Subject: [FFML] [MST][EVA]Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut 4, final draft (1/2)
From: "Teknos Warhammer" <teknosw@hotmail.com>
Date: 5/9/2000, 11:53 AM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

[Inside the Gotterdammerung. A theater is located near the loading bay. Within, the Seraphim from Warhammer's Seraphim's Judgment is waiting patiently... and waiting... and waiting... and waiting...]

[The seraphim: (veinpops) Could someone please tell me where he is?

Commander Dawn: (over the comm) We're still trying to snap him out of 'trying to rule the world' idea.

Seraphim: Did you even tell him that we're doing the next chapter of Evanjellydonut?

WH: (in the distance)...evangellydoughnut!?!?!...(all of a sudden in the seat opposite of the Seraphim.) Shall we begin?

Seraphim: (hops up momentarily) Yeesh! Don't do that! (another thought comes up) Say! Didn't you ever tell them?

WH: What?

Seraphim: You know...(frown grows)... not to mention 'THAT' little detail.

WH: (Nervous) Oh yeah... uh, a note to the good people (wherever they are) who read Seraphim's Judgement. There's a little boo boo that I failed to mention. You see, the seraphim here... is... is...(head slumps) ...it's a guy!

Seraphim: (still veinpopped) I've never been so embarrassed in my whole life. AND, my name is Ela Janeir thank you very much!

WH: (still a slight bit nervous) Anyway... roll it!]

Not much changed, really. Just wanted to run it past y'all again
before sending it to raac. Thanks for all the C&C.

[WH: You're wel... hey wait a minute...
Ela: Forgive him. WH's brain, like his modem, is slow.]

The Sound and the Furry Productions, copyright October 42, 19xx
Andrew Huang, nutcase, headcase, briefcase, member
begun August 25, 1998, with many lurching re-starts

[WH: *KA-BOOM*
Ela: Ladies and gentlemen, we have completion!]

As always, there are big, bad spoilers.
Evangelion is the property of Gainax (great bunch of people, they are).
ADV Films has the rights to the English translation.

[WH: (casually) Spike Spence must die.
Ela: Oh don't start.]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A figure lurks in the gloom, sitting at a desk.
Tappity-tappity. Tappity-tappity.
"I'm working on it. I swear."
Tappity-tap.
"If you don't stop bothering me, I won't finish it!"
Pause.
"Wow, that actually worked. Um. Thank you."
Tappity-tappity.
"Dammit."
[Both: (snicker, snicker)]

************************************************

Far, far above, doom approached, and it was the 14th Angel.
It was big. It was menacing. It was powerful. It was the Angel of Might,
Zeruel. It was....

[WH: Neinhalt Seiger! (WH's armor pops of and he puts on a BIG gauntlet.) BAAA!! *jumps and crashes into the wall*
Ela: Warhammer... we just started this. You can't get this worked up.
WH: Watch me!]

"Why are you watching TV on the monitors? You know the commander's going
to kill you if he catches you."

[WH: (as the guy) NOT to mention the mess you left in the bathroom yesterday!]

"Read a book or something!" *click*
"Who the frag reads anything anymore?" *click*

[WH: Then what the heck ramsey are we doing?]

"I do!" *click*
"What, those damn porno books?" *click*
"Wha--I--that's not pornography, that's...'erotic literature'!" *click*
"Right, porn." *click*

[Ela: (frowns and turns to WH) This is why you brought me here, isn't it?
WH: (whistles innocently)]

*click* *click* *click* *clickclickclickclickclickclick* "OW! Leggo my
arm! Argh!"

[WH: (going spaztic) STOP THE CLICKS IN MY HEAD!
Ela: Alrightie. (reaches up and turns WH off) Ah... silence is golden.]

"Heh! Right! Now, I'm gonna watch this parade, right? And...what is
_that_ thing?"

[Ela: Look! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...
WH: NEINHALT SEIGER! (startles Ela and flies through the air with the greatest of *CRASH*... ease?)
Ela: I thought you were shut off.
WH: I don't shut off easy.]

"...looks like the most hideous balloon ever buil...made...sewn together. What's with that little face? And the arms...they look like folded up toilet paper."

[WH: The less said about this, the better.
Ela: Agreed!]

"..." *click* And the monitor switched off. "Never mind."  The thing is, the 14th Angel also did, indeed, look like a really bizarre parade balloon. The timing could not have been worse.

[WH: Just when Angel season starts.
Ela: I'll pretend you didn't say that!]

"Ow. Damn, you bastard, that hurt."
"...say, you got any...can I maybe borrow one of your porno novels?"
"I said, it's erotic literature, not porn!"
"Whatever."
It definitely could not have been worse.

[Ela: (w/ British accent) How?
WH: (w/ same accent) Could be raining. *ominuouscrackboomthunder* (the sprinklers go off) (WH growls.)]

***
Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, part 4:
The Good, the Bad, and the Really Ugly Angel
by Andrew Huang
written for The Sound and the Furry Productions
***

Asuka was home.

[WH: (as an umpire) SAFE!]

"Hey, look at what my aunt sent me!"

[Ela: (as Asuka) She finally found my leiderhosen!.]

Joining her were the usual suspects.
"It's not another brick masquerading as cake, is it?"

[WH: Yeah, those cakes are always doing that!]

There was a *whap* as Asuka gently shut Kensuke up. "No, this is from my
aunt in Germany. Marzipan!"

[Ela: Marzipan? Sounds delicious!]

Touji peered at his piece of candy--it was in the shape of an orange-- with a suspicious air, and was elbowed in the gut.

[WH: (as ringside announcer) Ow! Suzuhara takes one into the gut! He can't get away!]

Hikari turned back to her friend, examining her piece of marzipan, and said, "They're so well made. It's almost a crime to eat it." She then promptly popped it into her mouth. "Hmm...it's pretty good!"

[WH: (evil voice) Or so she thought!]

"What is it made of?" asked Rei.

[WH: (BIG smile) You wanna know?
Ela: No.]

"It's almond paste, processed and stuff. Great for molding, so that's why...Shinji? You okay?"
"Almond paste?" asked Misato. She glanced over at her ward, who had frozen up at the word "almond".
Asuka nodded, slowly. "Yeah...why?"

[WH: (as Julius Caesar) Let the Games begin!]

"Shinji has this allergic reaction to almonds," said Kensuke, quite cheerfully. "It happened once, 'bout a month before you got here. Say, can I have another one?"
"Allergy?"
Misato nodded. "In about an hour, he's going to throw up everything he's eaten in the past day or so."
Shinji started turning green.

[Ela: My, that's a pretty good impression of Kermit the Frog you got there. ]

"Well, when I say 'in about an hour', I mean, he _starts_ in about an hour, you see. The whole thing takes him up to another hour and a half to finish, if he's eaten a lot. And you saw how he stuffed himself at
dinner."
Shinji turned purplish.

[WH: Wow! He's getting the same color pattern as Dhalsim from Street Fighter!]

"After he's done with that, then, for at least the next twelve hours, he gets these dry heaves of which the likes have never been seen. Outside of his case, that is."

[WH: Yeesh, And I thought my BMs were bad!
Ela: Now that joke was bad, even for you!]

The colors in Shinji's face compromised on a pasty, grayish tone, and he slumped down in his seat. Rei was over to his side in an instant.

[Ela: (w/ radio voice) Uh, Houston, we got a problem.]

Asuka frowned slightly, pondering the question. "I...don't know. Maybe."

[WH: (pulls out dictionary) 'Maybe': Substitution for the word, YES!]

With every ounce of misery that could possibly be stuffed into his voice, Shinji answered, "You will, now."

[WH: Deserved or not? You decide.]

------------------------------------------------

Gendou's glasses slid down his nose. He pushed them back up.

[WH: Oro?]

His cellular phone rang. As he reached to pick it up, his glasses slid down again.

[WH: Double time! Oro?]

"Ikari here." He shoved his glasses up. "Almonds? Again?" He sighed. "This will be inconvenient."
His glasses drooped.

[Ela: (sweatdrop) Looks like he's not as focused as before, eh?]

"Yes, it's this really delicious candy made from almond paste. They make it in Europe. Around Germany, Switzerland, that area. Love it myself, and Yui did too," said Gendou, rather happily. Fuyutsuki blinked. "But, as it would happen, this son of mine has the misfortune of having an allergy to almonds." He nudged his glasses up, but they simply followed his fingers back down. "Damn."

[WH: Ah yes. Charity-like introspection by the lovable, huggable Gendo Ikari.]

"Well, if you must know," said Gendou, removing his specs and tapping on the frame, "the last time Rei and I, ah, argued, I landed on my face. This hinge, here, is all bent."

[WH: (like Nelson from The Simpsons) Ha ha!]

The Subcommander barely suppresed a snort.

"...right, sir." I really didn't need to know that.

[Both: Nor did we!]

------------------------------------------------

Shinji was being cuddled up to by Rei on the couch, who was stroking his hair and murmuring to him reassuringly. It must be noted, however, that she seemed poised to leap away at a moment's notice, and was keeping her boyfriend facing the hallway to the loo.

[Ela: Henceforth, the scout motto, be prepared.]

"Oh. Well, I'm really sorry. Really."
"Urk," replied Shinji. His eyes bulged.

[WH: ...too late...]

"The bathroom's over there, Shinji-kun." Rei popped her head up from behind the couch. She walked over to his side, a slight distance away. "Need some help?"

[WH: ~Help! I need somebody! Help! Not just...~ *WHAM*
Ela: No. Bad Warhammer.]

"Ack! Shinji, let me out of the bathroom fi--oh, my slippers!"

[WH: (as Felix from 'The Odd Couple') Now, it's garbage!]

The music of a discontented stomach filled the air.

[Ela: Why, it's singing Bethoven's Fifth!]

Kensuke gave a slight start. "Oh! Yeah. I am. Here. Er." He scratched his head nervously. "Er. I, uh, found these. On the way here." He pulled some daisies out of his backpack and held them out. "For you. Um."

[Ela: (with a string quartet, played via telekinetic energy, performs Canon in D.)]

Asuka blinked. This was not natural, not at all. "Ah. Thanks." She took the slightly wilted flowers, and looked back at him. Their eyes met....
"Are you okay, Kensuke? You look a little sick."
"I'm fine! I am! Really. Er."
Asuka smiled, a worried smile.

[WH: Aww. How sweet.]

Hikari shook her head. "Wrong kind of smile. I think she was a little...um, put off by it. I know Asuka, and she really wasn't comfortable, there."

[Ela: The question is, is she comfortable anywhere?]

"Huh." Touji sighed, and groaned. "Kensuke must be screwing the whole thing up, then. He's never really been one to charm to girls. Heh, not like me."

[WH: HA! This coming from someone who flashed Asuka on their first meeting.
Ela: Now that's mean!]

"Is it over?" asked Asuka. She was answered first by a toilet flush.
"Gah, who could believe he had that much in him?"

[WH: Oh no! She walked onto the Married with Children set!]

A woozy Shinji staggered out of the bathroom, and tried to look at Asuka in the eye, as much as a guy whose head and neck were imitating a freshly sprung Jack-in-the-box could do so. "I...think so. Uh. Hngk."

[WH: *DoingDoingDoingDoing*]

"Don't worry about it, Asuka," grumbled Misato as she emerged from the bathroom behind Shinji. She was looking a bit tired, and slightly pale. "He feels a few kilos lighter now. That should be all. As for the dry
heaves...that's _his_ problem now."

[Ela: Poor boy.
WH: Yeah, let's not forget who caused it in the first place...]

"Haaaarglk!"

[WH: Ohh. Such a strange tongue. What doth he say?
Ela: How about 'Pepto Bismol, please?']

------------------------------------------------

The Subcommander entered the men's room. He happened upon Gendou, who was vigorously scrubbing his eyeglasses in the sink while letting out a muttered string of curses. There were some wet patches on the floor.
Fuyutsuki looked at Gendou, who had stopped and now squinted back.
"Not a word, Fuyutsuki. Not a word."

[WH: (Big smirk) 'Word'! *Laugh hysterically and runs about. He stops when he collides with the wall*
Ela: I wonder about you sometimes...
WH: Don't. You'll hurt yourself.]

------------------------------------------------

"All present and accounted for, Chair. Except for Lazy, but she never comes anyway."

[WH: Ah! The Council of Rei. Many a fanboy should be pleased at this.
Ela: And you aren't?
WH: Not really. Ever since I saw episodes 21-24, I've grown... disenchanted with the characters. Misato and Asuka especially.
Ela: You never liked Asuka in the first place, so why bother?
WH: Don't start.]

Then again, one may first wonder why such a dream-council would exist anyway. However, Ayanami Rei is certainly a special sort of person, and allowances should be made. Not to mention, the thought of a roomful of Ayanamis makes the fanboys drool.

[WH: (depressed) Don't remind me of that scene.
Ela: SNAP OUT OF IT! This is supposed to be a lighthearted MSTing of a funny story! So, shall we continue?
WH: (shrugs) ok.]

Original surveyed the council room, noting the changes that had taken place since the first meeting. For one thing, almost everyAyanami[1**] was starting to dress differently. She herself and Book (and a few others) still kept the school dress, and Professional was still in the plug suit, but Kickboxer now donned a gi, Irate had a t-shirt sprinkled with expletives, Lazy was constantly wearing pajamas (when she could be found), Affectionate put on things which would concentrate the attention of the fanboys quite well, provided they remained conscious....

[Ela: Looks like they'd be unconscious if they saw her. Right Hammerhead? *POW*
WH: (with style) Don't patronize me.]

And that was just the Councillors. The chambers had been redecorated, mostly by Affectionate. You couldn't look anywhere without setting your eye on a poster of Shinji. Fortunately, Common Sense managed to persuade Affectionate to use some good taste in the effort. Otherwise, Nervous would have fainted upon entering. Or maybe spontaneously combusted.

[WH: (does so) *KA-BOOM*
Ela: Meaning?
WH's remains: Nothing really. Just fun to do. ^_^]

"Very good. The Council is called to order.... First on the agenda is our attempt to set up Aida Kensuke and Souryuu Asuka Langley. Memos from Book on the events at Souryuu's coming-home party have already been circulated, so we will not go over them here."

[WH: (as Original) Let's not forget the Potluck dinner scheduled for Saturday. And let's make sure and congratulate the Rei  Basketball Team for getting First in State!]

An Ayanami in torn jeans *ahem* and a loose flannel shirt with wildly colored hair (as opposed to the normal, unremarkable ice-blue) walked up to the front of the room. Well, not really walked, so much as slouched in an ambulatory manner. She paused to toss an empty bag of potato chips in a trash can before making it to the podium.

[WH: Really classy, this one.]

"Could you please be a little more specific, Hacker?"
"Yeah, I guess."
They waited.

[Both: ...]

Hacker looked back at Nervous with a slight smirk. "No. I'm too good for him. But I did kill the connection right away, just to be safe, y'know? And I did, heh heh, warn him for doing it."

[Ela: Could you be so kind as to explain how you 'warned' him?]

Original decided not to ask for details on that. "Anything else to report?"
"Hmm...nah. That's it."
Hacker stepped down and slouched her way back to her seat. Original stood again, after reading a few more lines on her agenda notes. "Now, for the next order of business...a motion by Nervous on a wardrobe change." There was murmuring in the seats--wardrobe change? From Nervous? Sure, she had been trying to loosen up lately....

[WH: Well... even I have to admit that the 'school uniform only' policy is a bit boring.]

"The Chair recognizes Affectionate."
"I would like to propose an addendum to this...."
"...go ahead."
"I move that we add the measure that we wear nothing else for Shinji- kun."
"NO!!"

[Ela: (snickers) Looks like Rei herself is getting tired to the uniform.]

************************************************

The author put down the big sign marked [1**], indicating a footnote.

"No, 'everyAyanami' is not a typo. It's a new indefinite pronoun created specifically for this fic. Why? Because 'everyone' just lacks that... significance which is demanded by a room full of Reis. You know."

[WH: So, in other words, it could mean 'anyAyanami'.]

------------------------------------------------

[What on Earth is that?] asked Melchior.
[Well,] said Balthasar, slowly, [Caspar has been watching that odd American parade wossname that's being televised. Perhaps this is one of the rejects?]

{Ela: Maybe using Pikachu wasn't such a good idea.}

[We don't have heads that can ache, Balthasar.]
[Oh...parse me, you little binary operator!]

{WH: ...methinks that Balthasar needs to work on his Engrish a bit.}

------------------------------------------------

Night passed, such as it was.

"Wsfgl," answered the lump. A head poked out; it had to be Shinji, because the face on that head mostly closely resembled his, out of all the people that Asuka knew. It probably better resembled some number of
particularly wince-worthy perpetrations of modern art, but at least they didn't moan in pain. Well, she had heard stories, but never encountered such things firsthand. "What...ugh...time is it? Gurk."

[WH: (as Fire Marshall Bill) Amputation Time! (takes a chainsaw and chops his leg off)
Ela: Doesn't that hurt?
WH: No.
Ela: Well... does this? (takes a sword and chops of WH's lower half)
WH: No...
Ela: How about this? (Chops off his left arm)
WH: I'm indifferent...
Ela: This? (stabs WH in the head)
WH: Now the head... a little.]

Asuka stared at Shinji for a good long moment, before shaking herself off and answering. "...almost time to leave for school, but I'm guessing that you're going to take the day off." He nodded weakly, convulsing
slightly. "I'll tell Sensei." She stared at him a while longer, before finally turning and departing to get ready for the day. This had been quite amazing.

[Ela: The things she can do with her Spiralgraph!]

Shinji twitched some more.

Above them, doom continued its approach. And it _still_ wasn't being
noticed by anyone. Well, not for a few lines more of this fic, anyway.

[Ela: (as Zeruel as Lucielle Ball) WAA! HUANGY!
WH: (laughs like Ricky Ricardo)... that's the LAST time I do a laugh like that!]

------------------------------------------------

"AARGH!"
"AARGH!"

[WH: Must be an echo in here.
Ela: ...echo in here.
WH: (frowns) I'll kill you off later!]

"Touji-kun! Aida-kun! Stop yelling! You're in the classroom!"
"Argh! ...sorry, Hikari."  "Sorry, Inchou."

[(the Hawaiian Ska band, Rukus, comes in and says in front of a policeman)
Rukus:b (dull monotone) Sorry officer
Drummer: (weakly) Sorry offi... ociffer. (they all leave)
Ela: Could you please explain what happened?
WH: One of the band members was a working companion of mine while I was still in Japan. I even got a recording of their album! And what happened was at the end of one of their songs, wheresa, at the beginning a gruff voice, probably an officer said "You boys got a license for that thing?" Tons of fun!]

And then her cellular phone rang. So did Asuka's and Touji's.

[WH: It's Commissioner Gordon!
Ela: (as the Commissioner) Sorry Bruce, they've stopped making Batman movies a long time ago.]

------------------------------------------------

A little after Asuka left, Shinji had finally made it to his feet through sheer force of will paired with the realization that if he didn't go to the bathroom _right_now_, he was going to explode.

[WH: *KA-BOOM*
Ela: Again?
WH: What'd you expect?]

He gave up on this, after a while, as sticking a toothbrush in his mouth did absolutely nothing to calm his gag reflex. He'd then decided to gargle with some mouthwash; this actually worked for getting rid of the foul taste, but when he tried to spit it out, his stomach happened to lurch violently again, and he was treated to the experience of having used minty Listerine jet out of his nostrils. This left him rolling around on the
tiled floor for a few minutes, before he could finally get over the pain of losing several layers of cells lining his sinuses.

[(Both wince in pain)
WH: Ow. That's gotta hurt... but so's listening to Brittney Spears, if I said her name right.
Ela: Extremely.]

With that over, Shinji tried to get back up to his feet, failed terribly, and instead crawled back to his room. Now, he was trying to lie very, very still on his bed, thinking happy thoughts, as he stared up at
the ceiling. The ceiling was good. Nothing exciting or sudden or, heh, unfamiliar about the ceiling...at least not this one. Quiet. Serene. Ahh. Yes, it was such a pity that the celphone also started to ring quite suddenly then, and that it was too close to Shinji's head for his liking.

[WH: Why did Shinji through his cellphone out the window?
Ela: To see if time... oh, different joke.]

He eventually managed to get a hold of the phone, get up off the floor, breathe deeply, and open it up. "Hel...lo?" He listened to the NERV technician, who sounded quite frazzled. "An...an angel attack? But...
ergh...I...wait, don't hang--" He looked at the phone and tried to sigh, except that it ended up as a spirited attempt not to swallow his tongue.

[WH: You know, I've even a pig's ear before.
Ela: EWW! Did you need to say that?
WH: Well, it was deep fried, so it was like a potato chip.
Ela: That's odd.]

That passed quickly, however, and he slowly turned to look at his door. He knew that, already, Rei was on her way to HQ, as well as Asuka and Touji. It was time to fight again. He certainly couldn't leave them to do it alone; he was a pilot. Yes, that's right. It was his duty to protect Tokyo-3.

[Ela: All we need is Himura Kenshin to give us the motivational speech and we're all set!]

And so, with determination, noble purpose, and an unfortunate tendency to stagger into the walls, an increasingly bruised and still-queasy Shinji made his way out of the apartment, starting on the long walk to NERV.

[WH: (makes several *bonk* noises to symbolize Shinji walking into every other wall.)]

------------------------------------------------

We shall pass over the panicked shouts of the NERV deck bunnies, the half-hearted snide comments tossed between Touji and Asuka after suiting

[WH: (expanded Ego with BIG smile)
Ela: (pops it with a needle)
WH: *KA-BOOM*]

up and heading to the EVA cages, the technobabble about getting the Units running and up to combat readiness, the bewildered questions about why the other male pilot still wasn't here, and the fact that Gendou now had his glasses actually taped down on the bridge of his nose, which really looked
quite ridiculous.

[(Both Ela and WH laugh at the sight of Gendou's glasses.)]

In a room of a hospital which had been retracted beneath the surface in preparation for the attack, a young girl sat up in bed, silent. The large book in her lap was momentarily forgotten, as she looked off sightlessly,
contemplating something.

[WH: Ah! She's trying to communicate with either Zebu, Tornel, Asina, or Kensu.
Ela: Huh?
WH: Stone age NES game called "Crystalias". Loved every minute of it.]

"The Fourteenth has arrived," Suzuhara Mari spoke in a hollow, almost monotonic voice. "The Fourteenth, the...the...um...." She glanced down at the Big Illustrated Book of Angels. "The Angel of Might, Zeruel."

[Ela: Well, that's what the Hebrew translates as.
WH: El yivneh Hagalil!]

She paused.
"Waah! Scary!"

[Ela: (throws a wary glance at Huang-sensei)]

Now, back at NERV--
"Unit 03 isn't doing anything! It's...it's...."
"Whimpering in fear?"

[WH: How can it wimper in fear?
Ela: Well, Eva's have been known to hate a lot, but they don't love.
WH: I'll say.
Ela: (casually, with a sword at WH's face) I'll pretend you didn't say that.]

The techs and Touji carefully listened to the black production model.
"Dammit, get me out of this thing! It's freaking me out!"

[WH: He can hear "They might be Giants" in that thing, no wonder!]

------------------------------------------------

"Sir...did you really have to do that? The duct tape, I mean. I'm having trouble taking you seriously."
"It's either this or I'm blind half of the time," answered Gendou, testily. "So what is it, Fuyutsuki?"

[WH: (as Fuyutsuki) It's about your glasses, sir. They're distracting. Aoba, Hyuuga, and Ibuki can't stop laughing.]

"EVA-03 will not activate, and your son is nowhere to be found, even though it's been fifteen minutes since Techie Number Five managed to contact him. So--"

[WH: So... it's Happy Hour until we go BOOM! WOHOO!
Ela: Misato would be glad to hear that.]

"...she's rejecting me again, isn't she?"

[Ela: Why she didn't reject you in the first place is a better question.]

"Again? Oh, you mean like after that one lecture I gave, when Yui was a sophomore in my class? I can remember it quite well; she gave you that huge slap that they could hear all...the...way...." Fuyutsuki trailed off, feeling the laser glare of the Commander melting a hole in his forehead. "Um. Sorry. I won't mention it again."

[(Both laugh)
WH: That was worth it!]

Gendou muttered unintelligibly for a few seconds, then snapped, "Well, get the other two out and at it, then. The First and Second. Have Touji on standby for now."
"Yes, sir."

[WH: Geez. Must everyone underrate Touji?]

"And find that delinquent son of mine!"

[Ela: Want a delinquent, look in the mirror!]

------------------------------------------------

*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*
"I'm out of the hospital for one day, and then _you_ have to show up! You bastard!"
*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*
"Eat depleted uranium, you ugly...ugly...uh...."

[WH: Who'd of thought Duke Nukem would run out of things to say!]

"Just kill the thing, Asuka!"
*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*
Misato was getting rather worried. Asuka had already unloaded a sizable amount of ammo into this Angel, with no apparent damage--and it hadn't even raised an AT Field. At least, one hadn't been detected. What manner of strength....

[WH: ...is this that can annoy a Bratsuka Langely like no other?]

"Guns! More guns, lots of guns! Misato! Gimme!"
The Major was shaken out of her reverie. "Oh! Coming up, Asuka!" She punched a few buttons, sending even larger weapons up to the surface, along with more powerful ammunition. "Take care, Asuka, these are
explosive rounds...."
"Yeah, yeah, try to limit collateral damage."

[Ela: The construction companies are gonna LOVE to hear this.]

*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBOOMBOOM*
"Major, smoke is obstructing the sensors. We can't read the status of the Angel," called out Makoto.
"I can't see it, either," came Asuka's voice as she stopped firing. She directed her EVA to step forward, toward the cloud of dust that now surrounded the Angel.
"Wait, Asuka, don't--"

[WH: --let your babies grow up to be cowboys!]

*whirrrrrSHICK*
"UWAAAAAAAAOURGHL!"
"Ack! What was that, Asuka? Oh, it cut off your arms. It cut off your arms?"

[Ela: Well, I guess it's safe to say that she's *WHAM*
WH: DON'T YOU DARE!]

"THAT HURT! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!"

[WH: Standard Dragon Ball line here.]

"No! Asuka, retreat! Your arms are gone! What are you going to do, drip LCL all over it?"

[Ela: (as Asuka with British accent) I'm invincible!
WH: (as Zeruel with British accent) You're a loonie.]

Misato sighed and nodded. She started to turn back to the console, but paused, saying, "If anyone makes any jokes about losing one's head or anything similarly tasteless, I'll tell Asuka about it."

[WH: (Looks to Ela) Too late.]

"Damn," said Rei.
"Right, Rei. Okay, it's your turn--"

"Major," she started, in an emotionless voice, "Commander. There are times when the utmost subtlety is required. A tree bends in the wind but does not break. A strong force can be used against itself to defeat it."

[Ela: That's SO Sun Tzu.]

Gendou stepped up to the console, beside Misato. He looked at Rei in the eyes via the monitor, studied her carefully, and nodded solemnly. "Of course."
"This is not one of those times."
"What?"
"You want some of this? You want some of this? COME GET SOME! YEAH! WAHAAAAAAAA!"

[WH: What, is there a Rei Nukem now?]

*STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP*
"..."
"Commander, I think that's an N2 mine that her EVA has got in hand."
"...noted, Lieutenant Ibuki."
"And she's running right toward the Angel. Full speed."
"Yes, Lieutenant."
"The mine is armed."
"Shut up, Lieutenant, and just tell everyone to brace for explosion."

[WH: Yeah, it's filled with Misato's attempt at cooking.]

------------------------------------------------

Shinji wheezed for breath, and tried to fight off the impulse to retch. As he stopped, bent over and gasping, something rather odd on the edge of his vision grabbed his attention. That is, besides the severed head of Unit 02. He'd noticed that a little earlier, when it had dropped out of the sky and nearly squashed him. That sort of detail is not the kind to be just barely caught in the corner of one's eye.

[WH: It's like remembering that your pizza was left out all night just before you take a bite in it.
Ela: Oh that helps!]


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