<snip>
<Typical Asuka-Shinji thing. I doubt any author could help from going around that or removing it witout the readers saying "GAWD! OOC! NON-CANON!" and all such stuff. I just cannot put anything new to comment about that, plotwise...it's canon, great <shrugs>. Another thing that is quite unfortunate about this reprise...you picked it for convenience rather than liking. I read something in the ffml about people needing to be non-fanatic to make great fics. Sure...go for that. So we don't have super-character that is so common to fanatic and SI writers. But, it is also a given that a guy should be involved somewhat in their work...enjoying what you do is being involved, so even if you're not a fan, if you love writing, you'll still make a helluva fic, chances are. Anyways, there's no telling what or how to make a good fic. Let's get back to what we're talikng about...you didn't seem too involve...it's like a teacher checking a paper and making corrections. I have the impression that you've been distancing yourself somewhat to make a good fic out of this. Well, it may or may not work. From what I see, your Skuld and Keiichi are far more interesting because of your involvement (to some degree) to them than the rather aesthetic thing you have with Shinji and Asuka. IMO, they feel like story summaries (e-heh...only because it's so canon...if anything, there may not be a problem here anyways.).>
"This isn't working."
"Shut up!" Asuka snapped.
Both of them were perched on a chair and were leaning into the
open freezer, chipping away at the icy tomb containing the last two TV
dinners.
"Put your back into it, Shinji!"
"I'm doing my best, okay? Look, maybe we could use a blow dryer
or something."
"What kind of stupid idea is that?"
"Well, do you have any better ideas?"
"Yes! Chip harder!"
"Why don't you chip as hard as you whine, Miss Soryu? Maybe then
we'd get somewhere!"
<I know some has told me that I shouldn't be so rigid with OOC and canon (gee, seems like I've been overusing the words eversince I knew what they mean), but, heck...when is Shinji gonna cringe and retract to his shell? Why'd he suddenly get a spine? Is all this on your reprise or all based on Scriviners? Gomene...this is from what little I watched from Eva in Ch. 2. Ignore this if you feel this as...well, unnecessary.>
Shinji heaved another sigh as he entered the kitchen. Melted ice
and puddles of brownish water were all over the floor, and the instant
dinners showed no sign of leaving their frozen imprisonment. He looked
at the makeshift steak knife chisels lying on the counter and cringed
at the gloomy prospect of going back to work in the permafrost mines.
<Gee, is this the smart alecky thing the earlier C&C ppl said about your fic? Guess it's in comparison with Scriviner's...can't avoid that. <shrugs> To me, it's fine. Sue me, it's kinda funny too ^^. Witty to me, smart alecky to them...hey, I like "Just Shoot Me", probably deemed as the most smart-alecky thing since the Groucho Marx shows. I like those too.>
<snip>
"I can't believe this. Are you two flirting?" Asuka exclaimed,
shattering his reverie.
When did Asuka enter the room? Had she been watching all this
time? "What... what are you talking about?" Shinji said.
Asuka snorted. "Be careful, Ayanami. Next thing you know, he'll
be ripping your clothes off."
Ayanami blinked. "Why would he want to do that?"
"What rock have you been hiding under, girl?" Asuka said,
incredulous. "To see your naked body, of course!"
"What are you saying?" Shinji cried. "Stop that!"
"I can't see why," Ayanami said in her calm voice. "He's already
seen me naked before."
"What?" Asuka gasped, scandalized. "You... pervert!" She grabbed
the nearest thing she could find (which was fortunately a throw
pillow) and began bludgeoning Shinji with it. "You lech! Peeping-tom!
Pervert!"
"It - was - an - accident!" Shinji pleaded in-between blows to
the head.
"A likely story! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!"
"Why?" Ayanami asked quietly.
"What do you mean why? Don't you even feel violated that this
filthy-minded pervert saw you naked?"
"No. It wasn't his fault. He lost his balance and fell on me."
"He fell on you while you were naked?"
"I've had enough! We already told you it was an accident!"
Shinji shouted. "Besides, it's none of your business if we were naked
together or not!"
<Akward, neh? ^^ The whole part which I liked the most in the whole fic, and mostly thanks to either a.) You're witty reprise or b.) Scriviner's great plot. Either way, I liked it as it is in your prose.>
She had dressed down to her bra and panties.
Shinji swiftly turned his gaze to the nearest convenient blank
wall. "Um... what... what are you doing?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, why are you down to your b-bra and p-panties?"
They heard a thud from Asuka's room, but neither was inclined to
investigate further.
"I'm undressing to sleep. Your room?" Ayanami asked.
"My what? Room? Oh, right! My... room... It's the right door...
uh... down the hall... third... um..."
<Yeah...the shy boy and the bare girl...I guess the reason I like this scene is because I can relate to Shinji-kun's shyness. Yes, the intricate patterns of cracks on the walls and anything else close can be quite interesting at times ^^.>
Melody.
Melody, bass.
Melody, bass, counter-melody.
Melody, bass, counter-melody, counter-bass.
<Likes this too...nice style.>
<snip>
<I guess this's the WAFFy part. Heck, it's corny and cheesy...or touching, considering that Ikari-kun has finally found a significant other. Perhaps a bit sudden, considering...I rather like the development of any love pair...still, it's "aaaaaawwwwww" all the way. Not necessary a bad thing, really.
The plot (which I suppose, we have Scriviner to thank) is typical Eva-vague and deep. Rei and Shinji smeeling each other like drug-crazed addicts come into a level of their relationship that goes beyond feeling and stuff like that. I like those kind of deep level situations...those mind-screwing stuff that dares you to express things that are usually unexpressable in any words of the English language. Maybe that's the reason I see beyond the WAFF thing...the other-level consciousness-bond gained by Shinji and Rei. Cool. >
- end -
=====
w.o.m.
TimeRunner's Web Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
=====
"A little naive? Was that what you were going to say? A little naive?"
"I was going to say a little clueless, but yeah, that about covers it."
- Skuld and Keiichi, "What Wish?"
<Ja!
C. Casta�eda>