Hm ... okay.  I have some thoughts about this, but before I voice any of them, bear in mind that I am not a great writer.  Also, I'm bearing in mind as I write this that the Scriviner himself was a part of this rendition.

Ahem.  This fic sounds like it was written by an Asuka fan.  No offense to anyone, but in my experience one can tell from the way events are either flowed through or prolonged or not at all what kind of writer was writing the fic.  Now, there's a good chance I'm wrong in this case (again, since the Scriviner was a part of this), but it feels ... cheesy ... corny ... overly WAFF to the point of sappiness.  Granted, for me, that's diffictult to avoid, but in the end, if I were to sum up my thoughts in one sentence, I would say this: "If it ain't broken, don't fix it."  In other words, I liked the original Scriviner's version better than this rendition.  It left specific ideas in a vague manner so that the abstract thoughts in a reader's head could come together to form a feeling, and this version blatantly spells out what's happening, cheapening the feel altogether.

Again, this is just me, and I'm a person who hates to have anything cheapened.  Fanfiction is one of these things.  Still, I'm sure some Rei-heads would like this fic, since it is something a reader does not find a lot of in fanfiction.

I encourage having the Scriviner go over it and change it accordingly.  Still, the original was fine as it was, and I gave a review of it on my site:  http://members.xoom.com/yaanathn

Thank you for your past and continuing effort.

- Jonathan
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