Lessee ... we've got your newbie cainites. We've got
a skin-changer in the work too. And let's not forget
the magick-wielder. Excuse me but I was looking for
the UnSeelie, the Wraith, the Pennangalan Kuei-Jin,
the overpowered human, and the revenge-driven Hunter
too. ^_^
Pros. You've got cojones of pure unadulterated steel,
neighbour. To use the World of Angst-dripping
Darkness as a setting (and write a humor fic outta of
it ... but that's another person entirely, ^_^) and
present a story to the FFML (chock-full of Ranma and
EVA fics, sigh). Gutsy. I wish more writers like you
were on the FFML ... willing to give convention the
finger and just post what you want to post ...
Cons. The story made me want to run to the fridge and
grab two fat slabs of bread to go along with the
cheese ... and this cheese ... ummmm ... three words
to sum up how I felt while reading. Not Good Mojo.
Con 2. The story feels trite (if only because I'm
familiar with the White Wolf System ... Monster: The
Depressingly Descriptive Word) to the point I felt
like you were parodying something (are you?). Other
people might have different opinions.
Con 3. Hackneyed. The story is another WoD: The
Angsting. Again, maybe because I'm familiar with your
setting.
Hmmm. Let me try to rephrase my C&C. You write the
story according to the RPG system. It's basically
abilities, powers, and whatnot translated into prose.
Hmmmm. Paraphrase again (this is harder than it
looks, ya know, ^_^). You're letting your knowledge
of the RPG system creep into the story too much.
Goldurnit. Hmmmm. Take three. All those stats ...
all those tables (not much in White Wolf, admittedly)
... take 'em and throw 'em out the window, neighbour.
Forget about all the technical details. How would a
Brujah see Potence? An anarch would revel in the
power, enjoying every moment of it. The Antitribu
would see it as a regrettable last option, and then
tear into his detractors with as much abandon. What
I'm trying to say here is dive into your character's
heads. Don't give the antiseptic male bovine
excrement where rules only get in the way. Get right
in there and let the reader share the thrill of the
Garou ripping the minions of the Wyrm to shreds ...
let the reader feel the pain of immortality, the
tragedy of seeing but not being able to talk to your
loved ones who still live on.
You've chosen a setting full of potential. Forget all
the rules. Let the reader walk with you in the World
of Darkness. ^_^
Whew. The technical details and nit-picking I leave
to other people. I always hated nit-picking anyways
... ^_^
Irreverently yours,
Whimisical
=====
"If all the idiots in the world died right now, the world
as we know it would be a far duller place to live in..."
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