All C&C welcomed and appreciated, public preferred.
Whee! Let's swamp Gary with commentary! :)
Please find attached, etc... there were so many prior public responses to
this that I'm afraid I'll have to forego my usual practice of not
repeating what others have said unless I disagree with it, though.
Sorry...
Also, I'm commenting on second reading. 'Ware spoilers, ye swabs!
Find my
other schtuff at: <http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html>.
FOR A DYING FRIEND
Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe
"Yes," I say, and hear the anger and frustration in my voice. I
shouldn't get mad at the doctor. It's not his fault. Whose it is, who
really deserves to be the target of the emotions I'm feeling, I don't
know. All I do know is that he's answered my question, by not answering
it. There was nothing that he, or I, could do.
There is nothing (she's in present tense and speaking of actions at the
moment, yes?}
The doctor takes a sip of tea. and wipes the side of his cup on
tea, and
his white lab coat. "Akane, this isn't easy for me, any more than I'm
sure it is for you. But... while we've given him what drugs we safely
can, he's still in a terrible lot of pain. I need a decision from you."
I don't know what he means, and then I do. I remember holding
him in my arms as we rode to the clinic, how he shivered and trembled
and stared straight ahead and how in his eyes held no recognition for
how his eyes held {or} how in his eyes there was
me, nothing but pain. There's no way to make him better, nothing to do
but wait as the poisons build up all over his body, accumulating like
water on a sinking ship, and I wonder if ending his misery wouldn't be
{suggest} water in a sinking ship, {water "on" a ship in any significant
quantity usually qualifies it as "sunken". :) }
the best thing for him.
Except.... "Doctor, I promised my husband I would wait until
he's back."
{And that settles the matter right there...}
I hate it for what it used to do to Ranma, and what it won't do
to him anymore. I hate it for ruining our chance at a normal life
together.
{She's probably still a "hammer girl", too... :) }
Strange that I still think of Ranma as a he, even though in
strict biological terms that pronoun hasn't applied to him since high
school. But anything else feels like giving up on him.
{ I'm going to try something a bit different here and comment on
structure. This is not one of my strengths, either in writing or in
commenting, so please bear with me... }
{Transition here from present tense to past, from story-now to
flashback. The clinic scene is clearly carefully contrived to reveal
just enough but not too much... but it feels like it's a bit too
careful, too contrived. I considered how the story might work if it were
slid into its proper chronologial place near the end, and I doubt it's
an improvement. However, it might seem less forced if you didn't try to
conceal that this was a vet clinic, and that the dying friend wasn't
human. The identity of the patient can still remain concealed, or
perhaps hinted at.
{This would lose the reverse parallel between Akane's ignorance of the
patient's humanity and the reader's (led-by-the-nose? :) assumption that
the patient is human, but it might be worth it. The other point is that
some readers may feel that a human is worthy of more grief than a pet...
but most of them know already, I think, that grief doesn't pay much
attention to such considerations. Any who don't, aren't likely to
appreciate this story anyway...
{Alternatively, perhaps you might consider toning down the description a
little, so it's less detailed and hence less misleading.}
"I think so," I answered, puzzled as I touched the kettle and
puzzled,
the heat stung my finger. I set it back on the burner and turned the
flame up to high. Moments later it whistled as steam blew out the top.
After dinner, we walked over to the Nekohanten, and learned just
how not good it was.
{suggest} how 'not good' it was.
"Back to China. Ranma is no longer a suitable husband for you."
"HEY! I am so!" Ranma looked at Shampoo, then at me. "I mean,
not that I will, but if I did, I would be! Got that, old ghoul?"
{heh. Classic.}
"The Jusenkyo curses," she began, "are, in a sense, similar to a
virus that infects those who come in contact with the spring water.
Contact with water above a certain threshold makes it go dormant, while
water below that temperature re-activates it."
I felt a lump in my throat, and swallowed. Somehow, I was sure I
wouldn't like what Cologne was going to say. Ranma, on the other hand,
was obviously unimpressed. "We know all that!"
"But," she continued, paying him no heed, "a virus can mutate.
Adapt. New strains can evolve that are resistant to medicines that
worked against them before."
"Ranma's curse has... evolved?" I said, wondering what more
there was that she hadn't told us yet.
"Correct, child. It happens with some curse victims; with
others, it never does. Ethnicity seems to be a factor. It seems to be a
near certainty for Europeans, while I've never heard of it happening to
a native Chinese. Most likely some unknown genetic factor is involved,
though it might just be that the goddesses of Jusenkyo are prejudiced
against foreigners. As a Japanese, I had expected you to be safe, but it
appears that I was mistaken."
{I don't have a problem with the notion of Jusenkyo discriminating on
the basis of race :), but I don't like Cologne's "virus" analogy, for
two reasons. First, it's not a good analogy, as (Doug? Bert?) pointed
out already. Second, I just can't see Cologne choosing that analogy to
explain it to Ranma: even if she understands viruses, I doubt he does.
The whole point of an analogy is that it draws a parallel between
something the target doesn't understand and something he does. In the
case of Ranma, Cologne, and Jusenkyo... "It's just magic. Deal with
it."}
"Yeah, whatever." Ranma hovered over the table, glaring at her.
"How do I fix it?"
Cologne remained impassive. "If I thought you could fix it,
would I be taking Shampoo back to China?"
{I note that she doesn't exactly answer his question. :) }
"A very special underground spring is rumored to exist
somewhere. The name I've heard for it is zuihouniquan. According to
{I second the motion: I don't insist that you dub this, but at least
subtitle it. :) }
legends, it's capable of changing any creature into a human, and
removing any other curses regardless of which stages they're in."
This time, we didn't have the slightest clue how to bring things back to
normal. Maybe, I told myself, we would pointed in the right direction
would be pointed {?}
tomorrow, or next week. But maybe we wouldn't. Maybe this would be the
last time I'd ever see Ranma as a male.
"Y'know, Akane, I remember a story my pop told me once. This guy
was being chased by wild animals, and they cornered him. There wasn't
any chance for him to escape. No matter what he did, he was gonna get
eaten. Then he noticed a cherry nearby, on a vine or something. So
instead of doing anything else, the guy ate it, and enjoyed how good it
tasted before the animals ripped his guts out."
I stared, my attention caught even though I'd heard the story
before. A reflection of the overhead florescent light shone within
Ranma's deep brown eyes. I'd never really noticed how handsome he was
before.
"Thinkin' about that story, and this thing with the curse...
I've figured out something that I didn't really know before."
"What's that, Ranma?"
"My pop is a complete idiot."
From above a sharp bang sounded, like the bursting of an
over-full balloon. The room went black.
{Definite facefault moment. :) Classic character-driven
original-flavor... I try and try to write this sort of thing myself, and
rarely manage it to my satisfaction. Applause.}
By four in the morning, I was still wide awake. I thought about
going down to check on Ranma. Just to make sure that he's all right.
he was all (yes, "he's" can be the contraction of "he was", but it
usually isn't. :) }
By eight-thirty in the morning, I rolled reluctantly out of bed.
{suggest} Around eight-thirty {I would expect a "by [time] I had verbed"
form in this context, but it wouldn't fit}
The sky outside the window was a cloudless, vibrant blue. Birds sang out
what was probably a delightful tune, but to my sleep-deprived brain was
an unwelcome racket.
{I've had mornings like that myself. :/ }
Grabbing a shirt and skirt from the closet, I managed to get
dressed. I figured on having to drag Ranma forcibly out of bed; but as I
came downstairs I knew I was wrong. He was already there, talking to
{suggest} I found I {or} I discovered I
someone on the telephone.
"Check this out." He handed me a piece of paper. The picture on
it showed a man in full scuba gear, complete with cyclopean mask and
{Cyclopean. A good word. :) It has another meaning, though...}
duck-like flippers.
{It wouldn't work, not that he would know that. In the first case, a
"wet suit" won't keep you dry-- that's why they call it a "wet suit", in
fact. Secondly, it's an excellent thermal insulator... wear one at room
temperature, and in a shockingly short time the suit will be wet on the
inside even if it's dry on the outside. :) }
My first impulse was to make fun of his plan. *You and your
crazy ideas, Ranma.* But surprisingly, this one didn't seem so bad. I'd
been ready to give up and accept the change as inevitable, but maybe we
didn't need to. If Ranma could just avoid any contact with water, then
he can stay male. Granted, that was a pretty big if, but Ranma had often
he could stay {or even} he would stay
succeeded at things that at first seemed impossible. If anyone could
pull this off, he could.
"You like WATER?" Ranma shouted at the old woman. "I'll give you
water! C'mere! I'll jam that ladle right up your...."
{suggest, since it's broken off, not trailing off, right?} your--"
"No!" I tackled him like an American football player, pushing
him to the ground. "You can't!"
{suggest} knocking him
Ladle in hand, the old woman walked back toward her house,
totally oblivious to the madman turned madwoman screaming at her. She
madman-turned-madwoman {?}
must have been deaf as a post.
Just as Cologne had predicted, no water could change Ranma back,
regardless of how hot it was. Ranma didn't accept the truth of this at
first, of course. It wasn't hot enough, he told Kasumi. It was boiling,
she told him. Well then, he said, it needed to be more boiling.
{heh. He should have paid attention in physics class... :) }
A napkin lay on the floor. A crude sketch on it was drawn in
felt pen. The blade of a katana. The meaning was obvious.
{Suggest a sign rather than a napkin; it's more pandaesque...}
Neither of us said anything more. But I'm sure the same question
was on Ranma's mind as mine. The seppuku pledge applied to both him and
his father. What would Mrs. Saotome do to him when she found out?"
out? {extraneous " }
I didn't sleep at all that night. In the morning, I'd come to a
decision. I called Mrs. Saotome on the telephone.
{Now here would be a good place for} By morning, I'd come to a decision.
"Mrs. Saotome... I formally ask that you unconditionally release
Ranma from the pledge that his father made thirteen years ago. Should
you refuse, as his fiancee and soon to be wife, I'm afraid I cannot
soon-to-be-wife, {?}
allow you and he to see or speak with each other."
Okay, so I didn't have the wisdom that comes with age. But I
did, at least some of the time, know a dangerously stupid idea when I
hear one. All his life, Ranma had been told that being manly was good,
heard one. {I think the "did" isn't distributive...}
that he was worthless unless he acted like a macho jerk all of the time.
{Secondhand Genma-bashing! :) :) }
As much as I might like to cure him of that, I couldn't just pretend
that it wasn't so anymore.
No, if anything, I had to make Ranma feel *more* like a man.
And, as I went through an ordinary day's motions, it became undeniably
clear what that would take. If I were planning to fight Pantyhose,
Saffron, and Ashura single-handed, I wouldn't have been more afraid.
{suggest, since she's being hyperbolic} I couldn't have
I wanted it to happen. Somehow, I could finally admit that to
myself now. The truth was, I'd secretly hoped for it for a long time.
But I'd wanted Ranma to be the one to make up his mind first. That way,
he couldn't decide later that he didn't want anything to do with some
dumb macho jock-chick when there were girls out there with real sex
appeal and it wasn't his fault because the whole thing had been my idea
anyway and I had pushed him into it before he'd known what he was doing.
{She knows him pretty well, don't she? :) }
"Like what, Ranma? I thought you were a man! Isn't that what
you've always said? 'I'm a guy; but my body doesn't know it.'"
guy, but
"Welcome to Ucchan's." Her voice was so frigid, I expected to
see icicles dripping from her tongue. "Your server will be with you in a
moment."
It was still early, and the restaurant was mostly empty. A few
customers sat around one corner of the bar, chatting idly with Konatsu
as their orders sizzled on the grill.
"I didn't come here to eat, Ukyo," I said, wondering whether I
should've come at all. "Just to talk."
"Oh? Is this the 'let's all be friends' speech? Ran-chan's made
his choice, and the rest of us should just smile and say 'oh well, the
better girl won?' Sorry, honey, but that's not me."
{This is weird for Ukyo, but I thought of something that might explain
it: she'd heard that Cologne and Shampoo had left after a visit from
Ranma and Akane, and jumped to an unreasonable conclusion that was only
correct by accident. :) }
"Okay, I give up," he said. "You win." Quite some admission,
coming from him. "Akane, do you wanna marry me?"
I sighed. "Ranma, you idiot, why do you think I went through the
trouble of...." I stopped, as it dawned on me why he'd said that. "Oh.
Yes, Ranma. Yes!"
We hesitated for a few moments, and then our lips met. It was a
sloppy kiss, but our first real one all the same, and I'll always
remember it.
{heh. Frighteningly plausible... and applausible, for that matter. :) }
After the wedding, Nabiki went off to begin university studies
in Osaka. Mrs. Saotome went back to whatever it was she did, and Ranma
{suggest} Osaka, Mrs. Saotome
and I went back home with Dad and Kasumi.
Having inherited the family dojo, Ranma and I looked over the
family finances and found that they were an absolute mess. There were
debts that should have been paid and tax returns that should have been
filed ten years ago, and bonds that should have been cashed in. There
were shoeboxes full of savings account statements that hadn't been
opened. We spent a lot of time organizing it all, figuring out what
needed to be paid and where we could squeeze the money from.
{Mmm... I don't really see what this contributes to the plot, and it
doesn't ring true. It would have been Kasumi's job to handle this, and
all evidence in the manga is that she did it very well.}
I had just finished with the last student of the day and was
about to get started on dinner. A news reader's voice blared from the
news-reader's {?}
television speaker; some observer from the UN claimed that seismic
reports indicated that the Japanese government was carrying out illegal
nuclear tests. Just another day.
{Whoops, there goes another magic spring... :) If this is supposed to be
Ryoga using the BT to get somewhere, I don't buy it, though. I used to
be in the seismic-instrument biz, and they can tell the difference
between little bangs and big ones... :) }
"You mean these?" He walked over with a couple of
brightly-decorated cannisters in hand. I popped off one of the lids, and
sure enough, there were cookies inside.
lids and, sure {?}
"Kasumi has a husband?" An older man in dark glasses said.
an
I hadn't even given a thought to Ryoga in the past few months.
Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. I'd just assumed that he'd gone back
to his parents, or to Akari, or to wherever he spent most of his time.
It was a little unsettling to realize that I didn't know all that much
about him -- that I hadn't really even tried to find out.
{Well, that's not surprising, really; it's pretty clear that she just
doesn't care about him that much. Ranma cares about Ryoga more than
Akane does.}
Maybe I had no right to know what Ranma and Ryoga were talking about.
Maybe it was something personal between them, something that I had no
part in unless one of them decided to confide in me.
{Well, she might think she thinks so, but we all know Akane's an
incurable snoop. :) }
Then again, I thought, it was possible that I'd been excluded
simply because I hadn't been home when Ryoga had arrived. It was true
that when it came down to it, I didn't know him very well; but he was
still a friend, and one of the nicer people that I knew. If he was
leaving on a long trip, I wanted to at least say goodbye.
With the groceries stowed away, I headed back toward the dojo,
mentally rehearsing what to say. *Oh, hello, Ryoga! Would you like to
join us for dinner tonight?* Hm. Too Kasumi-ish. *I was just passing by
and heard you talking and wasn't eavesdropping when you were talking
about leaving. Really.* Okay, strike that last part.
{hehe! I figured she'd find a way to rationalize it. :) }
The outside of the dojo was silent. I slid the door open and
walked in. My sandals klacked on the wooden floor, the sound echoing
through the empty room. I never heard Ryoga's voice again.
{Ouch. We know what's going on, of course... Ranma delivered Ryoga some
bad news.}
It wasn't until two months later that someone else came back,
someone who I hadn't expected to see again.
{Suggest, since Akane should be used to P-chan appearing and
disappearing at random} expected to see.
"Thanks!" I petted the back of P-chan's head, and he wheezed
contentedly. "Oh, I didn't see you for so long! I thought you were lost
forever!"
"Nope," Ranma said. "He was. But he's home now."
{aww...}
I was afraid that Ranma would get jealous of P-chan and they
would start fighting. But in the weeks that followed, he proved that I
{suggest} fighting, but
had nothing to worry about. On the contrary, it seemed that P-chan was
becoming the best friend that Ranma had never had.
Meanwhile, we continued to search for a way for Ranma to be male
again. We traveled to ancient caves and remote temples; deciphered
forbidden scrolls and learned secret techniques. And Ranma stayed
female.
{suggest} But Ranma remained female.
And every day, no matter what else might be going on or might
need to be done, Ranma and P-chan would train. Three times a day,
regardless of the weather, they went to the park. Sometimes they simply
raced to see how many laps they could run together around the perimeter.
Other times they played a game that Ranma called "P-ball." The object,
so far as I could tell, was to tag your opponent with a thrown tennis
ball; there were a whole host of other rules and complications to it
that seemed to be made up day by day.
{Kobuta Kakutou? :) }
"Ranma...." I set the phone down and took his hand in mine.
"You've never had a pet before, have you."
"Nuh uh," he answered. "Pop and I were on the road most of my
life."
{"And ca-ca-cats were right out." :) }
Ranma snatched it from my grip. He unfolded it in front of him,
and his eyes devoured it. "Why didn't you TELL me?!?"
I took a spatula from the wall rack and brained him with it.
{"Cut it out, Ucchan! ...ohshit." :) }
"Oh goddamn.... I gotta go!" He rushed to the door, then back to
me, then back to the door. "I gotta go!" he said to P-chan. "You gotta
hang on 'til I get back. Just 'til I get back!"
I scratched my head. "Ranma, what in the world...."
"Akane, get him to that vet! I'll meet you there. Keep him all
right until I'm back. You gotta promise!"
{Good frantic scene; this all works just right.}
I look at Ranma, and notice that he's fallen asleep in my arms.
I want to join him, but one of us needs to get us back home. I glance
down at the table for a final look, one final snapshot for the scrapbook
that was my memory. Goodbye, P-chan.
AUTHOR'S MEANDERINGS: The idea for this story came out of the
death of my own family dog. That was well over a year ago; how time
flies when job hunts and other "real life" factors get in the way. At
the same time, I was dissatisfied with the "Ranma gets stuck as a
female" genre of fics, and wanted to try to do one the way I thought
they should be written. The two ideas seemed to fit together, so I
decided to do a story that combined them, and what you see here is the
result.
The combination works, I think, but the balance seems a bit off. To me,
this story appears to be more about Ryoga-- about Ryoga and Ranma, and
Ryoga and P-chan-- than it is about Ranma and the curse, or about Akane
and permanently-cursed Ranma, despite the amount of text devoted to each
theme. Softening the deception in the first clinic scene might help
that.
General thoughts... I'm one of the ones who cares enough about animals
to grieve for them. I still haven't completely gotten over Isis, a
10-kilo Nile monitor lizard who died a little over a year ago despite
the best care we and the vets could provide. This definitely reached
that part of me.
I appreciate the idea of counterweighting the body of
"permanently-cursed-female" fanfic, too. My own preference is for tales
in which Ranma slowly learns to accommodate and even enjoy his curse,
rather than being permanently female, obstinately male, or even cured.
The whole Ranma cast reads like a commentary on sex roles in modern
society, with Ranma him/herself unwillingly personifying yin and yang at
the axle of the wheel. This ties it to the problems we all face in a
society which isn't really sure how to handle the potential and danger
of departing from traditional sex roles, and I think that's one of the
reasons why Ranma 1/2 continues to be so fascinating: it's *relevant*.
Those few sentences in Zen's "Long and Winding Road", where Ukyo's
father wonders cheerfully why Ranma is so annoyed at his curse, still
resonate.
I wonder whether Ranma will tell Akane about P-chan, though. Keeping the
secret while he was alive makes sense (although I'm a bit surprised that
Akane didn't remember some scene where Ranma adamantly refused to allow
P-chan to sleep with them, even if Akane never realized that Ranma was
trying to spare Ryoga's feelings as well as satisfy propriety :), but
after he died, I think he'd tell her. I doubt fear of Akane's anger
would stop him, really, and although reluctance to inflict more grief on
her might, I think his need to acknowledge Ryoga would be greater.
As always, if you're reading this, I'd love to hear what you
thought -- good, bad, or indifferent.
Mark me down for "good". As usual, I doubt you'll hear from the
"indifferent". :)
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
Prime: seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.