----- Original Message -----
From: Chester Albert G Casta�eda <gab_ab@edsamail.com.ph>
To: <ffml-bounce@fanfic.com>; FFML <ffml@fanfic.com>
Cc: <keiichi@i-manila.com.ph>
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2000 2:05 PM
Subject: [C&C][GTP] [Spoilers] ficTHoOM TimeRunner Reprise 1
<Blown me away. Different, for one thing. Eva-vague and deep, for
another. Now this is a rewrite! My comments in brackets like so.>
I should have mentioned that this is still in TimeRunner style, only using
my ultra-introspective style, which is seen in my more serious fics, most
notably Yen Town. Which I have to get back to, one of these days.
<It's not too late to owe up to one's mistakes. Now, lessee what's been
going on in this fic...>
Yes, well. I was so comfortable with my easy, free-flowing, dialogue-heavy
style that I forgot I could write another way.
<(sigh) That's more like it. Now this is how a Rei Ayanami is done. I
see you've taken into serious consideration Whimsical's first person
say...very good. Briefer, yet more impactful...it's brevity is the one
giving the brevity. The first person has the simpler, less complicated way
of giving out description. For one thing, it ain't vague...but it ain't
(oh, the damned word) overstated *g* either.>
Actually, when Whimsical mentioned first-person and stuff like that, I was
already halfway done with this version.
---
<snip stroy parts 2 & 3>
<And this is cool. A sort of progression that Rei and Shinji had. Shinji
somewhat grown a spine and Rei learned the joys of running from walking.
In a more profound explanation, both of them learned to grow up as
persons...shown brilliantly in the progression of this reprise. Lemme
see...what was that quote from Ghost in the Shell? Oh yeah...Major
Kusanagi said "When I was a child, my speech, feelings and thinking were
all those of a child, now that I am a man I have no more use for childish
ways...and now I can say these things without help in my own voice." Rei
and Shinji, like the major, has grown up somewhat, gaining insight, a
strength of character, and a new outlook in life...as if this thing that
came between them back in the compatibility tests has helped them both to
grow beyond their own limitations. Strangely, this version of the story
reminds me of the said anime movie...I'll discuss this further in my
afterword. Oh yeah, spoiler alert to those who haven't watched the movie
(which is, BTW, supercool!).>
I've watched Ghost in the Shell. I have the original VHS tape.
<Gee...strangely, this does remind me of Scriviner's work. Well, not
vague to obscurity, but I suppose this came from the overstatement
comments. And it is in third person, so it definitely ain't just some sort
of rewrite anymore. Since it is in the same plot of the earlier reprise
(which was ok, since even Scriviner admitted that he coulda used some of
the ideas in it for himself) it can't be called a rip-off of style. If
anything, it's a return to...sparse. And you just can't get rid of that
icy tombs things either, eh?>
Sparse, huh? Well, that's how I write.
<All in all, very good. The things you've said earlier seemed like you
cleaned out a halfway decent fic, revealing a more neater, overall much
more impactful work. . This version has a lot more impact...featuring
stream of consciousness-like stuff that gave it the new legs to stand.>
That's because unlike the previous work I didn't keep glancing at my
printed copy of the original to see if I was being faithful to it. I wrote
this on the proverbial seat of my pants, and it worked better.
<I've noticed the taking apart of certain parts of the fic. It helps
too...takes away the "Oh, not this scene again...did he do it right?"
Actually, this fic has more of your scenes and less of Scriviner's (so as
detracting the "second-rate Scriviner fic"), having the entire part of the
Asuka Langley Soryu insults, the naked things, etc. summarized in two
sentences. The entire fic focuses a lot more on Rei and Shinji's slow
merging into one consciousness. Which I think, is a good thing, coz most
of your add ins in the reprise are quite on that direction. Putting asuka
in the backburner along with Misato is just as well...in the first person
of both Rei's and Shinji's POV, they both see Asuka as an irritatant
anyways. >
Also, to bring Asuka to the foreground would entail portraying her in
first-person as well, wich would really have not contributed much to what
I was trying to convey.
<So the difference between this reprise and the original is now clearer
here...strangely, it can be found in their parallel. Seems like the same
statements come in quite different...this time the original seems longer,
and the reprise more sparse. Look see:
That's no surprise, really. Scriviner is definitely wordier than I am, and
trying to simulate his wordiness, which works fine for him, simply did not
work in my own writing, as is evidenced by the first reprise.
<Quite nice, actually. Better than the psuedo-sparse you were setting up
before. I think you've quite forgotten something about your "Gratuitous
Self" statement, about not patronizing people. Weeell, you kinda did with
the original reprise (gee, why is it only *now* that I'm getting all this?
<shrug>). Y'see, since people already know what is gonna happen, you
didn't quite need a lengthier rewrite (coupled with the fact that
Scriviner's was vague to obscurity, at least he said so). Sooo this is
better coz this is shorter, and you actually came up with more of your
*own* ideas, thus this reprise (at least even partly so) is now yours,
you've made it yours, and now you've given life to it in your own prose.
The brevity of thoughts gives it better balance than before. Yup...instead
of longer, you've gotten it briefer. That is a good move.>
Actually, the reason why the first reprise turned up the way it did was
because I initially set out to simply improve the dialogue sequences in
the original. But since I wasn't comfortable with the original dialogue
structure to begin with, I suppose it made little sense to just retool it.
So I did away with it.
=====
I am not you two hearts of one mind
but I feel myself through you is it 'I am' or 'we are'?
separate but one and the same and the lines between us blur
distinct but indistinct indistinct yet distinct
and the lines between us blur one and the same but separate
is it 'we are' or 'I am' and through you I feel myself
two hearts of one mind but you are not me
<This part I like...this was what reminded me of Ghost in the Shell.
Them merging to one consciousness thing. Now this is the setup I can take.
Profound, I'll say...>
And I get to bring out the old poetry writing skills, too. Poetry is not
my strong point at all, but I figured it would make an interesting and
effective device here.
=====
... But I draw away.
What was that? I don't know. I don't know.
Ikari looks up at me. He looks confused. Is that what I look like?
<Probably not...but you can try ^^>
She's learning. She's never had to look confused before. ^^;
TBC...
On to the next part of the comments...
=====
w.o.m
TimeRunner's Web Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482.
=====
All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental.
- Kurt Vonnegut