Andrew Dynon wrote:
<snip>
Yes, of course rushing a fic is something that should be avoided if at all
possible, and, after I looked over it again, I was also less than satisfied
with the way this turned out - I probably will revise it. Any suggestions
on how it could be improved?
________________________________________________________________
Andrew Dynon
My first suggestion would be to develop your main characters more. Since
they are new characters, we know nothing about them, and so have little
attachment to them. Expand your number of secondary characters beyond
Ensign Li until you have five or six total characters, or even more if
you like.
>From that point, build up the attack in their minds by showing them
training for this mission over a period of a few weeks. Show the
characters relaxing (or not) after each training run. Perhaps hint at a
romantic angle between Cathy and Justin (or maybe that Justin *wants* to
have something romantic between them). This will give you opportunities
to show off each character's personality, his feelings about the war,
and the coming fight, building an empathy with your readers. That way
it'll hurt more when you slaughter them like sheep...
My other suggestion would be to avoid a passive assessment of the
Federation's incompetence. Show us Federation officers addressing the MS
pilots before the attack, assuring them of the Zeon forces' weakness,
and of the superior fighting abilities of the GM suits and the firepower
of the Federation fleet which will be providing the initial bombardment.
Have them really butter up the troops. Then have the bombardment fail.
<- As an example, the D-Day invasion of Omaha Beach was to be preceeded
by a massive naval gun bombardment as well as high level bombing by
B-24s and B-17s. Unfortunately, the weather was bad, and the bombers
missed their targets, dropping their bombs well inland of the beach and
depriving the invading troops of sheltering bomb craters - as well as
not inflicting any casualties against the Germans. The result was a
massacre of the first and second waves of infantry who hit the beach,
and an attack that was stalled for most of the critical first day.
You could have the Zeon Mobile Suits wait until the Feds are just
hitting the shoal area before opening up on them, allowing the Feds to
become overconfident, and believe their generals' talk of a cake-walk.
Then you hit them with a total ambush!
Finally, don't allow your surviving characters to just fly away when
things look bad. The blokes on Gallipoli didn't have that option, and
the fear of Rik Doms and perhaps some kind of gun emplacement (or a Zeon
ship anchored against an asteroid) could keep them pinned down and
scared shitless. Showing the character's fear is just as important as
their anguish over the deaths of their friends.
I hope this helps,
Jamie
--
"I choose you - PIKASPEW!!!"
Jamie to 2 month old daughter Madeline,
shortly after being spat up upon...
_______________________________________________
Come and see the fanfics and food of
Bridget and Jamie Wilde!
wildeman@psn.net
http://www.psn.net/~wildeman/