FOR A DYING FRIEND

               Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
                 by Gary Kleppe

[snip]

    The clinic is a maze of corridors and examination rooms with
tables of cold stainless steel. Racks of medicine and equipment hang on
the walls, like the torture implements of a medieval dungeon.

    "Is there..." I ask hesitantly, not sure that I want to hear the
answer, "anything you can do, Doctor?"

    "Well, Mrs.--"

    "Akane."

    Doctor Tanaka nods. "Well, Akane, what we're dealing with here
is a rather advanced case of kidney deterioration. You see, the kidneys
have the job of filtering out wastes and...." The words trail off. His
wide country-boy eyes gaze up at me with kindness and sympathy. "I'm
sorry. I've already told you this."

    "Yes," I say, and hear the anger and frustration in my voice. I
shouldn't get mad at the doctor. It's not his fault. Whose it is, who
really deserves to be the target of the emotions I'm feeling, I don't
know. All I do know is that he's answered my question, by not answering
it. There was nothing that he, or I, could do.

Odd mixture of tenses in this paragraph.  The last sentence should
presumably be set in the present tense?

The other problem I have here is the references to "Doctor".  Tanaka
is, presumably, a vet.  While Akane may address him as "Doctor", it does
seem odd to say "shouldn't get mad at the doctor".  It's for the sake
of misdirection, I understand, but it comes off feeling like something
of a cheat here.

    "A very special underground spring is rumored to exist
somewhere. The name I've heard for it is zuihouniquan. According to
legends, it's capable of changing any creature into a human, and
removing any other curses regardless of which stages they're in."

    "Now we're talkin'!" Ranma perked up. "Where is this
zui-whatchamacallit?" I could tell it wasn't going to be that easy.

    Cologne sighed. "I've no idea. It could be anywhere in the
world. Or nowhere. Rumors aren't always true. And if it does exist,
there's no guarantee that there's enough water in it to effect a cure."

If it's a spring, why isn't there enough water?  Surely one could simply
wait for it to produce as much water as needed?  Even if it only produced
a drop an hour, Ranma would be able to gather the drops and save up enough
eventually.

If the zuihouniquan really does produce so little water as to be useless
for a cure, it can hardly be called a "spring" at all.  And how would
anyone have ever found it, or found out what it can do?

    The drone of falling rain intensifies slightly as the outer door
to the clinic slides open, bringing me back from my little trip down
memory lane. A figure staggers into the foyer; water drips from its body
into scattered puddles on the floor.

    "Ranma?"

    "Mister--" The clinic receptionist carries a towel over to
Ranma, staring at his ripped clothing, at the opened breast bindings.
"Mister... Saotome?"

    "Akane, I found it!" he says, ignoring the man staring at his
revealed cleavage. A sealed Freezerware container rests in his left
hand. "I don't know if it's enough, though. Where is he?"

    "Huh?" I take the towel and begin to dry him off. "Why haven't
you--"

    "Where's the PIG?!" Not waiting for an answer, he darts down the
corridor, popping his head into one room after another.

    I follow behind him. There had better be a good explanation for
this. "Ranma, what are you...."

    He runs into a room. Inside, next to the examination table, Dr.
Tanaka looks up. Ranma tears the lid from the container, and water --
not more than a few spoonfuls, from the look of it -- splashes onto the
doctor's patient.

    For a moment, flesh color coexists with the black of piglet
skin, two images superimposed onto the same photograph. Then I rub my
tired eyes, and the spell is broken and just as before it's P-chan lying
on the table, stretched stiffly out like some porcine zombie.

    "No!" Ranma cries. "Damn it, no!"

    Dr. Tanaka reaches down to touch the pig, then looks up and
shakes his head. "I'm sorry, Akane."

    My husband collapses into my arms. I embrace him with all my
strength; his shirt squishes, and I can feel the wetness seeping into my
dress, and I don't care. Ranma begins to sob, like a girl, I want to
think, but that's not right; like a human being, one who's just lost a
friend. Perhaps I'll never understand what was really between them, a
friendship so strong that Ranma was willing to give up his one chance at
a cure to save his friend's life by making him a human.

It was tricky to work out what was happening here at first, because
Akane is referring to Ranma as "he" throughout the story.  But the
reference to "cleavage" plus "give up his one chance" indicates that
Ranma hasn't been cured.  Okay, I can buy it that Ryoga's a higher
priority to him, under the circumstances.

But ... why the ripped clothing and opened breast bindings, in this
case?  They seem like an unnecessary, and distracting, detail.  Is this
more misdirection, trying to suggest for a moment that Ranma has in fact
been cured?  If so, at this point in the story (and with the truth
revealed a few paragraphs later) I don't think it works.

If, instead, you want to suggest that Ranma went through severe hardships
to get the water, I'd suggest substituting cuts and scrapes for the
open breast bindings.

And again, if the zuihouniquan is actually a spring, this shouldn't have
been Ranma's "one chance".



Apart from these points ... an excellent, and very credible, story.
Thanks.

Cheers,
Angus