Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> wrote:
Draft version.
All C&C is most welcome.
OK, here ya go. I'm certainly a lot happier to see a good fic like this on the
list than all the spam that's been going on recently.
The black outlines of the island loomed in the distance as
Umibouzu surged closer. It was a small spike of land built
up around an extinct volcano, the rocky crater rearing
prominently above the scattered clumps of trees. Jagged
rocks lined the scraggly beach, barely more than a thin
strip of glassy sand. The island was a welcome if
foreboding sight, but Ranma hardly gave it a glance.
Instead, all his attention was focused on the rolling ocean
behind him.
Where the great tenebrous form of the Ayakashi - Cardinal
Servant to Masakado, Demon Lord of the South - plowed
through the waves and bore down upon them.
I don't normally mind sentence fragments, but this one doesn't seem to fit.
Maybe 'The ocean, where the' Or 'In that ocean, the' or something.
The stench within the craw of the Great Devourer was even
worse: a putrescent malodor of rotting fish and flesh.
Ranma wrinkled his nose in disgust and held his breath.
Didn't Umibouzu ever brush his teeth? <You better know
whatcha doing, ya big lug!> he muttered mentally.
Suggest changing "big lug" to something else. It sounds too much like a term of
endearment.
It was cut short as Kodachi landed on his head with both
feet, driving him into the water again. Kodachi gracefully
somersaulted off him and made a pinpoint landing onto the
beach. "Oh dear, Ryoga-sama, are you hurt?" she asked,
spying him floating facedown.
Heh. Nice bit of slapstick.
The scream came from the rearing form of the Ayakashi,
undoubtedly upset at losing his prey. Ranma whistled
soundlessly as he finally caught a glimpse of sea monster's
of the sea monster's
"Get out of the way!" Ryoga yelled as he unslung and
slammed his heavy umbrella directly into the head of one of
the blobs. It sank deep, but failed to apparently harm the
gel-like being, which reformed its crushed head around the
re-formed, I think.
Cologne applauded the display of skill. One should always
appreciate such a high level of technique... even if it
could only be applied to watermelons.
"Happi-- Happosai taught you that one, did he not?"
Kuno turned and lowered his wooden practice sword. He
bowed in greeting. "Indeed, Elder." Tatewaki Kuno was not
inclined to engage in pointless courtesy, except with those
he favoured, but it paid well to be cautious around the
ancient and powerful. Happosai had taught him that as well.
Hm? Wasn't that the technique he learned on that island where he lost his
memory? Am I forgetting something? I don't remember Kuno ever training under
Happosai, either in the manga or in this series.
"Hmph." Akane casually lopped off a few heads of
vegetation, then returned the katana to scabbard and
to its scabbard
Nabiki Tendo was brooding. To put it properly, she was
sulking, but she preferred the term brooding, since it
implied she was actually thinking about a method to resolve
her problem. Namely, she was in the presence of a veritable
hoard of treasure that she could not trade, sell, use,
exchange, auction, market, barter, or peddle. Not with a
hideous troll mummy perusing and guarding it.
Double noun here. Suggest dropping the "mummy." I mean, be fair; Cologne's never
been known to wrap herself in tape. :)
The trees opened up suddenly into a large clearing before
the mountainside, a steep rocky face that extended into the
air towards a distant craterous peak. Ranma did not bother
looking, all his senses were focused on the figure seated
looking; all
Ranma's senses screamed out that this was the source of
the energy he had felt earlier. Akane touched his arm, and
he acknowledged her unspoken query with a nod. It seemed an
obvious trap; only a complete fool would--
"Hello!" Ryoga called out. "Are you lost?"
Heh.
"Kasumi-sama, I was wondering if you would like a hand
with dinner preparations?" Konatsu asked deferentially. The
Kuno family chefs had found themselves agreeably sharing
their most holy of places - their kitchen - with the
cheerful eldest Tendo daughter without much ado, and she
The with/without is a little awkward here; suggest you reword somehow.
Konatsu bowed in appreciation of watching a master at
work, for Kasumi was undoubtedly a true mistress of her
Again, the master/mistress repetition is awkward. Perhaps change one of them to
"expert."
Ranma followed the red-haired girl who called herself
Moeru and Seiryu's avatar down the steep descending tunnel.
This makes it sound like they're following two different people. Might want to
reword.
"Aiyah," Shampoo said quietly, sounding a little shaken.
"Is huge...."
"You got that right, Sugar," Ukyo muttered, obviously
I don't think "sugar" should be capitalized; it's more of a description than a
name. (Also, technically, "Aiya" shouldn't have an "h.")
attempting brashness, but her words fell flat in the dead
silence of the cavern. "Remind me why I came along with
you, Ranchan."
RANMA: Well, you still have this stupid idea that I might decide to marry you,
and so you....
UKYO: Oh yeah.
"Ranma-sama, do you know the old gaijin saying about
letting sleeping dragons lie, lest they awaken?" Kodachi
whispered softly.
RANMA: Um... no. How does it go?
KODACHI: ....
Looks good. Keep 'em coming!
Gary