He put his fingers up into a 'V' formation. "Ukyou, there are two
things I never joke about. One is money, and the other is love. I
Er... this is Nabiki, right? She does joke about love, and rather
cruelly, during the series. Like when she was pretending to be
Ranma's fiancee.
This is also a different Nabiki. People grow up; Nabiki just did a
pretty good amount of growing up in China, not to mention her handling
of Ranma and Akane before leaving.
That's fair, but since she did a lot of her growing-up offscreen, I'd
suggest maybe a different handling of this. Maybe a certain degree
of self-awareness has slipped in here, so when Ukyou suspects
she's trying to pull one over, she's hurt at first. "I guess you have
every right to think I'm messing with your head." That sort of thing.
Maybe it's "There are two things I've vowed to never joke about
again."
Perhaps that would convey what you're trying to establish about
Nabiki's character a little more clearly.
So... for the moment, she called this room home. She could hide here
for a few hours, wait for Mr. Tendo to grow tired, then... then grab
Akane and go. At least, that sounded about right. The Tendo place was
persona no grata for her - at least, until she was sure Mr. Tendo
didn't have any Jusenkyo water.
"Really?" Ranma arched an eyebrow. "Well, at the moment, I happen to
feel *very* feminine. Maybe it's just me being in the presence of such
a hunky guy..." She reached up, and kissed him playfully on the cheek.
"Shall we see what this combination brings?"
I know you're going for the feel that love isn't governed by what's
outside but by what's inside (different from your "Iris" approach),
but I still wasn't convinced by the way Ranma approached this.
Even as far as she's gone through this story, for Ranma to say
she's turned on by a "hunky guy" doesn't work for me. I'm more
partial to the "it's still Akane on the inside" approach. After all,
you've made it clear that Ranma isn't attracted to men in spite
of the change. The jump is too sudden for me.
Um... you did read the preceding scene, right?
Give me some credit here, Nick. Of course I read it.
The reason why Ranma ends up in this situation is because, all of a
sudden, Akane is cursed. Ranma's been there. She knows that she needs
to act IMMEDIATELY, before Akane does herself some serious psychological
damage. Ranma has to make it so that Akane has a chance to look at her
male form objectively, without the biases of seventeen years of life as
a woman. The only way for her to do that is to show that she accepts
Akane as a man WITHOUT RESERVATION. Even then, she takes some time to
question, as much as she dares, before showing her acceptance with a
kiss, at which point she does give the 'it's Akane on the inside'
conclusion. Urgency is the feel of most of that scene, as Ranma fires
orders at Ukyou, then at Akane, in an effort to save Akane from a lot of
hurt.
This scene, with its 'hunky guy' statement, is several hours after -
three, to be precise. They're together. The situation has relaxed;
Akane, with some help from Ranma, has gotten accustomed to being a man.
The operative word, given above, is 'playfully'. Couples play together;
they toss little words and sweet nothings and private jokes at each
other, and occasionally play roles they normally wouldn't. Just because
Ranma calls Akane a 'hunky guy' does not mean that Ranma's going to go
chasing after Kunou or Ryouga. It's 'play'; I even go so far as to
describe Ranma's actions as such. The scene shouldn't be treated like
angst central.
I understand what you were trying to do. My feeling about it, however,
was that it was too much too quickly - yes, in spite of all they've gone
through in the previous chapters. Couples do play together. But that
kind of play requires a level of trust and comfort which can only come
over time. In spite of what you say about Ranma having been there
before, I didn't feel like there was enough time to build that kind of ease
between them given the dramatic nature of Akane's condition.
I do realize what you're trying to convey here, and I respect that your
defense of your writing, but I'm afraid it simply didn't come across to
me the way you intended it to. If that's worth anything to you as a
writer, then that's good. If it's simply a case of "Well, I guess you can't
please everbody," then that's fine as well.
Akane licked her lips nervously. "Well... okay." She crossed her
arms over her chest, trying to shield herself as much as she could.
--
The fidgeting stopped. "It was a rush! I mean, I'm pretty strong
when I'm myself, but when I changed... I was a monster! Part of me
wanted to go rush off and fight Ryouga, just to see how strong I was."
She shook her head; her eyes glittered with amazement. "I... it was
like a part of me that had been held back was let free. I didn't have
to be demure, I didn't have to be polite... I could be me - the real
me." She looked down. "And... I want to be free again like that -
whenever I want to be."
I've enjoyed this series up to this point - it started out very fresh
and interesting, and along the way had more hits than misses
overall (within the context of Leifker-style writing, where certain
allowances must be made), but I am sorry to say that this part
didn't work for me at all.
It's too easy for Akane. Ranma has been struggling through all
manner of torture, not only for the length of this tale but (according
to the premise of "Clothes") the entire original series. You've done
a fine job of putting Ranma through the psychological wringer and
illustrating the path by which he became, inside as well as out,
more of a she.
And now here comes Akane, and in the course of one evening
she breezes through the same kind of metamorphosis. Nabiki,
for that matter, has adjusted rather quickly as well.
One might interpret this as being profoundly sexist, though I
doubt you meant it that way. Nonetheless, it would not be hard
to read this as follows: for a man to want to be a woman is a
big challenge, but it's much easier for a woman to want to be
a man. Even if you don't intend to give such a message, the
way you have written this ending suggests it very strongly. Look
at her reasoning here - "I'm bigger and stronger! It feels better!"
She and Nabiki both are gassed on the idea of more freedom.
The message? "It sucks to be a woman, being a man is so
much better." Do you see what I'm trying to point out here?
I know perfectly well that it's not what you're trying to say. But
think about it.
You're assuming that one argument totally refutes the other - a hasty
conclusion at best. Moreover, the conclusion does a remarkable job of
ignoring everything Akane's been through in the previous eleven
chapters.
Perhaps you've had different experiences than I have. In my
experience, watching someone else go through a difficult time
does not make it that much easier to experience the same sort
of trauma yourself. Psychologists have mental breakdowns.
Doctors go through the same phases of denial and anger when
they get cancer. Someone who assists disabled people all their
life still has a hell of an adjustment to endure if they wind up in
a wheelchair. They may be able to identify the hardships they're
enduring with more clarity, but they still have to have those
experiences themselves.
(Yes, these are all hardships, while a Jusenkyou curse is a
bit more ambiguous, providing benefits as well as drawbacks,
unless you happen to turn into a pig. Nonetheless, it seems
a fairly workable analogy to the kind of major life change which
such a curse would entail, taking that difference of degree into
account.)
Akane shortcuts the journey that Ranma had to endure. I realize
you justify that by saying that Ranma has already blazed the
trail for her. I don't doubt for a second he could make it easier
for her to figure things out for herself by dint of his experience.
But not so quickly. Not so easily. Not to the point that in a single
evening she WANTS a curse.
A synthesis: Gender is a limiting factor. It forces behavioral
strictures on us, causing us to limit the way we express ourselves. By
breaking beyond gender, a person discovers a greater degree of freedom -
and, ultimately, a greater amount of happiness.
You also know that it's one of the most important foundations of
our very identity. I simply did not feel that Akane would so easily
discard her old identity in favor of a new, improved one. The past
chapters of "Clothes" have shown that you've done some quality
research on trans-gendered persons. Your knowledge of the matter
probably eclipses mine. Perhaps you know of some cases in
which the revelation and acceptance happened so quickly.
And maybe there's a way you can write that more clearly, without the
sexist undertone which I picked up on. It took Ranma a long, long
time to find the good in being a woman. For Akane, the good in
being a man becomes clear, literally, overnight.
And frankly, even setting that aside, it just seems cheap. Why
does Akane get off so easily? How can we jump so quickly into
a happily-ever-after? It diminishes the struggle that Ranma
endured by having Akane come through it all so easily, so
quickly. I really think it undermines everything you were trying
to achieve with the rest of this story.
Akane doesn't get off easy. She possibly gets off easier than Ranma,
largely because of Ranma's influence; however, she doesn't get off easy
- nowhere near.
How often did she question becoming a lesbian in the earlier chapters?
Akane gets off easier in terms of changing into a man for one simple
reason: She took a similar course in angsting. While Ranma explored
gender directly, Akane was taking a similar course - sexuality. She
questioned who she was at a profoundly deep level - and found the
answers she was looking for by accepting that she could love a woman.
You know that's not the same thing as being a trans-gendered person,
though. Being gay and being trans-gendered are two very different
paths.
In other words, she went beyond the rules that she felt society had
imposed on her, and broke those barriers that kept her mentally from
accepting that she could love a woman. Ranma's actions in Ukyou's room
distracted her (well, him at that moment) from being overwhelmed by
similar barriers, allowing him to view more objectively what changes had
occurred to him.
Going on, she still has some doubts. In the last scene before the
epilogue (in other words, once she's had time to view all the events
objectively), she voices a few of them to Kasumi and Soun. But, at the
same time, she also has come to the conclusion that, in order for her to
be a more complete person, she needs to explore this side of herself
released when she becomes a man.
Well, since there are no Jusenkyou curses in real life, it is certainly
open to intrepretation of how the change would affect a person, and
whether they would find it to be liberating or not. The biggest problem
I have is that the entire back-history of "Clothes" indicates that the
journey of acceptance is extremely torturous and difficult, so you've
established a framework for interpretation within the context of the
story. And then, it seemed to me that you simply trampled over that
framework with Akane's one-chapter miracle. Even taking into account
Ranma's help. Even taking into account her experiences in helping
Ranma go through his ordeal, and her own crisis of sexuality.
I'm sorry. That's very harsh. But this is not the sort of ending
I would have liked to see for what is otherwise a very good story.
Quite all right. I do hope you don't mind if my responses are equally
harsh?
I expected your defense of the way you wrote things to be as articulate
and heartfelt as it has been. There isn't a "right" or "wrong" about this -
it's fiction.
One of the difficulties in writing (actually, in any kind of communication)
is conveying what we mean to say. In a given situation, I may think I'm
being perfectly clear on something. I find it valuable when someone tells
me that, in spite of my intention, I sent them a completely different
message than the one I tried to send. It helps me to re-think the way
I express myself, and often to re-think what I was trying to say in the
first place.
If you find such things valuable as well, then this sort of C&C will be
worthwhile, even if you ultimately disagree with it. Believe me, I am not
so naive to expect you to say "Well, guess I'd better re-write that chapter
now!" after my brilliant and insightful analysis.
"A lesbian relationship, Daddy." Nabiki spoke evenly. "Call it what
it is."
"- the worse off they would be." Father took a sip of his tea.
"Besides, Ranma - the old Ranma - would have wanted it that way."
I can live with this interpretation of Soun, though I don't necessarily
like it. Homophobia pulls weird strings in people, I'll grant you that
without reservation. But this IS the same man who was willing to
hold a marraige ceremony between Ranma and a duck. He seems
rather flexible in that way.
But that was still a male Ranma. A guy who could carry on the school
was still part of the package deal.
But the question of an heir would be rather tricky, wouldn't it?
No don't worry about this one. I've seen the sort of crap people
do to themselves when they are faced with homophobia. It
boggles the mind. Soun's reaction is well within the realm of
plausibility.
Well.
Like I said, I had doubts about this last chapter. The reason why was
because the *feel* of it was different, overall. We actually tried to
inject some humor into this - not a comic amount, like "Girl Days", but
just a few typical humorous comments like you'd find in day-to-day
life. The Ranma cast develop a bit of a sense of humor in this one. A
lot of people loved it; a few, though, were thrown off-guard, resulting
in misunderstandings (such as the 'hunky guy' bit, above).
Humor is hit-and-miss by nature. For instance, if I were to try to write
a funny scene in the context of that last chapter, it would be between
Ranma and Nodoka. I'd have played up Nodoka's droolings over Akane's
manliness, to the point that Ranma gets jealous. "Oh, Akane is more
manly than even YOU were, son." "Mom!" I find Ranma's ultra-competitive
nature to be his most entertaining trait. But I doubt it would have fit into
your style of storytelling.
Fact is, we wanted an ending that people could smile at. If we had the
cast in full-angst mode for the end like we did in a couple of chapters
here, it wouldn't have been as effective. While life is about difficult
happenings (and we give some of that struggle here), it is also about
love and laughter and happiness. In other words, we tried to balance
the scales a little. For most people, that worked; for a few, it
didn't.
"The Few, the Proud, the Argumentative."
I applaud your intent to bring about a happy - or at least balanced -
ending. It's a shame that it didn't work for me, but that's how it
goes.
Anyway, thanks for your comments. Nothing quite like a bit of
controversy to spice up a Monday evening...
-- Nick
I prefer a strong cup of ginger tea myself. But in a pinch, some
controversy will do.
Take care,
Grayson Towler
http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless