[An apartment somewhere on the north side of Chicago. The door opens and Ranma and Ryoga troop in, both still wearing tuxedos, although the bow-ties are undone. They both flop onto the orange couch.]

Ranma: Man, am I beat!

Ryoga: I never knew that doing award shows could be so *hard*! [He looks unhappily at his tux] And how am I gonna explain these bloodstains to the rental place?

Ranma: [Pulling off his bow-tie] I don't know and I don't care. Right now, I just want to get out of these clothes and into a hot bath and relaaaaax.

LaShawn: Sorry boys, can't let you do that.

[Both boys jump at the sound of her voice. She stands in the hall's doorway, clad in a bathrobe and a towel wrapped around her hair.]

Ranma: GAAAAH!!! Don't do that!

Ryoga: What do you mean we can't relax?

Ranma: We earned it after what you put us through! I'm never gonna look at Akane the same way again. I have never thought that far in our relationship, and now whenever she'll smile at me, I'll think about what she said at the show. I'll be branded a pervert by her for the rest of my life!

Ryoga: And just look at the stains on my tuxedo! They'll never come--[he suddenly registers what Ranma just said] HEY! What do you mean 'what she said at the show'? What she say to you? Answer me, Ranma!

Ranma: None of your business, pork brain.

Ryoga: I'm making it my business, you enemy of women!!!

Ranma: You wanna fight? I've been meaning to knock you out all day!

Ryoga: COME ON, THEN!!!

[They both lunge towards each other but are brought up short by a bathrobe being tossed between them.]

LaShawn: Not in my living room, you're not!!! I just cleaned this place up, and besides, my husband's asleep in the next room, and you're not about to wake him up.

Ranma: AUUUGGHHHH!!! MY EYES!!!! IT BURNS!!!!

Ryoga: PUT THE ROBE BACK ON!!! PUT THE ROBE BACK ON!!!

LaShawn: Not until you promise not to fight here.

Ranma: [sobbing] ANYTHING! PLEASE!!!

Ryoga: How can you do this to us? I thought you were a married woman! You should know better!

LaShawn: [frowning] My husband thinks it's cute. He was the one who got it for me.

Ryoga: Your husband is a very sick man, then.

Ranma: MAKE THE PAIN STOP!!!! PLEASE!!!

LaShawn: [offended] Fine! [She puts the robe back on] Happy?

Ranma: [shaking] T-thank you...thank you.

Ryoga: I never knew pajamas could be so...pink.

LaShawn: Well, Hello Kitty seem to be a huge fad in the Philippines. I think they're adorable. I'm going to get my niece one the next time I go over there. But that's not why you're here. [she goes over to the computer] I've decided to start the R&R Reviews again. In fact, I think I'll start it, oh, right now.

Ryoga: Huh? Now?

Ranma: What are you talking about? We just came back from the 1999 Chicken Ball Awards. You can't just expect us to turn around and start giving out reviews. Do you know how huge the fanfic backlog is?

LaShawn: [Typing on the computer] Who said anything about the fanfics yet? I meant you guys give R&R on the Awards!

Ranma & Ryoga: Whaaaaa---? [Their bodies fade from view]

LaShawn: Ah, it's good to be in business again.

[Cut to a TV studio set. It's rather plain looking with two chairs facing a lone camera. Behind the camera, a black woman looking suspiciously similar to LaShawn except that she's wearing sunglasses, jeans, and a t-shirt is paging through an "Ebony" magazine.]

T-bone: [Muttering to herself] Things will stay the same, she says. I won't forget you, she says. Stupid idiot's too busy boinking her husband now to write--

[With a loud thunderclap, Ranma and Ryoga appear in the chairs. Both are looking a little disoriented.]

T-bone: [shouts up to the ceiling] It's about dang time!!! [She focuses the camera] Long time no see, guys. You're up!

Ranma: Uhhh...welcome to R&R Reviews...I'm Ranma Saotome...and I think I'm going to be sick...

Ryoga: And I'm Ryoga Hibiki. It's good to be back doing reviews, though I have to say I'm a bit rusty.

Ranma: Hey...how come you...aren't...out of it? 'Scuse me...[grabs a bucket]

Ryoga: When it happens all the time, you get used to it. Anyway, The 1999 Chicken Ball Awards. Was it just me or was the Awards not as funny as the last one?

Ranma: HURRRRRAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH...

Ryoga: Yeah, that's what I thought too. Especially the ending...though I'm sure most of the staff feels the same way. Not to say that it wasn't entertaining, but the 97 Awards were definitely more crazy and wild than this year's.

Ranma: [wiping his mouth and putting away the bucket] That wasn't what I meant. I for one enjoyed this years awards.

Ryoga: Okay, I do admit there were some shining moments. Like the Best Fight Scene Award--or lack of Award. Then there was our own LaShawn Wanak's presentation...

T-bone: [offscreen] To be honest, I found her presentation a bit lacking. She could've done so much more, like, I don't know, maybe a musical number with the girls or something.

Ranma: [paling considerably] No, what she did was enough damage already. Ain't that right, Ryoga?

Ryoga: [gazing into space] Akane...Musical...

[Ranma waps Ryoga on the head. Hard.]

Ranma: Quit thinking about my fiancee, pervert! And speaking on musicals, I really enjoyed the Animaniacs Spoof. You can't say that wasn't zany.

Ryoga: Okay, yeah, I enjoyed that. The presentations were fun and quite creative. The best one only thing that irked me, though, was the Awards for the Most Underrated fic. I understand that all of the authors were great, but did you had to give the Award to *each one*? My finger got sore from hitting 'Page Down' before I got to the next presentation.

Ranma: You sure it wasn't sore from you sticking it up--

Ryoga: Watch it, Ranma. LaShawn's not here with her Hello Kitty pajamas to save you.

Ranma: Geez, calm down, man. I'm just joking with you. But yeah, I agree the Most Underrated Fic award was a pain. The ending was somewhat a let-down, too. I really wanted to see the Lurker get the Chicken Cannon.

Ryoga: It was a laugh to see Megane and Gary get theirs, though. Nice job on that. But the rest of the staff getting it? I thought they did a great job and didn't deserve to get canonized. Well, all of them except for Bastian. The bastard...

Ranma: You know, ever since the MTCFF Ultra fics, Hiroshi and Daisuke been getting sneakier. How weird. We'll have to watch ourselves around those two.

Ryoga: On the flip side, I think the best presentation was the Best Darkfic/Shockfic award. They chose a great presenter for that.

Ranma: Oh, that was gross! The best Award presentation was definitely the Sickest Fanfic Award, both the presentation and the acceptance speech. Quite disturbing. Quite funny. Kudos to Mousse, by the way, for helping us to take care of Dave Roeder. Any person who touches Akane like that must be insane.

Ryoga: Oh really? I can think of several instances where you do the exact thing, you pervert!

Ranma: Better me than you, pal!

Ryoga: Right now, then! I'll punch your lights out!!!

[They lunge towards each other and start beating each other up. Akane suddenly walks out and glares at them.]

Akane: I've never seen such a sorry pair in my life!

[Ranma and Ryoga freeze: Ranma with a fistful of Ryoga's hair, Ryoga with his hands around Ranma's throat.]

Ranma & Ryoga: AKANE?!?

Akane: Fighting over something like this. Did you think I would be flattered? No, I'm DISGUSTED!!! [She hefts a large mallet and whams it on Ranma's head.] That's for being a pervert, you pervert!

Ryoga: Akane...I-I can explain...I was defending your honor...

Akane: I can defend my own honor, thank you very much! [She slams the mallet on Ryoga's head] And this is for ogling me in your mind earlier!

[She stomps off the set while the boys hold their heads and groan.]

Ranma: Owwww....I think we're going to have to end the review here. You with me, Ryoga?

Ryoga: [gazing into space] Hello Kitties all around...all around...all around...Hello Kitties all around...my fair lady...[he slumps to the floor]

Ranma: My sentiments exactly. This is Ranma Saotome...wishing heee toooook that baaaathhhh...[he also slumps to the floor]

[The scene changes back to the apartment, where LaShawn is typing on her computer and chuckling. She suddenly notices that there's an audiences and swivels around to face them.]

LaShawn: Well, as you can see, I'm writing again! Yay! So that means that R&R Reviews will be back in business. I'll do my best to be more punctual. In the meantime, I'm sure some of you have forgotten the story I've been working on for, what, three years now? "Be it ever so humble...blah, blah, blah". I had shortened the title to Heart/Home some time ago. Well, believe it or not, I'm *still* writing it--it's just going very, very slow. But now that I have muscled for more space for the computer [she glances nervously to where her husband is sleeping] I plan to get things out more quickly. So I'll be doing some revising and reposting. Not all at once, of course, but enough to get you guys caught up. To be honest, it's getting to the point where I just want it to end, but a story's a story. You gotta run with it.

Well, it's way past my bedtime. Look for Heart/Home to come out starting next week.

[She shuts off the computer and walks out the room. After a few moments, her husband sneaks into the room with a hard drive and toolbox.]

LaShawn's husband: Heh, heh, heh. Just wait until I install this 40-gig drive. Then I'll be able to double-boot Windows 98 *and* Windows 2000! My computer will be invincible! Bwa-ha-ha!!!

[Fade out to the sound of drills...]
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LaShawn M. Wanak (shonnie@ync.net)
T-bone Enterprises * In Touch With Yours Truly
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