----- Original Message -----
From: "Robyn, Duke of Amber" <seraphim@sentex.net>
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Saturday, April 29, 2000 11:39 AM
Subject: [FFML] Sailor Moon fic. Types 1.
Types 1.
A story of a Sailor Senshi
(please bear with the opening)
****
Fingers on a keyboard.
***
Shinji sighed. He simply couldn't concentrate at the
concentrate on the - also, you need to make sure that you use two spaces
after every period. I noticed this mistake throughout your fic. Even where
a sentence starts with quotes, there should be two spaces before the
quotation marks.
task at hand.
The controls of the EVA felt sluggish.
The LCL tasted oddly like....blood?
"Shin-chan whats's wrong?"
Misato always refered to him as 'Shinji-kun'.
Misato's face appeared in a tiny window of the cockpit display.
She sounded slightly concerned and slightly frustrated.
A better phrasing would be: "She sounded slightly concerned . . . or was
that frustrated?" Using the word 'slightly' twice in the same sentence like
that is wordy, and redundent.
Things had gone well (from the sounds he had heard (although he had
done his best to ignore them)) durning her evening of "entertaining".
Your're not really supposed to use perantheses unless in a quote or an
informative text such as a history book. Also use an apostrophy when
emphasizing words. This should be phrased: "From the sounds he heard, her
night of 'entertaining' had gone well."
But when faced with new testing for her charges, as well as
what seemed ot Shinji as a mountain of paperwork her spirits
seemed to Shinji - paperwork, her
had flagged.
Granted, this is a nice way to steer clear of being pedestrian (ordinary),
many, many people out there do not know that flagged means 'wilted.' A wise
man once said, "Do not use big words where diminuative words will suffice."
"Nothing. He muuterd.
"Nothing," he muttered.
"Nothing." she repeated. "Well that "Nothing" has
"Nothing?" she - that 'nothing' has
affected your ratio and you are at 15% less than when we did this
your synch ratio - than you were yesterday." (just sounds better)
yesterday."
"Sorry" He said.
"Sorry," he said. <IMHO I think that you should use a more effective word
her like 'sighed'>
"No," Misato replied. "Don't worry. All of us have bad
replied, "Don't worry; all
days."
"Ja." Another window opened on his screen revealing a
'Ja' wa nihongo no go you uchi 'shit-kei' desu ka; shikirini mu you.
Traslation: 'Ja' is a Japanese word for 'goodbye;' therefore there is no
need to use it. My point is that 1) you used a word for 'goodbye' as a
greeting, and 2) you shouldn't use Japanese anyway. I know, we all really
want to, but we shouldn't. You can, however, use a forigne language (a
whole sentence) when the character uses a language no other characters are
speaking, i.e. when Auska speaks German on the phone whith her mother. You
can also use it when refering to a proper name, i.e. Tenshi, which
translates as 'Heaven and Earth.' A wise man once said, "Using forigne
words is not apropos." BTW, who is saying this, Misato or Auska?
rather sharp-faced young girl whose hair billowed slightly in
the liquid she was susspended in.
"Ja," She repeated. "We can all understand when poor baka-Shinji
Not apropos
just can't seem to..." Here she snickered. "To keep it up."
"Asuka!" Misato said sharply but the girl simply giggled.
Another window popped up.
"Excuse me." The blonde scientist spoke in a dry way. "but if
"Excuse me," the - way, "but
you children can't stop bickering we will never finish.
never finish!"
Both Misato and Asuka seemed about to say something but did not.
Their windows *snapped* shut.
Shinji sighed.
"Shinji." Ritsko said and her voice held something akin to
exasperated kindness. "I'm done with you for the day. I'm going to
I don't know about you, but where I come from, being 'exasperated' rarely
leads to kindness.
open up thew test plug and let you out." She gave him as small
rare smile.
small, rare
"Despite what people may say,researchers DO understand the concept
of " simply having a bad day."
the concept of 'simply having a bad day.'"
"Hai" Shinji acknowleged.
Not apropos. 'Hai' can be used as either 'yes' or 'hello,' not 'thank you.'
There was a flicker as the Doctor opened a channel to the other
test chambers.
"Now you three, I'dd like you to foucs." the pickure winked out.
three, I'd like - the picture - 'winked?' not a good use of the word. A
wise man once said, "Alot of people never use the write words."
Feeling cut off Shinji resignedly began to go through the
control sequence he normally would have gone through to "power down"
'power down' <actually, you do not even need to emphisize these words.>
Unit 1. It really made no difference but it was force of habbit.
"Practice makes perfect" seemed to be the favorite phrase of
their trainers.
Isn't that the matto of ALL trainers and teachers alike?
*
When the technicians helped him out of the testing tube Shinji
couldn't but feel that they were somehow judging him.
After all, wasn't he the only one who was finished?
Didn't that imeadeatly tell them he had done something wrong
- or more importantly the fact that he hadn't done something right?
IMHO, I don't belive that the NERV's grunt men would have known the reason
for Shinji's being finished, only those standing near Dr. Akagi would have
had any idea.
Dripping with LCL he made his way alone into the changeroom.
Pressing on the switch on his cuff the suit hissed and collapes on
and collapsed on <A wise man once said, "All verbs HAS to agree with their
subjects!"
him like a wet, slick,loose snakeskin of a python on a diet.
like a wet, slick and loose - A better end to this sentence is: " . . .
loose skin a snake might shed."
Inside the suit he felt dirty.
Although he knew differently, he was sure he could smell
sweat from the atfernoon's exertions.
from that afternoon's
The others had complained of the same thing at one time or another
and it was explained tho them that this was simply a residual effect
of LCL in reaction to open air.
Does the LCL cause the body's temperature to rise when exposed to oxegen?
Napalm does that. If LCL dried or evaporated, it would have a cooling
effect, therefore he would not sweat in the suit.
-strangly enough (after some suspicious sniffing) it seemed that
Strangely enough, after sniffing suspiciously, it
no-one except the pilots could smell annthing at all.
no one - anything
Shinji *had* agreed then (at least privatlely) with some of the
Prasing: "Therefore, Shinji agreed, at least privately, with . . ."
choicer comments Asuka had made.
Rei... well Rei was simply Rei.
Rei . . . well <The proper way to do the dot thingy (alas, I am so
embaressed for not knowing what it is called!) is: space, dot, space, dot,
space, dot, and then one last space.>
He wasn't sure if he liked wearing the plug-suil for testing or not.
plug-suit
Usually it made him evan more aware of how much he was exerting
even
himself - even while in the inert capsule.
Perhaps, more.
This is a phrase, not a sentence. Use: " . . . inert capsule, perhaps
more."
When they were being tested Shinji thought it was much easier to
be aware of his own bodily sensations.
If he was actually piloting the EVa he was either too afraid or
too busy in combat to think of such things.
The good thing however was that when he was wearing it he had
some level of protection between him and the outside world.
The suits kept the other pilots form seeing him -and him from
seeing the other pilots.
Phrasing and hyphen use: " . . . him, as well as him seeing . . . " - The
same way normal clothing does?
He sighed and couldn't help but blush at the reation THAT thought
had produced. - He was glad he was alone.
had produced. He - glad that he
He stripped off the suit and after folding it neatly put
it on the small trolly. It would be taken cleaned as well.
Phrasing and comma shortage: "He stripped off the suit, folded it neatly and
placed it on the trolly, which in turn, took it to be cleaned." Uhh, why
did he fold it? I doesn't need folding until it is done being washed and
dried. I know Shinji likes things orderly and all, but even for someone
like him, and especially his mood at this point, folding seems a bit
extreme. Don't you think?
He wonered when the others would finish.
Would this be one of those all-day events or would they be out
to join him shortly.
him shortly?
He had no idea. He wasn't even really sure what he had been doing
*before* when they had been happy with his preformance.
Now, whith them displeased he was at more of a loss.
He felt so helpless and stupid.
Asuka was right.
Although the red-head had herself begung a major decline in
Actually, she has auburn hair, which is reddish-brown, not red. Her
plug-suit is red. - herself begun
syncro-ratios it was his problem her - he was still a failure.
synch-ratios, it - after the word 'her,' I have NO idea what you meant.
He allways had been hadn't he?
always - Do not use contractions in the text itself, only within quotes. A
wise man once said, "Don't use contractions, they arn't proper." - Phrasing:
"He always had been a failure, right?"
He stepped into the shower and begas to lather as the hot water
began
pelted his body.
It wasn't fair.
was not
It wasn't even his fault. Oh sure he was a bad pilot but who was
was not - sure, he
the one who chose hime for the job?
him - His dad chose him.
Who was the one who forced him to go on?
He was given many opportunitees to quit, he stayed of his own volition.
And who was the one that had almost made him killl his friend?
kill - The dummy-plug system. A wise man once said, "And do not start
sentences with conjuctions."
A friend who probably wouldn't have ever talked to him again anyway
would not
even if he hadn't been forced ot evacuate.
had not - to - It's TOJI! ^_^
"Father." He said and the word was a curse.
"Father," he - as if the
"Father." He slammed his fist into the tile of the shower,
"Father!" he
hard - then harder.
Phrasing: " . . . shower repeatedly." - slamming implies the force which he
is using.
His knuckes stung and he hit the wall again and sobbed.
Phrasing: "His knuckles stung as he hit the wall one last time. He broke
down and sobbed."
"I hate you." He whispered as he watched the thin trickle of red
you," he
go down the drain.
He wasn't sure how long he had been standing there half doubled
was not
over,sobs wracking his light frame when he felt a tentative touch
over, sobs
on the shoulder.
He turned, half-terrified, half enraged to be caught in so much
weakness.
He started to lunge out - and stopped.
to lash out, then stopped.
The other boy stood before him, expressionless.
"Karou" He whispered, ashamed.
"We finished." the other boy said. "We finished about an hour ago."
Phrasing: '"We finished," the other boy said, "about an hour ago."'
"I wanted to come to you but thought that one with this much pain
should be allowed some time to let it go."
Shinji simply stared at the other boy.
"I decided that maybe you had been alone long enough." He gave a
sad smile. "That, and I worried about how long the hot water
would last."
"An hour?" Shinji asked fearing confimation.
"About an hour." The pale boy replied. "I suspect the others have
gone to do...whatever they do. I thought perhaps you might wish some
time to yourself."
Shinji nodded slowly. He reached to tun off the water and found
his hand taken by the others.
He was surprised to find how strong the lighter boy's grip was.
"You..you're hurt." Karou said his tone an odd mixture of
objetivism and concern.looking at Shinji's abused hand.
and concern looking
"I...I kinda hit it." Shinji said embarsed at his previous actions.
The other boy shook his head.
"It is already more than enough you suffer on the behalf of others.
You do not need to add more hurting to yourself."
The pale young boy brought the hand up and to Shinji's surprise
instead of inspecting it brushed the damaged knuckes with his lips.
Mesmerised Shinji watched as the other boy slowly turned his hand
around and gently kissed the palm.
*so warm* he thought and then realized that...
....that he had felt this kiss more than he would have expectewd.
this kiss
He was then made horrily aware of the fact that both young men
horridly <'horribly' is a more active word, where as 'horridly' is much more
reactive.>
were in the standard apparel for showeres and were most close.
Use 'rather,' not most.
He made as if to leave but Karou simply toched him upon the
shoulder.That touch stopped him as no iron shackle would have.
shoulder. That
"Please." Karou said stepping closer nto the cubicle "Let me make
into - 'shower stall' not cubicle.
you alone no longer."
****
"Nhat are you doing Ami-chan?"
"What are
Ami slammed the top down on the laptop and tried not ot blush.
to
-she failed.
Phrasing: " . . . not to blush. She failed."
Usagi however was oblivious.
"More homework?" She asked pointing to the laptop.
homework?" she
Ami nodded weakly.
"What?" Usagi asked, curious.
"What?" Usagi
"Um...Just some work for my advanced English class." She said and
class," she - <No offence intended here, but this Ami needs to take a
Remedial English course to gain a basic understanding of proper grammer and
spelling before she takes an advanced english course. BTW, I highly
reccomend use of a Spelling and Grammer Check!>
slowly opened the computer. "Want to see?"
"English homework? I don't remember any." Said Usagi scrunching
any," said
her face up in thought.
"It's an extra project." Ami lied with ease. "I'm writing to a
project," Ami
newsgroup on the internet for english stories."
"Oh." Said Usagi.
"Oh," said
Once she heard the phrase "internet" she pretty much lost interest.
Best to leave stuff like that to Umino and Ami-chan.
She supposed a future queen of Earth would need ot know all that
stuff -but heck, she had 500 years.
Phrasing: " . . . stuff, but heck, she . . . "
She nodded thoughtfully.
"We were all going to go get parfaits." She told her friend.
parfaits," she
"Do you want to come?"
friend, "Do you
"Well," Ami and apeared (just for a second) hesitant.
parins!
"I did want to finish this now but I can do it before I do to bed."
to finish
She typed a few commands and after saving her file the
commands, and - file, the
computer shut itself down.
HOW? I do not own a lap-top, so maybe they do shut themselves down
automatically.
She got up an joined her friend.
Walking arm in arm they headed to join the others.
"Ami-chan?" Usagi asked.
"Hai?"
What did I say about using Nihongo?
"Is it a good story?"
"I think it is." Ami said smiling. "I think it is."
*FIN*
I told you it was a Sailor Senshi story didn't I ???
Neil
seraphim@sentex.net
Robyn, Duke of Amber.
__________________________________________________________________
_____________
Seraphim, the Restless Angel with a (borrowed) sword.
________
Robyn, Duke of Amber. Agent of Chaos.
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