Kyle Emmerson wrote:
Blood-Stained Soul
By Kyle Emmerson
<snip>
"Hey, Keung," John, one of the other orderlies at one of the major
Hong Kong morgues greeted. Flipping through the chart in his hand, he
gestured towards the body on the gourney. "From the bombing?"
As a bit of trivia you could say that attendents in morgues are known as
'dieners.'
<snip>
Keung shook his head. "We ran her blood through about six times, did
three retinal's... Hell, we even ran her fingerprints. Nothing."
"A Jane Doe, eh? Haven't had one of those in years. Chang won't be
happy."
Keung nodded. Ever since the advent of portable DNA processors and
retinal scan technology, it's been harder and harder to remain unknown.
But this woman had somehow done so.
This is assuming that such datum as DNA profiling, retinal scans, and
fingerprints were on file somewhere - a difficult enough task in the
polyglot of race, creed, and culture that is the United States, much
less an insular (and somewhat superstitious) place like Hong Kong where
the Chinese are often rightfully distrustful of "those foreign devils."
Basically, if you aren't a criminal, the odds of such identifying
material being on hand for a morgue to utilize on you are highly
unlikely.
<snip>
He grabbed a small hypodermic syringe from a sterile container and
unzipped the black bag in which the old woman was kept.
He massaged the woman's arm to try and get some of the blood flowing
again. He usually spent a couple minutes doing it, but for some reason, it
only took a few seconds to get a viable sample. He dropped it into the
scanner and waited for the results.
Mind you, I'm no forensic pathologist, but would this really be the best
method to use on a corpse? With livor mortis pooling the blood in the
lower extremities, and the increasing acidity of the blood _post
mortem,_ I would think that the epithelial cells on the inner lining of
the cheek would be more suitable, and more easily obtained.
<snip>
And her body was still warm!
Keung paused. Still warm? Unless she had died only seconds before, her
body should have been at room temperature.
It'll take longer than that, I'm afraid.
<snip>
"WWDNAD scan complete. No match found," the computer said.
Keung looked over to it. Not found? That was... impossible. EVERYONE
was scanned nowadays. This girl, due to her age, would have had a sample
submitted just after her birth. It was impossible.
Is this some alternate universe or something, or are you just making
this bit up to keep the story going? I sure as hell wouldn't volunteer
my DNA for some monolithic database to use and abuse, and there are
probably many more like me out there in the world.
But then... the old woman didn't have a match either...
He placed his hands down on the desk in annoyance. There had to be a
plausible explanation. It was mandatory in every continent, no matter
where she was born, to have a DNA entry. Even if she was born in one of
the less technologically advanced countries, when she came to Hong Kong,
or wherever she went, she would have been scanned.
Is this actually true of Hong Kong? I'm curious, because I find it to be
a frightening and abhorrent violation of basic privacy standards, even
for Beijing.
<snip>
She pulled them out. It would have to do. Dropping Keung to the floor,
she slipped the slippers on and wrapped the lab coat around herself.
Find another word than 'slipped' here. It's too close to the slippers
for comfort.
"Seems to be an Alpha-Foxtrot. Approximately Two-Zero years of age.
She's wearing a lab coat and slippers."
What exactly is an 'Alpha-Foxtrot'? If you are going to speak in
symbols, you should make an effort to explain to the lay people what you
are talking about. As well, these being Chinese people, would such
terminology as Alpha whatever even be used? I'm getting very little
Asian flavor here from the dialogue and mannerisms of these citizens of
Hong Kong. In fact, it's coming across as slick American more than
anything else.
<snip>
Cho pulled out his stun baton and readied it.
His what? If this is the future, I missed it. If it's just a club, the
term truncheon or nightstick would probably be more suitable here.
<snip>
****
"'Scuse me?" the cabbie asked.
"Here," Kiyomi said. "Let me off here."
"Youse sure about dat, lady? 'Dis here's a bad area. Some o' dese
folks wouldn't think twice 'bout killing youse for your shoes."
Are we in Brooklyn or are we in Hong Kong? Think carefully before
responding. I understand your use of the vernacular to convey the
low-born mannerisms of Joe the Cabbie on the Street, but this gets back
to your lack of any Asian elements to the story. You'd be better off
setting Chapter One in New York City rather than continue pretending
that this is Hong Kong.
"Trust me. I can take care of myself."
The cabbie shrugged and pushed a button on the dash. "Dat'll be
$246.98."
A fair chunk of change, Kiyomi thought. Thirty years earlier, when the
whole 'Global Village' thing was at it's peak, people found they could no
longer rely on international currency, and the United Nations had
"...its peak,..."
Ah! Finally we realize that this is the future! I wish I had known this
sooner, as it would have cleared up several of my earlier questions and
objections.
ultimately decided to use one world-wide form of currency. Of course,
American dollars had been at the top of the food chain in the currency
market, so it was only logic that American currency be used. They
Based on what? Several currencies are valued higher in rates of exchange
than the Almighty Dollar. If anything, the U.S. Dollar has found its
niche in Third World countries (and a few struggling Eastern European
states) where the local scrip was unstable and likely to be worthless
with next year's annual Civil War/Revolution/Coup d'tat. The
industrialized nations of the world need Dollars simply for trade
transactions, and they can get them easily enough through the market.
ethnicized it, made it globally acceptable. After all, many countries were
going to object to having American Presidents on the face of their money.
The solution was easy enough. Gandhi. Lincoln. Various world leaders
and general humanitarians. Soon, the bills and coins became electronic. In
fact, today, hard currency was rarely used, in favour of the electronic
kind.
Plus it's easier to keep a lid on low-rent crime when all the money goes
through the System.
<snip>
But then, she also had the appearance of a Sixty-five year old woman
just yesterday. They didn't have the slightest clue who the young woman
was.
Ukyou Kuonji? No. Ukyou Kuonji was a mean old woman who could whip
anyone on the block with ease.
THIS Ukyou Kuonji could do much the same, only faster, and with more
efficiency.
And this time, she's a babe!
<snip>
"Ooh, poor, brave soul Ukyou. The one who said she could take the
pains of aging. Ooh, what's that? Ukyou's found the fountain of youth?"
Ukyou furrowed her brow. "Shut up."
"How was it Ukyou? The blood of criminals? How did it taste?"
I was waiting for the vampire bit.
<snip>
"When, Ukyou? Ranma and Akane aren't like us. They can't just go for a
two hour stroll about become teenagers again. They're OLD, Ukyou. Older
than when you left."
exchange 'about' for 'and'
<snip>
"Nabiki, please... I just can't. Not yet."
"I go by Kiyomi now, Uky--"
"But you're *STILL* Nabiki," she shot back.
This story has largely been dialogue driven, but I wouldn't mind a
little more personalized point of view from one of the characters.
Perhaps something where Ukyou thinks to herself about 'Kiyomi' and who
she really is. The revelation of Kiyomi as Nabiki came across very
abruptly.
<snip>
"Wrong, Ukyou. This home belongs to the old woman named Ukyou Kuonji.
The young, debonair millionaire Ukyou Kuonji is staying in a lovely High
Rise apartment on the west side."
As opposed to Kowloon?
<snip>
Ukyou shook her head. There was no need to keep up with the latest
fashions while she was, quite literally, an old woman. The fashions from
the late twentieth century were all the old folks wore, anyway. Although
slightly more modest.
"...were what all the old folks..."
<snip>
Ukyou laughed. "Remember when we first turned over? It took us three
weeks to figure out that we could walk out into the sun."
Nabiki's smile grew. She stifled a laugh as she spoke, "If it wasn't
for Ryouga accidentally wandering out during the day, we might still be
sitting in the Dojo!"
It must be great to be undead. I'm surprised more people don't try it...
The Percy bit was completely unnecessary and numbingly clich�. Nabs and
Ucchan are vampires. We know they can rip mere mortals limb from limb.
There's no point in demonstrating this when said violence adds nothing
to the story.
No, I'm not cranky. I have Jury Duty.
Jamie