My comments##
Everything is In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful and ignore the rest.
From:
"AnoAnime .Com" <seekernba@hotmail.com> |
Block
address
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Subject:
[FFML] [fanfic][Ranma][Comedy]Cupid, Chapter 1
Date:
Mon, 24 Apr 2000 08:33:36 PDT
<SNIP>
Disclaimer:........well DUH. You all know the drill.
## It's really only polite to give credit
to the original author.
AnoAnime.Com
http://cafe-lain.net/AnoAnime.Com
Copyright 2000...whatever.
_________________________________
CUPID:::PASSAGES
So begins an epic tale...
Where a single being shall affect the lives of the
many,
And warp the landscape of the planet called Earth.
He shall do his deeds, and learn lessons that will
expand his
intelligence
twenty-fold.
One lesson is that...
Humans are difficult to deal with.
##Interesting.
Part 1: Honorbound
Two men float between the dimly lit sky and the black
borders of space,
overlooking the surface of the earth. The men look
and dress
considerably
different from one another, with the most noticeable
difference being
their
height and age. One is a silver-haired man, towering
at 6'7. The boy
is
dwarfed by him, measuring at a mere 5'4.
Oh, and by the way?
The smaller guy looks like Ranma. ^_^
The silver-haired man looks impatiently to the kid,
his face knotting
together to emphasize the emotion.
##You're not giving the reader much to work with.
For instance::
1) The men look and dress considerably different from
one another,
with the most noticeable difference being their height
and age.
##You've used "different" twice. Also, other than
that you're
not really _showing_ the difference.
2) One is a silver-haired man, towering at 6'7. The
boy
is dwarfed by him, measuring at a mere 5'4.
##Listing "differences" isn't very esthetically
pleasing.
Try to paint a word picture of your characters.
3) Oh, and by the way?
The smaller guy looks like Ranma. ^_^
##Ummm, this is very jarring. It takes the reader out
of the
story. By having the "narrator" suddenly start talking
directly to the reader it takes them out of the story.
It would be much better to describe the "smaller guy"
in such a manner that the reader can draw his own
conclusions.
Man: Neal...
The kid, Neal, turns to the other, giving him a
frustrated look.
Neal: Yes, Serinus?
You could say that Neal didn't really address the
older man, Serinus,
with the tone of respect you and I are used to.
Rather, he regards him
with an almost resentful tone. Serinus sees this, but
gives no retort.
He ignores it instead, and gives a simple reply.
## Script type formatting doesn't allow the writer to
take full
advantage of the medium. It's rather stilted and
predictable.
Again, the dialogue and descriptive passages are too
simplistic.
Example::
"Neal."
The Ranmaesque figure turned insolently
toward his older companion.
"Yes, Serinus?" he replied with mock sincerity.
Serinus elected to ignore, for the moment, Neal's
manner.
##This is NOT the only way to do this.
However, by integrating dialogue and action
the same scene may be presented in a much more
compact and natural manner.
Note that Ranmaesque, while not standard English,
should be recognizable to most readers as meaning
"Ranma like". This allows the writer to avoid having
to
go into descriptive detail, yet still provide the
reader
with a "feel" for the character.
<SNIP>
##Overall:: This story was very difficult to read
due to the script type formatting. However the
author has the primary requisite for being a writer,
stamina. ^_^
I will make the following suggestions:
1) Go to a prose style throughout.
2) Re-name your new characters. There are on-line
dictionaries that provide names in hundreds or
thousands of different languages. Names are
very important in setting the tone of the story.
One name that seems odd or out of place can
jar the reader out of the story.
3)The story, as written, provides valuable author
notes
and can be used as a guide for a re-write. Go back
through and _edit_ what is written. Try to
visualize what your characters are doing in each
situation. What is their body language, tone of voice?
What is going on in the background?
Draw sketches where necessary to keep track of where
people are, how building , roads, and rooms are
arranged and how your characters are moving through
and in them.
Once you have this picture in mind, describe it in
words. Make copious use of your thesaurus to find
just the right word. Play with different ways of
describing a scene or writing a piece of dialogue
until you find just the right one.
You have the outline of an interesting story.
Take what you have done and refine it.
And keep writing. And writing, And writing.
That's the real secret. Write, and write and write.
Also, learn to read critically. While you are reading,
learn to look at it like a writer. What do you like
and why. What do you dis-like about the piece you are
reading and why.
Apply what you learn from reading to your own writing.
Good luck.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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