No can do? Ok...again, again, again
Gomen for the spam ^^;
My comments in <>
<I must remind you first that I have absolutely no idea of Scriviner's version (I haven't the copy...so I'm asking in this email for a copy, if it ain't tooo much trouble) so all the C&C here are pure and unadultarated C&C, as if the fic was read anew. I'll be giving out more *proper* C&C once I get a copy of Scriviner's and make the comparisons.>
Author's notes:
I picked up this fanfic to work on because a) it's EVA, b) it's a non-fusion
fic by Scriviner (oh rare gem), c) it's originally in author omniscient
(which I've retooled to third-person viewpoint) and d) it's relatively
short.
That said, I hope this version can live up to the legacy of the original. As
usual, C&C is always welcome.
Enjoy!
=====
Two Hearts of One Mind - TimeRunner Reprise
based on the original story by Scriviner
A Church of All Worlds / Gratuitous Theater Project
"Rei, how are you doing?"
Ayanami Rei settled in the entry plug, keeping silent as she
tried to make sense of the feedback she was receiving from the EVA-01.
Commander Katsuragi had just asked her a question through the local
comm link, and while she realized that a prompt reply was expected of
her, she actually had little idea of how exactly to verbally convey
the sensations she was receiving.
Were there words for these things, these images, these
sensations seeping into her as the synchronization pulse increased in
intensity? Was what she was experiencing at that moment within the
scope of human language? Of human concept?
<Ok...since I have no point of comparison in Scriviner's work, I'll just go with your own work. Clinical, almost rigid...I suppose this would be Rei's POV (lacking of feeling...rather robotic and...er...Rei-like). The deepness of the words seemed to grasp at the meaning Rei was looking for in her present state. She can't communicate it verbally...what she doesn't understand she can merely extrapolate upon. "I felt something, I don't know what it is...but it's pretty deep, I think." sums up the experience. I suppose you're setting up the vagueness of the feeling, so the descriptiveness of the POV (or rather, the lack thereof) in all it's vagueness is rather...unsettling. You were going for this effect? Oh yeah...another thing...the wording and stuff rather adds instead of enhances the vagueness. You have proper grammmar with "grade four" standards, you say...but right now, it seems you have higher standard wordings that seem...well, boring to me. Boring and vague. But I guess that's what Rei really is with her POV ^^>
"Rei?"
Did Ikari-kun experience these things every time he synchronized
with this EVA? This was the Unit 01, after all; normally she would be
assigned to the Unit 00, but this was to be some 'mutual
compatibility' test of some sort; presumably it was to determine if
she and he were interchangeable as pilots for their respective mecha.
<Ummm....you mentioned it already in your last post and I agree wholeheartedly...where's the sparse prose? At this point, I was thinking "Hmmm...gee, so many words...I'm gettin' dizzy." It has the complexity of your previous works, but not the complex sparsity (there's such a word?). I guess you could elaborate less, since this is Rei we're talking about...most her thoughts and feelings seems like a collection of Haiku.>
Was this how Ikari-kun felt as he piloted this thing? Was that
what she wanted to say?
"Rei, are you okay?"
"Yes," she finally replied, although the incompleteness of her
statement bothered her. It didn't seem right. No, that's not what she
meant; it didn't seem enough.
<Very good. Seems like the effect you were going for the POV was for the reader as for Rei. You got me as unsettled as she is...only I don't feel what she's feeling while she is beside with herself with the feeling, only she can't elaborate on the feeling. If anything, it's foreshadowing...keeping the reader in the dark with little hints until you drop the bomb.>
"We're going to switch over to second stage synchronization,"
Major Katsuragi's said, her voice directly inputted into Rei via the
neural linkages to her inner ear. "Are you ready?"
"Yes."
<Curious...I know this is a reprise...but I just want to know if you used the same dialogue, only different naration? If not, it's Ok...it is *your* reprise, anyways...>
Suddenly the sensations came to Rei in a single flash, a single
jolt; and while her body was completely calm her mind struggled to
translate what she meant into speech, and she mentally latched onto
the nearest analog she could find...
"It... it smells like Ikari-kun."
<Here it is...the quiet, yet deep Rei, whose speech is inversely proportionate to the various images and visages in her mind. Nearly robotic, yet merely an infant in understanding emotions and deeper stuff.>
<snip>
<Ok. I won't bother using worthless space there...let me just say there is the infinite pattern of writing you have that just demands to be given attention. I have admitted one of the reasons why there are snippages all throughout most my C&C's to you...it's because I'd be repeating myself. You do wonderful prose. You use character POV's, even with outside narrator description. You can capture a character's heart and soul in the very situation and environment their in, as if the character's themselves are telling the story without reverting to restrictive first-person, so as creating a jump to POV every scene. The Shinji scenes are all pure Shinji. I was more specific during the Rei scenes because the scenes themselves kinda got me off balance...as well as I'm not sure if such deep descriptions should be warranted, granted that it was Rei's POV. In Shinji's, it kinda felt that he himself is giving out descriptions...in Rei, it was the tired-old narrator expressing almost cold and clinically how cold and clinical Rei is about describing what she felt which was al-too far from being cold and clinical...all leading to confusion. Gee, did that make sense? Anyways, that is the reason for the specifics on the Ayanami scenes.
Now, for the idea that popped out in my mind. You have been using an effective, versatile style in your writing that is almost as clear as a signature saying that "Hey, TimeRunner wrote this!" Indeed. A style like Kempo or any other martial arts. Martial Arts patterned after style after style. After a martial artist has extensively studied a martial art: kata for kata, stance for stance, form for form...if he has truly mastered it and bested it in every way...well, then he literally defeated himself. If all he can do, even if he does it best, is his martial art style, then he is restricted within himself. Same is true with anything else in real life...one shouldn't be restricted within oneself, one must grow in order to improve. So, in order to grow, one must never be the best. Or something like that. You have great prose. It falls into a pattern. It can continually wow people, but as a guy who gets bored easy, wouldn't you ask yourself "Gee, what now?" It's one thing to stick to your guns...it's another to let your own assets be your own undoing. Like my preread author and friend Jose Argao has been trying to do...he does a hell of a good comedy, but he is also focusing on drama and reprise of stuff going on in the net. He shrugs and tells me that he needs to broaden his horizons. His own forte...comedy...his own undoing? Sad but true. No one wants to be stuck anywhere if they could be better...even if they're the best. Now, you might be reading yourself nd asking "What's the point in all of this?" To be frank, I anticipated most of the things in this fic. You're writing style, pure and unadultarated, has come to a sort of predictability. Gee, and I was expecting to be just another guy telling you what others told about your reprise being WAFF and stuff. Hey, I kinda like WAFF. But I don't see this as a major thing about the fic I don't quite like. It's the "Oh, it's a TimeRunner fic." thing. Pattern and predictability...I know it is, I like one of his WAFFy fics, he can be a smart alecky at times with his stuff, yet still very enjoyable fics. But then I get treated practically the same thing...I want something new and different. Even with the fact that this is a reprise, it still falls into "TimeRunner" fic. The things I enjoy is also the thing I expect. Of course, from this point on, it's IMO. I like things with variety, something new. Not necessarily gimmicky, but still something that'll get me excited about. So I like "La Viuda De Blanco" as the only telenovella shown here in the Phillippines only because it's so utterly unpredictable and pleasantly different from the horde. So, TimeRunner, I won't criticize you for your grammar, I won't criticize you for your prose, I won't even criticize you for the many different fic formats you've treated with your great style. I'm gonna comment on the fact that you do these things so well that your restricting yourself. And no, I don't say that with any sarcasm.
Jeez, now that was long ^^>
TBC....