----- Original Message -----
From: Chester Albert G Casta�eda <gab_ab@edsamail.com.ph>
To: <ffml-bounce@fanfic.com>; FFML <ffml@fanfic.com>
Cc: <keiichi@i-manila.com.ph>
Sent: Sunday, April 30, 2000 6:44 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: Subject: [fic]Two Hearts of One Mind, Part 1
<I must remind you first that I have absolutely no idea of Scriviner's
version (I haven't the copy...so I'm asking in this email for a copy, if it
ain't tooo much trouble) so all the C&C here are pure and unadultarated C&C,
as if the fic was read anew. I'll be giving out more *proper* C&C once I get
a copy of Scriviner's and make the comparisons.>
Well, a fresh read is good, although I think you should have begun with
Scriv's version. I think bias is based on the version first read (but then,
that's unavoidable).
<Ok...since I have no point of comparison in Scriviner's work, I'll just
go with your own work. Clinical, almost rigid...I suppose this would be
Rei's POV (lacking of feeling...rather robotic and...er...Rei-like). The
deepness of the words seemed to grasp at the meaning Rei was looking for in
her present state. She can't communicate it verbally...what she doesn't
understand she can merely extrapolate upon. "I felt something, I don't know
what it is...but it's pretty deep, I think." sums up the experience. I
suppose you're setting up the vagueness of the feeling, so the
descriptiveness of the POV (or rather, the lack thereof) in all it's
vagueness is rather...unsettling. You were going for this effect? Oh
yeah...another thing...the wording and stuff rather adds instead of enhances
the vagueness. You have proper grammmar with "grade four" standards, you
say...but right now, it seems you have higher standard wordings that
seem...well, boring to me. Boring and vague. But I guess that's what Rei
really is with her POV ^^>
Yes, and this type of viewpoint lasts up until only this point, which is why
this is a setup for the 'giggly Rei' that everyone seems to dislike later
on.
"Rei?"
Did Ikari-kun experience these things every time he synchronized
with this EVA? This was the Unit 01, after all; normally she would be
assigned to the Unit 00, but this was to be some 'mutual
compatibility' test of some sort; presumably it was to determine if
she and he were interchangeable as pilots for their respective mecha.
<Ummm....you mentioned it already in your last post and I agree
wholeheartedly...where's the sparse prose? At this point, I was thinking
"Hmmm...gee, so many words...I'm gettin' dizzy." It has the complexity of
your previous works, but not the complex sparsity (there's such a word?). I
guess you could elaborate less, since this is Rei we're talking about...most
her thoughts and feelings seems like a collection of Haiku.>
I guess. Take note, however, that the source material is Scriviner's work,
so naturally, writing this after reading his work tends to influence the
work indirectly.
Was this how Ikari-kun felt as he piloted this thing? Was that
what she wanted to say?
"Rei, are you okay?"
"Yes," she finally replied, although the incompleteness of her
statement bothered her. It didn't seem right. No, that's not what she
meant; it didn't seem enough.
<Very good. Seems like the effect you were going for the POV was for the
reader as for Rei. You got me as unsettled as she is...only I don't feel
what she's feeling while she is beside with herself with the feeling, only
she can't elaborate on the feeling. If anything, it's
foreshadowing...keeping the reader in the dark with little hints until you
drop the bomb.>
Unfortunately, because this little bit does not exist in the original fic,
other readers seem to have taken this part as redundant; tacked of like an
afterthought or something like that. I placed this here because the markedly
different version of the ending needed setup. Apparently it wasn't enough.
"We're going to switch over to second stage synchronization,"
Major Katsuragi's said, her voice directly inputted into Rei via the
neural linkages to her inner ear. "Are you ready?"
"Yes."
<Curious...I know this is a reprise...but I just want to know if you used
the same dialogue, only different naration? If not, it's Ok...it is *your*
reprise, anyways...>
No. I rewrote nearly everything, which is probably why people with knowledge
of the original tend to dislike this version. I guess it's like coloring a
black and white movie.
Suddenly the sensations came to Rei in a single flash, a single
jolt; and while her body was completely calm her mind struggled to
translate what she meant into speech, and she mentally latched onto
the nearest analog she could find...
"It... it smells like Ikari-kun."
<Here it is...the quiet, yet deep Rei, whose speech is inversely
proportionate to the various images and visages in her mind. Nearly robotic,
yet merely an infant in understanding emotions and deeper stuff.>
Yes, most of the first section was simply to setup that line, as well as the
marked change in her later on. The problem is that in the original, Rei's
disposition toward Shinji is kept completely in the dark until the line 'We
are probably the two closest people on the planet ... we have seen the world
through each other's eyes'.
This, perhaps the line most people like from the original, deeply bothers
me. I felt it lacked subtlety. Unfortunately, people have differing opinions
on what subtle is, and thus my version is generally accepted as the
'overstated' one.
<snip>
<Ok. I won't bother using worthless space there...let me just say there is
the infinite pattern of writing you have that just demands to be given
attention. I have admitted one of the reasons why there are snippages all
throughout most my C&C's to you...it's because I'd be repeating myself. You
do wonderful prose. You use character POV's, even with outside narrator
description. You can capture a character's heart and soul in the very
situation and environment their in, as if the character's themselves are
telling the story without reverting to restrictive first-person, so as
creating a jump to POV every scene. The Shinji scenes are all pure Shinji. I
was more specific during the Rei scenes because the scenes themselves kinda
got me off balance...as well as I'm not sure if such deep descriptions
should be warranted, granted that it was Rei's POV. In Shinji's, it kinda
felt that he himself is giving out descriptions...in Rei, it was the
tired-old narrator expressing almost cold and clinically how cold and
clinical Rei is about describing what she felt which was al-too far from
being cold and clinical...all leading to confusion. Gee, did that make
sense? Anyways, that is the reason for the specifics on the Ayanami scenes.>
That does make sense. Perhaps a less wordy exposition for Rei would suffice,
and maybe even be more effective.
Now, for the idea that popped out in my mind. You have been using an
effective, versatile style in your writing that is almost as clear as a
signature saying that "Hey, TimeRunner wrote this!" Indeed. A style like
Kempo or any other martial arts. Martial Arts patterned after style after
style. After a martial artist has extensively studied a martial art: kata
for kata, stance for stance, form for form...if he has truly mastered it and
bested it in every way...well, then he literally defeated himself. If all he
can do, even if he does it best, is his martial art style, then he is
restricted within himself. Same is true with anything else in real
life...one shouldn't be restricted within oneself, one must grow in order to
improve. So, in order to grow, one must never be the best. Or something like
that. You have great prose. It falls into a pattern. It can continually wow
people, but as a guy who gets bored easy, wouldn't you ask yourself "Gee,
what now?" It's one thing to>
Actually, the main problem lies in the fact that my style lacks the
vagueness that seemed most important the the fans of the original. I felt
that the ending had too little buildup in the original -- but in building up
something that the old readers already know is going to happen, many feel
I've overstated. And overstatement is something I keep trying to avoid,
unless it's to obscure another point.
stick to your guns...it's another to let your own assets be your own
undoing. Like my preread author and friend Jose Argao has been trying to
do...he does a hell of a good comedy, but he is also focusing on drama and
reprise of stuff going on in the net. He shrugs and tells me that he needs
to broaden his horizons. His own forte...comedy...his own undoing? Sad but
true. No one wants to be stuck anywhere if they could be better...even if
they're the best. Now, you might be reading yourself nd asking "What's the
point in all of this?" To be frank, I anticipated most of the things in this
fic. You're writing style, pure and unadultarated, has come to a sort of
predictability. Gee, and I was expecting to be just another guy telling you
what others told about your reprise being WAFF and stuff. Hey, I kinda like
WAFF. But I don't see this as a major thing about the fic I don't quite
like. It's the "Oh, it's a TimeRunner fic." thing. Pattern and
predictability...I know it is, I like one of his WAFFy fics, he can be a
smart alecky at times with his stuff, yet still very enjoyable fics. But
then I get treated practically the same thing...I want something new and
different. Even with the fact that this is a reprise, it still falls into
"TimeRunner" fic. The things I enjoy is also the thing I expect. Of course,
from this point on, it's IMO. I like things with variety, something new. Not
necessarily gimmicky, but still something that'll get me excited about. So I
like "La Viuda De Blanco" as the only telenovella shown here in the
Phillippines only because it's so utterly unpredictable and pleasantly
different from the horde. So, TimeRunner, I won't criticize you for your
grammar, I won't criticize you for your prose, I won't even criticize you
for the many different fic formats you've treated with your great style. I'm
gonna comment on the fact that you do these things so well that your
restricting yourself. And no, I don't say that with any sarcasm.>
Thank you for that.
Damn. This is what I get for not posting 'Yen Town' in such a long, long
time. Part Six was nearly done, but no, I had to go and redo it. ^^;
Jeez, now that was long ^^>
TBC....
All right. I'm going to save the rest of my remarks for later.
=====
w.o.m.
TimeRunner's Web Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
=====
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