Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is not mine. It's owned by
Hideaki Anno, Studio Gainax, and a handful of other companies.
I'd be crazy to try to make profit off of this and if I'm found
doing so, may I be tarred and feathered like the base criminal I
am!
Looking over the great expanse of blood red liquid, sits a
young child. Completely devoid of emotion, he gazes at the half-
head. "Ayanami... Asuka... Misato-san..."
"Is this what I wanted? Peace. No burdens, no
expectations."
"Yes. No one to berate me, to annoy me, to anger me, to
frighten me... no one."
Shinji sighs imperceptibly, showing his first sign of
emotion. "Alone at last."
As he lies down on the pearl white surface of the cross, he
whispers one final word.
"Alone."
---
Bored Otaku Productions presents:
Second Chances - Prologue
By Dokushinsha
---
As the days pass on and he is left with nothing to do,
Shinji thoughts turn to what has occurred since he arrived in
Tokyo-3. Thinking back to the first time he met Misato, and how
she opened her home to him, Shinji furrows his brow in thought.
"Why?" Sympathy? Pity? Maternal instincts? ... Love? "No,
pity, or maybe even sympathy." But was there more? Her kiss.
Protecting him from harm. Congratulating him after defeating an
Angel. Crying for him when his body failed to rematerialize.
Anger when he ran away. Forcing him to pilot EVA-01. Teasing
him. Smiling. Sadness. Fear. Loneliness. Happiness.
Laughter.
Whispering softly to himself, Shinji pleads, "No, she's
gone. Please, I don't want to remember."
Closing his eyes, Shinji drifts back into a restless
slumber.
---
Inevitably, Shinji's thoughts return to his past. Asuka.
His first meeting with her. Her arrogance. How she criticized
him, teased him, made fun of him. Being forced to live with her.
How she criticized him, teased him, made fun of him. Being
forced to go to the same school as her. How she criticized him,
teased him, made fun of him. Being forced to pilot with her.
How she criticized him, teased him, made fun of him. Being
forced to care for her. How she criticized him, teased him, made
fun of him. Being forced to see her pain, her tears. How she
criticized him, teased him, made fun of him.
No, his mind cries. There's more than that! The first few
moments of their kiss. The exhilaration, if only for a second,
as they synchronized perfectly. The rare smile she graced him
with. The vulnerability she showed when she thought no one was
looking. Her confidence, the fire that burned within, the fire
she used to destroy the Angels. Her laughter as she talked with
Hikari. Her smile when she looked at him, her laughter when she
talked with him. Her smile looking, her laughter talking. Her
smile, her laughter. Her smile, her laughter. Smile, laughter.
Smile, laughter. Smile, laughter...
"NO!!!" A single tear falls slowly down Shinji's face,
down from his eyes, past the side of his nose, onto his lips, and
splashes gently onto the white cross. "No, she's gone. Please,
I don't want to remember."
With a shuddering sigh, Shinji lies back down and allows
sleep to overtake him.
---
"Ayanami," Shinji whispers almost inaudibly.
Images flood Shinji's mind as he thinks about Rei. Sitting
by the window, staring outside the classroom. Loneliness. His
eyes follow her hand as it slowly comes up towards his face, and
slaps him. Surprise. Tripping and falling onto her.
Embarrassment. Wrenching open the entry's plug's hatch, then
seeing her smile at him for the first time. Relief. Seeing her
stare blankly back at him, with no sense of recognition. Pain,
cold as ice. Cradling her in his arms as she winces in pain.
Concern. His bloody hand. Fear, concern, ... care? Waiting for
Touji's EVA-03, hearing her scream of surprise then pain, then
hearing Maya's words. "Unit 00 is severely damaged. The pilot
is wounded." Fear, concern, ... care. Watching as the energy
beam eats through the shield and impacts EVA-00. Fear, concern,
and care.
But there is more than that. Companionship when they
silently ate lunch together. Peace as he sat in class staring at
her. Contentment during the few times they walked to school
together. Happiness when she spoke with him. Warmth when she
smiled at him.
Tears that he can no longer contain begin falling. "No,
she's gone. Please, I don't want to remember."
"Ayanami."
Not bothering to wipe his tears away, Shinji collapses into
a fetal position and cries himself to sleep, whispering a phrase
over and over.
"I miss you all. I miss you all. I miss you all. I miss
you all..."
---
Yawning slightly, Shinji cracks one eyelid open and jumps
back in surprise, both eyes wide open. Floating above the sea of
red is a woman glowing with an almost painful luminescence.
"Ohayo, Ikari Shinji."
Blinking in surprise, Shinji is speechless. "B..b...boku-
wa...? (You are...?)"
Smiling peacefully, the woman replies, "I am Belldandy,
Shinji-kun."
"But... how can you be here? Instrumentality has occurred.
I should be the only person left."
"I am not a child of Lilith like you, Shinji. I am an
Angel."
Shinji backs away, his eyes widening in fear. "A..angel?!"
"No Shinji, not like those you fought. I am here because
of what you have learned, these past few days."
"What I've learned?"
"Hai. You are starting to understand your own feelings for
the first time in your life. It might have taken Instrumentality
for you to understand, but regardless, you are learning."
"But I still don't understand! What have I learned?"
Seemingly ignoring his question, Belldandy responds with
another. "Shinji-kun, why did you choose the Instrumentality?
Why choose to open the door to Gaf's room, to have everyone's
souls joined, instead of existing separately?"
"I...I don't know. Please, don't ask such questions. I
don't want to have to think about it, to remember those times.
Please."
Nodding slightly, Belldandy replied, "Very well, Shinji-
kun," and disappears without a whisper.
Blinking once in surprise, Shinji sighs to himself. "What
is going on? Please, I just want to forget." As his thoughts
once again return to Rei, Asuka, and Misato, Shinji reluctantly
falls asleep.
---
Following days of introspection and soul-searching, Shinji
is at a loss for what to do next. "Why am I here? Why haven't I
joined everyone else? Am I to be alone forever?" he asks
himself.
A voice (his own, he realizes) whispers back at him,
"Alone..."
"Forever."
"Alone forever......"
"Alone forever."
His eyes widening slightly in fear, Shinji quietly whispers
back, "No."
"No?" the voice responds. "But that's what you chose; to
avoid piloting EVA-01 again, to avoid Asuka's teasing, to avoid
your Father's demands, to avoid the guilt you feel towards Touji,
to avoid Rei's indifference, to avoid Misato-san's pain, to avoid
everything."
Shoulders slumped, Shinji despondently responds, "Yes,
that's right. It's easier this way. No pain, no sorrow, no
regrets, ... nothing." Closing his eyes, Shinji's fights back
the loneliness and fear he feels in his heart, for now.
---
"Shinji-kun... Shinji-kun..."
Shinji slowly opens his eyes and finds Belldandy kneeling
off to his right. "Belldandy!"
"Ohayo, Shinji-kun. How are you feeling?"
"..."
"Shinji-kun?"
"Feeling? I ... I don't know. Fine, I guess. Why are you
here, Belldandy?"
"Shinji-kun, why did you choose Instrumentality?"
Wincing almost in pain, Shinji replies, "Why do you ask me
these questions? I ... it hurts to think about these matters."
"I'm sorry. Would you like me to leave?"
Looking up in fear, Shinji exclaims, "NO! Please stay,
I'm..."
Shinji drops his head back down between his knees,
whispering, "lonely."
"But Shinji-kun, isn't this what you wanted? To be alone?
To avoid everyone and everything that caused you pain?"
"Yes, but..."
"But?"
"Maybe... maybe I was wrong. I thought this would be
better, locking myself away from everyone. Then I wouldn't have
to face them, and try to live up to their expectations. I
wouldn't have to worry about how they felt towards me. I
wouldn't have to ... disappoint anyone."
"And how do you feel now, Shinji-kun?"
"I don't know. I'm scared to say what I think." As Shinji
slowly looks up at Belldandy, he whispers softly, "What if I was
wrong?"
Placing her hand gently on his cheek, Belldandy replies,
"Then you were wrong. All that matters is that you realize this.
Can you answer my questions now, Shinji-kun? Why did you choose
the Instrumentality? Why choose to open the door to Gaf's room,
to have everyone's souls joined, instead of existing separately?"
His eyes screwed tight in concentration, fear, and anger,
Shinji replies. "I ran away again. I didn't want to suffer
anymore. I was scared of what would happen if I didn't allow the
Instrumentality to occur. I was scared I would have to pilot
EVA-01 again. I was scared..."
Shinji slowly looks up, gazing into Belldandy's eyes with
surprisingly fierce determination. "But I'm even more frightened
now! I... I don't want to be alone anymore. I can't imagine an
eternity like this!" To himself, he whispers, "I'd rather die."
As she strokes his cheek gently, calming him down,
Belldandy smiles lightly. "Then you will have your wish. In
these past few days He has seen your regret. He is giving you a
second chance, Shinji-kun. Will you accept it?"
Shinji looks up with hope. "A second chance? I can see
everyone again? Ayanami, Asuka, and Misato-san?"
"No, Shinji-kun. Not them, not then. Only a second
chance. Do you accept?"
Shinji is almost in tears. "But why...? I won't be able
to see them?" Shinji withdraws into himself, filled with
disappointment. "...Fine. I accept. Anything to leave this
place, Belldandy. I accept."
"Then it will be so. Remember, use this opportunity
wisely, Shinji-kun. Don't forget what you have learned here.
Now close your eyes and let all your worries go. Trust me."
Shinji slowly closed his eyes and exhales loudly as
Belldandy leans over to him, and kisses him gently on the
forehead. "You have your wish, Shinji-kun."
As a bright light suddenly flares outward from the two,
Shinji whispers softly, "Arigatou."
---
"Sensei, sensei!!"
Shinji slowly opens his eyes, and jumps back in alarm as a
young child's face appears directly in front of him. "Aaah!!"
"I scared you didn't I, sensei? I'm sorry ... Sensei, are you
ok? Sensei?"
Shinji hasn't responded, since the boy looks exactly like
he did almost ten years ago. "Masaka! (It's unbelievable!) Who
are you?!"
"Sensei, what's wrong? It's me, Shinji."
"But, but..." As Shinji-sensei draws a hand to his face,
unable to believe his eyes, he is shocked to see how old and
wrinkled his hand looks. *What has happened to me?*
Chibi-Shinji looks on in confusion, unable to understand
his sensei's reaction. He tries to make sense of it all and
comes to an unsettling conclusion. "Sensei, you're not sick like
Mother, are you? You're not going to die like her, are you?"
Chibi-Shinji begins sniffing sadly.
Forced to put aside his problems for the moment,
Shinji-sensei is faced with a crying, four-year old child. "No,
Shinji, I'm ok. Don't worry." Pulling up a chair, he lifts
Chibi-Shinji into his arms and cradles him gently. "I'm ok..."
To Be Continued...
---
Author's notes:
I have mixed feelings about this, my first posted work. It's
highly introspective on Shinji's part, and I'm not entirely sure
I got his character right. Plus I'm starting to think it was too
wordy. Anyway, I was lucky enough to see all of NGE (eps and
movies), so at least I have the canon to work off of. Also, I
think the concept has promise. I just hope I write well enough
to do it justice.
I took a few liberties with the storyline. I'm not quite sure
how exactly Shinji chooses to allow the Instrumentality to occur,
or even if that's its name. Should I end the prologue right
after Shinji and Belldandy part company? How old was Shinji when
his mother "died"?
Corrections and input would be appreciated. Even a simple "I
liked/hated it" will suffice (but isn't preferable). I'm
tentatively looking for pre-readers as well, so if you'd like
such a position, please say so. Barring death threats and such,
I'm going to continue this as far as possible. So I promise not
to release 2 chapters and disappear. :)
For those who do recognize my nickname, Dokushinsha, send me an
email. I've been off of the FFML for quite a while, and I'd like
to see who's still around.
Dokushinsha
http://www.freeyellow.com/members5/dokushinsha/index.html
dokushin@uclink4.berkeley.edu (primary address)
dokushinsha@juno.com (secondary address)