Not Tellin <mad-hamlet@usa.net> wrote:
As always, all C+C, regardless, is welcome. (Nightelf..be kind.)
So the rest of us can be brutally savage? :) Not that we've ever asked for
permission before.... ^_^;;
Ranma was awakened from a sound sleep by a kick in the gut. He rolled away
from the blow and spun his legs over his shoulders to backflip to his feet.
Still dressed in his boxers he faced his opponent.
boxers, he
Ranma studied the angry man before him. Genma was dressed, as always, in his
Can't tell if this is supposed to start a new paragraph. Either an extra
carriage return here or a missing skipped line or indent.
white Gi. His face was contorted in barely suprresed rage and his stance one
"gi" is not a proper name and shouldn't be capitalized.
suppressed (spelling)
of aggression.
"So whats it going to be Pop, more morning training or am I gonna get a
what's
be, Pop,
lecture cause I chose a girl with 'problems'." Ranma laced the last word with
'cause
It had been a long since she had had a real conversation. She remembered the
a long time since (or something to that effect)
way he had talked to her. His tone had been so pleasant and normal. There were
no laced words, no indication of symathy or pity; just a normal talk between
sympathy
two people. It really had been a long time since she felt the joy that came
from simple, good, conversation that so many took for granted. Oh sure, there
was her family, but other then cliched questions they pretty much had little
to say to her, or her to them.
"How was your day Akane?"
As written, the answer should be "Not as good as my night Akane." :) Always set
a name or description off by comma(s) when used to address a speaker: "How was
your day, Akane?" The same goes for the rest of these lines, and look for this
mistake throughout the fic.
Also, you're not being consistent with spacing; these one-line paragraphs ought
to have skipped lines between them.
"What would you like to drink Akane?"
"Oh you a mastered a new kata Akane, how nice."
"Thanks, cousin Chico!" ^_^ (remove first 'a' and insert comma as above)
"Did Kuno bother you again today Akane?"
Kuno. As that hated name flashed through her mind, along with the associated
face, her playful blows became less so and, in fact, tore through the air
rending apart billions of harmless molocules. Her good mood lost, Akane
Molecules. And unless her attacks are actually burning the air, she's merely
scattering molecules -- rending them would be a chemical change. (I'm all in
favor of metaphorical description, but this seems more like a misuse of
science.)
Akane entered the house and her mouth began to open before she caught
herself. The realization of what she was about to do hurt. Even after a decade
the instinct to yell a greetings to her family came unbidden; bringing with it
yell a greeting, or yell greetings
Ranma and Genma were moving with a fluid grace, leaping and bounding about.
Their feet scarcely touching the ground before the figures were hurtling
airborne once more.
This sentence lacking a main verb. (Change 'touching' to 'touched' and it'll be
fine.)
"They're not sparring! Oh God they're really trying to hurt each other." The
Oh, God, they're
(or preferably, since I doubt that Akane's a christian:)
Oh, gods, they're
two Saotome were holding nothing back; each doing their utmost to put the
other down, hard.
We're told this through Akane's perceptions but nothing in your description of
their fight shows it. Exactly what is it that Akane sees/hears/etc. that leads
her to conclude this?
"I warned you boy, and you defied me. You should have chosen Kasumi, or
Nabiki even, not that hopeless cripple. " Genma hissed, blocking a mid-air
"After all, a completely healthy wife will be essential in my plans to wreak
evil and devastation on the world! NYA HA HA HA!"
*Sigh*
Seems like this is the third or fourth fic in which Genma's objected to Ranma
marrying an Akane with some sort of disability or disfigurement. It's almost
becoming a new fanfic cliche. Is there *any* support for this characterization
in the manga?
The only thing that comes to my mind is the scene in volume 10 where they
thought Akane had been turned permanently into a duck, and Genma had no problem
Ranma marrying her under those circumstances. So why is he objecting now? I
could even kinda sorta see him not wanting his son to marry a girl who couldn't
fight (even though the duck thing pretty much proves that even this is wrong)
but that's obviously not the case here, and even if it were, Kasumi and Nabzy
wouldn't be any improvement.
At least if you're going to use Genma this way, show us a little of what drives
him, why he cares about this. We don't have to agree with him, but we really
should be shown enough so that we can understand why *he* thinks the way he
does.
sidekick. He grabbed the leg and tossed his son across the yard.
side kick. A sidekick is someone like Robin the Boy Wonder or Arthur the Moth
Man.
"Aw.." Ranma scratched his head, "Wasn't nothin'. Pop an' me just got a little
head. (When the action of the sentence isn't being done on the line of dialog,
it's a separate sentence. He's scraching his head, not the words 'wasn't
nothin'.')
carried away that's all."
Akane just held up her hand and made an exaggerated "ok" gesture.
"A change of topic is called for." Ranma thought.
Arg. Please try to format a little more consistently. Either indent paragraphs,
or don't. Either skip lines between them, or don't.
Also, punctuation should be:
called for," Ranma
In this case, he's thinking those words, not merely thinking. Look for this sort
of mistake elsewhere. This phrase seems a bit formal for Ranma, BTW. I think it
would be more like:
"Maybe I oughtta change the subject," Ranma thought.
Akane was gratified to hear the sound a body impacting with the floor. She
gave herself a "V" for victory as she passed the mirror in the changing room.
Ranma was just finishing his breakfast when Akane's board landed in his lap.
It'd help to mark your scene changes somehow so they aren't so jarring. Skip an
extra line, put in a marker, or at least some contextual clues (e.g. 'The next
day, Ranma was....')
Ranma and Akane ran through the streets of Nerima in silence, every once in a
while Ranma glanced at Akane's face.
Run-on sentence.
Ranma looked at the old woman watering the path. She would have hit him with
hit him if
or
hit him with her water if (or some such thing)
With a brisk nod Akane ran through the gates of the school. Ranma hopped onto
the wall just in time to see a hoard of boys, dressed in kendo gear, come
horde. A big hidden cache of valuables is a hoard.
"At fair morn to thee Miss. Tendo. I apologize for not noticing thee earlier
so caught up was I by the splendors of one of natures perfection's." and he
perfections. Don't use ' unless it's a possessive or a contraction.
In a smooth movement Kuno scooped up the plastic board. He moved as if to hand
it to Akane but than clenched his fist crushing the piece of plastic in his
grip. "Ah, forgive me Miss. Tendo, I fear my careless fumbling has destroyed
your voice. Would seem to be D�j� vu all over again."
Suggest "T'would seem to be deja vu." (The redundant 'all over again' doesn't
really make sense for Kuno.)
"I gotta tell ya Akane that was some really good fightin." Ranma said. Or he
meant too. All he got out was "I gotta.." before he was interupted.
meant to.
"Hold!" shouted Kuno. "Who be you boy? And why does thou associate with the
likes of Akane Tendo?"
Ranma's jaw hung open, frozen in mid-speech. "Who the hell did this guy think
he was?" he thought. "What is his problem anyway. Moron doesn't even know me
and he's actin' all aggressive. And what did he mean by 'the likes of Akane
Tendo'. That sounded downright rude."
"I bet he even talks to himself. What a jerk! Right, Ranma? You bet, Ranma!"
"My name is Ranma Saotome," Ranma began, "I am the heir to the Anything Goes
School of Martial Arts. I ,currently, am staying with the Tendos'."
I, currently, am (spacing)
also:
staying at the Tendos'." or staying with the Tendos."
(Tendos' is short for the Tendos' home, i.e. the home belonging to the Tendos.)
"Staying with the Tendos'?" Kuno repeated, "And this wretch is your excuse for
a champion Miss. Tendo? Truly he must be pathetic if he would willingly
Miss isn't an abbreviation and shouldn't have a period (unlike Ms., for
example).
Just as with Genma, I'd really like to know that there's a reason for this
behavior of Kuno and the other students. While bullying is certainly done in
high schools, and a disability certainly can make someone a more likely target,
the people picked on are generally those who can't defend themselves the way
Akane can. The whole point of bullying is to feel superior. While I could see
her being socially ostracized, I don't understand why they'd bother to keep
fighting someone who kept beating them day after day.
Akane never even saw Ranma move. There was a brief whistling where Ranma had
been standing and then he just seemed to materialize before the startled
upperclassman. Kuno did not have time to fully realize the appearance of a
very angry Ranma before the first blow struck; right below his ribcage. He
Don't need the ;
"My God," Akane thought, "He's furious..for me." She shook her head.
"Waitaminute, I don't need that jerks help. I can take care of myself
perfectly fine. I don't need him. Who does he think he is? Treating me like
some weak girl. Still�," She looked again at Ranma. He stood in front of the
school, his back was too her and he held one fist before him, even though he
was a good five feet away she could swear she heard the knuckles cracking.
Overhead, lightning flashed and there was an ominous rumble of thunder. That,
coupled with the expression of bound rage on Ranma's face, "He looks like a
Looks like the last half of this sentence is missing, or something. That,
coupled with Ranma's expression, did what?
"Well class it seems we have a new student today. Ranma Saotome just returned
from a training trip to China. So lets all give him a big 'Ni Hao' welcome.
However this doesn't change the fact that both he and Miss. Tendo were late.
So, go stand in the hall."
TEACHER: And no copying dialog from the anime dub!
RANMA: Yes, sir!
'I thought you were different. I thought you were going to treat me like
anybody else, but you're just like them. You either hate me because I'm a
cripple and a freak or feel so sorry for me you that you treat me like some
fine china. What next, are you going to help me cross the street and make like
a hero? Lets get one thing clear: I don't need or want your help!'
Let's
This would probably be a believable reaction, if it didn't come out of nowhere.
Akane's attitudes toward Ranma seem to be swinging at random in this story; she
flirts with him one second and is mad at him the next with no apparent cause.
Akane's eyes bulged. How dare that redheaded hussy! She was ready to pound
Hey, no one ever notices the anime hair colors. :)
Ranma held the whiteboard out to Akane. "Yer wrong about you being a freak or
cripple. Yer not. This piece o' plastic don't mean nothin like that. It's just
a tool, like a hammer or a fist. It don't mean nothing about the person using
the tool." Ranma was getting increasingly nervous, "And in yer case..that
Well, you did warn us to expect the characters to be different, but I do have to
wonder how Ranma got to be so understanding and wise in the ways of human
nature, especially considering that the change ten years ago applies to Akane
and not him.
Overall comments: Biggest problem I had with this was with character and
motivation. Part of it, I think, is that you're not conveying the feelings of
the characters as well as you could. You tend to simply have them blurt out what
they're thinking, either in quoted thoughts or as dialog. This kind of approach
conveys the basic information on a cerebral level, but it doesn't evoke the
characters' feelings in the reader. The best suggestion I can make is to look at
some published dramatic novels. Look for parts of the story where the writing
makes you feel involved with the story, and see how they did it.
Beyond this, you need to make sure you're clear about your characters'
motivations in your own mind. I get the feeling that the bigoted characters in
your fic (Genma, Kuno, the other students) are just that way because Ranma and
Akane needed some antagonists. Real-world people aren't bigots just because
they're jerks; there are a number of reasons why bigotry happens. We don't
necessarily need to be told the reasons of the characters in your story right
away; but it needs to be clear that YOU know and understand why your characters
do what they do.
I wasn't very kind with this one. :/ Ah well. I hope it gave you something to
think about, if nothing else.
Gary