C&C Below. No snippage.
I have taken the author's invitation to "flame", (as much
as I am capable) so this'll be meaner than my usual fare.
Of course, all comments are about the fic, not the author.
First mistake: your subject tag. what's with the "1st
try"? That either tells us that it's your first attempt
at a series (so it'll probably suck), or that you know that
you're going to have a second and third try, in which case,
I'll just wait for the revised version.
In either case, you've lost a reader.
This is pretty much my first try for a series fic. I mean, I've written
crappy one-shots before, but never have I done a series. Okay, so I've
STARTED a couple, but this is the first one I intend to finish.
Well, gee. If your stories are crappy, then I guess I shouldn't
read this one. For that matter, you're calling it a series, and
admit to never finishing one. Why should I start it?
The moral: don't post remarks belittling your stuff at the
beginning of your fic.
Anyways, I got the idea for this after reading Andrew Huang's "All Alone, In
the Night." Oh, well. Gomen nasai gozaimasu, Huang-sama, but I just
couldn't resist. This isn't a continuation of your fic at all, but, still;
I DID get the idea from your fic, so you have every right in the world to
skin me and make lampshades. Or bedsheets. Or wallpaper. Or whatever else
you want to use my skin for. it doesn't matter to me.
Put this at the *bottom* of the fic. I opened this message
to read a story, not your comments. If the story was good,
then *after* (I've read it) I'll be happy to read the notes
see what inspired you.
Anyways, seeing as this is the first series I intend to finish, C&C is
vital. I seriously need alot of it, from everyone, especially those authors
that are experienced with writing series. So, please send me any C&C you
have, even if it's a flame. I honestly don't care. Flames are actually
welcomed. C&C and flame me away, please!
Doesn't work that way, bub. I'm C&Cing because I happen to be
on a roll, and this is short. Remember, the very act of posting
the story on the FFML means that you want C&C. If you want to
get "alot" of it, you'll need to post some yourself. Build up
"brownie points".
///////////////////////////////////
This is (eventually) going to be a series that revolves around Ranma. I
don't plan on focusing on any other character than Ranma, but I don't know
the future, so I'll just leave it at that.
I don't care.
I've thought of making it first person, and I still might do that, depending
on what advice I get from you all.
I don't care.
This isn't really all that much of a prologue, seeing as I've only added
enough information to constitute a teaser, but I, personally, consider it a
prologue, as it segues into the first chapter.
I. Don't. Care.
Delete this section, or put it at the bottom. It has no place
here. As you can tell, I'm already in a bad frame of mind. Is
this what you *want* your readers to feel when they start?
//////////////////////////////////
Oh! And, again, C&C is really needed, here. I'm not all that good at
writing serious fics, and this is going to be...well, not completely
serious, but not completely comedy, either. Kinda like "Army of Darkness,"
only...different.
Geez, when does the fic start?!?
Here's your homework assignment for the next fic you post.
At the top, say, "C&C appreciated. Author's notes at the
bottom." That's it.
When you add more comments, it makes me think that you *know*
this fic can't stand on it's own. "It's supposed to be this
type of fic... I know it's bad, but please help me fix it..."
If I believe the *author* thinks it's not good, then I've got
no motivation to read it, myself.
Anyways, sorry for ranting like I have been, and I'll now get to
the...thing.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You're missing the title.
Also, you didn't credit Rumiko Takahashi.
Surprisingly enough, Ranma wasn't all that sad about leaving. He
HAD been thinking this over for a long time,
gram: thinking it over
or: thinking about it
Formatting is screwed up. All lines should be no more than 80
characters wide, preferably 72.
Strike three.
At this point of a story, you should have done three things:
1) Have an interesting title/subject that draws readers in,
inviting them to open this e-mail.
2) Have a catchy opening paragraph, which seizes the readers,
making them want to read on. Your opening isn't bad, but
it never got the opportunity to seize me; I was put off by
all the extraneous introductory junk.
3) Present everything in a clean format. When the lines look
weird, it's distracting. When your reader is distracted,
they're not paying full attention to your writing.
and he HAD weighed all sides of the issue (a first for Ranma), and he had
eventually come to the conclusion that leaving
Suggest you delete the paranthetical information.
(New writers tend to stick a lot of parentheses in.
They're almost never needed.)
Okay. This sounds like a "Ranma gets sick of everything
and leaves" fic.
<rant>
I hate those types of fics.
Why? There's rarely any logic behind them; usually they're
thinly veiled attempts to remove Ranma from characters the
author doesn't like. Often, they have him wonder into another
series (or an original creation of the author) and develops
new relationships.
What's the point? I read Ranma fanfics for the existing
character relationships.
Also, the whole concept of Ranma having "too much" is simply
antithetical to the character. He's put up with everything
until now quite cheerfully. Why would he suddenly snap?
I've heard the answer "Well, even Ranma can only put up
with SO much."
Wrong.
As you yourself wrote, Ranma never gives up an a challenege.
You think he's going to give up on *daily life*? Hell,
why doesn't he fight back, then? Even the Saotome secret
technique involves coming back to the fight...
</rant>
was the best choice. So, all in all, he wasn't sad. Depressed, yeah,
because he was leaving behind friends, family...no,
punc: family... No,
(It's a new sentence.)
No, he wasn't sad, he was depressed? What's the difference?
You don't make it clear at all.
that's not right. The reason he was leaving in the first place was because
he'd never had those things. No friends, no
family, no nothing. All his supposed friends were just nice to him to
Ah, so this is an alternate universe fic! The real
Ranma has his father, and Akane is his friend.
either get in good with his female side or to keep out
of his male side's wrath. No, he had no friends.
gram: keep away from his male side's wrath.
(How can you be "in" someone's wrath?)
Note that Akane doesn't fit in either of those categories.
Family? That's a joke. Genma hadn't ever been a REAL father, and
he couldn't even see his mother as himself, so
Genma raised Ranma single handedly for over a decade.
He taught him to be one of the best martial artists in
the world. For better or worse, he installed Ranma's
sense of "manliness" in.
Now take away Ranma's martial arts and machismo, and
what do you have? I don't know what it is, but I can
tell you it's not Ranma.
Genma made Ranma what he is. He is Ranma's father,
and Ranma is his son, in every sense of the word.
he didn't have any family. Akane? Nabiki? Kasumi? No, no, and no.
Akane...he loved Akane (he had finally come to
Put spaces after periods, even if they're used as ellipses
in the middle of a sentence.
accept that fact after deciding to leave), but she didn't love him. no
cap: No.
(Capitalize the first word of a sentence.)
chance of a family, or even a friend, there. The mallet
of doom speaks for itself in those occasions. Nabiki...three words: yen
What mallet of doom? I think you're imagining things,
or have read too many fanfics. Try reading the comics
and see how many mallets there are.
hungry monster. Nothing else to say.
Normally, I'd agree with you, but since your characterizations
already seem to be off, I'll point out that Nabiki feels very
strongly about her mother; there is more to her life than money.
Kasumi...she was so nice, but when it came right down to it, she was an
airhead. At least, that's what it seemed like.
If she's nice, does it make a difference that she's an airhead?
Ranma had caught a few glimpses of remarkable perception and intelligence
from Kasumi, but he could never get her to
admit it. Kasumi had too many secrets, too many masks, and too many false
smiles. Ranma just didn't feel comfortable
around her anymore.
I like this idea. Too bad it contradicts your previous
airhead remark.
suggest: Kasumi... She was nice, but when it came down to it
he didn't know what to think of her. Ranma thought he had
caught a few glimpses ...
Mr. Tendo? ...Shut up.
punc: Mr. Tendo? Shut up.
or: Mr. Tendo...? Shut up.
(You don't start sentences with periods; you end them with periods.)
Ryoga? Shampoo? Ukyo?
Nope. Nothing for Ranma in Nerima.
I don't believe you. And since you didn't give any actual
*reason* why he dismisses Ryoga, Shampoo, and Ukyo, you can
hardly refute me.
Remember, you're having Ranma do something completely
out of character, here. You can't just conveniently
ignore providing reasons when they don't suit you.
So he had decided to leave. He couldn't take it any more. He just
couldn't stand to have his life run by others
anymore. No; ever again. Ranma Saotome was going to be happy, and he was
gram: No, never again.
or: No. Never again.
When has Ranma's life *ever* been run by others? Is it run
by Genma and Tendo? Obviously not, or he'd already be married.
By his fiancees? Nope, for the same reason. Colgone? Ditto.
By his teachers or principal? Nope, he defies the dress code
and proper hairstyle.
In short, Ranma's life is run by himself.
going to live his life the way he wanted to.
After packing his bags late one night, he set out into the world, a
heavy burden on his heart, and a picture of Akane
in his hand.
He set out to find a place where he would fit in. A place where he
could live out his life without worrying about
fiancees or enemies or poetry-spouting swordsmen. A place...where he could
be happy.
And, of course, bored out of his mind.
As he walked down the street, though, a thought began to nag at him.
"Can you really be happy without
Akane?"
suggest: Could he really be happy without Akane?
(There's no need to quote a thought. I'll give you credit,
though, for not using some weird symbol like <> or {} or [].)
He didn't know, but he was determined to find out. This was a
challenge, and Ranma Saotome never backed down
from a challenge.
If you ignore the fact that he's running away, maybe. :/
And his journey into life began.
Ranma's is already having a "journey into life". He's experinced
more truths about love and persistence and life than most people
ever experience.
----
Well, I've got to say, I don't buy the premise at all. If this
prologue serves as advertising for the main fic, you've encouraged
me not to buy.
I find it even less plausible that you say this fic is just going
to be about Ranma. You had him leave in the middle of the night,
without telling anyone.
What about the people he left behind? Like they're not going to
come after him? Genma knows everything about his son, and would
likely be able to find him with ease.
If you don't believe that, then remember that Ukyo and Shampoo
have both demonstrated their ability to hunt Ranma down. There
is no escape for him. :j
Well, there's that. Take my comments as you wish, and good luck.
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"