Ranma swallowed. She could hear the clack of her high heels echo
through the room with every step. "Akane... I just want to help Ucchan
out. I owe her this. Pop should be the one helping out, but try
dragging his sorry butt down here to help." She closed her eyes.
"Akane, I... I'm sorry if what I did hurt you. I'll try not to be
so... shameless?"
"Yeah, that's a good word for it," Akane conceded. Ranma could hear
the chuckle in her voice. "'Slutty' comes closer, though. I mean,
have you looked at how high-cut that dress is?"
This part I like. It shows that Ranma is still struggling to adjust,
and probably will be for many years to come. This isn't the sort
of story that should be wrapped up in too neat a package... which
is a problem I have later, actually.
He put his fingers up into a 'V' formation. "Ukyou, there are two
things I never joke about. One is money, and the other is love. I
Er... this is Nabiki, right? She does joke about love, and rather
cruelly, during the series. Like when she was pretending to be
Ranma's fiancee.
Akane nodded slowly, for the first time understanding what she was
seeing: scars - fresh scars - cut deep in Nabiki's mirror-brown eyes.
"What was it like there?"
Just a minor quibble, but if they're fresh, they'd probably be wounds,
not scars. Scars are things which have healed over already.
So... for the moment, she called this room home. She could hide here
for a few hours, wait for Mr. Tendo to grow tired, then... then grab
Akane and go. At least, that sounded about right. The Tendo place was
persona no grata for her - at least, until she was sure Mr. Tendo
didn't have any Jusenkyo water.
I do like the irony of this - with Ranma running around and trying
to escape from the cure she's been so desperately seeking the
entire series. You might even play this up a little more.
He shrugged uncertainly. "A man, I guess; I certainly don't feel very
feminine right now."
"Really?" Ranma arched an eyebrow. "Well, at the moment, I happen to
feel *very* feminine. Maybe it's just me being in the presence of such
a hunky guy..." She reached up, and kissed him playfully on the cheek.
"Shall we see what this combination brings?"
I know you're going for the feel that love isn't governed by what's
outside but by what's inside (different from your "Iris" approach),
but I still wasn't convinced by the way Ranma approached this.
Even as far as she's gone through this story, for Ranma to say
she's turned on by a "hunky guy" doesn't work for me. I'm more
partial to the "it's still Akane on the inside" approach. After all,
you've made it clear that Ranma isn't attracted to men in spite
of the change. The jump is too sudden for me.
"Um... guys? Are you about done in there?" Ukyou's voice echoed from
behind the door. "I mean, it's been three hours!"
"Aargh!" screamed Ukyou. "If only I'd known that Ranma was more
attracted to boys, I could have settled this fiancee question a long
time ago! Damn it all!"
Nabiki gave Akane a dead stare. "Akane, I'm cursed. Moreover, I plan
to keep my curse. Trust me, I won't call you a pervert."
Akane licked her lips nervously. "Well... okay." She crossed her
arms over her chest, trying to shield herself as much as she could.
--
The fidgeting stopped. "It was a rush! I mean, I'm pretty strong
when I'm myself, but when I changed... I was a monster! Part of me
wanted to go rush off and fight Ryouga, just to see how strong I was."
She shook her head; her eyes glittered with amazement. "I... it was
like a part of me that had been held back was let free. I didn't have
to be demure, I didn't have to be polite... I could be me - the real
me." She looked down. "And... I want to be free again like that -
whenever I want to be."
I've enjoyed this series up to this point - it started out very fresh
and interesting, and along the way had more hits than misses
overall (within the context of Leifker-style writing, where certain
allowances must be made), but I am sorry to say that this part
didn't work for me at all.
It's too easy for Akane. Ranma has been struggling through all
manner of torture, not only for the length of this tale but (according
to the premise of "Clothes") the entire original series. You've done
a fine job of putting Ranma through the psychological wringer and
illustrating the path by which he became, inside as well as out,
more of a she.
And now here comes Akane, and in the course of one evening
she breezes through the same kind of metamorphosis. Nabiki,
for that matter, has adjusted rather quickly as well.
One might interpret this as being profoundly sexist, though I
doubt you meant it that way. Nonetheless, it would not be hard
to read this as follows: for a man to want to be a woman is a
big challenge, but it's much easier for a woman to want to be
a man. Even if you don't intend to give such a message, the
way you have written this ending suggests it very strongly. Look
at her reasoning here - "I'm bigger and stronger! It feels better!"
She and Nabiki both are gassed on the idea of more freedom.
The message? "It sucks to be a woman, being a man is so
much better." Do you see what I'm trying to point out here?
I know perfectly well that it's not what you're trying to say. But
think about it.
And frankly, even setting that aside, it just seems cheap. Why
does Akane get off so easily? How can we jump so quickly into
a happily-ever-after? It diminishes the struggle that Ranma
endured by having Akane come through it all so easily, so
quickly. I really think it undermines everything you were trying
to achieve with the rest of this story.
I'm sorry. That's very harsh. But this is not the sort of ending
I would have liked to see for what is otherwise a very good story.
Soun continued, unheeding. "Nabiki, we needed Ranma back, as he was,
without these beliefs that he was a girl. The more time he and Akane
spent in a... in a relationship like that -"
"A lesbian relationship, Daddy." Nabiki spoke evenly. "Call it what
it is."
"- the worse off they would be." Father took a sip of his tea.
"Besides, Ranma - the old Ranma - would have wanted it that way."
I can live with this interpretation of Soun, though I don't necessarily
like it. Homophobia pulls weird strings in people, I'll grant you that
without reservation. But this IS the same man who was willing to
hold a marraige ceremony between Ranma and a duck. He seems
rather flexible in that way.
Also, I would suggest playing up his guilt. After all, Soun goes to
pieces if someone else hurts one of his daughters. If he was the
one who actually caused the harm... he'd probably flip.
- - - -
Well, I thank you for the ride up to this stage, though I guess it's
clear I don't like the ending very much. Nonetheless, I look forward
to reading your next project, whatever that may be.
Grayson Towler
http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless