----- Original Message -----
From: Chester Albert G Casta�eda <gab_ab@edsamail.com.ph>
To: FFML <ffml@fanfic.com>
Cc: <keiichi@i-manila.com.ph>
Sent: Sunday, April 30, 2000 6:47 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: Subject: [fic]Two Hearts of One Mind, Part 2
<snip>
<Typical Asuka-Shinji thing. I doubt any author could help from going
around that or removing it witout the readers saying "GAWD! OOC! NON-CANON!"
and all such stuff. I just cannot put anything new to comment about that,
plotwise...it's canon, great <shrugs>.
True. The trouble with rewriting something is that there's very little you
can do without offending the fans of the original, and apparently from the
amount of negative comments I've received I'd overstepped my bounds as a
rewriter. ^^;
Another thing that is quite unfortunate about this reprise...you picked it
for convenience rather than liking. I read something in the ffml about
people needing to be non-fanatic to make great fics. Sure...go for that. So
we don't have super-character that is so common to fanatic and SI writers.
But, it is also a given that a guy should be involved somewhat in their
work...enjoying what you do is being involved, so even if you're not a fan,
if you love writing, you'll still make a helluva fic, chances are. Anyways,
there's no telling what or how to make a good fic. Let's get back to what
we're talikng about...you didn't seem too involve...it's like a teacher
checking a paper and making corrections. I have the impression that you've
been distancing yourself somewhat to make a good fic out of this. Well, it
may or may not>
*sigh* I had to do it. More than anything else, I was afraid that I was
following the original too closely. A lot of the 'OOC' scenes came out from
a need to distance this version from Scriviner's. I succeeded, all right.
People love the original, hate the reprise. What more distance could I want?
work. From what I see, your Skuld and Keiichi are far more interesting
because of your involvement (to some degree) to them than the rather
aesthetic thing you have with Shinji and Asuka. IMO, they feel like story
summaries (e-heh...only because it's so canon...if anything, there may not
be a problem here anyways.).>
People expect and want canon in their EVA fics unless you spell it out up
front that it isn't. It's natural. It was my mistake that I didn't state
outright that Rei and Shinji got muddled up inside, I guess. Chalk it up to
experience. People want you to say more, it seems, and my writing professors
told me these things, and a lot the C&C I've received are telling me these
things.
Maybe I should start listening. Say more, imply less.
"Yes! Chip harder!"
"Why don't you chip as hard as you whine, Miss Soryu? Maybe then
we'd get somewhere!"
<I know some has told me that I shouldn't be so rigid with OOC and canon
(gee, seems like I've been overusing the words eversince I knew what they
mean), but, heck...when is Shinji gonna cringe and retract to his shell?
Why'd he suddenly get a spine? Is all this on your reprise or all based on
Scriviners? Gomene...this is from what little I watched from Eva in Ch. 2.
Ignore this if you feel this as...well, unnecessary.>
In Scriviner's version, Shinji does argue back, but not to this extent. I
really meant to emphasize that aspect, because it implies (there's that
dirty word again) some sort of personality change. I suppose I didn't set it
up enough, because it seems to get simply dismissed as OOC.
Shinji heaved another sigh as he entered the kitchen. Melted ice
and puddles of brownish water were all over the floor, and the instant
dinners showed no sign of leaving their frozen imprisonment. He looked
at the makeshift steak knife chisels lying on the counter and cringed
at the gloomy prospect of going back to work in the permafrost mines.
<Gee, is this the smart alecky thing the earlier C&C ppl said about your
fic? Guess it's in comparison with Scriviner's...can't avoid that. <shrugs>
To me, it's fine. Sue me, it's kinda funny too ^^. Witty to me, smart alecky
to them...hey, I like "Just Shoot Me", probably deemed as the most
smart-alecky thing since the Groucho Marx shows. I like those too.>
I think this is the 'smart-alecky' that Whimsical referred to, indeed. That,
and the snideness Shinji picked up after his 'mutual compatibility' mishap.
Which is OOC, by the way.
<snip>
"He fell on you while you were naked?"
"I've had enough! We already told you it was an accident!"
Shinji shouted. "Besides, it's none of your business if we were naked
together or not!"
<Akward, neh? ^^ The whole part which I liked the most in the whole fic,
and mostly thanks to either a.) You're witty reprise or b.) Scriviner's
great plot. Either way, I liked it as it is in your prose.>
Yes. A line resembling it was in Scriviner's fic. I simply reworded it for
clarity -- an unwelcome concept in a fic prized for its vagueness,
unfortunately.
"I'm undressing to sleep. Your room?" Ayanami asked.
"My what? Room? Oh, right! My... room... It's the right door...
uh... down the hall... third... um..."
<Yeah...the shy boy and the bare girl...I guess the reason I like this
scene is because I can relate to Shinji-kun's shyness. Yes, the intricate
patterns of cracks on the walls and anything else close can be quite
interesting at times ^^.>
Yes, if one forces them to be. This is Shinji and Rei, by the way, fighting
their last struggle to keep their former selves before the walls between
them are completely broken down.
But maybe I should have spelled that out, too.
Melody.
Melody, bass.
Melody, bass, counter-melody.
Melody, bass, counter-melody, counter-bass.
<Likes this too...nice style.>
Other people think it's a cheap literary device, but, well, you can't please
everybody.
<snip>
<I guess this's the WAFFy part. Heck, it's corny and cheesy...or touching,
considering that Ikari-kun has finally found a significant other. Perhaps a
bit sudden, considering...I rather like the development of any love
pair...still, it's "aaaaaawwwwww" all the way. Not necessary a bad thing,
really.>
It's corny and cheesy because they're having fun without much conflict, at
least as far as I can gather from collected comments. It was my fault, I
suppose; I spaced out the conflict over several layers throughout the story
instead of simply resolving it in the final scene, as in the original.
The plot (which I suppose, we have Scriviner to thank) is typical
Eva-vague and deep. Rei and Shinji smeeling each other like drug-crazed
addicts come into a level of their relationship that goes beyond feeling and
stuff like that. I like those kind of deep level situations...those
mind-screwing stuff that dares you to express things that are usually
unexpressable in any words of the English language. Maybe that's the reason
I see beyond the WAFF thing...the other-level consciousness-bond gained by
Shinji and Rei. Cool. >
To tell the truth, the 'smell' bits were not in the original. They were from
the actual episode containing the 'mutual compatibility' experiment.
And yes, yes, YES -- the point of the reprise was to contrast the
'closeness' gained by Shinji and Asuka from living together and having to
perform that coordinated attack with the actual blurring of the line between
Shinji and Rei. Should I have spelled this out?
Though subtle, the difference between the focus of the original and this
version is quite vast, because there would have been little point to simply
rewording the original, which did its omnescient character sketch angle
quite capably. I removed much of the vagueness the original possessed
because I chose to restrict each scene to specific viewpoints, which
deprived the longtime reader of the luxury Scriviner's version possessed --
the ability to take each ephemeral thought every character gave off and
piece them together. Instead, I forced the characters to resolve it on their
own terms, and took away much of the intangibility of the original, leaving
only a sappy, corny, cheesy, OOC, unsubtle, and cheapened version, at least
as far as I've been told.
Now I'm doubting my writing ability again. I suppose I needed a shakeup
anyway.
And if you're curious, I enjoyed writing the fic.
- end -
Thanks for the kind comments. It's always nice to hear from you.
=====
w.o.m.
TimeRunner's Web Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
=====
"A little naive? Was that what you were going to say? A little naive?"
"I was going to say a little clueless, but yeah, that about covers it."
- Skuld and Keiichi, "What Wish?"