C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
(This copy is from the webpage.)
[...]
Ready? Let's do it!
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All The Small Things-Chapter 2
A Sailor Moon/Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
By: Slacker(r_heins@yahoo.com)
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Previously on our program:
[...]
Meanwhile, at the Tendo Dojo, Ranma had woken Nabiki up at 3 a.m. to ask her
help to "run away from home." (This is also known as a "hook".)
It's known as Out Of Character behavior. Although I'll
give you the benefit of the doubt that Ranma's reasons
will be explained in this chapter.
Now on with our fic!
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Tendo Dojo, 3 am, Nabiki's room.
Nabiki thought she was pretty much Unable to be shocked. She was wrong. The
fact that she was sitting there staring at Ranma without saying a word kinda
proved the point.
cap: unable
(Why did you capitalize this?)
"You need to 'run away from home'?" she asked, a bit incredulously.
"Yeah, basically," Ranma replied in a nonchalant voice.
"Why?"
"I got my reasons."
"Such as?"
"Such as they're my reasons, and I don't wanna share."
suggest: Such as, they're
(As written, it sounds like "Because they're my reasons...")
Nabiki got a bit pissed at _that_ response. So pissed she used what one of
her associates termed "The Voice." It was so cold you had to check for
icicles after she was done talking to you, and anyone who knew her was
terrified of it. "Ranma, you woke me up at 3 in the morning, let me stand
there butt-naked in the window, asked me to help you 'run away from home',
and you won't tell me your reasons for it? I don't think so. No reasons, no
help. Now get out and let me sleep."
gram: three in the morning
(Spell out short numbers.)
You never explained why Nabiki is sleeping "butt-naked,"
since she has perfectly good night clothes, I have to assume
it's some sort of Nabiki fan service. If so, it's not very
good fan service, since you're not describing anything. ;)
Ranma just sat there with an unusual look on his face.
"What? Didn't hear me? Don't get what I'm saying? I said get out!"
"What I say isn't to go beyond you, in any way, shape, or form. You will not
tell anyone, you will not let anyone find out. Agreed? Otherwise I figure
out a way to do it on my own. Take it or leave it." Ranma stated.
Nabiki: "I'll leave it." [closes window, knocking off Ranma]
Nabiki was going to try to bargain, until she looked into his eyes. He's
serious. He'd really just get up and leave. He's thought this out. When the
hell did he get that smart?
Huh? What do you mean, "he's thought this out?" There's no
evidence of that. (At this point, Nabiki knows nothing of
how Ranma drugged her family...)
There's absolutely NO reason why Nabiki should go along with
this. There's absolutely nothing in it for her. In fact, he's
precluding the possibility that she have any fun with this by
explicitly saying she can't tell anyone.
He's also making demands before Nabiki even knows what she's
negotiating for. This, combined with the fact that he's waking
her up in the middle of the night means that the answer I can
see Nabiki giving is "No."
If she's curious about what Ranma's planning, it's easy enough
for her to figure it out. In the morning, she can let it drop
that Ranma came into her room through the window while she was
naked, and told her that she "Couldn't tell anyone."
Soun, Genma, or Akane could then beat the truth out of him.
Or at the least, keep an eye on him and see what he's up to. ;)
"I agree." she said. And I hope I don't regret this.
"I'm blacking out."
gram: I've been blacking out.
(He's not passing out at the moment...)
Dead silence. Utterly and completely quiet.
"Excuse me, did you say, `I'm blacking out'?" Disbelief wasn't an adequate
word for what she was feeling.
gram: Excuse me. Did
gram: `I've been blacking out'
(By the way, you really don't need to use a ` for
the leading quote. Using ' for both is just fine.)
"Yes."
"'I'm blacking out.' And for this you woke me up at 3 am? Get out. I need my
sleep." Nabiki was feeling quite disgusted.
gram: three AM
(Spell out small numbers, and AM is capitalized)
"I'm serious. I'm blacking out at weird times. You remember last week? The
finals? How I had to stay after the Math test?" His voice was earnest,
almost pleading.
cap: math
"Yeah, I was running pools on just how badly you flunked it."
"I aced it. Hell! I corrected the test in three places!"
Only the most incompetent teacher could make a math test with
"mistakes" in three places. You're not making Ranma look smart,
you're making the teacher look dumb.
Suggest you delete this.
"You what?!"
"Got the second highest score in Japan. The highest was some girl in Juban.
They made me retake it, to make sure I didn't cheat." Some pride was evident
in his voice about his scores and some anger about them thinking he had
cheated.
What, now it's a standardized test given across all Japan?
Even less likely that there'd be any mistakes, let alone three.
Although I must say that making Ranma retake the test was a good
idea of the part of the testers. ^_^
"You didn't?" Nabiki asked. here's no way he got that without cheating.
gram: no way he could have gotten that
Hell, he couldn't have done it with cheating. I couldn't have done it
without cheating! And besides, he's always been too honorable to cheat.
Well, in school anyways. His fights are a different story.
Suggest you either move "I couldn't have done it without cheating!"
one line earlier, after "He couldn't have done it without cheating,"
or replace it with "I couldn't have done it with cheating!"
(The sentence should build on the previous one. Not only couldn't
Ranma, but *Nabiki* couldn't! But for the structure to work, what
Nabiki couldn't do has to be the same as what Ranma couldn't do.
Otherwise there's no parallel.)
And since when is Ranma honorable? He doesn't seem to have a
problem leaving his fiancee situation lingering. As you said,
he "cheats" in fights. He's stolen food on at least two occasions
getting himself into trouble completely independent of Genma.
He's got no problem tormenting Ryoga with his disguises and
constantly taunting him about his curse to Akane.
How exactly is he honorable? :j
suggest: And besides, he's too stupid to know how to cheat.
(He hasn't had any practice at scholastic cheating. He
probably thinks a crib sheet is what you put under the futon
for kids who wet the bed ;)
"NO!" Ranma yelled.
"Quiet! You want to wake everybody up?"
"That won't happen. A bomb could go off and no one would wake up. Trust me."
Ranma was still steamed about her question.
Akane: Ranma, what the hell are you doing to my sister!?!
"How do you know?"
"I added a few herbs to dinner." Ranma said with a shrug. "I doubt anybody
but Kasumi even noticed them."
"Then why aren't I asleep?"
"I hit a few pressure points that would counter-act the effects."
"Where did you learn how to do that?"
"Dr. Tofu showed me some stuff before he went to study in Shinjuku. And
Cologne has so many scrolls, she never notices when some are missing."
This is getting more and more and more out of character.
First of all, just say "sleeping powder." The stuff seems to
be common enough in Nerima. Kodachi, Ryoga, and Ranma have
all used it.
Secondly, why would *Kasumi* notice it?
Thirdly, what's the deal with the pressure points? Ranma
pro-actively went and got scrolls, and asked Tofu about this
stuff? If Ranma's that forward-thinking, he doesn't need
Nabiki's help at all!
It would be more appropriate for him to have simply put the
drugs in everyone's food but Nabiki's. He's agile enough to
do it without being seen, and what with the fights he's has
over food, no one would even notice anything amiss with his
hands near their dinner.
Of course, it would be even MORE appropriate for him to just
pull Nabiki aside, rather than drug the household...
Sorry, but I just can't read anymore of this. Ranma and
Nabiki simply aren't acting believably. Plus, this looks
like it's going in the same direction as countless other
Ranma fics have gone:
Ranma awakens to the great power that was sealed within
him, becomes smart and well-adjusted, deals with his fiancee
problems in a fell swoop (usually by dumping them all and
going out with the author's favorite character from another
series) tells off his old man, etc.
I don't know if your story is going in that direction, but
the awaking to new powers is already evident. He's suddenly
smarter than the group of experts who put together a
standardized test? He's comparable to Ami, even though *she*
has to study all the time to get her grades?
Super characters are BORING! There's just nothing to relate
to. Ranma, as powerful as he is now, still has to deal with
the harassment of his Father, fiancees, rivals, teachers, and
schoolmates. When those no longer become a problem (even with
no other power increases), he becomes uninteresting.
I'll admit that I haven't been completely fair to this fic.
After all, I gave up on it without reading it all. Maybe
it will turn out to be wonderful and interesting and fresh.
But it isn't now, and the fact is, even if I delete this,
there will be plenty of other fics for me to read on the list.
I hope you have better luck with your other readers,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"