Subject: [FFML] [C&C][EVA] Cranky Evafic Comments 23-29 Apr 2000
From: "E.L. Toh" <teloong@cwcom.net>
Date: 4/30/2000, 8:57 AM
To: ffml@fanfic.com
CC: marurku.ferrer@sympatico.ca, hitomi@ndirect.co.uk, keiichi@i-manila.com.ph, platypus3333@yahoo.com, yaanathn@hotmail.com, jmele@brandeis.edu

CEC strikes again!
An Eva fanfic writer's occupational hazard!
Warning: Massive Spoilers for fics c&c:ed

The Wish (Parts 1 and 2)
by Mark Ferrer <marurku.ferrer@sympatico.ca>

A fic influenced by the Tom Hanks movie, 'Big'. Shinji goes to a
funfair and makes a wish (hence the title) at one of the machines.
He awakens as a grown man. 

The premise is interesting and there is nice juicy tension between
Shinji and Misato and Asuka as a result of his change. I like this
a lot but have two criticisms. The first is a point about a 
punctuation error which occurs throughout the fic. 

     "A little low-tech fun alright." said Misato, glad to have
someone on her side.

methinks it should be a comma just before the closing quotation
marks i.e. "A little low-tech fun alright," said Misato... 
 
The second is about Shinji's characterisation. He seems to be
adjusting a little too easily. And there are times when his
speech patterns don't really sound convincingly Shinji:

     "I don't really know." <I think.> "Now that I look back on it, I
should have wished for something else but," Shinji tried to better put
his feelings into words, "that one wish came out over the others. Maybe
it was a subconscious wish. Different parts of me wanting the same thing
but something had more of a pull than the others and I made my wish."

I dunno but it sounds more like something out of a pop psychobabble
self-help book than a confused and uncertain (mental) teenaged boy.

Other than that, this is fairly good stuff and am looking forward 
to more of this fic.


Contemplations III
by Alex Gray <hitomi@ndirect.co.uk>
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Subway/7630/

A introspective/dialogue based fic that recalls Shinji's 'trains
of thought'. In this Asuka receives a visitation from an entity
who calls herself Sam (Belial or Beelzebub?).

To be honest, I'm a little lost since I can't really remember the
first two installments of Contemplations (the first of which 
concentrated on Rei). But the writing is crisp and definitely
worth a read.


Two Hearts of One Mind - TimeRunner Reprise
Gratuitous Theater rework of Scriviner's Two Hearts of One Mind
by TimeRunner <keiichi@i-manila.com.ph>
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482

A reworking of an old Eva fic in a Gratuitous Theatre style 
(actually I have no idea what GT style is). Shinji and Rei
get their act together - and have some fun at Asuka's expense.

Weeell, personally, I liked Scriviner's original story better.
While TimeRunner's attempt was competent, it lacked a certain
feel that Scriviner was able to capture. One of the things that
stuck in my craw in particular was Rei's giggling at the end of
the fic - my opinion on the fic was wobbly at that point and that
just tipped it over to the negative.

In-Character Shinji x Rei fics are very difficult to write. 
Firstly, the Shinji x Asuka crowd seems to be the majority out
there. Secondly, to be believable, the Shinji x Rei pairing 
requires a lot of skill. (The Shinji x Asuka pairing requires a
lot of work as well - for one of the best examples, see Andrew 
Huang's 'The Heart, the Soul' series). The best fics with Shinji x
Rei romantic tension in my book would be John Biles and Rod M's
'Children of an Elder God' and the theatre scenes in Jim Lazar's
'Garden of EVA'. Another excellent example of 'Rei in love' would
be her portrayal in 'mtcff ULTRA' especially when written by the
Eternal Lost Lurker or Stefan 'Twoflower' Gagne.

Shinji is a reserved and timid person. Rei is laconic and is
unfamiliar with the conception of exploring her feelings. A
story about them sharing their feelings requires above all,
subtle writing. Scriviner's work achieved that, unfortunately,
this version falls short.


Kangae: Gendou/End of an Era
by platypus3333 <platypus3333@yahoo.com>
http://members.tripod.com/Platypus3333

A character study of Gendou by one of the maintainers of 
evaFiction, i think (what's happened to it anyway?), interlacing 
thoughts from NERV's Commander's POV with events from the anime
series and movies.

I enjoyed this thoroughly. Portrayals of Gendou tend to be
two dimensional, lacking imagination and understanding of the
motivations and feel of the character. This is a good remedy
for 'Gendou is the Devil' school of thought. 

Two criticism. The major one is LINE WRAPPING. The fic runs at
way above 72 characters per line which does make it rather 
difficult on the eyes. To the author's credit, the text isn't
garbled but since he has bemoaned the lack of c&c on this piece, I
thought I'd address this. DO NOT UNDER-ESTIMATE THE EFFECT OF UNWRAPPED
TEXT ON REDUCING YOUR POTENTIAL AUDIENCE. To get around this line wrap
problem, I'd recommend NOT using Word or Outlook. Notepad or Wordpad 
(with the line wrap off - insert line breaks manually) will get round
this problem. A good guide for 72 characters is the row of asterisks at
the bottom of the weekly FFML Synposis. Yes, yes, it's troublesome
but if you want C&C, the reader is King.

The minor criticism is that rather lengthy author's notes should be
inserted at end of the fic rather than at the beginning. Lots of
people get bored by author squarks and so long notes often mean
that people don't even read the body of the fic before the delete
button gets pressed.

Other than these technicalities, an excellent fic.


Impact (Prologue: Aftermath)
by Jonathan Wang 
a.k.a. Jon the mockingbird <yaanathn@hotmail.com>

I'm sure how to summarise this piece by my fellow Reihead.
Jon's work tends to have a pleasant surreally sort of feel
to it, especially 'Scenes'. His speciality tends to be the
introspective, emotional and melodramatic.

As an aside comment for his other work, 'For I Have Seen You
Smile' (FIHSYS), there are obvious flaws when the writing
attempts to portray the wider world, most glaringly in the
newreader/newsreporting scenes - it lacks the feel of an
authentic news report. The remedy for this would be to look
at more news bulletins and news columns which have their own
particular lingo and format. I'd recommend BBC World Service
radio announcements which you can get internationally on AM
frequencies.


Ad Hoc
by Jerico E. Mele <jmele@brandeis.edu>

The author takes the religious angle of Eva and makes the
various characters of the NGE cast the basis of a religious
cult in a post-Third Impact world, especially the Children.

Well, nothing really happens. But I doubt action was the author's
intent. More like a description of a scene of everyday life where
Shinji, Asuka and Rei have been elevated to the status of gods
which works alright but methinks would have worked better if there
was a central plot thread or character POV to increase the fic's
cohesion.

That's all for this week, folks!

EeL
Assistant Deputy Supreme Reihead
http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/




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