FOR A DYING FRIEND
Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe
Damn, Gary. This is a fine, fine story. My hat is off
to you. I think I was most impressed by the way you made
it seem like Akane was at the bedside of a human friend
in the beginning, and ended up showing us that she really
was, even though she didn't know it. That was excellent.
So was the handling of the characters, the dialogue, and
pretty much everything else about the story.
Let me see if I can find any specific comments...
"No... change," I repeated dumbly. The words are a tornado,
"dumbly" is a little awkward - by one meaning of "dumb," it would
be an oxymoron for her to be saying anything. "Numbly," perhaps?
The doctor takes a sip of tea. and wipes the side of his cup on
You've got a stray period in there.
can, he's still in a terrible lot of pain. I need a decision from you."
"terrible amount," maybe?
"So that's the story," Ranma said. "Any idea what the deal is?"
Her mouth abruptly flew open. "Shampoo!"
That's actually a somewhat frightening image.
"HEY! I am so!" Ranma looked at Shampoo, then at me. "I mean,
not that I will, but if I did, I would be! Got that, old ghoul?"
I loved that line.
"Thinkin' about that story, and this thing with the curse...
I've figured out something that I didn't really know before."
"What's that, Ranma?"
"My pop is a complete idiot."
Also a terrific line.
"What would you suggest, Mrs. Saotome?" Maybe she would be able
to help. As the old saying went, with age comes wisdom, or at least if
you didn't end up as an underwear-stealing pervert.
That's not a caveat you normally hear applied to that old saying...
but I can certainly see Akane's point. For a serious fic, you have
some excellent funny lines.
"Buy him some women's clothes. Take him on 'girls' nights out.'
Go to a cooking class together."
"Thank you, Mrs. Saotome," I said. "I'll give your idea all the
consideration it deserves." I hung up.
I didn't talk much with her after that.
Nice scene.
He sighed. "Dammit, that's a pretty big 'but.' You want
"Are you saying I have a big butt! Ranma, you jerk!" >SLAM<
"Oops... wait. I'm sorry. Just a reflex there, Ranma."
She paused, as if to digest the information. "What about the
panda?"
"He's run off. He may be trapped in his cursed form too, for all
we know." Actually, I hadn't thought about it before then. But Mr.
Saotome had at least half the same genes as Ranma, so it stood to reason
that he'd be susceptible as well. I hoped he'd be all right.
If there's any addition to this story I'd like to see, it's a little more
resolution about what happened to Genma. I think that Ranma
would want to find him if he disappeared. Maybe his old man ends
up with that sick kid who wanted a panda? Or perhaps with a
cute Chinese panda-trainer participating in a major martial arts
tournament (I'm sorry - I play too many video games). Anyway,
I think Ranma would care enough to want to find out what happened
to his father.
someone who does. My friend Occhan's got a curse of his own that he
doesn't like to talk about. He's got a lot of miscellaneous information,
and you never know what might help."
Occhan?
He examined himself in the mirror. "I suppose I could pass for
myself if the person really didn't know me that well. At least the curse
doesn't change my hair color or something stupid like that."
"I don't know, Ranma, I think you'd look good as a redhead."
"Who ever heard of a Japanese redhead?"
"What about Himura Kenshin?"
"Oh yeah..."
We hesitated for a few moments, and then our lips met. It was a
sloppy kiss, but our first real one all the same, and I'll always
remember it.
Suggest maybe "awkward" kiss. "Sloppy" gives me a visual
image which doesn't quite fit. I would expect their first kiss to
be clumsy and tenative, not clumsy and overly passionate.
It was strange to think that the change in Ranma's curse had
brought us together. But then, that was how life worked for us
sometimes. I've often thought that Ranma and I were connected by a
Chinese finger band -- the kind that grips tighter the harder you try to
pull apart. Instead of taking us to the Cave of Lost Love in an attempt
to break us up, Ukyo should've just arranged for everyone to leave us
alone for a month.
An excellent bit of character description.
mentioned, or any other cure for Ranma's curse. We pored through books,
scrolls, cave drawings, anything we could get our hands on. We passed
the word to anyone who might know something, or anyone who might know
someone who might know someone who might know something. But no luck.
Maybe you might mention in here something about Ukyou's friend?
I was just expecting to see a bit of follow-up on that one, somehow.
Speaking of Ukyou, it probably doesn't have much place in the story,
but she might find it a lot easier to get over being pissed at Ranma
under the circumstances. After all, there's a certain appealing
symmetry to it, isn't there? She feels she has to give up her
femininity because of him, and he ends up being the one who has
to give up his masculinity. You know, it's "be kind to Ukyou" week.
Eventually, the crowd began to thin out. Ranma and I made our
goodbyes as we drifted toward the exit. Kasumi waved at us. "Byebye!"
"Kasumi..." A smile crept onto Ranma's face. "Thanks."
With eyes wide, she looked back at him. "Oh my. For what?"
This is also very nice. You're able to have Kasumi help Ranma and
Akane get through a tough time without turning her into "super-Kasumi,"
some sort of secret genius ultra-wise Buddah-in-disguise so forth and
so on, which we see all too often. Very, very deftly done.
Meanwhile, we continued to search for a way for Ranma to be male
again. We traveled to ancient caves and remote temples; deciphered
forbidden scrolls and learned secret techniques. And Ranma stayed
female.
Really, it sounds like a pretty cool life.
Other times they played a game that Ranma called "P-ball." The object,
so far as I could tell, was to tag your opponent with a thrown tennis
ball; there were a whole host of other rules and complications to it
that seemed to be made up day by day.
Reminds me of "Calvinball" from Calvin & Hobbes. Did they
wear the little masks?
I no know if map is correct, maybe out of date, maybe false. But
I hope it tell truth. You go follow map, Ranma, and I hope you
find cure. Zaijian,
Shampoo
It's also nice to see that Shampoo still cares about him, even
though he's married to Akane. A good touch.
And that ending... geez, not a dry eye in the house. Well
done. But wait... what about the epilogue?
EPILOGUE
A year had passed since P-Chan's death, and Ranma still couldn't
quite get over the loss. Sometimes, on mornings like this when the
sun was so bright and the sky was so blue, he couldn't shake the
feeling that all he'd have to do is pick up the ball, and his friend would
come trotting out to greet him, ready to play their ever-evolving game
in the park.
Ranma sipped his tea thoughtfully. He'd considered getting another
pet, but it wouldn't be the same. After all, how could he ever hope
to bond to another animal like he had to P-Chan? <Face it,> he
thought. <Where am I gonna find a pet who's really a person trapped
in an animal's body?>
With that thought in mind, he slid open the door to get a better look
at the day.
An immense figure loomed before him, blotting out the sun with its
vast, grotesque bulk. Octopus tentacles flailed on its back, horns
protruded from its head. In one mammoth hand it held a steaming
kettle.
Ranma watched as the figure emptied the hot water onto its head. The
creature's form did not change. "Moo?" Pantyhose Tarou said plaintively,
his gigantic bovine eyes full of confusion. "Moo?"
Ranma considered him for a long, thoughtful moment.
"Nah," he said, closing the door again. "It'd never work."
- - - -
Many thanks for an excellent story, Gary.
Grayson Towler
http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless