:This is the revised version of "The Waste Land."
S'bout time. De gozaru yo. ^_^x
IN GENERAL:
As usual, you're looking good with that same
writing flair I always see in your short
stories. The dsecriptiveness of your style
helps set the mood for the fic, and helps
the reader envision the story.
As usual, grammatical errors are few and
far between, (I would expect nothing less
from an English major!) and in fact I don't
think I spotted any. My only real technical
gripe is the formatting -- I wish more of the
fic were divided into paragraphs, to make
the separation of ideas more distinct. (Thus
making the fic easier to read, but you knew
that, didn't you? :)
: "Aomori," the boy murmured. "I wonder if it's still
:inhabited. . ." He withdrew a necklack from under his shirt
:and stared at the small cross suspended from it. "And if it
:is, will the people be willing to listen? Will they--can
:they--understand?" And as Shinji spoke, his face became
---<snip>---
Shinji's monologues with himself, while not
uncommon in anime, are especially important
here. With all the strange concepts I'm sure
you will be introducing in the next chapters,
(heheh) Shinji's soliloquys really seem to
serve the double purpose of showing his
emotional state AND hinting at a mystery
which is yet to be revealed.
: With renewed determination, Shinji began to walk
:down the hill.
With the detail you put in, I felt like I was
walking down the hill with him!
: And that was his last conscious thought before
:darkness engulfed him.
Although we can infer what happened here from
later on, at first I thought Shinji blacked
out from a failing of his endurance. ^_^
: A roach skittered past his nose. Shinji stared at it
:in morbid fascination, his eyes transfixed to the wandering
:insect. In the one, thin shaft of light that penetrated the
:gloom, he could see the delicate, waving feelers, the slender
:serrated legs and the curious hard casing of its body. In the
:many hours that Shinji had lain prostrate upon the dusty floor,
:the roach was the only object that he could distinguish in the
:deep obscurity of his prison. The insect soon scuttled out
:of sight and Shinji was left alone once more.
I dunno why. I like this paragraph. The way you
describe the roach just makes the hairs on my
arms tingle. I think I have a fixation for
cockroaches. ;P
: "Another unfamiliar ceiling," Shinji murmured as he
:looked into the murky, unfathomable shadows above him. A wry
:smile came to his lips at this nonsensical thought; it was a
:silly, senseless statement--an old phrase he had often said
:long ago--but he used it nonetheless. The smile soon faded,
:however, and his young features assumed its wonted sad and
:weary aspect.
Nice use of series terminology. Have to agree
with you, though. It was a silly, nonsensical
statement. Just as most of Eva is. ^_^
:tangible signs of his presence. The warder
:quickly cut through the ropes around his ankles. Shinji fell
Warder? Wow, I haven't heard that word used in
such a manner in so long. Zutto shibaraku de gozaru!
It's so refreshing to think of warder not in the
sense of some bastard drag-out writer who's
probably going to die of old-age before he
finishes his work...
: "Here," the warder commanded as he pushed Shinji into
:a room. "Master Yukishiro will see you."
Yeah, Enishi rules this place! ^_^x
: The boy did not struggle long Yukishiro thought as
:his eyes swept over the boy.
Wow! A technical error! I didn't think such a
thing existed in a fic such as this. I think
you need a comma somewhere in that sentence.
:It was an impossibly old look for such a child. Yet there
:was something in his face that drew one to him--but it was
:not pity.
Hmm... style nit-pick. I think it should be "and it was
not pity" instead of "but it was..." Since the way Enishi,
I mean Yukishiro was thinking of Shinji before that
statement was somewhat of a high regard, it makes
sense that the final statement is not a "contrast"
(as marked by "but") but rather a climactic progression
of thoughts topped by "and."
: "Ano. . ." Shinji began.
Did you know that in Tagalog "Ano" means
"Nani?" ^_^
: Shinji's eyes were flat and the lines of his
:mouth were taut. It was the face of an executioner or a
:saint--cold, dispassionate, severe, resolute. "No."
: Suddenly, an overwhelming fury possessed Yukishiro.
:A wild shriek burst from his lips. "You!!! You!!!
:You--"
Wow! What a cliffhanger, and it's only the first
episode! For someone who said she doesn't like
hooks, you sure put a nice sharp one for us
readers. Good thing I have a good idea of what
you're up to, or I might be banging my head
in frustration. ^_^
----------------------------------------------------------
:AUTHOR'S NOTES: First and foremost, I want to give my
:heartfelt thanks to my friends and fellow fanfic writers,
:Allyn Yonge and Brian Payne for their insightful advice,
:unending patience and encouragement: without them, the
:quality of my works would have indeed been poorer and
:my will to write would have died out. ^_^ You guys are
:one in a million (or should I say two?)!
Yeah, I think your good friend Brian must have
caught all the typos in this piece before you
re-released it, heheheh.
: This idea was generated by the brilliant Jitou
:(another good friend and fellow fanfic author). He
:pitched this idea to the FFML a year ago and I was the
:crazy one who took him up on the offer. ^_^ Another
:word of thanks must go to him; not only for being the
:creative source of this work, but for being such a help
:to me as well! ^_^
Yay! Someone appreciates me! ^_^
Overall, some good work here. This chapter
is almost as polished as it will get, I think.
Now if only you could write more faster...
How's the Korea field trip going? They must
still be working your butt sore over there,
since you haven't been getting much "REAL"
work done lately. ^_^
See ya later!