Edward Becerra <eabecerr@henge.com> wrote:
So, for those of you reading this, I'd be most grateful
if you'd be harsher than usual with your C&C. My vision is..
clouded, and I need the extra help.
Harsher than my usual C&C? Is that even possible? ^_^;;
Irwin Schwab had trouble dealing with linear logic.
At least, that was the polite way of saying it. A somewhat
more blunt person would describe Irwin as a candidate for permanent
sedation and confinement.
Just as a general comment, it's more effective to show this sort of thing than
tell it. Let us see Irwin in action (which we do to some extent in what follows)
so we know exactly how crazy he is, rather than just having to take the
omniscient narrator's word for it.
Irwin was happy. It had been MONTHS since the last time he'd had
a chance to be a sidekick to the Man Of Steel. (The Man of Steel had
Need to be consistent with your caps.
There was a soft *pop* of displaced air, and Irwin Schwab
vanished. About thirty minutes later, in a similar *pop*, he
re-appeared, a confused look on his face.
"What's a passport?"
Heh.
"I dunno. Don't you think calling a bricklayer would be more
appropriate?"
In Nerima, even the buildings took part in the local insanity.
Again, we really don't need that last line; just show your story and keep the
narrator intrusions to a minimum. (Actually, if I read one more fic where the
narrator feels he needs to inform me directly that Nerima is a wacky place, I
might just vomit over the author.)
"Was there ever any doubt?" smirked Seamus.
You can't smirk a line of dialog. This needs to be:
"Was there ever any doubt?" Seamus smirked.
Seamus nodded. "This is going to make a lovely mess."
"And you wouldn't have it any other way."
"Awwww, you noticed. I'm touched."
This scene, IMO, was not as good as the others in the chapter. Lotsa talking,
but nothing really going on.
"The official morning drink of the people of Nerima. Trust me,
it works wonders. Just don't drink more than two cups a day, and heed
the warning label. Don't attempt to fly under your own power or try
to outrun a locomotive. Trying to outrun streetcars is silly, but
safe."
Maiku took the bag gingerly, noting the label on the canister
it had come from. "Packaged in Nerima. You know, that really explains
a lot."
cannister, I think.
This scene started out kinda promising; seeing the unknowing outsider bowled
over by Nerima chaos was amusing. But IMO, it should've ended there. We
reeeeeally don't need yet *more* talk about how wacky a place Nerima is. And the
drug idea, while amusing, is spamfic material; it doesn't hold up in a fic
that's even semi-serious.
Gos re-emerged from his bedroom wearing the fake leopard-skin
loincloth, his body one giant rose-red blush. "Momma, I look like
George of the Jungle!"
Gos then froze in horror as his mother's face was swept with a
thoughtful look.
"Elephants.. where can I find trained elephants?"
Definitely time to get Ranma to kill me, thought Gos.
Heh heh. Now THIS scene I really liked. But you probably shouldn't abbreviate
Gosunkugi to Gos in the narration unless you establish that people actually call
him by the shortened nickname.
Overall, some very amusing moments in this one, and the series remains one of
the genuinely funnier series on the list. Just lose some of the talkiness,
especially in the narration; try to show more, tell less.
I'm glad that the focus of the story is getting back to our reluctant hero. Some
of the other stuff like Kevin Sorbo and the like are not without their laughs,
but it's hard to see what they have to do with Gosunkugi.
Gary