Nice, a fic from Shampoo's perspective. Since Shampoo is my one of my
favorite characters, I'll be following this.
On 25 Apr 2000, Ammadeau wrote:
Shampoo sat in her room, pondering.
But was she pondering what I am pondering? ^_^
She had been taught and
had always succeeded with simply reacting immediately to any
situation.
I think there's a slight error here, namely a change of tense. I think
'She had been taught to react immediately to any situation, and had always
suceeded.' works around it.
Thinking in combat wasted precious time and left you
open to your enemy. When great-grandmother ask her to do
something, she do. When new challenger challenge her, she fight.
When stupid Mousse bothered her, she knock him silly.
Okay, here's a question. Do you honestly think Shampoo is stupid? If the
answer is yes, you're going to have to modify all her thoughts to read
like this. If not (which is my opinion), then you're going to have to
change this around, since she probably doesn't think like this.
Mind you, dialouge is fine. But thoughts are something different.
categories, the things that mattered most to men, or at least to most
men.
I'd take out the first 'most'.
Shampoo preferred to make her presence known as loudly
as possible, usually by knocking down a wall or two.
Or three. Never four, though. Shampoo once took a writing class, and
learned to never break the fourth wall.
From her perch in a tree, she could see right into the Tendo
living room quite clearly. Mr. Tendo was playing shogi with the
fat panda while Kasumi was moving about the house, cleaning.
Shampoo frowned a bit, seeing this. As the woman of the house, it
should have been Kasumi who was taking it easy, or perhaps
training, while the men did the work as was their duty. Shampoo
shook her head sadly at the backwards customs of the Japanese.
^_^
Then came the moment she had been waiting for. Ranma
came home with Akane. Both were shouting too fast for Shampoo
to make out clearly,
...to make out the words clearly,
(unless there is some phantom nookie going on)
"Hmm, Shampoo think violent girl like girl-arien better
than boy-arien," she muttered to herself.
Will...not...think...lemon...Will...not...think...
"This need further study," Shampoo whispered to herself.
However, since she looked like a cat, the words came out "mrowow, owww?"
And so at random times, but times that she figured Ranma
would be home, Shampoo went and spied on the Tendo house the
entire week.
Er, I think 'for an entire week' is more correct, though why that might
be, I can't say. I feel that way, though. Maybe it's a result of my
writing style.
It might be because your subject is 'random times', and you seem to
qualify, not encapsulate at the end of the sentence. But the way you have
it seems okay in the context of the sentence.
With a great show of casualness, Shampoo greeted Kasumi
as the older girl had just begun her shopping for the day. Shampoo
immediately realized that not only was this an opportunity to find
out how Kasumi felt about Ranma, but also those qualities in the
older girl that prompted his instant respect.
Wait. Didn't Shampoo plan this meeting? So, why would she only
'immediately' realize this fact after they'd met?
If Kasumi thought it odd for the Amazon to inquire about
her, she made no sign of it. "Oh, yes. I have to get some
ingredients for dinner, and tomorrow's breakfast and lunch. Not to
mention for the bentos of Akane, Nabiki, and Ranma."
I believe that there's technically no plural form of Japanese words. So,
it would be '...for the bento of...' Of course, I realize that
translations between different languages may vary, but since you're using
a Japanese word here...
You could also just say '...for the lunches of...'
So together they shopped, Shampoo buying things nearly at
random for appearance's sake, Kasumi offering helpful suggestions
along the way. She was sure that if worst came to worst she could
blame them on Mousse.
^_^
I like Shampoo. I don't like Mousse.
Shampoo nodded absently, lost in thought. Somewhere
behind her eyes an understanding was slowly being reached, and a
plan was beginning to form.
And thus it begins.
The remainder of her free time was either spent in her
intense new training regimen or observing Ranma from afar.
Heh. Kasumiken. ^_^
Oh my, I just thought of an odd idea. Of course, once the other fiancees
make the same realization, they convert as well. And Ranma, as
competitive as he is, also trains in this new art. His opponents, not
wishing to be outdone by Ranma, train in this new art. Soon, others in
Nerima decide to follow this new fad. etc...
It took Ranma a few moments to understand what Shampoo
was asking, but eventually he replied, "Yeah, sure, I guess I don't
see a problem with it."
Akane frowned, wondering what Shampoo was up to, but
said nothing. She was going to keep a close eye on Amazon,
however.
Heh heh. Akane's right in thinking that it's a plot, even if she's
can't believe that that plan is.
-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble. A few more shots, then
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode. Ducking around a corner,
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of
my Anime supplier.
One look at his face and I knew that I had been betrayed. "Tell me,"
I insisted. He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance. Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao," he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...