C&C Continues...
--------------------------------
THE CLAN
Chapter 20 - Meeting Conflict
--------------------------------
[...]
Akane was in a foul mood. She really hated being left behind.
It was a bitter pit in her that Hinako had been *murdered* and her
family had no intention of letting her do anything about it. Instead,
she got to 'watch the house'.
"Baka Nabiki. Baka Kasumi. Baka Ryouga."
Mmm. Very Akane. :)
[...]
After the sun went down, Akane sat cross-legged in the
Tendous' tea room and wrapped her wings around her shoulders. Bored,
she allowed herself to doze off, her body supported by her wings.
suggest: in the tea room.
(To say "Tendou's" implies she's not a Tendo, herself.)
She felt stiff when she woke up. It was completely dark in the
house, giving her a bit of a start, but she soon adapted. As her eyes
got used to the dark, Akane noticed that the shadows had a bit more
depth than she remembered. What was more, she could see deeper into
them. As she grew more and more accustomed to the dark, she realized
that her sense of smell had become sharper as well.
This paragraph needs to be cleaned up. You say, "As her eyes got
used to the dark," and, "As she grew more and more accustomed to
the dark." "The shadows had a bit more depth," and, "she could see
deeper into them." It's rather redundant.
She sat in the middle of the floor, tracing scents past the
deep pools of shadows. There, just by the corner, was Kasumi's gentle
trace. It seemed to be a bluish pink color. Nabiki's was more pink,
there by the table and the stairs. Uncle Saotome's was a deep, wild
swirl of burgundy and green, noxious and gamey to Akane's senses.
sp: gamy
(I know it doesn't look right, but...)
I've got to say that comparing smells to colors doesn't work at
all to me. I like the "noxious and gamey" description of
Genma, though. Smells and tastes are much more closely related.
Plus, I don't know what "bluish-pink" and "pink" are supposed
to represent. It's much clearer what "noxious" means. ^_^
[...]
Oddly, Akane could not 'see' her own scent and could only
catch traces of Ryouga, although his scent seemed to dance and mingle
with Nabiki's. There was an odd absent quality about it, as if it
were partially transparent. It bothered her, but she paid it no mind.
Hmmm. :/ I was so looking forward to Akane getting a clue.
Is the "absent quality" P-Chan? Why or earth wouldn't she
be able to smell him?
And there, all around, even on the ceiling, was Ranma's scent.
One wonders how much of his scent lingers in her bedroom... ;)
[...]
She missed him so badly, yet at the same time was irritated
with him for his absence. If only he would see that she realized that
she had made a mistake. If only...
Again, very Akane. ^_^
[...]
Ukyou adjusted the binoculars, trying to get a better focus
against the almost lightless house. "She's sitting... I think. In
front of the table. She's got a blanket or something around her
shoulders."
suggest: better focus into the darkened house.
("Lightless" isn't a word, and sounds weird, regardless.
And I don't think one focuses "against" objects...)
"Aiya! Wind changing. Be careful to stay downwind, like great-
grandmother say."
cap : Great-grandmother
(Shampoo uses it as a proper name.)
[...]
Akane's ears twitched as the heard the tiny crunch of leaves
hitting the ground. Her eyes darted for the open shogi, training on
the noise. Outside, the tree shook gently in the breeze. The purple-
pink of some kind of small animal stood out among the other scents
there. There was a quiet, barely audible chatter as if two creatures
were talking. If she strained, she could hear two, loud, frightened
heartbeats.
punc: two loud, frightened
UKYO: Yep, no one hear but us squirrels! [panic]
SHAMPOO: We not here to kill you, really! [littlesweat]
[...]
"Did violent girl see us?" Shampoo asked, perched on only her
toes on the slender branch Ukyou had clung to.
cap: Violent Girl
(Proper name.)
An English teacher would weep at the sentence. Ending
with a preposition. On ... toes ... on ... branch. You
might want to reword it.
"She looked this way," Ukyou whispered. "I don't think so."
Suggest deleting Ukyo's first quote,
or adding "But" to the second.
"What she doing now?"
Ukyou adjusted the binoculars. "Singing?"
* * *
"...bakabakabakaBAKAbakabakaBAKABAKAbakabaka..." Akane began
to vary the tone of her voice with the colors of the scents she saw.
Realizing her feet had gone to sleep, she shifted quietly, trying to
get more comfortable. She turned and stretched so that she wasn't
sitting on her legs.
Ah, yes. The Baka song. ^_^;
But doesn't it go:
"Baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka BAKA ba!"
[...]
"Holy shit!"
"What?"
"I dunno," Ukyou hissed, trying to reig in her voice. "But
that's not a blanket. It's... something else! Something... something
*alive*."
sp: reign
UKYOU: It's a monster trying to eat Akane! We've
been wrong all along! She's the victim!
SHAMPOO: Shampoo say we kill her anyway. Uh...
Put her out of misery? Yes, that it!
Shampoo's violet eyes hardened in dread and revulsion. "We get
ready to go in now. See if girl moves again and then attack. Akane
doing bad magic now. Shampoo kill before too late."
suggest: Shampoo kill her
(Her grammar's not THAT bad.)
Ukyou nodded, not wanting to add her voice to Shampoo's dire
threat. Nonetheless, she began to check all her spatulas and the
special bandoleer she was wearing just for wooden stakes. If what
Cologne had said were true, they might have very little choise. Ukyou
wasn't sure of what she had seen, but the half-glimpse had chilled
her to the bone.
sp: choice
[...]
Ryouga reached out gingerly and touched her hand.
"We should be patient, Sister," Kasumi said in a soothing
tone. "It may take some time, or it may have gone after Aunty Saotome
and Athia-san. They will let us know if anything has happened," she
said, gesturing to Tofuu's cellular phone.
If you're using -san for Athia, then shouldn't you
use -obaasan for Nodoka? You can see why I tend to
avoid Japanese in English writing. :j
Also, could you change the word order a bit? I though
Ryoga was calling Nabiki "Sister" for a second, there.
[...]
In a park, Athia and Nodoka watched a junior-high school girl
feeding ducks as she had been for quite some time. The two sat
quietly, listening to the sound of news coming from Soun's portable
radio. Behind them, the quiet click and scrape of Soun and Genma's
shogi game echoed through the trees.
Um, is that girl stupid, or something? ^_^
GIRL: [thinks] Sure, there's a serial killer out there
brutally murdering girls, but the ducks NEED me!
MU-MU-CHAN: [weeps tears of joy]
[...]
Athia briefly glanced at the cell phone they had brought with
them, but Nodoka shook her head. "Kasumi is very good. She will do
well."
Athia nodded, a little bit anxiously. She had only known the
Tendou girls for a few days, but was already deeply attached to
Kasumi. It would be painful for her if the raveners managed to get
through her defenses.
"Nabiki is also very skilled," Nodoka continued, "if a little
headstrong. They will be just fine. I hope," she added quietly.
Of course, if they had split up properly,
there wouldn't have been a problem...
[...]
Deep in the offices of TBN's Tokyo local news station, a phone
rang. A young man who was fiddling with a video camera reached down
to pick it up.
gram: TBN Tokyo's
or: TBN's local news station
or: TBN'S Tokyo new station
"TBN Fifteen; this is Akoto. What can I do for you?" Akoto
listened quietly for several seconds, but then his eyes went wide.
AKOTO: Th- There's no one on the line!
suggest: several seconds, when his eyes went wide
("But" isn't appropriate here; you're not contradicting anything.)
[...]
"Just outside Nerima district! The slasher just killed some
girl in a warehouse. I got the address!"
cap: Slasher
[...]
Akuji took a step back from the girl's body in front of him
and held up his good arm. White, diseased-looking spikes burst
through the flesh of his fingers to lance up at the martial artist.
White, diseased-looking spikes?
And that's his GOOD arm? ^_^;
[...]
Akuji flipped to his feet. His head hanging limply to one side
and the bar protruding from his chest, Akuji chuckled and bent over.
His head straightened out with a sickening crunch and the sickening
white flesh creeped back over both the gouge in his arm and his
broken off-hand. Akuji's claws resprouted from the new flesh. He
flexed them and and laughed out loud. With his now whole hand, he
pulled the steel bar from his chest with a sickening slurp and threw
it to the side.
dup: flexed them and laughed out loud.
Gee, Ranma probably should have done something, rather then
just watch him regenerate and undo his advantage. ^_^
[...]
Ranma clutched the wound and dodged back into the darkness.
"Damnit!" he hissed. "You'd think I'd learn! These guys ain't human!"
sp: Damn it!
or: Dammit!
"No, were not," Akuji's cultured voice called out. There was a
little wet sound to it, as if he was talking around a mouthful of
food. "But you don't need to worry about that, little boy. You need
to worry about dying."
sp: we're
[...]
Chioki held a hand to her headset. "We're live," she informed
Akoto in a quiet voice.
Although not for much longer, I think.
[...]
Konatsu woke at the sound of a familiar voice. Careful not to
disturb the cast on his arm or the bandages around his chest, the
ninja looked around. His eyes finally alighted upon the television in
his hospital room. The screen was blurry and jostled, but a flash of
red whizzed by an indistinct figure of white and black.
suggest: woke to the sound
[...]
Ranma exhaled roughly and dodged. He was hurting. There were
now two cuts on his thigh to match the one on his shoulder and his
ears were still ringing from where he'd impacted the wall just a few
minutes ago. He had torn the Ravener King to shreds, but the guy just
kept coming back for more. Worse, Akuji shrugged off Mouko-Takabisha
attacks, and Ranma just couldn't get close enough to use the
Amaguriken on him.
I'm not positive what you mean by "shrugging off" the
moko-takabisha. It sounds like you mean that it has no
effect on him at all. But from what I've seen, it acts
like a massive ball. At the very least, it should push
the King back, even if it doesn't do real damage.
Ranma considered using his Hiryuu-shoten-ha attack. Inside a
place where there was so much potential shrapnel, he could do a great
deal of damage to his opponent. Unfortunately, there was not a lot
heat to speak of. Ranma was going to have to get his opponent angry
the hard way. He sighed and grabbed a broken off wooden spike left
over from one of the crates.
Uh, does the Ravener King put out any
heat to make it a hirry-shoten-ha work?
"Okay, you asshole. Now you're really starting to piss me
off!" Ranma ran out into the middle of the Ravener King's line of
sight and leapt, doing his damnedest to pin the bastard.
What about all those pipes? Use "amiguriken" speed to impale
the guy's chest torso, and then limbs against a wall (or the
floor.)
[...]
"NIHAO!!!" Shampoo shouted as she busted in the front door.
SHAMPOO: Shampoo come with martial arts takedown.
AKANE: You mean take out.
SHAMPOO: Shampoo know what she means. >:)
Akane jerked and leapt to her feet. Unconsciously, her wings
spread out behind her. Akane's fists clenched in the darkness.
suggest: She clenched her fists
(Avoid the repeated Akane, and get rid of the passive.
Honestly, her fists have been clenching themselves a lot,
recently. :)
AKANE: Yeah, it's not my fault! My fists do it!
[...]
There was a steely hiss as the okonomiyaki chef drew a handful
of spatulas from her bandoleer. Akane gulped and backed up, doing her
best to stay in the shadows. She adjusted her stance and clenched her
fists, ready to defend herself.
Time to visit the Phoenix people and
learn their fighting techniques. ^_^;
[...]
"Pervert-girl give up now," Shampoo said, as if she was making
a trivial suggestion. "Shampoo only knock out, not kill."
SHAMPOO: Shampoo will use the back of her blade; no worries!
AKANE: That's a double edged sword.
[...]
Ukyou shuddered, seeing the shapes move again. "What's wrong
with you, Akane? What did you do to yourself?"
This sounds like an odd question. Shouldn't Ukyo's wonder
what's behind Akane? Presumably she's worried that it's
some sort of magical effect or creatures/minions.
Does she know the "shapes" are part of Akane?
Or that Akane is responsible for her condition?
[...]
"This stupid! No fight in dark!" Shampoo reached up and
grabbed the cord to turn on the fluorescent overhead light.
Akane trailed off as the two girls beheld her with horrified
stares and open mouths.
"A-a-a-a-kane?!?!" Ukyou stammered. "Oh, god... It's true!"
UKYOU: You're a parrot!
AKANE: ...
SHAMPOO: Soon be ex-parrot! [shing!]
The girl Ukyou *thought* she had known was standing in front
of them. Akane was clad in only shorts and a black leotard. The
reason for the leotard was obvious at first sight. Bluish-black wings
spread away from her back in a ready position and two long fangs were
just visible over the girl's bottom lip.
But the fangs are so *cute*!
Shampoo's eyes went wide in shock and dread. She pulled her
sword up and gripped it with both hands. "Shampoo kill demon-girl
now."
AKANE: Oh, good. Then you'll leave me alone, then?
Ukyou's expression narrowed similiarly as she pulled several
of the wooden stakes from her bandoleer.
sp: similarly
[...]
"Yes, Aunty, we see," Kasumi noted into the phone as the four
of them watched the Cafe's television in unconcealed shock. "I can't
tell where it is from the picture. I can't sense it from here,
either. Wait, I can hear police sirens in the distance."
suggest: watched the television with unconcealed shock.
Kasumi nodded and hung up the phone. "Aunty and Athia are
going back to the house," she informed Nabiki, Tofuu and Ryouga.
"Nabiki and I are going to follow the sirens and see if we can help
Ranma."
/me bangs his head on the table.
KASUMI: The experienced party is pulling back. We're going in!
[...]
The cutting force of one of the Yamasen-ken techniques
actually seemed to work against him, Ranma had discovered, but it was
a costly maneuver in terms of strength. Worse, Akuji seemed to still
be regenerating from anything Ranma could do to him. The really
powerful variations of the Umisen-ken required some preparations
that Ranma just didn't have ready.
RANMA: Blankie! Give me a blankie!
[...]
Akuji staggered against the force of the blow. It had nearly
torn his arm off. It started to pull back together, but it wasn't
fast enough. If he took another blow, and the limb came away from his
body, he would lose the use of it permanently.
I think you're trying to say two things, here: if he loses
the arm, he loses it permanently; and if he takes another hit,
he'll lose the arm. Try splitting it into two sentences along
those lines.
[...]
Ranma leapt up onto a stack of crates. His speed was off, but
he felt confident, now that the monster was starting to look hurt.
Ranma inhaled deeply, trying to feel his second wind. "Ranma Saotome
don't go down for nobody pal! I've seen worse'n you."
Killing a god does boost one's ego. ^_^
[...]
Ranma almost chuckled. He finally had his chance. As Akuji
closed in, Ranma took to the air. He arced over one of the steel
beams over the factory floor and lashed out with his foot, tearing
the beam out of its place.
suggest: arced over of one the steel beams above
(Avoid repeated "over".)
[...]
Grinning meanly, Ranma kicked the ten-foot beam in mid air,
angling it to impact the Ravener King.
suggest: Grinning cruelly
(I always think of "mean" as "average".)
[...]
Ranma jerked in surprise. There was a woman in a dress suit
and a guy with a camera a little bit behind her. He groaned in dread
as he readied himself to protect the foolish woman.
Obviously he didn't ready himself enough. ^_^;
"I'm Chioki Tanaka with Channel Fifteen. Can you confirm that
you are indeed the Tokyo Slasher?" she called out in the near-
darkness.
CHIOKI: Well?
RANMA: [blinking] What, you're talking to ME?
(It is a little unclear who she's addressing. :)
Akuji was desperate. He needed the distraction. With a single
deft movement, he sent a claw through the woman's abdomen. Seeing
that Ranma was already running toward her, Akuji tore himself off the
spike and began to stagger away from the scene of the fight. He
growled, clutching at the massive wound in his side. *We'll meet
again, Ranma Saotome,* he thought to himself. *And I'll make good on
my promise to you then!*
What, the one about eating his mother's liver? ^_^;
[...]
"Keep... r-rolling, damnitt! *URRGH*" The girl coughed,
spraying blood all over her own face. She fell over onto her side.
sp: damn it!
or: dammit!
Ranma ran over and started to examine the girl's wound. His
stomach began to boil at the smell of all the blood.
RANMA: Man, I'm hungry... [absently scratches neck]
AKANE: [whistles innocently]
[...]
As the paramedics pulled him away, Ranma gritted his teeth and
did his best to keep the tears from forming in his eyes. The fight
was over, but the Ravener King had gotten away. He was still out
there. Still killing. Still murdering,
...still alone.
Oh wait, he's not Sam Beckett. ^_^;
[...]
Author's notes.
First, let's have a round of Applause for Vincent Seifer, Rick Robinson,
David Eddy, Allyn Yonge, Steven Pirrone and Nick Leifker. These guys are
*it* when it comes to pre-reading. Thanks, guys!
sp: Seifert!
(Ack!)
----
Okay, I found this part much more interesting. Not so much for
the Ravener King parts, but for Ukyou and Shampoo going after
Akane. Actually, all the Akane parts were fun. :)
I have the same comment as before about the vampire parties.
Also, why Nodoka and Athia went back home. Sure, Akane'll
need the help, but they don't know she's in trouble; they DO
know that Ranma is attacking a monster. Worse still, they're
leaving it to the newbies to handle.
I really think the party composition needs to be addressed.
Either change it, or if that isn't possible with your plot,
go back and give some extenuating reason. Have Kasumi/Nabiki
argue (over Nodoka's objections!) that they can handle themselves,
and don't need a chaperone.
Awaiting the next Clan and/or Apartment,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"
MEGUMI: So why'd you decide toget an apartment?
RANMA: My mom turned my fiancee into a vampire.