was carrying out illegal
nuclear tests. Just another day.
Oh ho, Ryojira perhaps? :)
I'd suggest 'reports of underground explosions' instead of 'seismic reports'
if this is the connotation you're intending.
Eventually, the crowd began to thin out. Ranma and I made our
goodbyes as we drifted toward the exit. Kasumi waved at us. "Byebye!"
"Kasumi..." A smile crept onto Ranma's face. "Thanks."
With eyes wide, she looked back at him. "Oh my. For what?"
Heh. Classic canon Kasumi. Excellent job.
My arms sagged, and I noticed that I was still carrying a bag
full of groceries in each of them. With an undignified grunt, I lugged
them into the kitchen and began putting them in their proper places.
Maybe I had no right to know what Ranma and Ryoga were talking about.
Maybe it was something personal between them, something that I had no
part in unless one of them decided to confide in me.
Hmm. Canon Akane would probably have a glass and ear to the door by now. :)
It was a busy time for all of us. Ranma and I did more public
martial arts demonstrations; word of mouth spread, and students flocked
to the dojo. Many, of course, quit as soon as they appreciated how
difficult it really was to learn the arts that it had taken us a
lifetime to master; but others persevered.
Fourth unusual incidence of a semi-colon. A comma would do the trick here.
Meanwhile, we continued to search for a way for Ranma to be male
again. We traveled to ancient caves and remote temples; deciphered
forbidden scrolls and learned secret techniques. And Ranma stayed
female.
Perhaps 'But Ranma stayed female.'?
"Ranma, he's a *pig!*" It was so ridiculous that it took all my
self-control to keep from laughing. "A pig, *not* a person! Pigs just
don't live as long as people do."
Erm. This seems awfully callous of Akane, considering all the attention and
affection she's displayed toward P-chan in the manga. Perhaps something like
this:
"But Ranma, he's a pig." It was so terribly sad to have P-chan back, only
for something like this to happen. "Ranma, pigs don't live as long as
humans. They have shorter, much shorter lifespans. And P-chan...." My voice
trembled slighted before I managed to recover. "Well, P-chan may not even
have that much."
My husband collapses into my arms. I embrace him with all my
strength; his shirt squishes, and I can feel the wetness seeping into my
dress, and I don't care. Ranma begins to sob, like a girl, I want to
think, but that's not right; like a human being, one who's just lost a
friend. Perhaps I'll never understand what was really between them, a
friendship so strong that Ranma was willing to give up his one chance at
a cure to save his friend's life by making him a human.
Hmm. Akane, oblivious to the end. Nice touch.
Maybe none of us can really understand. Maybe all we can do is
to plow ahead, taking whatever life gives us. I don't know. I'm too
tired to think anymore.
I look at Ranma, and notice that he's fallen asleep in my arms.
I want to join him, but one of us needs to get us back home. I glance
down at the table for a final look, one final snapshot for the scrapbook
that was my memory. Goodbye, P-chan.
Cool.
Well, an interesting branch from a rather tired premise (Ranma getting stuck
as a girl). It sort of feels a bit like a half-and-half story, but the
melding point is good enough that I didn't notice it in reading the story,
only after, when I thought back.
As always, descriptive prose was excellent and the dialogue flowed well. One
point I'd like to make here was that the beginning descriptions (hospital
scenes) were written in present tense and this changes later on in the work.
Not really jarring, and I'm not sure if this was your intent, so I'll just
point it out in case you want to correct it.
That's all, folks!
Phil.