Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic
By: Dreiser
EPISODE TWENTY EIGHT: Another Long Hard Fall.
SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy
where the shadows of Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya are seen
sitting inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the
background.
MAMIYA: (Stares blankly into space.) ...
MIKAGE: (Stares blankly into space also.) ...
SCENE: The Upside Down Castle. Dios is sitting in a recliner next
to Ohtori Akio. Both are focused on the TV set in front of them
where a Charles In Charge episode is currently playing. The Sunlit
Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.
DIOS: (Looks up. Frowns.) ...
AKIO: (Looks at Dios.) Eh? What? Someone is imitating your
unique form of noncommunication communication?
DIOS: (Frowns some more.) ...
AKIO: (Leaps up.) You're right! We should do something to stop
this! Your very identity is being stolen!
DIOS: (Stands up and raises an arm into the air.) ...
AKIO: (Follows suit.) Rally the army!!
SCENE: The catacombs of Ohtori Academy. Several hundred
thousand ding dong wrappers cover the floor utterly. Heavy and
raspy breathing can be heard. We can only assume that it's the sort
of breathing of Kaoru Miki since, well, he lives here these days.
The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.
MIKI: (Raspy breathing.) Too... many... ding... dongs...
(The scene shifts to reveal Miki's form which is, well, he's gigantic.
The only true comparison that I can give him is Jaba the Hut as
Miki is now so big that he seems to be a sort of pale naked blob
and is barely able to form coherent speech when he talks. Yeah,
pretty disgusting, huh?)
MIKI: (Burps. Mumbles.) I'm not... disgusting... I'm... Miki... the
Hut... gansta of... Ohtori... awww... yeah...
SCENE: The Dueling Arena stairs. Tenjou Utena is slowly making
her way up them. As she does so, the song Zettai Unmei
Mokushiroku or the Absolute Destiny Apocalypse plays in the
background. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the
background.
UTENA: (Still walking up the stairs. Huffs.) If this goes on much
longer I'm going to call my agent. Or even worse, I'll call Juri-sama
and tattle on you. I know she likes me.
AUTHOR: (Sweatdrops. Nervous laugh.) Yes, well. Oh my!
Look ahead, it's the top of the stairs! You made it to the top safe
and sound and in record time. Good for you!
UTENA: (Reaches the top step and flops down on the floor of the
dueling arena. Huffs.) Record time? Really?
AUTHOR: (Nodding fiercely but no one can see.) Yep! It only
took you eight episodes or the equivalent of nearly a month to
reach the top of these stairs. Way to go!
UTENA: (Heaves a huge sigh. Sarcastic.) Yay me.
(Suddenly, or not so suddenly, Himemiya Anthy appears out of
nowhere or somewhere to stand in front of Utena.)
ANTHY: (Hands on her hips.) Utena-sama! What took you so
long? You had me worried!
UTENA: (Looks dead. Rasps.) Sorry, Anthy.
ANTHY: (Sniffs.) Yes, well, I forgive you I suppose. (She kneels
down in front of Utena. Says in kindly tones.) Now will you please
give up this idea of dueling my brother? It's not a good idea to face
him while you're like this and he is the ultimate evil. At least around
these parts, he is. There might be some other ultimate evil that I
don't know of...
UTENA: (Raspily interrupts. Pushes herself into a sitting position.
Sounds very Princely.) No, Anthy! I must defeat him in battle so I
can ensure our future happiness! If this campus is to be truly a
wonderful place we must be rid of his evil influence and then we
can all be free once more!
ANTHY: (Tilts her head to one side.) Free as a bird?
UTENA: (Nods her head fiercely.) Yes, freebird!
(Sounds of rabid rock fans cheering are heard. Utena and Anthy
look around in confusion then shrug.)
ANTHY: (Slowly.) So... you must defeat Akio then?
UTENA: (Stands up. Firm tones.) Yes, I must.
(Suddenly, much more suddenly than Anthy's intro, Akio falls out
of the Upside Down Castle along with Dios. They both land on the
dueling floor with a loud thump.)
AKIO: (Sitting on the floor. Groans.) Ow... my cute butt...
DIOS: (Sitting on the floor. Silent groan.) ...
AKIO: (Nods his head as he warily stands up.) You're right. My
fangirls won't like my cute tushie being harmed.
UTENA: (Scowls. Steps forward. Points at Akio.) You! The
ultimate evil! I challenge you to a duel, here and now!
AKIO: (Blinks. Looks around quickly. Stares wide eyed at Utena
as he points slowly to himself.) Uh... me...?
UTENA: (Scowls even more.) Yes, you! Duel me now! (She
whirls around to Anthy who already has the sword of Dios sticking
out of her chest.) Thanks, Anthy! (She yanks it out of Anthy's
chest quickly.) Now fight me!
ANTHY: (Rubs her chest. Mutters.) Doing that always gives me
heartburn...
DIOS: (Eyes wide. Points at Utena.) ...
AKIO: (Murmurs thoughtfully.) Yeah, that does look a lot like
your sword that mysteriously disappeared awhile ago.
(Akio and Dios both look at Anthy who laughs nervously.)
ANTHY: (Steps away.) Wasn't me!
DIOS: (Frowns.) ...
AKIO: (Nods.) Yeah, I wish I could put stuff in my chest too. I
bet it makes a great hiding place for stolen goods.
UTENA: (Upset. Rushes at Akio.) Enough talk! Fight!
AKIO: (Dodges skillfully. Yeah, amazing isn't it? The big dork has
some skills.) Uhm... what is this about?
UTENA: (Rushes at Akio again.) I'll kill you for enslaving Anthy!
I'm her Prince and I need to set her free!
AKIO: (Puzzles.) I'm a slavemaster?
DIOS: (Waves his hands around.) ...
AKIO: (Frowns. Indignant.) What?! I'm not Thomas Jefferson!
Do I look American to you?!
DIOS: (Smirks widely.) ...
ANTHY: (Snickers.) Yes, well. I'm not French but there's still a
good possibility that he could be.
AKIO: (More indignant.) French?! That's just mean!
UTENA: (Really irked now. Rushes at Akio one more time.
Screams in a very cool way.) Devil!!!
(Akio turns to look at Utena who's rushing at him. He sighs and
out nowhere, he produces a Nerf dart gun. He then fires the gun at
Utena and knocks the rose from her lapel. Moments after he does
this, loud bells ring out to signal Utena's defeat at the hands of
Akio and his Nerf dart gun.)
AKIO: (Sticks the Nerf dart gun into a holster that magically
appears on his pants.) I win.
UTENA: (In shock. Walking backwards. Her hands shake and
she drops the sword of Dios, which upon falling to the ground is
instantly retrieved by Dios.) I lost...? I... lost...? I lost to... him...?
(She looks at Anthy while still continuing her shaky walk
backwards.) Anthy... I lost... you...?
ANTHY: (Concerned. Steps forward.) Utena-sama...
UTENA: (Shakes her head fiercely. Walking backwards as she
stares at her trembling hands.) I lost... to him... (Utena lifts her
eyes to stare at Akio.) And a Nerf dart gun...
(It appears as if Utena is about to say something more but she's
abruptly cut off as she goes tumbling down the flight of
neverending dueling arena stairs. The sounds of loud thumping are
heard along with Utena's tortured cries of disbelief on being
defeated by Akio and a Nerf dart gun.)
SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually timely
and frequent sunset. The figures of the Shadow Play Girls A-ko,
B-ko, and C-ko are seen. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays
faintly in the background.
C-KO: (Happily exclaims.) We're back!
B-KO: (Nods.) And all perky from our vacation.
A-KO: (Puzzles.) That was a vacation? I thought we just winked
out of existence for a few episodes.
B-KO: (Shrugs.) Winked out of existence, vacation, it's all the
same thing. At least we got time off.
C-KO: (Happily agrees.) Exactly! B-ko is right. We should be
grateful we got a break from our grueling duties.
A-KO: (Echoes dimly.) Grueling duties? Right...
B-KO: (Looks around.) So...
A-KO: (Looks around also.) So...
C-KO: (Looks at them looking around.) Yeah...
(As the Shadow Play Girls search for something else to say the
scene fades to black.)
To be continued...
All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a
nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when
extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm
extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In
other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun.
Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com
The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will
Mikage and Mamiya still be, for whatever reason, in the elevator?!
As the new gansta of Ohtori what will Miki the Hut's reign of
terror be like?! How long will Utena be falling down the
neverending stairs?! And when in the hell are all of Juri's lesbians
showing up?! Stay tuned!
Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ # is: 37674780
Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm
For SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fanfics go to:
http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/prs/index.html
To hear the excellent SFAE radio production go to:
http://michiru.com/utena/
A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION:
"Would you please not call me Mr. Bunny?"
-Zelgadis; The Slayers-
NANAMI: (Frowns.) My... she's awfully focused on Slayers lately
isn't she, Oniichan?
TOUGA: (Staring at his laptop.) I can't say that I blame her. What
with all the scantily clad women in it...
NANAMI: (Frowns again.) Scantily clad women? In Slayers? But
besides Naga there aren't any in that series.
TOUGA: (Still staring at his laptop.) Oh... one is enough.
NANAMI: (Shrugs.) Whatever.
Juri Rules All.
Zelgadis makes a
rather good anchor.
Don't eat cheese.
-Quotes from me-