And here it is, amazingly within the two week time-period I predicted
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It was at the exact center of the museum that the ancient object lay. It
was out in the open, standing upright in the middle of a raised dais that
was composed of the purest crystal in the world. Thousands of ancient
symbols were engraved upon each of the raised steps leading to the center
of the dais. Various gemstones, magically altered into a liquid state,
filled each of the engraved runes making each a different color, ranging
from abyssal black to the deepest azure to colors that the human mind could
scarcely comprehend as they shimmered impossibly in the light. A skylight
was poised above the platform, shining unfiltered moonlight directly
through glass made of solid air, illuminating majestically the single
object that rested in the exact center of crystal dais. It was an ancient
urn, unlike everything else in the room, haggard looking and worn. It had a
sickly earthen color about it, and numerous small cracks lined nearly every
square centimeter of it. One of the handles near the top was cracked,
making holding the object by anything other than the bottom an
impossibility.
Basically, it looked like something shitty one's great-grandmother has
stored under five inches of dust in her attic which she won't let be throw
out because it has sentimental value, never mind the fact her memory is so
shot she doesn't remember where the damn thing came from in the first
place, just make sure to leave it right where it is.
And yes, it was the only thing that truly mattered in the room. The object
of three ninjas' quest and what their opposition sought to leave right
where it was.
The Sacred Urn of CaoPatty.
And it was at the center of the museum where things truly began.
Ranma ran into the room first, being chased by Ryouga who was accusing him
of being the only one around that could qualify as a "bimbo secretary."
Akane was next, quickly followed on her heels by a two-handed magic sword
wielding kunoichi.
Kodachi, Ukyou, and Mai followed, actually getting along quite well with
one another.
Tai bounced into the room, constantly looking over her shoulder for any
sign of pursuit.
Kunou and Mousse were actively chasing Konatsu, who was still successfully
fending off their mutual attacks.
Akane won the contest for 'Most Interesting Entrance,' since she had the
advantage of being pursued by one of the new people, as well as the unusual
nature of the weapon she was being attacked with. Kunou and Mousse came in
second, due to the fact they were combining to attack Konatsu, an unusual
target considering they bore him no personal grudge and actually hated
Ranma more than anything.
"Hey! We're missing someone," Ranma pointed out.
Shampoo was somewhere else in the building, cursing her lack of wind. It
really was her own fault. Lately, she had been taking it easy and eating
way too many Twinkies. Her pack a day cigarette habit hadn't helped things,
either.
"We'd better get started without her then," Ranma said.
"Hey!" Ukyou exclaimed. "How can Mousse and Kunou be picking on Konatsu
when he's standing right next to me and Kodachi?"
Mai turned in anger on Ukyou. "That's because I'm not Konatsu, you whiny,
screwed-up, cross-dressing, obsessed, little weirdo! God, if I have to hear
another simpering complaint about your precious little 'Ranchan,' I am
going to hurl."
"Ukyou does not whine," Ranma protested.
"That's right. I don't..." The rest of the words died in Ukyou's mouth as
she shot Ranma a nasty look. "Hey! What about the rest of the stuff?"
"You're not little and I wouldn't personally describe you as a weirdo
either."
"What about the rest?"
"What about it?"
Ranma suddenly found himself the recipient of close to two dozen throwing
spatulas hurled in his direction.
"Let's see who this fake Konatsu really is." Kodachi moved forward and
ripped off the kunoichi's mask. "Look, it's the owner of the haunted
amusement park!" she gasped.
"I don't own a haunted amusement park," Mai protested.
Kodachi gave an impish smile. "I know. It's just that I've always wanted to
do that." The gymnast moved away from Mai and examined the kunoichi a
little more closely. "You're very handsome."
"Yeah. He's got that bishonen look down better than Ukyou," Akane agreed.
"I am not a guy!" Mai protested.
Ukyou poked Mai in the chest. "But your chest is even flatter than
Konatsu's, and he's really a guy."
Konatsu moved forward and joined in the poking. "Say, I think you're right.
Isn't it possible you might have been raised by women and only taught to
think and act like a girl and you're really a guy?"
"It's a possibility," Tai said from off to the side.
"It is not and you know it! You grew up with me, stupid!" Mai raged. "Who's
ever heard of such a preposterous story anyway?"
All the Ranma 1/2 regulars raised their hands.
"Bloody bunch of weirdoes, you are," Mai said.
"You got that right," B.J. agreed. "Now we had a nice normal upbringing.
Born in an Icelandic rainforest, we were abducted by New Zealand
Conquistadors at the age of three. For several years we were raised by them
until we were lost at sea, eventually ending up washed ashore on an island
with a bunch of dinosaurs that were too stupid to realize they were
supposed to be extinct for centuries. After hiding in caves for a year, we
escaped on a boat made up of nothing but coconuts and tied together with
our own body hair. We were about to drown at sea when we were picked up by
a weird-looking space ship that was made out of wood. We were supposed to
be transported safely to Japan, but our idiotic sister thought carving our
initials on the tree in the center of the ship was a good idea. The space
tree disagreed, and we were hurled bodily out of the ship somewhere over
France. We survived by working with a troupe of circus midgets until we
stumbled onto a cave of time and were sent into the past. After many
adventures, we eventually made our way to ancient Japan and had ourselves
cryogenically frozen until we were revived several years ago." B.J. let out
a long breath as she finished her tale.
"Wow! The exact same thing happened to me," Ryouga said.
B.J. nodded in Ryouga's direction. "See? Perfectly normal."
Ranma leaned closer to Akane and whispered, "Remind me to thank Pop for my
relatively normal upbringing."
As B.J. finished regaling the others with her tale, Shampoo at last burst
into the room, huffing and wheezing. After taking a moment to catch her
breath, and swearing to cut back to half a pack a day, she leveled her
bonbori at Tai. "There you are, Stupid Ninja Girl! Now Shampoo give you
Kiss of-"
"Ahhhhh! Tai squealed at the top of her lungs. "It's the evil Amazon
lesbian, hunting me to ground at last. Oh woe is me. No doubt she has
already made insidious plans to chain me up and make me her sexual
plaything."
"Shampoo is not a lesbian!" the Amazon insisted.
"Liar!" Tai shot back. "The first thing you said when you came into the
room was that you were going to kiss me."
Shampoo suddenly looked a bit awkward. "Well, yes, Shampoo said she was
going to kiss you, but it not that kind of kiss. And Shampoo is not a
lesbian. Just ask all of Shampoo's friends."
"I always suspected you were perverse in that way," Kodachi said as she
leveled in accusatory finger at Shampoo.
"Hey, Shampoo, I turn into a really attractive girl, so you still want to
be married to me, right?" Ranma asked, his sex appeal suddenly in jeopardy.
Ukyou recoiled in horror. "Oh god! I've been in public baths with her
before. She was probably sizing me up and coming up with all sorts of lewd
thoughts about my nubile body."
"Ha!" Shampoo snorted. "Shampoo not think such things about Spatula Girl.
Besides, Akane have much better body than Ukyou, not that Shampoo notices
such things."
Mousse was at Shampoo's side in an instant. He fell to one knee and grasped
her hand. "Oh, Shampoo. Now all of your rejections of me make sense at
last. Allow me to turn you aside from this deviant lifestyle. Please, marry
me."
Shampoo nailed Mousse in the head with a bonbori.
"Fine," Mousse said from his position on the ground. "I'll just get some
Nyanniichuan and turn into a cute girl. That'll solve everything."
Tai saw Shampoo return her attention to the kunoichi again and continued
cringing in horror. "Keep away from me!"
A flick of Tai's wrist and a chain appeared in her hand. She swung it
around once, then hurled it around Akane. One quick tug later, Akane found
herself hurled across the room and in front of Tai. "Here," Tai said as she
thrust Akane before her. "Take this raging bull dyke instead. She'll make
you almost as happy as I could, if I was a lesbian."
"I am not a bull dyke!" Akane shouted as she muscled her way out of the
chain.
"That's right," Ranma said as he made his way to stand next to his fiancee.
"Akane might be uncute, unfeminine, and built like a brick, but she is
definitely heterosexual."
Akane punched Ranma in the face.
"What was that for?!" he snapped. "I was defending your sexuality."
"Don't! It's even worse than her accusing me of being a lesbian."
Tai looked incredulously at Akane. "Oh, come off it. Just look at that
butch haircut and muscular build. You're practically screaming, 'I'm one
rugmuncher that can make your day, girly-girls, so drop your panties and
come get some'."
"I am not!" Akane protested.
Tai looked unconvinced. "Oh, really? I bet you took auto-shop in high
school."
"Only in my Freshman year, and that was because the home economics teacher
made me do it since I blew up a stove. Although I did enjoy the class and
got an A in it."
"Right. Did you beat up guys that came onto you?"
"They were all just creepy boys."
"I see. Do you own any kd Lang CDs?"
"Several."
"Chris Davies and Jim Bader?"
"Literary gods."
"AH HA!" Tai pointed her finger right at Akane. "That proves it. You
couldn't be more of a lesbian than if you joined the LPGA Golf Tour."
"That proves nothing!" Akane shot back. "Just ask all of my friends."
"I always suspected you were perverse in that way," Kodachi said as she
leveled in accusatory finger at Akane.
"Hey, Akane, I turn into a really attractive girl, so you still want to be
engaged to me, right?" Ranma asked, his sex appeal suddenly in jeopardy.
Ukyou recoiled in horror. "Oh god! I've been in public baths with her
before. She was probably sizing me up and coming up with all sorts of lewd
thoughts about my nubile body."
"Ha!" Akane snorted. "I have never thought of you that way. Besides,
Shampoo has a much better body than you do, not that I've ever noticed such
things."
Kunou was at Akane's side in an instant. He fell to one knee and grasped
her hand. "Oh, Akane. Now I understand your resistance to my advances.
Allow me to turn you aside from this deviant lifestyle. Please, marry me."
Akane flattened Kunou with her fist
"Fine," Kunou said from his position on the ground. "I'll just become gay.
Then we will be perfect for one another in our homosexuality."
"No worry, Akane," Shampoo said sympathetically as she placed a reassuring
hand on Akane's shoulder. "Shampoo do all of those things too, and she not
a lesbian either. Maybe we exchange kd Lang CDs, yes?"
As the two began to discuss the merits of music, Tai, backed away from the
others and formed up with Mai, and B.J., forming the 'Three Sexy Ninja
Girls' Squad. Seeing this, Ranma and the others gathered together and did
the same, forming 'Those Who Had Found The Ninjas They Were Hunting For.'
B.J. smirked at her opponents. They were clustered together. It was
perfect.
"Sexy Ninja Girl Attack: Blinding Style!" The glare from the overhead
lights shone off the sequins of her outfit, reflecting the light a
hundredfold. It produced a bright glare, equivalent to a hundred kilowatt
lightbulb and blinding her opponents, causing them to all recoil from their
sudden lack of sight.
"Ha! That took care of them!"
A hand smacked B.J. in the back of the head. "And us too, you nitwit! Next
time warn us when you're going to do that," Mai warned from behind as she
too could no longer see anything but a glare of white. Tai was no better as
she began stumbling around, warning B.J. to protect her from the groping
hands of any rampaging lesbians.
Mousse, though unable to see anything, was calmer than the others. "The
joke's on you, ninjettes. I'm used to not being able to see clearly. Now
prepare to pay for your foolish attack!" A throwing club was brought out
from the folds of his robes. He drew back, blindly smacking Ranma in the
head with it, before releasing the club in the direction of where he
thought his opponents should be.
After hitting Konatsu with the first one, Mousse's second throwing club was
more on target.
B.J. ducked the assault, allowing the club to shatter a display case behind
her. "Impressive move, four eyes. But your style of clothing leaves a lot
to be desired. Plain white robes are so pass� they make me want to cringe
just looking at them. Now if you wore, say, an aquamarine sash and matching
vertical lines along the side, then you might have something to impress
people with."
"You know, I was thinking the same thing," Mousse admitted. "Maybe I should
add leather along the shoulders."
"Yes, I think that could work," B.J. said.
Both Mai and Ranma, who had wandered around until they nearly bumped each
other, recovered their vision at about the same time. They noticed their
respective allies start to delve deeply into a conversation about Mousse's
fashion. They looked at each other, nodded, then approached their
respective partners.
Ranma smacked Mousse in the back of the head while Mai did the same to B.J.
"Exchange fashion tips later. Right now get back to the fight," Ranma
chided to Mousse.
"Thanks for the help," Mai said to Ranma as she held B.J. by the ear.
"No problem," Ranma said.
"Do me a favor. I have to continue reprimanding my sister here, so could
you hold this candle for a moment." Mai handed Ranma a long red object with
a burning string on the end. He accepted it, and she hurriedly backed away
from him.
Ranma examined the red object more closely. The wick on it was pretty long,
and it seemed to be giving out a tremendous amount of sparks, but at the
current rate of movement of the flame on the wick it wouldn't take long for
it to reach the candle.
"Ranma! That's not a candle! It's a stick of dynamite!" Konatsu shouted
from across the room.
"Don't be paranoid!" Mai shouted from the opposite end of the room. "Just
read the writing on the side."
Ranma slowly read the writing out loud. "Only an idiot would think that
this candle was a stick of dynamite."
"Turn it over and read the other side!" Konatsu shouted.
Ranma turned it over and read the words out loud again. "Of course this is
really a stick of dynamite, you loser. Too bad you just ran out of time to
do anything about it."
The dynamite exploded in Ranma's hand.
"Truly they are tricky ninjas." Konatsu bowed in admiration to Mai, who
bowed back in deference to him.
Ranma was left lying flat on his back as the battle was truly joined. Ukyou
and Kunou formed in unlikely team as the chef threw mini-spatulas in B.J.'s
direction, trying to drive the kunoichi into reach of Kunou's bokken.
Across the room, Konatsu and Kodachi tried to use a variety of clubs and
shurikens to bring Mai down from afar, not allowing her to attempt any
ninja tricks. Mousse and Akane chased Tai around the room, while Tai was
more concerned with keeping as much distance between herself and Shampoo as
possible.
Ryouga moved in to help Akane. Tai saw this and said, "Hey, Hanger. Play
your cards right and you might get some of this later." She did a leap kick
in the air towards him.
Ryouga looked up to defend himself, then saw what had laid so many of Tai's
opponents low. Her lacy thong panties had ridden up so high, that Ryouga
couldn't help but seeing clearly what was outlined within. That combined
with the implication that he might 'get some' of it later, and the vivid
fantasy that accompanied it, completely overwhelmed him as he hit the
ground and passed out from the sight.
Tai landed next to his unconscious form. "That's the first time I knocked
out someone without kicking them. Hmm." She took a closer look at Ryouga, A
wicked grin spread across her face as she pulled out a length of steel
cable, flipped Ryouga onto his stomach, then proceeded to hog tie his arms
and legs behind him. Satisfied at the results, she shouted to her sisters,
"Hey, this one's mine! I'm saving him for later, after we complete out
mission!"
"You can't abduct Ryouga. I won't let you," Akane threatened as she
menacingly approached Tai.
"Keep away, Bull Dyke," Tai warned. "I'm only interested in guys,
especially strapping young men like this one." Her hand drifted towards the
area of Ryouga's groin. "Here, let me show you how straight I am by
demonstrating what I like to do with a hanging hunk of studmuffin like
this." Tai undid the drawstring on Ryouga's pants and pulled them down to
his knees.
But since this isn't a lemon, Tai does not get to perform her little
'demonstration.'
"Tease," Tai complained bitterly as she reluctantly pulled Ryouga's pants
back up. The kunoichi didn't have time to complain further as Shampoo drew
near her again. Tai quickly ran off and left Ryouga behind.
Ukyou's series of attacks had at last made B.J. zig when she should have
zagged. The kunoichi found herself before Kunou, his bokken drawn back as
he prepared to strike her. Thinking fast, she quickly spun halfway around,
hiding her front from Kunou. Just as his bokken began to swing downward,
B.J. turned back around. "You wouldn't hit a pregnant ninja with glasses,
would you?"
Kunou stopped his bokken barely two inches from B.J.'s head. She was indeed
wearing glasses and there was a noticeable bulge in her abdomen. "I hadn't
realized your condition. Please forgive me."
"She has a pillow stuffed under there, you idiot." Ukyou pointed at the tag
sticking out from under the bottom of B.J.'s uniform.
"Eh?" It was too late for Kunou as he was distracted enough for B.J. to lay
three solid punches into his jaw and kicked him twice in the head, stunning
him. A smoke bomb hurled in Ukyou's direction had her coughing enough to
allow B.J. to leave her opponents behind and help one of her other sisters
out. Mai appeared to be holding her own against her adversaries, so she
assessed Tai's situation. A quick plan formed in her mind.
Mousse was trying to hit the elusive 'ninjette', with a potty training seat
when he heard a familiar voice cry, "Yoo hoo, Mousse dear."
All thoughts of attacking burned away in the flames of passion that
overrode Mousse's senses. He could barely force himself to look in the
direction of the voice. "Sh... Shampoo?"
She waved at him, his lavender-haired purpose to living. And she was
smiling and posing sexily for him too. She almost never smiled at him,
except those times when he promised to leave her alone. It made trying to
keep those promises almost worthwhile. "You called me dear," Mousse softly
moaned.
"Yes, Shampoo did," Shampoo cooed.
Mousse was nearly floating above the ground in joy when a voice somewhere
behind him growled, "No be stupid, Mousse. That not Shampoo."
Mousse turned around in confusion. Amazingly, there was indeed another
Shampoo behind him, identical to the first, right down to the short, tight,
pink outfit she was wearing.
"No be confused by that impostor," The first purple-haired girl, Shampoo A,
shouted back. "This Shampoo is the real one. That just be an evil lesbian
one."
"Shampoo is not a lesbian! Why does everyone keep saying that?" the second
one, Shampoo B, protested.
Shampoo A moved closer to Mousse, running a finger under his jaw. "Handsome
Mousse know who real Shampoo is. All he have to do is look into heart."
"That's right," he cooed in a lovestuck delirium.
"Shampoo know stupid Mousse no fall for such transparent trick," Shampoo B
snapped back.
Shampoo A grabbed Mousse by the sides of his head and buried his face in
her chest. "Shampoo know Mousse is only one for her. Shampoo love Mousse
too, too much." She pried his face out of her cleavage and looked him in
the eye. "You show Shampoo how loyal you are. You beat up evil
impersonator, then you get real Shampoo all to yourself."
Shampoo B shook her head sadly. There was no way even that idiot would
mistake such melodramatic, saccharine sweet talk from an obvious impostor.
Mousse had grown up with her all of her life, had lived under the same roof
with her for a year. Any half-wit moron would clearly be able to see the
difference between the two.
Mousse detached himself from the Shampoo embracing him and drew menacingly
towards the second one. Shampoo B looked at him in confusion. "Mousse, what
you doing? That not real Shampoo you listening to."
"I don't care!" Mousse shouted back, nearly weeping with joy. "I want that
Shampoo for my own. And if she says I have to beat you up to get her, then
so be it." A series of chains shot forth from Mousse's sleeves.
"Aiya!" The real Shampoo shouted out in dismay. Mousse was serious this
time. Thinking fast, she grabbed the nearest thing that could shield her
from the incoming projectiles. "Airen, protect Shampoo from attack!"
Shampoo grabbed the just recovering Ranma from his position behind her and
held him before her like a shield. The chains, and the blunt objects
attached to them, hit Ranma squarely, blocking Shampoo from the attack.
Once the volley was over, Shampoo gave Ranma a powerful glomp. "Ranma is so
heroic to save Shampoo from attack."
Ranma could only give a stunned moan in response.
Akane stomped over to Shampoo. "How dare you use Ranma to protect you like
that."
Shampoo tossed Ranma to the side. "Okay. Shampoo use Akane as shield this
time."
"Look! Akane has boldly thrown herself in front of Shampoo to protect her
from attack!" Kodachi shouted to everyone in the room.
"I did not!" Akane snapped back. She was about to say more when the bit
about shielding attacks finally sunk in. Akane turned just in time to see a
series of chains strike her solidly, knocking her unconscious and sending
her body back into Shampoo's arms. The Amazon reflexively caught the girl.
Shampoo A, B.J. Shampoo, moved closer to Mousse's side. "No worry any more,
Mousse. Now Shampoo finish off these two jerks." B.J. Shampoo unlimbered
'Pigsticker II' from its sheath and took a swing at the unconscious Akane
and the Amazon supporting her. The real Shampoo was barely able to get out
of the way in time, reflexively holding onto Akane. B.J. Shampoo swung
again, forcing Shampoo to flee, carrying Akane with her the entire time.
Tai shouted words of encouragement, telling her sister to "slice and dice
away."
Ukyou stared at the scene in open amazement. To Kodachi she said, "Look at
the way Shampoo's protecting Akane, and right after Akane took that attack
for her. What that kunoichi said about them being lesbians must be true."
"I knew it all the time," Kodachi said confidently from her position next
to Ukyou.
"So did I. It was obvious for anyone to see," Mai agreed from her position
next to Kodachi. "By the way, I have to go over there for a moment. Could
you hold this wire for me?"
"Certainly," Kodachi said graciously as she accepted the end of the wire
offered to her by Mai. "Oh, but that will keep my hands full. Could you do
me a favor as well and hold this medicine ball for me?"
Mai looked in surprise at the medicine ball that had seemed to appear from
behind Kodachi's back. "Ah, sure." She accepted the ball and began to walk
away. What a bizarre girl. Well, soon to be fried bizarre girl, as all Mai
needed to do now was throw the switch to the power box the cable was
connected to. Then the leotard-clad girl would be exposed to ten thousand
volts of electricity, eliminating her from the fight. Mai had to laugh to
herself. Sometimes it was too eas-
*BOOM*
"Gunpowder filled medicine ball?" Ukyou asked as she laid a hand on
Kodachi's shoulder and watched Mai's singe covered form collapse to the
ground.
"Of course," Kodachi said with a broad smile. "No mere kunoichi can outwit
the likes of Kodachi Kunou. OHHOHOHOHOHO-"
"Unless Kodachi Kunou forgets to let go of the live wire she's holding,"
Tai said dryly as she threw the switch to the power box that her sister had
failed to make it to.
Ten thousand volts of electricity went through both Kodachi and Ukyou,
knocking them both to the ground.
"Well, that was easy. All we need to do now is take care of the lesbians
and we can-" Deeply ingrained ninja instincts took over as Tai barely
dodged out of the way of a series of throwing knives that arced through the
air towards her. They flew past her, burying themselves in the power box
where she had been a moment before. Turning, she found herself confronted
by another ninja.
"You're that Konatsu person, correct?" Tai asked as she took up a fighting
stance.
"Indeed." Konatsu said, mirroring her positioning.
"And you're really a man dressed up as a kunoichi, correct?"
"Indeed," Konatsu admitted.
Perfect. Tai had him. With a thrust of her powerful leg muscles, she leaped
high into the air and prepared to deliver a leap kick to Konatsu. She made
certain her skirt flew high up her waist as she brought her right foot
forward, preparing to deliver it to the openly gawking face of her
opponent.
Except he wasn't openly gawking.
With preternatural speed, Konatsu twisted and grabbed Tai's ankle in
mid-kick and hurled her powerfully into the ground. Slowly, Tai got up,
staring at him in open disbelief. "How? How could you be unaffected by the
power of my revealing leap kick? Are you gay?"
Konatsu crossed his arms confidently. "No. I'm just in touch with my
feminine side."
Tai's shoulders slumped in defeat. "I see. Then that leaves me with only
one choice. Sexy Ninja Girl Final Attack: Nutcracker Suite!"
Konatsu gave her a curious look. "What sort of attack is thACK?!" The rest
ended in a howl of pain as Tai kicked Konatsu right in the balls.
Konatsu went down to his knees, his eyes tearing in pain. Tai smiled evilly
and leaned in close, whispering into her opponent's ear, "Time to get in
touch with your masculine side now."
"Thanks," Konatsu said through gritted teeth. "Allow me to return the
favor. Konatsu's Super Secret Sneaky Ninja Attack: The Titty Twist!"
Konatsu's hands shot forward, firmly grasping Tai's twin mounds. He twisted
them hard enough to nearly make a full revolution with his wrists.
"ARGH! Not... into... pain," Tai gasped out as she fell onto her back in
agony.
"I'd have never fallen for that attack," Mai's singe-covered form moaned
from her position close by.
"Not have... enough chest... for it... to work... either," Tai gasped out
as she continued writhing in pain.
"Bitch," Mai retorted weakly back.
The real Shampoo began to panic as she found herself driven into a corner
by Mousse and the sword wielding impostor (Did her thighs really look that
big though? If so, it was definitely time to cut back on the Twinkies).
What was almost as bad was the smile Mousse had on his face; he was
actually enjoying himself. Oh, if it wasn't for the fact she was going to
die, Shampoo would really have laid into him for that one.
Shampoo saw the impostor draw back her two-handed sword. It reached high
into the air, like a giant finger of death, as it was carefully lined up on
Shampoo and primed for the kill. It looked like it was really the end.
As with many people facing impending death, Shampoo reevaluated her life
and found regrets filling her mind. When she thought about it, she realized
that she had done many bad things. She should never have tried to use magic
on Ranma to win his heart. She was sorry she hadn't learned the true nature
of his curse in time before she had tried to kill him. She felt grief over
not trying to be more friendly and less antagonistic to her rivals. She was
sorry for not taking the moral high road in her pursuit of Ranma. But the
thing Shampoo regretted most of all was that Akane wasn't thick enough to
possibly block the incoming blow from the sword and buy her time to escape.
In desperation, Shampoo's free hand reached backward and fell upon an open
display case located next to the corner. Her hand grasped something that
was slightly larger than her open palm. It felt hard, yet seemed to give
slightly under the pressure of her hand. It had eight projections, four to
a side. Her fingers grasped in-between the projections, and she brought the
item out of its case and held it before her, as though something so small
could shield her from such a huge blade. Her eyes fell upon the object; it
appeared to be an elaborately jeweled jade spider. It contained enough
precious stones to buy Shampoo's village, but she would have traded them
all in for a sword to block the blow from 'Pigsticker II'.
The two-handed sword started to descend, and Shampoo closed her eyes and
cried out as her grip on the item tightened. She felt the jade give
slightly with an accompanying hiss. Through closed eyes, Shampoo heard
Mousse and the impostor cry out, and then complain loudly about something.
Daring to peak, Shampoo saw that the duo were now stuck to the floor,
cocooned in what appeared to be a large set of white webbing.
Shampoo stared in wide-eyed wonder at the scene, then turned the spider
around in her hand so that it was facing her. There was no way all of that
silk could possibly have fit in such a tiny object. Truly it was an amazing
magical device. She must have accidentally triggered it by squeezing.
Then the spider began to wiggle in Shampoo's fingers of its own accord.
Shampoo gave a squeal of fright, as the spider leaped out of her grasp,
releasing a much wider spray of webbing that trapped both her and Akane
together under a silky sheet of white. Completely pinned to the corner by
the webbing, Shampoo could only look on in horror as the spider began
scuttling around the ground. The Amazon could see it open its tiny mouth.
Small needles extended from its maw, disportionately large compared to the
rest of the spider. A tiny drop of green ichor fell from one of the needles
and struck the floor. The instant the drop made contact with the marble,
the stone sizzled and bubbled, a small, acrid column of smoke rising. As
the tiny cloud cleared, Shampoo could see a hole cleanly eaten though the
marble.
The spider reared up on four of its tiny legs, then proceeded to quickly
scuttle towards Shampoo and the motionless burden still in her arms, Akane.
It was no more than a couple of feet away when it gave a low hiss filled
with bile, hate, and...
...silence, as a black slipper stepped right on the spider, shattering it
into a thousand tiny green fragments.
"Dontcha know you're never in any danger when Ranma Saotome's around?" He
gave a cocky grin towards Shampoo.
"Oh, airen," Shampoo sighed. Ranma had gone to all of that trouble just to
save her.
"How's Akane?"
All right, he had saved Akane too, but Shampoo just knew she was what was
on his mind first and foremost. At least she'd better have been.
Ranma made sure not to touch the webbing as he tried to visually examine
the bundle in Shampoo's arms. "I got to admit, Shampoo, it took guts
risking yourself like that to keep them from hurting Akane. I know she
ain't light, and she must have slowed you down a lot. That was real nice of
you."
"Of course. Was no problem for Shampoo." Actually, the truth was Shampoo
had been so distracted in saving her own skin that she had forgotten she
was still carrying Akane. Otherwise she would have left the tomboy behind
for sure. Still, she had accidentally scored some points with Ranma and was
damned if she would let the opportunity slip by.
"Now why don't I get you guys out of there? Let me look around for
something to get you free." As Ranma began to search around for something
to cut through the webbing, Akane began to stir in Shampoo's grasp.
As the first vestiges of consciousness began to return to Akane, she was
vaguely aware of being held tightly in someone's grasp. There was something
about a giant sword chasing her and then she had been rescued. Dimly, her
mind made a connection.
"Ranma, you saved me," Akane softly murmured, then embraced him.
"Ack!" Shampoo gasped as the breath was forced out of her lungs.
"What's wrong? Ranma asked.
"Akane breaking... Shampoo's back," she gasped out.
Ranma heard the words softly being moaned by Akane, understood, and smiled.
"Gee, kinda stinks being squeezed like that, doesn't?"
"No can... breathe."
"Yeah," Ranma said casually. "The initial loss of breath is the hardest
part. If you get caught off-guard like that, it all gets pushed out of your
lungs and then you can't breath any more for the duration of the glomp."
"It... getting... dark."
"That's the oxygen deprivation. You're going to start seeing spots in a
moment and then it'll get darker. Sometimes you'll even hear voices of
people that have been dead a long time."
"Okay... Shampoo... get... point. Will... no... glomp... Ranma... anymore."
For at least three or four days.
"Right." Ranma bent low, then shouted. "Akane! Wake up!" Seeing she was
starting to come fully around, he went back to trying to find something to
free the girls.
Full consciousness returned to Akane. She felt a blush rise to her cheeks
as she realized the sort of dream of Ranma she had just been having. She
tried to get up, but realized she was immobilized by something all around
her and that she was in someone's embrace. "Hey! What's going on?"
It took a moment for Shampoo to regain her lost breath. "Shampoo and Akane
stuck in webbing."
Akane cringed as she realized exactly whose arms she was in. "Look,
Shampoo. We're in a tight situation here, and I think we both firmly stated
our sexual orientation earlier. Still, I feel now would be a real good time
for me to reemphasize that I am completely heterosexual."
"Shampoo is too. Being caught in web with Akane is last place Shampoo want
to be in. Except being trapped in web with Mousse. That much, much worse."
"Right. With that being said, would you please remove your hand from where
it's currently located on my body?"
"Oh, sorry. Shampoo not realize where her hand resting. Akane feeling
pretty perky today though, yes?"
"Don't remind me. Let me try to move around here." Akane shifted slightly.
"Yuck. This webbing is pretty tight and really moist."
"*Gasp* Akane, that not *Gasp* webbing you fingers *Gasp* in right now."
"It's not? Then what is... AHHHH!"
Ranma began increasing the rate of his search.
"I see things couldn't have turned out better if I had planned them this
way from the beginning." A voice boomed from one of the connecting
passageways; the one that none of the others had entered from.
All eyes turned to see the speaker. Still lying on the floor because of
excessive static cling, Kodachi's eyes widened as she gasped. "Of course. I
should have known the one behind all of this is would be you, Mr.
Takayami!"
"Of course he's behind this!" Ranma snapped. "He's the owner of this
museum. He's the one that requested out presence in the first place. It
only makes sense that he'd be here."
"Indeed," Takayami said as he entered the room and drew nearer to Ranma.
"However, I believe the delightful Miss Kunou is closer to the truth than
even she realizes."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Ranma asked as a terrible foreboding, like
the one he usually got when a new fiancee came to town, began to creep up
on him.
"Not much," said the well-dressed man as he casually ran his finger along
one of the exhibits. "Just that now that you've worn each other out, and
it's almost midnight, I shall be taking over the world the world shortly."
"Ohh, I just knew it," Mai shouted as she finally got to her feet. "Let me
guess. Through magic, you've remodeled this whole building into a magical
focus, going so far as to collect every evil magical item you can find and
replacing the real museum pieces with them, so that you use their
collective energy to summon some sort of massive power to reshape the world
in the image you want. Right?"
"Well, yes," Takayami said hesitantly.
"I bet you screwed up the parking too."
"Guilty."
"That is soooo clich� it makes me want to barf. That is the plot of just
about every single large scale powerful magic-involved plan there is." She
made a frightening face. "I'll collect all of this energy and make myself
ultra-mighty. Ohh, scary, " Mai complained as she held her hands up in
frustration.
Takayami went from being caught off-guard to unleashing a whiplash smile
towards the girl. "Tell me, young lady, would it be clich� for me, the
villainous mastermind in this little scheme, to use my power to hurl you
into the wall hard enough to make you nothing more than a bloody smear?"
Mai went from bemoaning the situation to suddenly becoming nervous. "Ah,
not really."
"Good." Takayami held up his hand, palm forward, and pointed it in Mai's
direction. The air around it distorted, rippling as though it had somehow
taken on the characteristics of water. The collected distortion hovered in
front of his hand for a second, the shot forward and headed directly
towards the open-mouthed Mai. She shook herself out of her self-inflicted
surprise, but knew it was too late. Even as she tensed her muscles up to
leap away, the distortion was no more than three feet away from her. There
wasn't even enough time for regrets.
Then world went topsy-turvy as Mai felt a heavy object strike her in the
side and knock her out of the way of the incoming distortion wave. As she
fell to the ground, she saw the ripples touch the wall, shattering hardened
marble into dust instantaneously. Oh yes. That would have hurt big time.
Mai looked up into the face of her savior, who was currently laying on top
of her, his hands directly on her breasts. It was the Ranma boy. A bit of a
surprise, that. In response, Mai began purring in a seductive voice,
"Amazing. Now that you've saved my life, I feel helplessly drawn to you and
your roguish charm, despite the fact we are currently opposed to one
another in this endeavor and have been enemies right up until the
appearance of this new powerful foe. I think its a case of love at first
sight."
Ranma got off her as though he had found out she had another Jusenkyou
curse for him. "Oh god! I don't need another fiancee or any other love
interests either!"
Mai got up and brushed herself up. "Relax, loverboy. The truth is, I was
only kidding.' She placed her hands on her hips and looked indignant. "I
can't believe you'd think I'm so shallow as to throw my heart at some
complete stranger, that, to be quite honest, isn't all that attractive or
charming. I mean, we haven't even had a single conversation, not even some
inane discussion about the weather. And I sure as hell don't believe in
that 'love at first sight' crap. That's just an excuse people use to cover
up that fact they get horny over a member of the opposite sex they spot and
try to pass it off as something with deeper meaning."
"Thank god," Ranma said as his heart started beating once again. "For a
second there I was afraid you'd... what do you mean I'm not attractive or
charming?"
"Should I have added stupid too?" Mai asked. "I think I was pretty clear
and straightforward there. You have, at the most, average looks, which do
absolutely nothing for me, are of average size and not overly muscular,
kind of short, and you come across as an egotistical jerk who's so full of
himself he should explode. You also seem a bit fearful around women. I bet
you're the kind of guy that couldn't commit to a girl if your life depended
on it."
"That's amazing," Ryouga gasped from his hog-tied position on the floor.
"Are you sure you've never met Ranma before?"
"You shut up!" Ranma shouted back. "I am not any of those things, you
cocky, flat-chested, guy-looking, inept ninja girl."
Rather than be offended, Mai simply sneered. "Ha! Since I have absolutely
no sexual interest in you whatsoever, I find your insults reassuring. The
last thing I would want a major turn-off like you to do is to try and take
me out on a date, which for you, I'm sure, is nothing more than an outdoor
ramen bar and a flower you've picked from some vacant lot because you're
either too cheap or too stupid to remember to get one."
"It's scary how someone can be so right about someone with just a glance,"
Mousse said from under the webbing.
"That's not true!" Ranma howled. "If you go out on a date with me, I'll
show you what a great guy I can be."
"I'd sooner hit myself in the head with a baseball bat. It'd hurt less and
be much quicker." Mai turned her back to Ranma.
"You can't reject me out of hand like that," Ranma protested.
"It's already been done, loverboy," Mai assured him.
Ranma was about to say more, but the sound of a throat clearing behind him
gained his attention.
Upon seeing that he had both of the disputants' attention, Takayami began
speaking once again. "As amusing as seeing the two of you arguing with one
another is, I find myself offended that I'd be forgotten so quickly. I
think I'll rectify that situation by vaporizing both of you, then you can
carry your little love spat into the afterlife. And considering how
viciously you were going at it, I have a feeling you'll need an eternity."
Ranma began to tense up, but Mai just sneered in Takayami's direction. "The
joke's on you, oh so powerful scumbag. I started that argument with the
express purpose of distracting you long enough for the others to free
themselves or recover from their various injuries. And you fell for it.."
Takayami looked around to see that people were indeed rising to their feet,
looking much better than they had moments before. Kunou, Ukyou, Kodachi,
Tai, and Konatsu all stood up. B.J. cut through both her and Mousse's
webbing with her magical two-handed sword, and Akane and Shampoo had easily
melted through their webbing with their combined battle auras, which had
formed when they saw how hard Ranma was trying to get a date with Mai.
There was just one little detail.
"Hey, could someone cut my bonds loose? I'm sort of too tied up to break
out of this," Ryouga protested.
"No time," Akane said as the others formed up in front of Takayami.
Ranma turned to Mai and smiled. "Pretty clever trick there, saying all of
those lies about me to distract the head guy. I'm impressed."
"Oh no. I meant every word I said," Mai assured him.
"What?" Ranma started to protest.
Akane cut him off by shouting, "There's no time for this! We have to stop
this guy."
"Right," Ranma said, silently vowing to take up his little discussion with
Mai at a later time.
"Now this should be fun." Takayami crossed his arms and waited for the
others to make the next move. The wait wasn't long as nine martial artists
charged him at once, trying to dog-pile Takayami where he stood.
Collectively, nine of the most powerful martial artists in the world
assailed Takayami with ki reinforced weapons: bokken, shurikens, ribbon,
hammer, bonbori, chains, spatula, leap kick, and magical two handed sword.
Combined at the same moment and at the same target, they hit with enough
force to sink a small cruiser.
Individually, Takayami didn't even flinch at the power directed towards
him. Once the initial wave of their onslaught passed, and they had a moment
to stare in horror at their lack of results, Takayami tossed them all to
the far side of room with nothing more than a wave of his hand.
"Absolutely pitiful," Takayami said as he looked over the stunned group of
martial artists. The walls themselves seemed to come alive as sections of
it took on a serpentine shape and wrapped themselves around the arms and
legs of all of the fallen foes. They were hoisted up flat on the wall,
spread-eagled like some sort of trophies. Struggling was useless in the
hands of the marble bonds as they refused to give in the slightest.
"I've toyed around with the idea of leaving some of you alive to witness my
triumph, but I'd rather not be clich�. Goodbye, you insignificant fleas."
Takayami raised his hand and built up the wave force again.
"You forgot about one little detail, buddy."
Takayami turned to look at the speaker. "Ah, that's right. You held back.
So, the supposed best has been saved for last, is that it?"
"Let's not waste anymore words and just end this thing." Ranma felt the
power build up in his every atom of his body as a glow formed between his
hands. He was dealing with a being more powerful than anyone he had ever
faced, save perhaps Saffron. There could be no holding back this time, for
the power the owner of the museum wielded could tear apart and recreate the
fabric of realit-
Ranma, impatient with the author's long, drawn out imagery, released his
blast at his foe.
Power enough to destroy Saffron twice over was hurled in a two foot
diameter beam of energy that flew from Ranma's hands and struck his
opponent dead center. For a moment, all was lost as the brilliant beam of
coruscating light blinded everyone for several seconds. Slowly, as vision
returned, a Ranma, completely drained of his energy, was able to bear
witness to the results of his handiwork.
A hair had fallen out of place on Takayami's scalp.
"Pussy," the museum owner said flatly.
For this first time in his life, Ranma's confidence was shattered. He had
wielded forces nearly beyond his imagination and all he had done was blast
his opponent's hair out of place. And only one strand at that. He couldn't
even have claimed to have made the guy flinch. There was only one option
left to Ranma. An attack he had never dared use before, but then, he had
never found himself pressed into so desperate a situation.
It was time for The Fierce Crouching Tiger Attack.
Ranma leaped to Takayami's feet bowed before him, pleading in a fashion
that would have put even his father to shame. "I'm sorry. I never should
have done that to you. I don't know what I was thinking in trying to fight
you. Please, oh please, don't kill me."
Everyone, even Kunou, looked in shock at Ranma's groveling form. Akane was
the first to who found the ability to speak. "What do you think you're
doing?"
Ranma turned to Akane. "I'm giving up. Didn't you see what just happened? I
don't stand a chance."
"But you can't just give up," Ukyou protested.
"Why?"
"Because you can't," Kodachi answered before Ukyou could. "You're supposed
to fight to the death rather than give up. That's one of the things we've
found so appealing about you; your persistence. Even your enemies respect
that."
"No I don't," Kunou said.
"Be silent!" Kodachi shot back.
Ranma looked up from his crouching position to gaze at Takayami. "In all
honesty, about how long would it take for you to kill me?"
"It depends on how long it would take for me to blink."
"Right," Ranma said. "Sorry guys, but even I am not willing to get killed
in that pointless of a death. I'm giving up right now."
"Coward!" Mousse spat.
"You can take his place and challenge me," Takayami offered.
"Oh no. I give up too," Mousse hastily assured him.
Takayami sighed. "You know, this is somewhat anti-climatic for me. When I
first heard that there were ninja girls coming for me, and I recruited the
lot of you to help defend this place, I was certain something would go
wrong and you might actually defeat me, or at least put me on the verge of
it. That is how these things usually go. I can see now that I seriously
overestimated your abilities as well as underestimated mine."
"Wait," Tai said from her position from the wall. "We didn't come for you.
We came for the urn."
Takayami shrugged. "Myself. The urn. Where does one end and the other
begin? Who knows?"
"What you mean?" Shampoo asked.
"The urn is the true source of my power," Takayami said idly. "In fact,
this body that you see before you is nothing more than an innocent vessel
that foolishly tried to unlock the secrets of the urn and ended up
discovering more than he bargained for. It was only three days ago that the
true Toji Takayami released me from my slumber and allowed me to take over
his form."
"Wow, you did all this in three days? I'm impressed." B.J. gave off a low
whistle.
"Thank you," Takayami said. It was nice to see his work appreciated. "But
in truth, time was of the essence. There is a full lunar eclipse coming
tonight, one will give me all the power I need, and I fear this will be my
only window of opportunity for the next hundred years."
"But if you were powerful enough to do all of this, why did you need us to
prevent the theft?" Akane asked.
Takayami gave Akane a grin full of mirth. "In magically gathering all of
the evil enchanted items here, and reconstructing the museum so that the
power could be properly collected, my inherent abilities were completely
drained. I was essentially helpless. It was only in the last hour or so
that my powers returned. Before that, any one of you could have defeated me
quite easily. But now, I am invincible. And in the next five minutes, I
shall be remaking the world."
"That's what you think!" Ranma shot to his feet and dashed towards the urn
on the crystal dais. He ran faster than he thought possible, knowing he had
to reach it before the demon could react. In less than three heartbeats he
was within a fingerlength of the urn. He had it. It was going to be--
*KAZAK*
Takayami laughed as Ranma was hurled back and thrown to the ground at the
base of the dais, completely paralyzed from the pain he was in. "You
moronic simpleton, did you honestly think for one second that I believed
your little surrender? That I would tell you of my weakness while there was
the slightest chance you would exploit it? Oh no. I know your kind too
well. You screw things up by being insufferably noble to the bitter end.
The others were right: you would sooner die than yield. And so you shall,
but only after you watch me achieve ultimate power."
The crystal of the dais itself reached up and wrapped up Ranma's arms and
legs, binding him so powerfully that he couldn't move a muscle. "The urn is
protected by a magical barrier that is impenetrable to any force in
existence. Anyone attempting to touch it is dealt only pain, as you found
out firsthand. You see, I've learned from other's mistakes. I set you up by
faking a weakness that you could not truly exploit. And you fell for it!"
the dapper demon sneered.
"And now that I have all of you trapped, it's time for the final part of my
plan." He waved his hand, and the field around the urn became visible for a
moment, then disappeared completely. "With that final barrier out of the
way, the full power of the eclipsed moon will bathe the urn in its shadowy
light and unlock the final reservoir of power from me. I'm afraid here is
where I break with tradition and actually win this little fight. And now,
it's time for sinister laughter, boys and girls. Muhahaha-"
Ranma's eyes scanned the room, desperately looking for something, anything,
to get him out of his current predicament. Then he saw it. A smile broke
across his features as he turned back towards Takayami. "Can, I make one
observation here."
"Go ahead," Takayami said.
Ranma took a moment to clear the feeling of residual pain that still
ravaged his form, "I got to hand it to you, your plan's pretty good, with
the reconstruction of the museum, the gathering of the evil magical
objects, the magic field, and all of that stuff. There's just one little
problem."
"Which is?"
"Today's Saturday the twenty-sixth."
"Which means?" Takayami said, beginning to grow irritated at the
distraction.
"The eclipse is on the twenty-seventh."
Takayami recoiled slightly, then gave a deep, sonorous laugh. "Nice try.
Very nice. But you can't-"
"Oh, you're right, Ranma. I hadn't even thought about that," Akane said
from her position, hanging on the wall.
"Don't be na�ve. My whole plan hinges on this. Don't you'd think I would
know when a total eclipse-"
"No," Kodachi said. "Ranma-sama is correct. One of my science teachers
mentioned that we might want to stay up late and watch the eclipse on the
twenty-seventh. Not the twenty-sixth."
"Liar."
"My sister speaks the truth," Kunou insisted. "It is on the
twenty-seventh."
"But-"
"No buts, sugar."
"I couldn't-"
"Everyone makes mistakes, even demons," Konatsu said soothingly.
"I DID NOT MAKE A MISTAKE!" the demon bellowed at the nine people hanging
on the wall. "I'll prove it to you. I marked the exact date on a calendar,
one I kept right in this room just to be sure."
Takayami went across the room to where the calendar was hanging on the wall
and tore it down. He held it close to his face and examined it carefully.
"Ah ha! Here's your mistake. Today IS Saturday, but it is also the
twenty-seventh. Friday was the twenty-sixth. You were simply getting your
dates confused. That explains the mix-up. For a second there, I was wor-"
Nine hanging people?
Takayami's eyes remained fixed on the calendar as his mind raced. Nine
people hanging. One person bound to the dais. One person hog-tied. So he
had eleven people under his complete control. Which would have been good,
except for the fact there had been-
Slowly, Takayami raised his eyes from the calendar and looked towards the
dais.
"Twelve of us, my oh so predictable demon. There were twelve of us," Mai
said as she balanced the urn upon one finger. She unleashed a grin that
would have made a Cheshire Cat proud. When she saw that everyone was going
to attack at once, Mai decided to hold back. She doubted if her power would
make any difference in the fight. If the others succeeded, she would have
pretended to have helped out and accepted the accolades. But if they
failed, then she could stay in the shadows and wait for an opportunity to
strike when the enemy was vulnerable; just like a good ninja would. And
boy, had she made the right choice.
"Ninjas ain't the only ones that can be tricky," Ranma said as grinned
towards Takayami. He had to admit, it was a brilliant plan he had come up
with. It had been sort of lucky that, after his failed attempt at grabbing
the urn, he had spotted Mai in hiding and came up with a plan to distract
Takayami once the demon had dropped the protective field around the urn.
The others had been smart enough to play along with the trick as well.
"Actually, I sincerely believed it was the twenty-sixth," Kunou pointed
out.
Takayami began to sweatdrop. Big time. He unleashed the most pleading look
he could at Mai, who continued to balance the urn on her digit. "I don't
suppose I could bribe you with the usual things. Money? Power? Handsome
men? A Starbuck's Franchise?"
"No," Mai said casually.
"How about bigger tits?"
"DIE!" Mai threw the urn to the ground, shattering the ancient relic into a
thousand tiny pieces.
"I hate it when that happens," the demon sighed.
With his anchor to the mortal world destroyed, the demon inside Takayami
began to flow out of its host, appearing to the others as a fine mist that
dissipated through the man's pores. Within moments, the real Toji Takayami
was given control over his body once again.
With the demon gone, the walls and dais reverted back to normal, releasing
all of the prisoners. Everyone began rubbing their arms and legs, trying to
get the circulation flowing through their limbs again.
"What's going on?" Takayami asked as the fog, that had clouded his mind for
the last three days, was lifted at last.
Ranma decided to break things gently to the man. "You were possessed by a
demon that wanted to rule the world. He warped your museum into a
reflection of his own perverse desires and replaced most of your exhibits
with evil cursed objects. Oh yeah, he ruined your parking lots too."
Yep. Nice and gentle.
Takayami looked at Ranma in shock. Once his mind processed the information,
he calmed visibly. "I was planning to get the place remodeled, the exhibits
were pretty standard and boring, and I did need a vacation. I guess I came
out ahead when you stop and think about it. Too bad about the parking
through. I suppose I should rename this, 'The Nerima Cursed Museum of
History', now."
"Works for me," Ranma said as he found himself surrounded by several girls
(and one angry Kunou) enthusiastically congratulating him on his heroic
struggles and brilliance in dealing with the demon. However, for a change,
he just couldn't seem to enjoy the open adulation the others were
demonstrating for him. There was something nagging at him. Actually, it
wasn't exactly nagging him. It was more like something was pulverizing the
concrete of his ego with a jackhammer.
"Where'd that ninja chick go? The one with the flat chest?"
"I think she and her comrades scooped up the remains of the urn in a
dustpan and left while you were explaining things to the owner of the
museum. Since the urn was destroyed, I didn't see any reason to stop them,"
Konatsu said.
Ranma snapped his fingers. "Shoot. I was going to take her out on a date to
show her I ain't cheap."
Four simultaneous battle auras popped up, combining with a force that
nearly rivaled the demon at the apex of his power.
"Ranma, how dare you try to ask some kunoichi out on a date!"
"Is too, too, bad idea, Airen."
"I don't think I can let this one slide, Ranchan."
"I'm afraid I'm forced to agree with these plebeians, Ranma-sama. You must
be taught to keep that eye of yours from roving."
A cold sweat broke out on Ranma's brow. "Now hold on a minute, guys. You
don't have to feel threatened. I ain't interested in her that way. She's
more cocky than Shampoo, more tricky than Kodachi, less feminine than
Ukyou, and she makes Akane's chest look like that Tai girl's by
comparison."
The girls all turned away from Ranma and looked at one another. Akane said,
"I'm not sure if I should feel flattered or insulted by that comparison."
The other girls all mirrored Akane's sentiments. They decided to ask for
further clarification from Ranma, but when they turned back towards him,
they saw that he had managed to slip away in the confusion.
Outside the museum, three kunoichi smiled at each other in triumph.
Mai looked down at the dust pan she was holding. "Ha! Not only did we slip
away unnoticed, but we recovered the urn as well. Not exactly the way
Granduncle probably expected, but technically we have it. We're going to be
genuine ninjas now."
All three girls gave a shout of joy. As the initial wave of elation passed,
B.J. took note of the burden Tai was carrying. "Sis, exactly why did you
bring that guy you hog-tied up along?"
Tai gave her burden, the bound and gagged, Ryouga, a sexy look then primped
her hair. "I'm going to show the stud some of my more flexible techniques,
as well as my ability to dislocate my jaw at will." She gave a girlish
giggle in Ryouga's direction.
Ryouga gave a muffled protestation. Tai removed the gag and allowed him to
speak. "I can't do that. I'm not ready for this. We don't even know each
other."
"Silly boy," Tai cooed soothingly as she ran a finger gently along his jaw.
"I'm not looking for some deep relationship. I'm just going to use you for
sex." She replaced the gag in his mouth to muffle his cry of anguish.
Truly, he was cursed, Ryouga thought. A deep depression overwhelmed him. It
served him right since he had accepted that wish from a demon. He should
never have asked to become bigger. Now all women were going to do was use
him as a sexual object. What a horrible fate he had ended up with.
"What about you?" Tai asked. "You're still in that Amazon disguise."
"I know," B.J. complained. "That webbing made me all sticky, and I can't
pull off the disguise. Even my wig is still stuck into place. I don't even
like purple; it clashes with my ninja wear. Still, it could be worse, all
things considered."
*Glomp*
"Oh, Shampoo. I was afraid I 'd lost you for a moment there. You almost
left the museum without me."
B.J. cringed in horror as she found a male Amazon attached to her body with
a vice-like glomp. It took several moments for her to regain control of her
voice. "I'm not Shampoo."
"Of course you are," Mousse said as he continued glomping her.
"No, really I'm not. Look." B.J. tried pulling off the wig, but it was
firmly attached to her real hair, and with Mousse glomping onto her she
couldn't change her outfit. "Well, listen to the sound of my voice. I don't
sound a thing like her. My Japanese isn't that annoying pidgen speak
either."
"Changing your voice can't change the person you are inside. I know you're
my Shampoo. And I know you love me just as much as I love you," Mousse
assured her.
"No, no!" B.J. protested, nearly in tears. "I'm not an Amazon lesbian. I'm
really a kunoichi named Bobbie Joe Hashimoto." She turned to her sisters.
"Tell him."
Mai and Tai looked at each other, then shrugged.
"Of course you're Shampoo," Mai said.
"And I might I add, Mr. Mousse, that you are all she talks about," Tai
added.
"Never seen a more perfect couple," Mai said.
"Oh yes. True love if ever I saw it," Tai agreed.
"WAHHH!" B.J. couldn't take it anymore as she ran off, bawling her eyes out
with Mousse still firmly attached to her.
Mai and Tai watched their sister shrink into the distance, satisfied looks
on both their faces.
"It's good to see her dating again," Mai said approvingly.
"Yes. A blind obsessive is just what she needs to add some joy and
stability to her life." Tai agreed. "Too bad about you not finding a guy to
go out with, though."
"Well, I wouldn't exactly say that." Mai gave Tai a devious grin; the one
that her sisters had termed 'The Smile'.
Tai began to shift uneasily. 'The Smile' was rarely unleashed, but when it
was, trouble usually followed.
Four voices, angrily crying out, "RANMA!" in concert, shattered the
silence. Tai looked fearfully at the museum, wondering what new hellish
monster had been unleashed within its halls. Mai, on the other hand, just
continued using 'The Smile'. Oh yes, the groundwork had been laid and the
bait set out. She hadn't been exactly untrue with Ranma. She personally
didn't think he was much to look at, and he certainly wasn't what she would
consider charming. (Especially with what Ukyou had told her when Mai was
impersonating Konatsu. Though considering how twisted the chef was, Mai
took it all with a grain of salt.) but there was some imperceptible quality
about him that called out to her (admittedly hard to catch) interest.
However, Mai was going to need time to think things through and learn what
the real Ranma Saotome was like before she decided if he was going to be
worth the hassle of pursuing or not.
Besides, Ranma had to pay for those derisive comments he had made about her
chest and femininity. All that was left to decide was in what form the
currency would take. If Mai decided she didn't like him, then it would be
in huge amounts of excessive pain and violence.
And if Mai decided she did like him, well, heh, heh, she'd find ways to
extract the toll from his body.
Either way, Mai Hashimoto would come out a winner.
As Ranma Saotome ran for his life through the halls of The Nerima Cursed
Museum of History, chased by four angry women wielding insanely powerful
cursed instruments of violence, he felt an all-too familiar sensation creep
up his spine and settle in for the duration; a sensation that had
absolutely nothing to do with the four women currently pursuing him.
"I can't believe I just picked up another one!" Ranma railed at the Fates
above. "It ain't fair, I'm telling you! It just ain't fair! And it's not my
fault, either!"
As Ranma continued running through the halls, resisting the overwhelming
urge to cry, he came to the conclusion that there was at least one constant
in the universe.
Some days it just didn't pay to get out of bed.
Epilogue
"What do you mean we don't graduate?"
"Yeah. You said if we recovered the Urn of CaoPatty, we'd graduate."
"And here it is. In a lot more pieces than it started out as, sure, but
it's there."
"It doesn't matter," Takeo said in his most authoritative voice as he sat
behind his desk and looked at the trio standing before him. There were in
his study, where he had decided to break the news to them. "Bringing back a
destroyed object does not count as a success. It's like bringing back a
dead defector you were supposed to rescue. Sure, you got him out of enemy
hands, but he doesn't really do you any good, now does he? You needed to
bring that urn back intact."
"But if we hadn't destroyed it, a demon would have taken over the world. We
couldn't let that happen. We wouldn't have graduated under those
circumstances either," Mai pointed out.
"Which is why I'm not failing you outright," Takao reluctantly admitted.
Fine, they had saved the world and he probably did owe them a debt of
gratitude, but he was damned if he would let them graduate if there was
even the slightest technicality he could catch them on.
"So what do we do now?" B.J. asked.
Damn. Takao had been hoping they would leave him a little more time.
Although once he thought about it, perhaps it was best to get this out of
the way. "You'll get a second chance at graduating." That set of words
practically had to be ripped out of his mouth.
"We do?" Tai asked.
"Yes. I have another mission for you." A smile blossomed under Takeo's
mask. Here was the best solution he could come up with. A very good one.
"You see, several centuries ago, our clan attempted to steal two magical
items from China. We successfully retrieved only one and quickly lost it
once the members of our clan returned to Japan. Recently, it has come to my
attention that the original owners of the items have managed to recover the
one we had originally stolen and have the set matched once again. Your
mission is to go to China and recover these two magical items for me. Do
it, and you will graduate. But you have to bring them back intact."
"Oh, is that all?" Mai said idly. "I was afraid it'd be something hard."
'This is great!" B.J. exclaimed. "I can pick up on what the current Chinese
fashions are."
Tai was looking in a mirror and applying some make-up as she asked, "So
what exactly are these magic items we're supposed to recover?"
"A magic ladle and pot. Their names are Chiisuiton and Kiifuiton, to be
specific," Takao explained. "They are currently in the possession of a
group calling itself the Musk Dynasty. You are to infiltrate their
fortress, retrieve the items, and return them to me."
"Yeah, yeah. No problem," B.J. said nonchalantly. "Just get our diplomas
ready, because the next time you see the Three Sexy Ninja Girls, we'll be
drinking tea from that pot you're so hot to get your hands on." All three
pumped their fists in the air and gave a battle cry.
Takeo could barely keep from laughing. The Musk Dynasty were among the most
dangerous beings in the world, their fortress was a giant death trap, and
they would guard those two magical items with their lives. The only thing
Takao would be making ready for his grandnieces was their funeral
arrangements.
Mai took command of the trio. "Three Sexy Ninja Girls, salute your sensei!"
All three saluted Takeo.
"DON'T SALUTE, YOU IDIOTS! BOW! BOW!"
With their hands still raised to their foreheads, all three girls blindly
bowed as one. Simultaneously, all three slammed their foreheads into the
edge of the desk, knocking two of them out instantly.
Only Tai was still awake, though barely. She managed to get out, "What a
sneaky trap, extending the edge of your desk like that in order to knock
people out when they bow," before slumping to the ground and joining her
sisters in unconsciousness.
Takao looked at their unconscious forms. After a moment of indecision, he
began crying and proceeded to slam his own head into the desk until he
joined them in unconsciousness as well.
Sometimes, it's never the end.
^_^
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Speical thanks again to:
Miashara
Jason Liao
Ryan Anderson
Jim Bader
Bloodblade
L. Ang
Christopher Horton
And Gary Kleppe, who is responsible for every use of the word 'ninjettes'
in this fic.