Thomas Dye wrote:
Ahh good. A Ranma / Kenshin fic. :)
On Mon, 8 May 2000 kukuru@mac.com wrote:
Ahh... feel free to throw whatever you want at me, I might be able to
salvage something from it.
Will do.
Thanks!
"Hey, Ranma. What's with you today."
Hey Ranma, what's with you today? - Try that instead.
Well dialog is always more or less messy. I was going for "not ment to
be a question" tone, but I should change it.
Ranma looked up out of his eerie slouching pose and gave Akane a
rude glare. "What's it to you, Tomboy."
Oh man. Ranma only says that in fanfics, but I think it's always very
ugly dialogue when he talks to her like that. He's being excessivly mean
when he doesn't really have a reason to. If you want to express Ranma's
irritation, try doing it without him initially referring to Akane as
"Tomboy." Really, when I see writers do this, it makes me want to stop
reading and delete the story.
Well it's not totally non-used in manga/anime. But you say a lot of
things you don't mean, especially when you can't get a good nights
sleep.
<snip>
Akane furrowed her eyebrows, anger boiling up. "Well-excuse-me
for caring. Mou, Ranma, you looked like you're half here."
Unnecessary Japanese. If you're writing a fanfic in english, try keeping
to using only english words.
Mou, but it's soooo CUUUTTTEEEE!!!
Nonetheless it's just a sound, so we shouldn't use "umm" in dialog?
<snip>
Nabiki wriggled her finger and put on her lecture look, "Akane,
you of all people should know by now that anything that happens in
Nermia has a way of attaching themselves to Ranma. I'm just
positioning myself to come out in the best possible way."
That seems pretty cold, even for Nabiki. People are getting killed, and
she's thinking about how best she can come out on top.
Debatable till the end...
"Oi, if you want to kill me, at least give me a reason first, ya
know." Ranma hadn't even gone into a combat stance, casually standing
and resting the newly acquired katanna on his shoulder. He may have
been tired, but another 'Die Saotome' opponent, was nothing he couldn't
handle.
I can see it being possible to catch the blade, but from what has been
described, I have no idea how he got his hands on the katana in the first
place.
K, need fix. Hey, he caught kuno's stick easily after jumping off of it.
Drawing his own blade, he rambled on, "I had hoped to use that
sword, the legendary sword of the Hitoki Battousai, but it seems I'll
just have to add another set of blood on my old blade. A little prick
like
you don't deserve to be killed by such a great sword anyway."
Now, is he wielding the Kenshin's reverse blade? That wouldn't have
killed Ranma. I have no idea what happened to his blade that Kenshin used
in Kyoto. I assume that after four years of wear and tear, it
would have been destroyed though.
Well 'realistically', you can't cut something and having it come
together afterwards (See Kenshin trying to get a new sakabatou ep) by
means of a superior blade.
"Is that so�" replied Ranma not in the slightest interested.
"Die, you prick!" The opponent swiftly closed the distance and
"Hey, where did you go, you prick!"
Third instance of the word "prick."
Human nature. How many times have you seen a nervous person use the
word "like" 18 times in one sentence. <-- not ment to be a question.
Shampoo analyzing the two figures, something was up, and if she
could find a leverage somewhere, husband would be hers.
Shampoo's logic here totally escapes me.
That may be a good thing.
Everyone has their own writing style I realize, but saying Kasumi's
trademark line over and over can get very tedious to see after every scene
change. Not only that, but it breaks the mood you're setting up--if your
working for angst and sadness, and then I see this, it totally jolts me
out of it.
Can't be helped, I use it in all my fanfics, so: Biiiiiiiii daaa~~~ ^_~
"Sanosuke!"
"Sanosuke!" doubled Kenshin along with Kaoru.
No need to repeat the dialogue, just change the details.
Well I'm not writing an essay here, I have some breathing room for
artistic licence.
I am assuming you know *how* Kenshin got the scars in the first place,
along with the meaning of them. They aren't just there because they look
cool, you know.
Yes they are!
Really though, I won't spoil it for everyone, just like you. There will
be something to that later.
With that she went into stance. Kenshin knew that stance all too
well. Left leg leading, slanted side ways, left hand on the sheath, and
right hand ready. The stance of his style, the Hiten Mitsurguri Ryuu.
Again, here. It's funny how all these Hiten Mitsurguri Ryuu swordsmen pop
out of the woodwork all the time, like this. Other than Hiko and Kenshin
themselves, they are supposed to be the last. The anime had two others in
this Christian story arc, but their names escape me.
*Author searches for artistic licence* Trying to second guess me now,
are you?
That's it? She walks away? Seems to me, the whole encounter was kind of
pointless.
Ditto.
Yes very pointless, but then, that's why I didn't go into her stream of consciousness.
"You're hurt Kenshin, let's get you to Doctor Genzai," Kaoru
suddenly ruined the mood by dragging Kenshin to the doctor with the
side his wound was on.
Ahh, anime version of Kenshin.
"Orrroooo�" was all he could muster out.
To be continued�
Only in the anime version does Kenshin use "oro".
Well, I'm a little confused on the direction you want this story to move
in, but I'll stick around and read the next chapter after it hits the
list. One thing I really think you need here, are some proofreaders. I
noticed a lot of simple things, like incorrect punctuation for starters,
very awkward sentence wording, missing words, or just improper use of
pronouns. Prereaders can catch a lot of these things, and if you go over
your own work as well, you'll find a lot of these errors yourself. I
pointed out a few, but they are by no means all of them.
Yes I think anyone who reads my stuff knows I'm really bad with that stuff.
Pre-readers good, but they tend to fall asleep waiting for me, tee-hee.
Ranma's characterization could use some work, but Kenshin seemed to be
alright, even if he was a little weak with his fighting skills.
Oh no, I don't need any character vs Character debates, and anyway,
Kenshin only seems weak in comparasion to Ranma, which is very
misleading and questionable since this isn't the Ranma we know, ne?
Try
working towards slightly larger chapters too. You started things in
motion with this one, but as soon as things began to get interesting, you
switched the point of view, so nothing really happened here. I've found
that having a small individual plot within a single chapter that
contributes to the story as a whole, works wonders.
Yes but they seem to take a lot out of me. I never really call anything
"Final" so if I ever need to, I'll fill, but until then, I'll have to
work the way I can tell it.
I hope you that you
found some useful comments out of this.
-TD
Thanks, your replied helped.
~Kuku