"Angela Jewell" <jewellangela2@hotmail.com> wrote:
They were in the Nekohanten.
Shampoo released the deep breath she'd been holding and turned to Akane in
confusion. "What we doing here?" she asked, glancing around the room in
surprise.
Akane shrugged, completely at a loss. "I don't suppose this was your
nightmare, by any chance?" she asked hopefully.
"Course not!" Shampoo replied, her voice taking on a hint of indignation.
"Shampoo have much *much* worst nightmare than stupid job!"
COLOGNE: Ah, Shampoo! There you are! I have news for you. We're being bought out
by Pepsico!
SHAMPOO: Ai YA!
COLOGNE: And changing our name to Neko Bell!
SHAMPOO: AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COLOGNE: So, naturally, we'll have a new mascot....
SHAMPOO: *thud*
"The hell it isn't!" Akane exploded. "Your nightmare is about to come true
Shampoo! What part of that _don't_ you understand?!"
true, Shampoo! (missing comma)
That did it. Akane's temper-- which had been slowly burning since Shampoo
had begun to speak and which she had managed to keep pretty much under
control considering the circumstances-- finally burst. "Damn it, Shampoo!"
she yelled, her fists clenched and her face red with anger. "This isn't just
about _you_ anymore. This entire thing is going to affect me too! Why in the
world do you think we're here in the first place?!" she asked angrily, the
absurdity of this whole situation finally asserting itself. "I'm this
psychopath's prize for crying out loud!"
Suggest: prize, for (comma)
Shampoo sighed in defeat. Akane's argument was too well justified to argue
Suggest: Akane's line of reasoning (to avoid repetition of 'argue')
A loud creaking sound succeeded it, and then, as quickly as the doornob had
doorknob (spelling)
Shampoo shook her head as she too began to slowly inch away from
the now empty doorway. "Shampoo no idea." she answered truthfully, all
idea," she
Shampoo shrugged her shoulders, almost as confused as Akane.
"Shampoo no know," she replied. "Akane think is dangerous?" she asked.
Don't need both of the attributions here, unless you really like the way it
flows.
Akane awoke; surprised to find herself securely restrained against a hard
awoke, surprised
or
awoke; she was surprised
Her question was cut short as the sound of something approaching echoed in
her ears. The sound was loud and unnerving; like the pounding of something
heavy hitting concrete. Akane strained her head around, trying to find out
what was making the deafening sound. When she glanced over to Shampoo, she
A better description of the sound would help here. Normally you seem to be
pretty good about this, but I'm having trouble hearing this one in my mind.
Maybe a verb like thudded or clanked or something that gives a better idea of
what it sounds like.
Shampoo's expression immediately hardened as the sound increased, coming
closer with each deafening pounding. With one last violent effort, she began
to tug with a newfound fury at the ropes that were binding her. The light
suspended above her body, growing brighter with each passing effort. Her
struggles were fierce and wild and her face was red from her exertions.
Lotta "was" verbs here. Seems like you could get rid of at least some.
After several minutes, the Amazon lay back against the table, tired and
defeated. No closer to being free from her restraints than she'd been when
she'd started.
Akane had no idea what to do. Shampoo had refused to say what her nightmare
was, so how in the world was she suppose to help her get out of it? All she
knew was that her nightmare must involve some sort of evil creature.
Suddenly... "Shampoo! SWEETO!"
And *that* narrowed the choices down considerably�
Akane struggled against her binds as the sounds of those loud pounding
footsteps continued to come closer. The more she struggled however, the
struggled, however,
tighter they seemed to become. Akane stopped her struggling, trying to
figure out how she could get out of this.
Again, for variety's sake you might want to avoid repeating 'struggling.'
There, over to her far left in the corner of the room, a door had appeared
out of nowhere. It wasn't like any other door she'd ever seen. It was
surrounded entirely by vines� while little pink and white flowers adorned
^
Ack. Non-ascii character.
*Children* were afraid of monsters: Not fearless Amazon warriors! I mean,
Shampoo was _use_ to fighting against monsters and ghosts... the fact that
_used_ (unless Akane is emulating Shamp-speak in her head)
I'd drop the 'I mean;' the shift in person is rather confusing.
she could be frightened of one in particular floored her.
Suggest 'floored Akane.' to avoid the problem of multiple shes.
Shampoo shook her head. "Shampoo no fight Kuan Hou-ai," she explained. "Is
legend pass down through many many generation. Kuan Hou-ai evil enemy: Force
Shampoo ancestors to offer sacrifice every new moon. Must be female Amazon
warrior-- monster no want males. Actually, now Shampoo think about it..."
Shampoo paused, then sniffed in disdain, "Was smart monster!"
disdain. "Was (punctuation)
"Village no have choice." she replied defensively. "If no sacrifice, Kuan
choice," she
Smiling triumphantly, she finally managed to slip her hands out of its
out of their (she's got more than one)
Akane leaped off the table and raced over towards Shampoo who was
still struggling relentlessly at her ropes: She could hear the sound of the
monsters pounding footsteps echoing behind her.
monster's
Akane freed one of Shampoo's wrists, and met her eyes with a mixture of
sympathy and impatience. "Please Shampoo--" she urged, "You *have* to snap
"Please,
And then, her eyes widened in fear as she saw the monster right behind
Akane. Its red eyes burning as it surveyed her, its mouth open-- and its
fangs-- bared and ready, drooling with anticipation. She barely had time to
scream, "Akane!" when the monster let out a tremendous wail, lifted up one
of its long sharp claws, and made a well aimed blow directly at Akane's
well-aimed
Whatever it was the blue shadow had thrown, hit the monster from behind,
thrown hit (comma doesn't work there)
While all this was happening, Akane's eyes had remained glued firmly shut,
waiting for the inevitable blow she was sure was coming. After several
strained minutes however, the inevitable pain she'd been expecting, never
expecting never (same here)
came and Akane opened one of her eyes warily.
To her surprise, Kuan Hou-ai was no longer there, but a good distant away
distance
He'd been forced to watch as Akane-- his uncute, violent, tomboy of a
fianc�-- almost died. Again.
She may be a tomboy, but she's still a fiancee rather than a fiance.
"Akane, you idiot," he muttered softly, watching his fianc�'s face intently
in the mirror. "What the hell were you thinking anyway?"
Suggest: thinking, anyway?"
Ranma's solliquoy here was rather long and dragging, IMO, especially since we
already know a lot of what it's showing about his character. You might want to
chop it down. (Okay, I'm prejudiced against the anime continuity references, but
still. ^_^)
Shampoo returned her smile, "Shampoo glad."
smile. "Shampoo
Shampoo nodded her head and followed Akane towards the door, its too sweet
two-sweet
The two girls stepped out of the room and into the brightly lit hallway
outside, the door slamming shut behind them. The knowledge that their first
nightmare was over, was not a comfort.
over was (again, the comma doesn't work there)
The memory of it was still fresh in their minds.
Hm. As ominous closing lines go, frankly, I've seen better.
Chapter 7 coming eventually. (Those of you have been waiting months for
this chapter, know *exactly* what I mean...) My excuses: Same reasons.
Because of school and, well... heck, I'm just lazy!
Well, good luck with it. Overall, I like this story quite a bit; haven't had
much of a chance to C&C it because it seems to always come out when I don't have
much free time, but I do enjoy it and look forward to seeing more whenever you
get the chance.
Gary