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Ranma 1/2 Spamfic: A Man Among Men
by Jack Staik
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Ryoga stumbled through the streets, until he found the gate
and the signs: 'Tendo Dojo of Anything Goes Martial Arts'
and 'To Defeat Owner in Savage Combat, Use Rear Door.'
"Savage combat - heh heh heh. Oh yes, savage combat." Ryoga
cracked his knuckles. "Now, we'll see who the *real* 'man
among men' is around here!"
He stomped up to the front door and was about to knock, but
Kasumi opened it before his hand landed. He wondered why she
was in a formal kimono.
"OH! Hello, Ryoga! I'm sorry you missed the ceremony."
Ryoga looked confused. "'Ceremony'?"
"Yes. It was lovely. And Ranma wanted you to be best man,
too."
"'Best man'?? 'Ranma'??" Ryoga's heart started missing
beats. [Oh please no gods no no no -]
"Yes. And Akane was such a *lovely* bride."
*CRACK!!!*
Kasumi looked around. "What was that noise?"
[My heart of glass breaking ...] "Nothing important."
"Well, the reception is still going. Will you want to pay
your respects?"
Ryoga hesitated, then nodded. "Might as well." [Damn him he
won if he hurts her I'll kill him dead might do it anyway.]
Kasumi was right; Akane was a beautiful bride in her
western-style wedding gown. And the radiant smile she wore
was even more beautiful.
Ranma was friendly, not condescending to Ryoga (but he did
whisper about a certain piglet being sent to the vet's for
'fixing' if he ever showed up again). Akane was friendly and
sweet, even to Ranma.
Ryoga picked out Ukyo, Kodachi, and Shampoo seated behind a
long table along with Nabiki, all glaring sullenly at
another girl. Ryoga didn't recognize the girl in the pink
pinafore with the long chestnut hair, but she was cute.
[What the hell's going on?? What happened?? Why didn't any
of them stop it??]
A gong was rung to get everyone's attention as the
ceremonial wedding cask was wheeled out. Ryoga felt himself
and the Fiancee Brigade wince as the happy couple broke the
cask open.
Ranma scooped out the first cup of sake and raised it on
high. "I would like to toast the man who made it possible
for me to marry my Akane-chan - the man who persuaded my
other fiancees to be engaged to him instead. A true Man
Among Men, and my pal - Tsubasa Kurenai!"
The cute girl in the pink pinafore stood and bowed.
Ryoga was stunned. ['Man Among Men'??]
Ryoga crossed through the crowd to the table where Tsubasa
and the girls sat. "Hi. You Tsubasa Kurenai?"
The 'girl' smiled cutely and nodded. "Pleased to meet you."
Ryoga looked confused. "I thought Ranma said you were a
guy."
"I *am* a guy!" Tsubasa said defiantly. "I just like to
dress like this."
Ryoga thought this guy sounded like a loop, but around Ranma
that was normal. He turned to the girls, still glaring at
him. "*This* guy persuaded all three of *you* to be engaged
to him instead of Ranma??"
"Four," Nabiki corrected.
Ryoga facefaulted.
"But - but - how - him -" he asked as clearly as he could.
All four girls blushed.
"Shampoo drunk," the Amazon said.
"He was disguised as Ranma," Ukyo said.
"I must have been temporarily insane," Kodachi snarled.
Nabiki shrugged. "I'm honest enough to say that I have no
idea."
"It's not like we have a choice," Ukyo said. "Anyone want
some punch?"
The other three nodded, and all four groaned as they got up
from the table, their bulging bellies making them waddle.
Ryoga stared at Tsubasa, who just shrugged and smiled,
looking for all the world like a cute young girl.
"Hey, Ryoga!" Ranma said, he and Akane coming up behind the
Lost Boy. "I see you've met my pal Tsubasa."
"Uh - yeah ..." Ryoga said, still dazed. He took Ranma's
shoulders and shook him, begging "What the hell is going
on?!?"
Ranma scratched his head. "I'm not sure. All I know is that
suddenly Tsubasa landed all the fiancees and Nabiki, and
Akane was asking me to marry her."
"*Akane* asked you?!?" Ryoga said.
Akane nodded. "Yeah. I did." She blushed. "Tsubasa tried to
seduce me - and he almost did, too. But at the last second I
realized I loved Ranma too much to give myself to another
man." She looked with adoration at her husband. "So I put my
clothes back on and raced home and confessed everything to
Ranma and begged him to marry me."
Ryoga peered closely at the short transvestite. "HOW???" he
pleaded.
Tsubasa shrugged. "What can I say?"
Ryoga went to the sake cask and poured half it's contents
down his throat.
"No Akane to take widdle P-Chan to bed ..." he mumbled. "No
Ukyo to plan the breakup of Ranma with ... No more games of
'Tie Up The Gymnast' with Kodachi ... all because of that
little ... HENTAI!!"
With a roar, Ryoga pulled out his umbrella and charged
straight at Tsubasa, intending to brain the little deviant.
A second umbrella deflected Ryoga's strike.
"DON'T YOU DARE HURT MY TUSBASA-CHAN!!" the defender said.
Ryoga looked at the tall woman with the umbrella in one hand
and an infant in the other.
"MOM?!?" he squealed in disbelief.
"Hiya, sweetie," Tsubasa said, embracing the older woman and
kissing her on the lips. "How's my favorite home tutor?" he
asked, playfully swatting her behind, making her giggle.
Ryoga slumped to the floor. "I wanna die - I wanna die - I
wanna die -" he kept mumbling.
Ranma nodded. "That's *exactly* how I felt."
Ryoga looked at his mother and the infant, and at Tsubasa.
"HOW?!? In the name of All the Gods - HOW?!?"
Tsubasa smiled his most kawaii smile and tossed his hair
over his shoulder in an utterly feminine manner. "I'm a
stud. Live with it."