At 05:01 PM 5/8/00 -0400, Douglas MacDougall wrote:

>
>  "Baka Nabiki. Baka Kasumi. Baka Ryouga."

Mmm.  Very Akane.  :)

^_^

I've got to say that comparing smells to colors doesn't work at
all to me.  I like the "noxious and gamey" description of
Genma, though.  Smells and tastes are much more closely related.

Plus, I don't know what "bluish-pink" and "pink" are supposed
to represent.  It's much clearer what "noxious" means.  ^_^

This is a personal preference thing, I guess. About 50% of the readers who've commented, really like the concept of 'seeing scents'. The other half don't. I like it, so I'm probably going to keep it.

with Nabiki's. There was an odd absent quality about it, as if it
> were partially transparent. It bothered her, but she paid it no mind.

Hmmm.  :/  I was so looking forward to Akane getting a clue.

Gomen.

Is the "absent quality" P-Chan?

Yup.

  Why or earth wouldn't she
be able to smell him?

It's hard to state this without actually letting Akane in on the secret. If you spend enough time in a stinky dorm room, you have to have some one come in and tell you it smells like a sty before you realize it. Akane's so used to smelling pig (she does sleep with the thing...) that she can't tell it apart from her own scent enough to associate with Ryouga... *yet*.

>  And there, all around, even on the ceiling, was Ranma's scent.

One wonders how much of his scent lingers in her bedroom...  ;)

Hee!

>  She missed him so badly, yet at the same time was irritated
> with him for his absence. If only he would see that she realized that
> she had made a mistake. If only...

Again, very Akane.  ^_^

^_^ Yay!

 "...bakabakabakaBAKAbakabakaBAKABAKAbakabaka..." Akane began
> to vary the tone of her voice with the colors of the scents she saw.
> Realizing her feet had gone to sleep, she shifted quietly, trying to
> get more comfortable. She turned and stretched so that she wasn't
> sitting on her legs.

Ah, yes.  The Baka song.  ^_^;

For those who don't know, the 'Baka Song' is entitled: Yasashii, ii ko ni narenai [I'll never be a kind, sweet girl]

It's available on the 1991 Ranma 1/2 Calender CD. (March - Track #3)

>
>  "I dunno," Ukyou hissed, trying to reig in her voice. "But
> that's not a blanket. It's... something else! Something... something
> *alive*."

sp:  reign

UKYOU:  It's a monster trying to eat Akane!  We've
 been wrong all along!  She's the victim!

SHAMPOO:  Shampoo say we kill her anyway.  Uh...
 Put her out of misery?  Yes, that it!

Victims is for killing!

>  In a park, Athia and Nodoka watched a junior-high school girl
> feeding ducks as she had been for quite some time. The two sat
> quietly, listening to the sound of news coming from Soun's portable
> radio. Behind them, the quiet click and scrape of Soun and Genma's
> shogi game echoed through the trees.

Um, is that girl stupid, or something?  ^_^

She is the Duck Girl, desceneded from a long line of proud duck feeders. Neither rain nor sleet, nor snow nor serial killing monster can deter her from her appointed rounds. The duck feeding *must* continue. *snicker*

GIRL:  [thinks]  Sure, there's a serial killer out there
 brutally murdering girls, but the ducks NEED me!

The baddies are going to have a much more difficult time now that Ranma's got TV coverage.

>  "Nabiki is also very skilled," Nodoka continued, "if a little
> headstrong. They will be just fine. I hope," she added quietly.

Of course, if they had split up properly,
there wouldn't have been a problem...

Even Athia sees the problem.

>  Akuji took a step back from the girl's body in front of him
> and held up his good arm. White, diseased-looking spikes burst
> through the flesh of his fingers to lance up at the martial artist.

White, diseased-looking spikes?
And that's his GOOD arm?  ^_^;

Ugly as sin. We're going to get more into what makes a Ravener King in the next few chapters.

Gee, Ranma probably should have done something, rather then
just watch him regenerate and undo his advantage.  ^_^

I'm having a problem portraying the time passing, I guess. This is all supposed to be happening very quickly, but I want to spend time talking about Ranma's fighting style. He's supposed to have learned from his last few battles with these guys. Any suggestions

kept coming back for more. Worse, Akuji shrugged off Mouko-Takabisha
> attacks, and Ranma just couldn't get close enough to use the
> Amaguriken on him.

I'm not positive what you mean by "shrugging off" the
moko-takabisha.  It sounds like you mean that it has no
effect on him at all.  But from what I've seen, it acts
like a massive ball.  At the very least, it should push
the King back, even if it doesn't do real damage.

I may reword this.

>  Ranma considered using his Hiryuu-shoten-ha attack. Inside a
> place where there was so much potential shrapnel, he could do a great
> deal of damage to his opponent. Unfortunately, there was not a lot
> heat to speak of. Ranma was going to have to get his opponent angry
> the hard way. He sighed and grabbed a broken off wooden spike left
> over from one of the crates.

Uh, does the Ravener King put out any
heat to make it a hirry-shoten-ha work?

Not a lot... Ranma's really going to have to work for it.

>  "Okay, you asshole. Now you're really starting to piss me
> off!" Ranma ran out into the middle of the Ravener King's line of
> sight and leapt, doing his damnedest to pin the bastard.

What about all those pipes?  Use "amiguriken" speed to impale
the guy's chest torso, and then limbs against a wall (or the
floor.)

He's trying! Again, I'm having problems keeping the fight *fast*.

>  "NIHAO!!!" Shampoo shouted as she busted in the front door.

SHAMPOO:  Shampoo come with martial arts takedown.

AKANE:  You mean take out.

SHAMPOO:  Shampoo know what she means.  >:)

LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLEEEEE!

>  Ukyou shuddered, seeing the shapes move again. "What's wrong
> with you, Akane? What did you do to yourself?"

This sounds like an odd question.  Shouldn't Ukyo's wonder
what's behind Akane?  Presumably she's worried that it's
some sort of magical effect or creatures/minions.

Does she know the "shapes" are part of Akane?
Or that Akane is responsible for her condition?

Looks like I'll have to clarify this. Ukyou (from Cologne's instruction offscreen) knows that Akane is probably a vamp. She makes the assumption, which I'll have to clarify, that the evil looking black-spots in the darkness are somehow part of Akane.

> spread away from her back in a ready position and two long fangs were
> just visible over the girl's bottom lip.

But the fangs are so *cute*!

Yuppers!

Ranma."

/me bangs his head on the table.

KASUMI:  The experienced party is pulling back.  We're going in!

This, I'll have to fix. Both parties are on their way, but Athia and Nodoka's route will take them back by the house.

> be regenerating from anything Ranma could do to him. The really
> powerful variations of the Umisen-ken required some preparations
> that Ranma just didn't have ready.

RANMA:  Blankie!  Give me a blankie!

Ranma wouldn't really want to 'steal' anything from Akuji, either.

>  Ranma leapt up onto a stack of crates. His speed was off, but
> he felt confident, now that the monster was starting to look hurt.
> Ranma inhaled deeply, trying to feel his second wind. "Ranma Saotome
> don't go down for nobody pal! I've seen worse'n you."

Killing a god does boost one's ego.  ^_^

Ranma's got quite a bit of ego, here.

>  Ranma jerked in surprise. There was a woman in a dress suit
> and a guy with a camera a little bit behind her. He groaned in dread
> as he readied himself to protect the foolish woman.

Obviously he didn't ready himself enough.  ^_^;

The other raveners were down for the count when they were pinned. Akuji's made of *slightly* different stuff. This is only the first time Ranma's fought him.

>  "I'm Chioki Tanaka with Channel Fifteen. Can you confirm that
> you are indeed the Tokyo Slasher?" she called out in the near-
> darkness.

CHIOKI:  Well?

RANMA:  [blinking]  What, you're talking to ME?

(It is a little unclear who she's addressing.  :)

She can't really see. I'll have to clarify it.

growled, clutching at the massive wound in his side. *We'll meet
> again, Ranma Saotome,* he thought to himself. *And I'll make good on
> my promise to you then!*

What, the one about eating his mother's liver?  ^_^;

Ayup.

>  Ranma ran over and started to examine the girl's wound. His
> stomach began to boil at the smell of all the blood.

RANMA:  Man, I'm hungry...  [absently scratches neck]

AKANE:  [whistles innocently]

^_^;;

First, let's have a round of Applause for Vincent Seifer, Rick Robinson,
> David Eddy, Allyn Yonge, Steven Pirrone and Nick Leifker. These guys are
> *it* when it comes to pre-reading. Thanks, guys!

sp:  Seifert!
(Ack!)

Damn lazy fingers! Forgive me, Vincent! Gomen!!!!!

Okay, I found this part much more interesting.  Not so much for
the Ravener King parts, but for Ukyou and Shampoo going after
Akane.  Actually, all the Akane parts were fun.  :)

I have the same comment as before about the vampire parties.
Also, why Nodoka and Athia went back home.  Sure, Akane'll
need the help, but they don't know she's in trouble; they DO
know that Ranma is attacking a monster.  Worse still, they're
leaving it to the newbies to handle.

I really think the party composition needs to be addressed.
Either change it, or if that isn't possible with your plot,
go back and give some extenuating reason.

What I'll probably do is go back and add in some (more) concern on Athia and Soun's part to show the conflict, since Nodoka is supposed to be making the mistake.

MEGUMI:  So why'd you decide toget an apartment?
RANMA:  My mom turned my fiancee into a vampire.

ZORT!!!

* * *

C. Jones - guilty@furinkan.net
http://www.furinkan.net

* * *
I get full-motion streaming video and sound, I listen to
radio and steal, steal uh, you know, my music through MP3,
like everybody else does. I write the laws that say it's
illegal, and I do it anyway.

            -Senator Bob Kerrey (D) Nebraska