Been meaning to repost, since I figure part 3 will be done in
most likely two weeks. Consider I can't seem to find that
enviable state known as sleep right now (it was a blissful hour
and a half of good, solid snoozing), and what the heck. And I so
wanted to have something new out before ACen-- ah well, it's
probably new to most of you ^_^
Comments of any sorts are both appreciated and solicited,
and I'm not going to remind you that I am a moderator on the list
with the power to ban people who don't give me praise (what do you
mean I can't do that? What a gyp!) :)
So, here's the entire of part 1:
Most insertion fics have the wrong premise: cool powers, otaku who,
due to their knowledge of the series can fix things for everyone...
c'mon, let's be realistic. You know what you'd really do if you got
transported into an anime... you'd try to make it with some of the
characters, wouldn't you? Of course, that's not necessarily such a
good idea. Watch and learn!
Disclaimer:
El Hazard and the characters within are the
creations/property of AIC and are used without their permission.
The characters of Michael Chen, David Eddy, Andrew Huang, Matthew
Lewis, and Anand Rao are fictional; all similarities between them
and persons living or dead are purely coincidental. These names
were picked at random and in no way represent anybody at all,
especially not any authors you might see or have seen on the FFML
or anything like that.
No, really, I mean it.... Do you really think that people act
this way? Especially that Matt bastard, he's a real loon. I have
nightmares about him sometimes....
(Aw, who am I kidding? I've never had a nightmare in my life....)
I would also like to take this time to thank my pre-readers:
Michael Chen, David Eddy, Anand Rao and Andrew Huang, truly a great
bunch of guys that I wouldn't be ashamed of being seen hanging
around with in public.
So I suppose I should introduce the most-definitely-not-real-and
certainly-not-fanfic-authors, don't you think?
Dramatis Personae--
(in no particular order)
1. David "I come from the land Down Under" Eddy
-he's big, no, I mean really big, and he's smart, too
-given that, do you think it's really that good an idea arguing
with him?
-doesn't wear "Kiss the Cook" aprons at bars, despite whatever
rumours to the contrary
Known for: Nekophobia and other things-- go to his webpage and
have a look see
2. Anand "What the hell am I doin', drinking in L.A.?" Rao
-not as big as Dave (although he does work out), he ranks in as
second tallest member of the group as well as the second
oldest
-couldn't fidget or twitch more if he were a psycho who just
popped a few caffeine pills
-doesn't go around screaming "I always wanted to be dainty!"
-got a good set of shoulders underneath that head of his
(wait! that didn't come out right for some reason....)
Known for: obsessive devotion to Kasumi and Kasumi-ish
characters... I mean, for the trilogy: Love and
Marriage-- the Dangerous Path (starts off with
Kasumi and Spice), among other things-- check out
his web pages and have a look see
3. Andrew "Don't, don't, don't believe the hype!" Huang
-favourite colour is not in fact two shades lighter than
chartreuse, no matter what everyone else says
-wears a black scarf
-neither big nor small, he is able to hold his own in twitching
and fidgeting contests with Anand, no mean feat
-must be rich, because he's merely eccentric and not loony
-walks dogs nude in the park, because he's against putting
clothes on dogs
-able to use various accents at will (can keep up with Matt in
this, although this is a voluntary action on his part)
-likes to live dangerously, gives Mike sharp objects to play
with
Known for: Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut... and his computer,
Oddzilla (Size! Does! Matter!) and some other stuff-- check
out his web page for a look see
4. Michael "It's a big enough umbrella/ But it's always me that
ends up getting wet" Chen
-born on the dying planet Krypton, Kal-el was sent to earth,
and raised by humans, and was named Michael Chen by his
adoptive parents...
-not sure if he's immune to kryptonite or not
-definitely doesn't hear voices telling him to do vile,
despicable, horrible acts that would make Jack the Ripper
blush
-physically the smallest member of our insipid... I mean
intrepid crew, he's also the most mild-mannered (although
he's faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall buil--
okay! okay! I'll stop), we're sure he's going to snap, because
it's always the quiet ones
Known for: various Alternative Reality fics, the only real El
Hazard lemon currently in existence, and for not really
completing a series-- saunter on over to his web page and
have a look see
5. Matthew "Insane in the membrane (must be insane! got no brain!)"
Lewis
-rude, crude, and (accidentally) tattooed
-sorta like that weird, infuriating, and yet somehow likeable
friend you have (and you all have one), only moreso
-of about the same age/height as Anand, he looks disturbingly,
disgustingly, normal and average
-mostly harmless, which still means slightly harmful
-trying to disprove the "it's always the quiet ones" theory
-a technical bastard, although not technically a bastard
-accent changes at variable intervals; combined with rapid-fire
speech and a tendency towards not pronouncing every syllable
make listening to him an auditory nightmare
-doesn't wear white after Labour Day
Known for: putting music references in quotation marks for the
Dramatis Personae-- if you manage to check out his web
page, you're suffering a hallucination or are
delusional-- seek help
Now that you've had a chance to get to know the goon squad... er,
the characters, some form of prologue or beginning is in order. You
know the type, something extremely contrived and transparently
obvious. Myself? I think I'll watch GuNHED....
How did it begin? a good question, that. Most would agree that
it all began with a letter, five letters to be precise. Five
letters, all identical, all arriving at the (barring differences
for time zones) same time-- yes, that is where we can trace the
beginnings to. The letters read:
Congratulations!
You have won an all expense paid two week trip to Japan, with 300
000 Yen spending money in traveller's cheques. You, along with four
(4) other people, will be touring the land of the rising sun,
courtesy of SPD Sweepstakes.
You and your four (4) co-winners are:
Michael Chen
Andrew Huang
Dave Eddy
Anand Rao
Matthew Lewis
Mike's response upon reading was, "Cool! I get to go to Japan,
where most of the girls aren't taller than me!"
Andrew thought, "Hey, some of these names seem familiar."
David thought, "I've always wanted to go to Japan. Hmmm...
maybe I'll put another shrimp on the barbie."
Anand thought, "Paid vacation! I'm in!"
Matt, on the other hand, was a little more paranoid... er,
suspicious. "So, what's the catch?"
Maybe then, or maybe not, five men found themselves on planes
making a pilgrimage to the promised land of all otaku.
Perhaps it was half a week after the five arrived in Japan, and
just possibly they were driving a van with luggage strapped to the
roof-racks.
Dave was the one doing the actual driving at this point. There
were three real reasons: only three of them could drive a
stick-shift (Mike and Matt being the other two); there was a
greater amount of leg-room in the front seats (something which
Dave, who towered over everyone else, greatly appreciated) and
last; he was also used to driving on the left side of the road. It
should be noted that Matt didn't seem to have any troubles driving
on the left side either, although he attributed that to being
left-handed-- nobody said anything to him about it.
Matt was in the navigator position, riding `shotgun' as it
were, with various maps sprawled out in front of him. Andrew sat in
the middle bench and was in the process of getting a crick in his
neck due to sleeping with his head resting on the window. Mike,
another victim of serious changes in time zones and jet lag, was
stretched out in the back seat, sleeping soundly. The remaining
three were unaffected (both Dave and Anand having to suffer a lot
less of a difference to their internal clocks, and Matt claimed he
had the ability to make gross changes to his internal clock at a
whim).
Anand was in the unenviable position known everywhere there are
three people in a car as `the guy in the back seat.' This, of
course meant that his head would pop forward once in a while to get
in on the conversation. Anand was unable to sleep so he instead
settled for tapping his fingers to a J-pop station they had found
and taking a perverse pleasure in knowing what bench-mate Andrew's
neck would be like later; too great a pleasure to want to wake him
now. Besides, Andrew needed his beauty sleep, Anand reasoned (oh
man did he ever!). Mike was dead to the rest of the van, probably
somewhere in the depths of Delta sleep.
In at least one respect, pairing Dave and Matt up front was an
extremely bad idea. Dave, who had spent many hours behind the wheel
perfecting the art of `Zen driving' as he called it, and Matt
`I-never-get-lost-I-just-take-the-longer-more-scenic-route' were,
well, let us face it, only slightly better than Ryouga was with
directions. Add to that Anand's head popping in once in a while,
which only served to distract Matt and his (vain) efforts to
decipher their position on the map, and fun things could begin to
happen (it wouldn't be much of a story if they didn't now, would
it?).
It didn't help that Matt's knowledge of Japanese bordered on
non-existent (with the written form not only bordering, but setting
up residency and recently receiving citizenship there). Matt, in a
previous fit of lucidity, had bought a traveller's map (with
English translations) as well. Due to its size, he couldn't unfold
it properly, lest he block off Dave's view to the left side of the
road.
Everything would be all right if only Matt could get to his
luggage. The maps were unhappy and needed appeasing if they were to
give up to him their secrets. The problem was, who to sacrifice?
Mike, Anand, or Andrew (Dave was obviously too valuable, with his
knowledge of Japanese, and more importantly as a driver). Anand was
currently awake, so he'd put up a fight (could be tough). Mike?
Heck, Matt figured Mike might help him with the ceremony. Nope, it
had to be Andrew, he was the one who they had to--
"Uh, guys? It's starting to get dark. Shouldn't we try to find
someplace to stay for the night?" asked the curious phenomenon
known to front seat people as `the ghost head' but could also be
known as Anand. See what I mean by always distracting Matt from his
attempts to decipher the map?
Dave was busy, trying to commune with nature, in hopes that it
could tell him where they were (not a great hope of that happening,
them being in the city, surrounded by concrete, asphalt and all).
Matt briefly considered ignoring the ghost head, hoping it would
believe him too engrossed in decrypting the arcane symbols of the
map to notice it. Matt reached the conclusion that if he did not
answer the ghost head, it would continue to haunt him.
"Just a little bit more. I'd like to cover a little more
distance before we stop for the night. That'll make us that much
closer to our next tourist site, eh?
"We are getting a little low one gas," Matt noted as he looked
at the fuel gauge. "Could you stop in at the next gas station,
Dave?" That might give Matt a chance to ask someone where the hell
they were.
Dave had not only successfully started to commune with nature,
but was on the cusp of something really big, like the meaning of
life, or whether a tree really makes a sound if it falls and no one
is around (the answer, just in case you were wondering, is why
anyone should care if they weren't around to hear it), or what the
Caramilk secret really was, when Matt's words filtered through, and
he lost the link. "Hunh? Oh. Yeah. Sure. No problem."
Ten minutes later Matt was busy talking to a young Japanese man
who was eagerly trying to improve his English (a bad choice for the
man, because Matt's accent suddenly took this time to start to
wander, and it oscillated between a passable Jamaican and Atlantic
Coast Canadian). Mike was still comatose, while Andrew woke up with
a massive crick in his neck (the van stopping woke him up). Dave
was in the washroom, while Anand was busy filling his new-found
Pocky addiction from the little convenience store attached to the
gas station.
"Shinanome." That's where the Japanese man said they were. He
was even able to tell them which street they were on, after finally
translating what it was Matt was trying to say.
Having a foreigner scream at you "Which way is the road to,
bye?" has never been terribly condusive towards understanding,
especially if not shouted in one's native tongue.
Everyone was packed in the van a few minutes later. "We're in
Shinanome. I wonder if we'll see Makoto?" Matt joked.
Those who were awake stared at Matt strangely-- well, more
strangely at any rate, mistaking the reference.
"Er, I thought she was in Juuban, or something like that," said
Andrew.
"Didn't know you were into young girls in short skirts, Matt,"
ribbed Dave.
Anand said, "In the name of Jupiter I'll--" but there's no need
to use the exact words now, is there? I can't even think of a way
to say it in polite company, and the way Anand said it, well, let's
just say that you wouldn't even say it in impolite company, much
less polite company.
Matt was somewhat dismayed that no one else got the reference,
although he was rather proud of Anand for that unexpected show of
crudity.
Back in the van, Matt reclaimed the shotgun position, saying he
knew exactly where to go (Mike, who was bleary-eyed but awake,
mumbled something about Matt, the superman comments, and telling
him where to go, but we're much too polite to go into that).
The time was just past sundown, and the group was driving past
a high-school when a column of light burst from one of the
buildings and into the sky. No one else knew what was going on,
although Matt had an idea.
Matt pointed in the direction of the light and shouted out with
far too much energy, "Ohmygod! Look! Awesomeparkingspot!
MustgogetitnowDavehurryhurryhurry!"
Dave's brain was confused by Matt's actions and took a
vacation. Dave's body, on the other hand, not receiving any other
orders, proceeded to drive towards the high school.
They never reached the high school. The group of five found
themselves in the van, in a desert. Confused expressions claimed
everyone's face, with the exception of Matt, whose face wore a
maddeningly ecstatic grin for counterpoint.
"El Hazard," he said, although no one else knew what he was
talking about.
Someone at Suspicious Plot Device Sweepstakes laughed.
***
Somewhere in the Desert of Bleached White Bones a van sat,
engine idling. There were four men inside it, wondering what the
hell just happened, and what they were going to do. The fifth knew
where they were, and had a pretty good idea what to do.
Dave killed the engine because there was no reason to keep it
going, and no one knew how long the gas would have to last them.
Dave used the act of turning the engine off to help draw
attention to what he said next. "What the hell did you do that for,
Matt? Do you have any idea where we on earth we are?"
Matt answered with an enigmatic smile, or at least he tried to.
What really happened was that he looked rather psychotic. "Who said
anything about Earth?" Everyone heard the capital "e" in that
sentence.
"Although," Matt added thoughtfully, "truthfully? I don't
really know where we are. I suggest we get out of the van and look
around a bit. You know, see if we can see anything before we pick a
random direction and start driving."
Everyone knew that Matt was holding back big-time on where they
were. Still, his suggestion was a good one, and they could always
beat... er, get... it out of him when survival wasn't such a
problem.
All five of them got out of the van; Andrew did not mind, since
it gave him a chance to stretch. The van sat in the middle of a
depression in the desert; fortunately the ground was hard and did
not rise up into sand-dunes in this particular patch. They decided
to each take a direction and climb out of the depression. Anand
went east, Dave went west, and Mike went over that cuckoo's nest.
Wait, that can't be right.... On one hand, they didn't have a
cuckoo's nest, and on the other hand, they didn't really know for
sure which direction was which, the sun being at what was
presumably its noon position.
What really happened was Mike, Anand and Dave each picked a
separate direction and started walking, while Andrew kept trying to
work that kink out of his neck. Matt was busy in his own right,
leaning up against the van-- he called it "guard duty." How many
did you think actually fell for it? Right. Matt actually apologised
for such a feeble excuse.
"They're all aheada ya, Andy. Yer gonna have to run if you want
to catch up, eh?" said Matt lazily in his usual rough speech.
Andrew threw him a mildly dirty look and muttered something
quietly. "I don't see why you're the one who sticks around the van,
eh?" while doing a credible imitation of Matt's regular speech
pattern.
"Well, I know how to drive it, an' exercise is good for you, so
really I'm sacrificing my health for you guys."
Andrew was non-plussed. "That's better, but I hope you don't
expect me to fall for that."
"Henh. 'course not. That's not the point. If I wanted to be
believable..." Matt shrugged. "Anyway, you're going to be late if
you don't hurry."
"Ach! Yoo're right!" One final pop of his neck, and then Andrew
sped off.
Literally.
Andrew moved faster than the eye could follow, cratering the
earth with his steps and leaving a cloud of dust in his wake. Ten
seconds later, a stunned Matt felt a breeze and then a dust cloud
hit him. Five more seconds, and the dust cloud enveloped the van;
Matt saw the cloud coming and just barely managed to get inside the
van in time. Anand, Dave and Mike ran back.
A minute later, Andrew's form walked over the horizon; it was
quite an event, sucking all light into it and... oh! wait! wrong
horizon... nevermind. As Andrew drew closer the rest of the crew
were able to make out his features-- a big silly grin plastered all
over his face.
"Shuku-chi," Matt said.
Mike nodded dumbly. "Shuku-chi," he agreed.
"What?" Anand, Andrew and Dave asked (well, actually Andrew
said, "Hunh?" and Anand just sort of peered suspiciously at Matt,
but otherwise it's pretty spot on).
"Shuku-chi is speed beyond divine speed; it is the fastest.
Faster than the eye can keep up," recited both Mike and Matt. They
looked at each other and grinned, while Anand just nodded.
"Kenshin?"
"Yeah."
"How was Andrew able to run so fast? That's not humanly
possible," asked Dave quietly, so quietly that no one heard him,
and if they (read: Matt) did, they were ignoring him (a hard task,
true, but not impossible).
"Best anime out there, I'd say," said Matt in a lazy drawl,
the kind which makes you think of spittoons and chewing tobacco.
"One of my faves," Mike agreed.
Anand merely nodded. Hecould be heard mumbling something about
Shishio being a cheap bastard.
"What about Evangelion?" asked (oh come on, you know who it is,
I know who it is, so why even bother saying it? Well, just to be
complete, I suppose I should say who) Andrew.
"Don't like it," said Mike, simply.
"It's not bad. Bit over-hyped though, methinks," replied Matt.
"How come Andrew was moving so fast? He left small craters
where his feet touched the ground," asked Dave, again, this time
slightly louder.
"What do you mean? The animation is awesome, the story is
great, the characters, the fact that it's more than just about the
mecha...."
"All well and good, but Escaflowne's got all that in spades.
You got characters who I'd say are more realistic, in their actions
and their motivations. You could take out everything about the
Guymelefs and the show would still be pretty much the same--
Evangelion? Take out the Angels and the Evangelions, and what do
you have? I even like the design of the Guymelefs better. The Evas
just don't seem quite real to me-- with their too thin and too long
torsos, and their stretched arms. The centre of gravity of those
things'd be really effed up," Matt paused and thought for a brief
moment.
"I do like the power cord idea though; and the Judaeo-Christian
mystical references/bits. Very accurate, that, even up to that
little bit of angelic script that flashes by in the opening
credits."
"How come Andrew was able to move so fast?" said Dave, now
somewhat peeved by the lack of response.
"What?" asked Matt indignantly and incidentally ignoring Dave's
question yet again, "It's a subject of interest for me!"
"How come Andrew was able to move so fast?" Dave shouted, tired
of not getting heard.
"I expect we'll all be getting some sort of power or something,
not just Andrew. Be different for each of us, I'd guess," said Matt
non-chalantly, looking up at the sky.
"And how would you know?" asked Dave, now that he guided
everyone back to a more relevant endeavour, namely, pumping Matt
for information, since Matt seemed to know what the hell was
happening.
Matt looked back at Dave with a big smile on his face.
"Shouldn't," he said in an almost (but not quite!) too smug tone,
"we find some water and shelter, out here in this desert?"
Dave was about to say something when Andrew spoke up. "Uh,
yeah. About that. While I was running, I found an oasis or
something. Looked like there was people there, or at sometime in
the past, because there were buildings and stuff."
"We should probably go there then, shouldn't we? There'll be
time enough for explanations when we get there," said Matt
confidently.
"How far away is it?" asked Anand.
"Dunno. I don't really know how fast I was running, so I can't
say. Even so, I only just barely saw it. It was straight that way."
Andrew pointed in the direction he first headed off in.
"We should conserve petrol then, since we don't know how far it
is, or how far we have to travel before we can even get more," said
Dave.
"How can we do that?" asked Andrew quizzically.
Everyone else's eyes glittered strangely. "Oh, I have an idea,"
said Dave very quietly.
***
Dave was in the driver's seat with Mike taking up the other
front seat. Anand and Matt shared the middle bench seat, so that
Anand might prove to be a greater, physical reason to get Matt to
talk. That was the plan, at least. Where was Andrew, you ask?
Dave stuck his head out the window, "Yeah, you just keep going
this speed, Andy!"
Andrew, who was pushing the van and still managing to run
several times quicker than any man had a right to be, even with
enough steroids in his system to pump up a blue whale, shouted
back, "Don't call me Andy!"
"So, Matt. You were about to tell us what you knew about--"
Dave started, eyes on the... sand, in front of him, before he was
interrupted by the very person he was addressing.
"You know what we need to help us pass the time along?" No one
knew, and no one particularly cared, but that didn't stop Matt from
forging on ahead.
"We need a sing-along! Okay everybody, after me: Fly me to the
moon...."
Matt proved to be stronger and a lot slipperier than they
expected.
At least Andrew wasn't alone outside anymore, for all the good
it did him. Matt was bound and tied to the roofracks, mouth gagged
so he could not do a particularly vicious and bad version of THAT
song. And everyone else in the van was happy, except for Dave, who
had the sneaking suspicion Matt did that on purpose. Dave was
right.
***
Andrew found a way to take his mind off the fact that he was
pushing a van across an alien desert at speeds no human, no matter
what kind of performance-enhancing drugs he or she be on, should be
able to come even close to approaching (nevermind while pushing a
loaded van): talking to Matt.
Since Matt wasn't really able to talk back (having your mouth
gagged will do that to you), and considering the nature of Andrew's
talk, a better word might be harangue.
"... and that's why Evangelion's better!" Andrew finished off,
glad to get that off his chest. Nothing like having a captive
audience.
For his part, Matt smiled underneath his gag, as he very
slowly, very deliberately, closed his eyes. While his eyes were
closed, for that scintilla of time they were shut, Matt saw--
--the backs of his eyelids. They were slightly reddish, since he
was currently facing the sun. Matt sighed-- it was worth a shot.
Now, if only he could perfect tuning Andrew out.
Matt never did get a chance to perfect tuning Andrew out
because Dave took this time to lean out the window and shout,
"Andy! You can stop now!"
Andrew was not responding to Dave's call, perhaps because he
didn't hear it, still engrossed in haranguing Matt about, well,
basically why Matt was wrong and Andrew was right (according to
Matt. To Andrew, it was more of a calm discussion with the
intention of correcting certain flaws in Matthew's logic. Matt's
inabilty to reply was irrelevant).
"Andrew!" Dave was starting to sound a little more urgent,
"Stop! You can stop now! Do you hear me!" In the meantime (not to
be confused with the kindtime, which was generally agreed to be a
lot nicer) Dave threw the van into gear (hoping that putting it
into gear would help slow it down quicker), stomped on the brakes
and threw on the parking brake too, just to be complete. "Bloody
well stop pushing, godammit!" Was that a hint of panic?
Andrew noticed that it was getting a lot harder to push. In
fact, when he looked down at the wheels, there was smoke coming
from them, and they looked like they weren't turning at all,
instead skidding on the ground. The thought occurred to Andrew that
this might be a good time to stop running.
Matt had somehow managed to remove the gag from his mouth,
utilising an heretofore unknown dexterity with his, well, no need
to go into that now. Suffice to say that he got the gag off, was
taking a deep breath to give a scathing reply to Andrew when he
noticed two things.
1. The van was deaccelerating rapidly.
2. He was not tied onto the roofracks very well.
Actually, Matt noticed a third thing too, namely that the
combination of the first two things was an extremely,
doubleplusungood thing, especially when he still had his hands tied
and couldn't get a decent, halfway decent, or even a stinking,
crummy handhold on the roofracks.
So instead of giving a whithering reply to Andrew, filled with
all of Matt's powers of elocution and natural charisma (something
along the lines of, "You're seriously effed up there, buddy," no
doubt), what he ended up saying was, "Aw, bugger this. I'd swear
there's someone out to get me if I wasn't sure that it wasn't a
whole group of 'em." With those words of... no, I absolutely refuse
to call them wisdom, do you hear me? I refuse! Anyway, Matt went
soaring off the van as he uttered those words, continuing his
journey as the others stopped, advancing the cause of science as he
incidentally proved that Newton's Second Law was active in the
world of El Hazard. Matt also invented three new expletives in the
process, advancing the moral decay of society by a similar amount.
"I suppose we should probably go and see if he's okay,
shouldn't we?" Anand asked, an almost, but not totally, rhetorical
question.
They found a somewhat mangled Matt slowly sliding into the
water of one of the various hot springs in the oasis. Dave and
Anand reached in and grabbed Matt before his head went completely
under.
"You know if you hadn't tied me up like that, with that one
rope connecting my wrists to my ankles, I would have been okay,"
Matt said in a very cool, very droll voice.
"You know if you hadn't started singing that song we wouldn't
have had to tie you up like that," Dave quipped back.
Matt closed his eyes as Mike untied him. "I can forgive you for
gagging me," Matt said calmly. "I have no problem with that. It was
right and good, for what I started to do. I can forgive you for
tying me up, otherwise I could remove the gag. I can even forgive
you for making me listen to Andrew, because I'm the forgiving sort
who won't hold it against you. BUT WHAT I CAN'T FORGIVE YOU FOR IS
FOR PUTTING ME OUTSIDE!"
Everyone blinked at the sudden increase in volume and took a
step or two back from the expression on Matt's face.
"Outside is supposed to be that place in between inside and the
car, godammit! You bastards! I swear I'll get you for this if it
takes me twenty years! Don't think I won't forget something like
that! I'm the kind who holds grudges, who cherishes and nourishes
them like a favoured plant." Matt started giggling insanely like an
anime character, only much more unnerving (due in part, no doubt to
the fact that it was actually happening in front of them).
Anand was wishing he brought some tranquilisers, specifically a
dart gun, with some tranquiliser darts in it. Andrew was lamenting
the fact that Mike had finished untying Matt before the tirade,
while Dave made a mental note to make sure Matt's gag was on
tighter next time. Mike briefly toyed with the idea of joining in
on the laughter, but he did not want to blow his cover just yet.
Dave looked at Anand, who, coincidentally enough, looked at
Dave at the exact same time. They nodded in unison and slowly made
their way towards Matt, careful not to make any threatening
gestures. Anand and Dave needn't have worried though; Matt was too
far gone in his laughter to be aware of his surroundings.
On either side of the lunatic, Anand and Dave quickly grabbed
him and ran quickly to the edge of the hot spring Matt had so
recently been dragged out of. Anand and Dave stopped at the edge...
Matt went a bit further.
"He's been down there a long time, hasn't he?" asked Anand,
somewhat conversationally.
"He's holding his breath," was Dave's dismissive reply.
"I don't think so. I mean, look at all those bubbles that came
up soon after he landed. Do you perhaps think that...," Anand
trailed off meaningfully.
Dave sighed. "We better go check, I suppose. We did throw him
in, after all. I'd feel sort of guilty if, you know...."
Anand and Dave quickly waded into the pool to the spot where
Matt landed. Looking into the water they saw Matt lying there on
the bottom of the pool. Reaching down, they grabbed Matt and--
--found
themselves sucking water as Matt quickly shot up and dunked their
heads under the water.
Matt had a huge grin plastered over his face as he laughed
good-naturedly. "That'll teach ya! No good deed goes unpunished!"
Matt laughed some more. "Two down, and two left to go!"
"Next time," Dave observed wryly to Anand, "we just leave him
there, no matter how long he stays down."
Anand just nodded mutely in agreement as he snorted out some
water.
***
"Ahhhh. Oh yeah, that's the stuff," said Mike eagerly as he
eased himself into the hot spring.
Mike was the last to enter. Everyone else was already lounging
in the pool. Andrew was quite possibly asleep, acting as the
replacement engine must have tired him out, while the rest of the
vacationers were approaching Andrew's state of near total oblivion,
stretched out langourously at the edges of the pool as the sun beat
down on them.
"You know what just occurred to me?" Matt threw the question
into the air, and where it landed he did not care.
"That you're an evil, evil man and you're going to mend your
ways?" asked Anand.
"That pumpkins can be deadly weapons, if used correctly?" asked
Mike.
"That you still haven't told us what you know about this place,
or how to get back?" asked Dave.
Matt laughed off Anand and Dave's suggestions, although he did
give some brief thought to Mike's. "No, of course not. Although to
partially answer you Dave let me say just this: Eye of God. No,
what I was thinking about were Sighs."
"Sighs?" asked the awake trio.
"Ess eyes. Self insertions," translated an apparently not quite
asleep yet Andrew, who was getting quite good at being able to
translate from Matt to english.
"What about them?" asked Anand tiredly, playing his part in the
ritual, knowing that even if no one asked, Matt would have
continued regardless.
"Well, the problem with them, mainly."
"You mean how most of them can fit into a basic template of
'author goes into world, gets cool powers and easily fixes all the
problems?'" asked Mike.
"Maybe you mean the obvious wish-fulfillment aspect, and what
makes them so disappointing is that the wish is so similar to your
own dreams, making them seem a little less unique or grand. Of
course you could argue that this commonality of desire brings us
closer together and by showing this, self insertions drop some of
the boundaries between us," said Dave.
Matt looked at the two of them with a mild look of disgust on
his face. "Nah, it ain't that. Why would I care about that stuff?
The real problem y'see, the real problem is... that it ain't me!"
Matt announced triumphantly to the shock and horror of everyone
else. "I mean, why should I care about what happens to someone else
whom I've most likely never even heard of before, nevermind met?
Some yahoo workin' out their neuroses or somethin' like dat, or
even worse, the ultra-super powered knob who can do anything
without a challenge whatsoever! Why should I give a damn?
"I, I however, am far more interesting than anyone else, eh?
Could you imagine me as a Sigh? Could you imagine the fun I could
have? The havoc I could wreak? None of this 'let's solve their
problems' crap, or 'let's join them' junk, oh no! Not me! Oh man! I
tell ya, I'd be a far more interesting character than any other
Sigh!" Matt was practically drooling (let's face it: there was
nothing practical about it. He was drooling) at the thought.
"He... he does have a point, I suppose," Anand conceded
charitably.
"Next time we just leave him there, no matter how long he stays
under," Dave lamented to himself.
"Hey, what's that?" Mike interrupted the cackling and drooling
going on in the background.
"What's what?" Apparently Andrew was merely faking sleep,
perhaps so he could better ignore Matt.
"I thought I heard something, that's all."
Something in Mike's voice must have pierced through Matt's
chortling, because Matt quickly sobered up and asked in a sober,
yet slightly eager tone, "Where?"
Mike pointed towards a dense section of shrubbery. Matt
immediately waded over to the offending foliage and popped his head
through. When his head emerged, it had a large grin plastered all
over it, like the canary that ate the cat.
"Boyss, C'mere fer a looksee. I got's sumthin' yeh's'll wanna
see," said Matt easily as he further perverted and corrupted the
language.
"Nononono. We're not that dumb, Matt. Frankly, I'm kind of
disappointed that you think so lowly of us that that would work,"
replied Anand.
"Nah, I'm serious, y'gots ta see this! Oh baby, come ta poppa!"
Matt moved away from the plantlife, making his way towards the
luggage, which was out near the van, but not so near that it looked
like Matt was going for the van.
Noting that Matt did not seem to be planning on ditching them,
and deeming it safe to find out what he was talking about, everyone
stuck their heads through the bush Matt was at and saw--
--saw lots
of uncovered female flesh. Lots of beautiful women chatting and
utilising one of the hot springs near them. Goofy grins were worn
by all, except for Mike's, which was more Daffy than Goofy.
"Aha! Found it!" Matt exclaimed, causing everyone to turn their
heads. Matt had already dressed, and was wearing a white t-shirt
with the words "Mostly Harmless" airbrushed on it and a pair of
long shorts which went to just above his knees.
The object he was holding aloft had to be the "it" Matt was
talking about (although you never could be too sure).
"Found what?" asked Andrew.
"Old Spice. Boys, this stuff'll make you a sexual
Tyrannasaurus, jus' like me!"
"If it bleeds, we can kill it," Mike said in a low monotone.
Somehow he had a knife in his hands. Just as amazingly, Mike found
himself alone by the bush.
"Right then! Who's been giving him the sharp objects again?"
Dave said indignantly while looking at Andrew. Andrew gave a
sheepish shrug.
Matt was making his way towards the fountain of female flesh on
the other side, having just slapped on too much Old Spice.
"So, what do you think's going to happen?" asked Andrew.
"Hmmm, thousand yen says he gets shot down," replied Dave.
"That goes without saying. I was wondering how bad? Two
thousand says he gets slapped."
Anand popped in the conversation, saying, "Come on guys. Who
knows? Maybe he'll actually be, well, you know... norma-- oh man. I
think that he's starting to rub off on me. I don't know what I was
thinking there." Anand shivered in horror and disgust. Not one of
them blamed him, and you shouldn't either. I don't.
It should be noted that no one, no one at all, ever thought of
trying to stop Matt from going over and getting shot down in
horrible, horrible fashion, not even in passing. Instead they went
back to watching, to see how events would proceed. Mike put his
knife away and put a thou on Matt getting kneed in the groin.
***
In the pool with an overabundance of X chromosones, Matt
approached one of the women-- the one closest to him, in fact.
Brunette, dark hair, fair skin, good-looking (then again they all
were, so that doesn't really need to be said). As Matt stalked, er,
walked towards her, he made a grin that tried to be rakish, but
ended up looking more self-indulgent than anything else.
"Hey baby, you hungry? How 'bout you try my tubesteak?" Even
the tone of Matt's voice was offensive.
The woman looked furious and raised her hand while readying her
knee when suddenly she blinked.
Matt was readying himself for the just pain he had earned, so
he was caught off-guard when he didn't feel anything.
The woman took in the air around Matt and said, "You smell nice
and you're funny. I like you."
This was an unexpected development. No one bet on the
possibility that Matt might actually succeed and were in too great
a shock to believe it had actually happened yet.
On the other hand, Matt was crying tears of joy on the inside.
Life was actually going to be like a porno flick. After all, if she
didn't belt him back to Earth for that comment, then... well, you
know....
Reality, however, had different plans.
A deceptively gentle and soft breeze blew through the oasis,
past the van, past the confused gamblers, past Matt and through the
bathing women, until it returned to the desert. The bathers looked
up from their ablutions in nigh-perfect synchronicity; they looked
around, sniffing, scenting the air like a pack of wolves out
hunting. Their eyes settled on Matt.
"So, like, you really think that's physically possible?" Matt
asked, somewhere between horrified and intrigued.
"I don't care. I must have you now." The woman suddenly lunged
at Matt, who toppled backwards.
Matt was sprawled out in the water (this time his head was
above the waterline), looking up at the woman (he never did get her
name), goggle-eyed and opening and closing his mouth like a fish
out of water. She tried to rip his shirt off, and was actually
doing quite a good job of it when Matt's eyes started to focus
again and noticed that he and the woman were no longer alone. In
point of fact, they were surrounded by the rest of the women who
were bathing, who all were looking at Matt with the exact same
expression on their faces-- somewhat similar to the way a hungry
wolf might look at a sheep.
As the woman ripped off Matt's shirt, she cooed. She purred.
Matt screamed. He ran, still screaming.
The women, of course, gave chase.
"I didn't expect that," said Dave blandly.
"What? The Matt not getting hit bit, or the part where they all
wanted him and ran after him?" asked Anand.
"Well, I didn't expect that either, but no, I was talking about
that scream. I didn't expect it to be that high."
Anand looked thoughtful for a moment. "You're right. I would
have thought he would've had a less shrill scream."
Andrew made an observation. "Maybe the one on top of him had a
good hold of his--"
"Thank you Andrew, that'll be enough of that," said Dave,
quashing that line of thought before it began. Andrew stopped
making a grabbing gesture with his right hand at about waist
height.
"They didn't look like they were too worried about what was
going to happen to Matt, did they," Mike added in conversationally.
"Yeah, well, I'm not bothered by that," said Dave, "As far as
I'm concerned he's got it coming for evading our questions."
"Yeah, but what happens if they catch him? I mean, how are we
going to figure out how to get back home without him? After all,
he's the only one of us who knows, or might know, where the hell we
are," Mike replied.
"Damn. I forgot about that. Andrew, you're fast, you can get
Matt away from them, right? You bring him back here while we pack
up and get the van ready. We're heading out before something else
happens."
Andrew merely nodded, it made sense. Andrew took a quick look
around before he took off in the same direction Matt had fled scant
minutes ago.
The feel of his feet on the ground, the wind against his face.
Andrew loved everything about it. The exhilaration, the world
blurring around him and knowing it was all his doing. He was the
fastest thing on land, or in the air. He was fast. He was speed. He
was-- tripping over a small stone he didn't see until too late and
flying through the air. Luckily for Andrew he hit a wall (even more
luckily, the wall was made of a soft stone) at just the right angle
and bounced off it into an unused pool of water. Said pool was
unused because its high sulphur content gave it an unpleasant
smell. A forlorn moan could be heard from Andrew, if one tried to
listen hard enough.
***
Matt finally stopped screaming, which was a good thing because
it only served to help his pursuers find him. He had finally
stopped running, which was also a good thing because he had no idea
where he was going and seemed to have evaded the women who were
after him. Matt started to giggle insanely (is there any other way
you really expected him to giggle?) in between breaths as he leaned
against a convenient tree.
"I --haha-- I'm being chased --ha-- by priestesses that're
-heeheehee-- acting like Maenads --ohohoho--," Matt was able to
gasp out to himself before he looked up.
There was a shriek of triumph which alerted Matt and caused him
to look up. The shriek went something along the lines of, "I've
found him! He's over here!"
Matt turned and ran. Well, actually he just turned. The running
part of "turned and ran" was rendered impossible by the large
orange Bugrom that was now a very short distance from Matt's nose.
"Hello. How are you? I can never remember which type Bugrom is
which, so you'll have to forgive me." Matt sounded perfectly calm
and conversational.
Other Bugrom emerged from the dense foliage. Matt looked
around. Instead of running away in fear or anything (and risk
getting caught by the priestesses, thank-you-very-much) he smiled,
then began to laugh.
"There's no way in hell they'll get me now. Too bad you guys
probably can't understand me, because I'm sure you'll appreciate
what delicious irony it is that I'm actually safer with you. Oh,
it's just so exquisite!" Matt was laughing so hard tears were
coming from his eyes.
The Bugrom stood there impassively.
The priestesses, who had finally found Matt, ran away (they
might have been mad with desire, but they weren't stupid).
Matt noticed something was odd about these Bugrom, something to
do with the way their antennae swayed in the air then seemed to
point at him. He decided to review what he knew, or could possibly
expect, about the Bugrom.
Fairly classic hive insects. Okay, now, what does this in all
probability mean. Ants, termites, bees, et cetera. What do they
have in common?
The worker drones: female but sterile.
Antennae: usually hold sense of scent, greater than human.
Communication may have a strong scent/pheromone base.
Matt might be many things, but idiot (although he might act
like one from timt-to-time, or even most of the time, really) was
not one of them. He pieced what he knew together and came up with
only one possibility: Old Spice. He was wrong, of course. If
anything, the extremely liberal amounts of Old Spice Matt had
applied to himself actually helped stave off the effect of his
power. Matt's power, you see, was the production of a
"super-pheromone" making him nigh irresistable to the opposite sex.
Hive insects use sense of smell as a component (sometimes
major) in their communication.
These Bugrom were probably female.
Matt blinked.
The Bugrom surged toward him en masse.
Let the screaming begin.
--Part 1 Finis--
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