<Blown me away. Different, for one thing. Eva-vague and deep, for another. Now this is a rewrite! My comments in brackets like so.>
I am a writer, humbled. Criticism that truly difficult to swallow is the
kind that I know is true but don't realize consciously. I know I sounded
ungrateful but I am grateful; to those that couched their criticism in
words that felt like slaps across the face, I thank you for waking me from
my complacency. I needed to be reminded where my edge was; I needed to be
forced not to cop-out, like I did with the first version.
<It's not too late to owe up to one's mistakes. Now, lessee what's been going on in this fic...>
It was time for a good shakeup, anyway.
This is best read with a fixed font like Courier New or System.
------
Two Hearts of One Mind - TimeRunner Second Reprise
Based on the original story by Scriviner
A Church of All Worlds / Gratuitous Theater Project
"Rei? How are you doing?"
I don't know. What do you mean?
You expect me to answer but it is long in coming. Why? Why does it
matter how much time I take to reply? Why do human questions need answers?
The need to do these things you ask of me is lost to me. But then, the
need for a need is lost to me as well; I say nothing of it.
The entry plug. It smells strange in here, strange but familiar. A
room filled with someone not myself.
I know whom this place smells like, but I don't know why.
"Rei?"
Even now answers are asked of me. But questions from authority are
like orders; like obedience, answers are expected without further
question.
Major Katsuragi asked a question I don't know the answer to.
And yet I reply: "It smells like Ikari."
<(sigh) That's more like it. Now this is how a Rei Ayanami is done. I see you've taken into serious consideration Whimsical's first person say...very good. Briefer, yet more impactful...it's brevity is the one giving the brevity. The first person has the simpler, less complicated way of giving out description. For one thing, it ain't vague...but it ain't (oh, the damned word) overstated *g* either.>
---
<snip stroy parts 2 & 3>
<And this is cool. A sort of progression that Rei and Shinji had. Shinji somewhat grown a spine and Rei learned the joys of running from walking. In a more profound explanation, both of them learned to grow up as persons...shown brilliantly in the progression of this reprise. Lemme see...what was that quote from Ghost in the Shell? Oh yeah...Major Kusanagi said "When I was a child, my speech, feelings and thinking were all those of a child, now that I am a man I have no more use for childish ways...and now I can say these things without help in my own voice." Rei and Shinji, like the major, has grown up somewhat, gaining insight, a strength of character, and a new outlook in life...as if this thing that came between them back in the compatibility tests has helped them both to grow beyond their own limitations. Strangely, this version of the story reminds me of the said anime movie...I'll discuss this further in my afterword. Oh yeah, spoiler alert to those who haven't watched the movie (which is, BTW, supercool!).>
-----
The doorbell rings, cutting short our efforts to free out dinners
from the frozen back wall of the freezer. I excuse myself and ignore the
protests from Asuka for leaving her to do all the work, and I walk to the
front door.
Expecting Misato, I open the door with a halfhearted greeting.
I say: "Welcome --"
Ayanami stands at the doorway, dressed in her school uniform, an
overnight bag slung over her shoulder.
I weakly finish: "-- Home."
A strange, familiar yet new scent fills my nostrils, and I begin to
close my eyes to make it out, but I turn my gaze to Ayanami's face.
She says something about Misato not coming home tonight, but I'm not
really paying any attention to that.
Her face is wet with sweat, and she's breathing heavily. Has she
been running? I part my lips slightly and breathe through my mouth, and I
can swear that I know the taste of her perspiration, even though I've
never even seen her sweat before...
She finishes and walks past me. She starts repeating what she told
me, and I realize that Asuka is in the room, too.
I return to the kitchen and continue the work of freeing the dinners
from their icy tombs.
<Gee...strangely, this does remind me of Scriviner's work. Well, not vague to obscurity, but I suppose this came from the overstatement comments. And it is in third person, so it definitely ain't just some sort of rewrite anymore. Since it is in the same plot of the earlier reprise (which was ok, since even Scriviner admitted that he coulda used some of the ideas in it for himself) it can't be called a rip-off of style. If anything, it's a return to...sparse. And you just can't get rid of that icy tombs things either, eh?
All in all, very good. The things you've said earlier seemed like you cleaned out a halfway decent fic, revealing a more neater, overall much more impactful work. . This version has a lot more impact...featuring stream of consciousness-like stuff that gave it the new legs to stand.>
The dinners are filling, yet unsatisfying, and the shows on TV are
mesmerizing yet unentertaining. Both prove too much for Asuka's limited
patience, and she retires for the night, leaving Ayanami and me alone, but
not without firing off a few final insults at both 'Wonder Girl' and
myself.
<I've noticed the taking apart of certain parts of the fic. It helps too...takes away the "Oh, not this scene again...did he do it right?" Actually, this fic has more of your scenes and less of Scriviner's (so as detracting the "second-rate Scriviner fic"), having the entire part of the Asuka Langley Soryu insults, the naked things, etc. summarized in two sentences. The entire fic focuses a lot more on Rei and Shinji's slow merging into one consciousness. Which I think, is a good thing, coz most of your add ins in the reprise are quite on that direction. Putting asuka in the backburner along with Misato is just as well...in the first person of both Rei's and Shinji's POV, they both see Asuka as an irritatant anyways. >
I wonder out loud why Asuka got picked to be a pilot, and am
surprised to receive a response:
"Would you have wanted it to be just the two of us?"
The fact that Ayanami replied catches me off-guard almost as much
as the content of the reply, and I mumble something off, something about
having someone easier to get along with, or something like that.
She replies: "Like me?"
My tongue turns into cardboard Salisbury steak in my mouth, and I
can't reply. In my confusion I knock over an empty glass from the table. I
reach over to pick it up, just as she does the same.
Our hands touch...
<So the difference between this reprise and the original is now clearer here...strangely, it can be found in their parallel. Seems like the same statements come in quite different...this time the original seems longer, and the reprise more sparse. Look see:
Shinji muttered, "Sometimes I wish NERV never found her."
Rei asked suddenly, still in her soft voice, "Would you
rather it had been just the two of us?"
He turned to face her, a little surprised not only at how
the question was worded, but that Rei was showing signs of
curiosity at all, "Um... that's not quite what I meant I guess...
I just wish they'd gotten someone more... I don't know... um...
easy to get along with?"
Shinji noted the subtle change in Rei. He was one of a very
short list of people who'd spent any considerable amount of time
with Rei and it was possible for him to read some of her moods,
difficult though it was. Her eyes brightened slightly and the
corners of her mouth almost curled up. She asked in her same
quiet monotone, but Shinji thought he heard a hint of amusement,
"Someone like me?"
"Er..." Shinji had no reply for that. He stretched his arms
out for a moment at the precise moment that Rei did too. He felt
the oddest sensation... it almost felt like the sensations he'd
received when he was inside her Eva and trying to synchronize
with it... the way it felt just before her Eva had gone
berserk...
Quite nice, actually. Better than the psuedo-sparse you were setting up before. I think you've quite forgotten something about your "Gratuitous Self" statement, about not patronizing people. Weeell, you kinda did with the original reprise (gee, why is it only *now* that I'm getting all this? <shrug>). Y'see, since people already know what is gonna happen, you didn't quite need a lengthier rewrite (coupled with the fact that Scriviner's was vague to obscurity, at least he said so). Sooo this is better coz this is shorter, and you actually came up with more of your *own* ideas, thus this reprise (at least even partly so) is now yours, you've made it yours, and now you've given life to it in your own prose. The brevity of thoughts gives it better balance than before. Yup...instead of longer, you've gotten it briefer. That is a good move.>
=====
I am not you two hearts of one mind
but I feel myself through you is it 'I am' or 'we are'?
separate but one and the same and the lines between us blur
distinct but indistinct indistinct yet distinct
and the lines between us blur one and the same but separate
is it 'we are' or 'I am' and through you I feel myself
two hearts of one mind but you are not me
<This part I like...this was what reminded me of Ghost in the Shell. Them merging to one consciousness thing. Now this is the setup I can take. Profound, I'll say...>
=====
... But I draw away.
What was that? I don't know. I don't know.
Ikari looks up at me. He looks confused. Is that what I look like?
<Probably not...but you can try ^^>
<snippity snip snip>
TBC...