Greetings once again!
As always, any and everything said is entirely IMHO. Feel free to take these
words with as many or as little grains of salt as necessary.
Also, I further encourage people to read this fic. It's really quite
amazing! ^_^
Hi, people!
Hi, Latin D!
Well, here's chapter 2. Read, hopefully enjoy, and, please, PLEASE, send
C&C.
(salute) As ordered, sir!
Here we go!
Stow your yocks and grab your socks, in the words of Angelo Dante...
DISCLAIMER: Ranma 1/2 belongs to the brilliant Takahashi Rumiko. >
Robotech is
owned by Harmony Gold USA, Inc. No copyright infringement is intended.
This story is based on McKinney´s books.
I like the fact you bothered to mention McKinney. There ARE a few subtle
differences between what Jack McKinney wrote, and what Carl Macek
envisioned. Technical details, mostly, and McKinney also fleshed in things
such as the years between the end of Macross and the beginning of Southern
Cross.
SILENT BATTLES
I'm glad you shortened the title. This way, (ominous thunder) you can save
"Deaf Victories" for the sequel!
Trust me. You'll end up writing a sequel. The Good Lord knows I always do...
---
Standing no more than a few miles away from the SDF-1, Ranma tried to
come to a decision. What should he do now? That was the question of the
million dollars.
This is a tiny nitptick, man. Most people say "That is the million dollar
question". It rolls off of the tongue a little easier than "The question of
the million dollars".
He had absolutely no idea what had happened but a moment
ago.
You don't need to use "but". "...what had happened a moment ago." is good
enough as it is, I think.
One minute he was happily walking towards the place he had wanted to
visit for years now, and the next thing he knew, this same ship fires
some
kind of energy--a really powerful kind--blast over the city.
Hmmm... this sentence seems a trifle choppy. Let me take a crack at it.
Maybe:
"One minute, he was walking towards the SDF-1, a ship he had wanted to visit
for some time now. The next, that same ship had fired a blast of energy over
the city. A very POWERFUL blast."
Breaking the sentence into smaller sentences this way, you don't have that
dreaded comma splice. It also avoids the use of hyphens, and fixes a few of
the logic errors you made. For example, Ranma in chapter one was remembering
his time on the SDF-1 when it first crashed. He seemed angry and driven, but
NOT happy, which you claim he was. Also, the SDF-1 is a vehicle, not a
place. Also, it helps tell people exactly where he was going. Of course, you
don't have to write it the way I did. That was just a suggestion.
He spun around and looked at Macross.
Ranma : Hey, Macross! Where ya been?
Macross : Who, me? Oh, just hanging around...
Seriously, Ranma can't look AT Macross. He's in it. Unless you mean the
island, and not the city, which he still can't look at, because he's on it.
People only look AT things that are some distance away from them. Try "he
looked over", "he looked around", or "he looked through". These are ways to
look at things you are standing in.
The crowd was slowly dispersing,
the confused people scattering toward either their houses or the
impressive
underground shelters Ranma knew the government had built years ago.
Err... skipping ahead a bit, doesn't Max say that there's no need to panic,
and that they didn't have to head for the shelters yet? If this is so, why
are people going there now?
To say the army was in alert would have been the understatement of
the
year.
<SNIP>
´Now what?´ he repeated mentally. The SDF-1 one big klaxon, as
Veritech
Ranma isn't repeating this. He hasn't thought it before, that you told us.
Also, I believe you lost a word : "The SDF-1 was one big klaxon..."
after Veritech took to the air in rapid succession. It didn't seem the
right
moment to visit a lost uncle...
Maybe he ought to go to the shelters--not that he couldn't handle
whatever it was the SDF-1 had shot to. No, not at all.
had shot AT, not shot TO. And I like the fact you've captured Ranma's
arrogance so well. "I don't know what or who that is, but I can beat them!"
Giving the great starship a last longing look, he slowly headed back
to
the city.
Hard to do. The SDF-1 is pretty close to the city. In fact, I believe the
city of Macross was literally built AROUND the SDF-1. Maybe Ranma is heading
"further into" the city, or "deeper into" the city.
<SEMI-SNIP : INTO FLASHBACK>
So, there he was, minding his own business, when Akane decided to
give
him a surprise: she cooked dinner.
I wouldn't have Ranma "minding his own business". Well actually, I probably
would, but you can do better. What was he doing, exactly? Preforming a kata?
Reading a manga? Doing <snicker> homework? Anything that would distract him
enough that he ignored all the warning signs of Akane's cooking would be
fine.
But that day, she had done the forbidden: she had improvised.
Ye Gods. Fanfic authors and readers alike, be warned. We KNOW what happens
when Akane improvises. Apocalypse in ten... nine... eight...
She didn't follow a recipe, as she said she already remembered one
she
had once read in a magazine. Big mistake number one.
True enough, but I think it's in character for Akane to do this. If she
really is getting better in the kitchen, she would be bound to overstep
herself. Frankly, she usually does all the time. And this is a mistake even
I've made : "I don't need the recipe! I REMEMBER!"
How was I supposed to know (until too late) that the recipe called for a
TEASPOON of curry powder? I honestly swear to this day that it had said
TABLESPOON... >_<
Innocently, he had
asked her what ingredients she was using. She had just given him an
enigmatic smile and said, "Oh, just some wild flowers and vegetables I
found
in the island. I'm sure you'll like them." And with that, she had run to
the
kitchen, leaving a bewildered fiance behind.
´Wild... flowers?!´ he thought. Okay, big mistake number two.
Uh-oh... Quick, my fellow Robotech fans! What flowers are big, green, and
the LAST damned thing ANYBODY would want to eat? ^_^
Two hours he sat at the table, every single minute spent making up
excuses to say to Akane. Perhaps if he said he was ill... No, he never
got
ill. A challenge? No, that wouldn't work, either. No matter how many
fights
he managed to get into during the day, he rarely lost a meal.
Ranma : Damn! Ryoga attacked me again, and now I've lost a meal! Any of you
guys seen it?
Nabiki : Nope.
Soun : Nope.
Genma : Mmmf!
I think you mean he rarely "missed" a meal.
"What is this?" he fearfully asked.
"A salad, of course," she said with a pride-filled voice.
He peered again inside the plastic bowl. He could notice
strange-looking
petals, chopped stems, and what he thought--hoped--were leaves. What the
heck had she put in there?!
Well, let's check the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy :
"FLOWERS OF LIFE, THE : Native to the planet Optera, home of the Invid, a
bunch of big snail-like gents who are notorious for not giving a damn where
your towel is, as long as you're working in their slave camps. When cultured
properly in a Matrix, the Flowers of Life form Protoculture, which the Guide
describes as "Whoo! That is some messed-up juju! I mean, look what it did to
my ride! Hoooar! etc." Flowers of Life can be transplanted, if you don't
mind being enslaved by big snails, and can be eaten, if you don't mind going
insane and developing cosmic powers, and, of course, have enough Italian
dressing to give it a real zing."
He quickly came to a decision: he _had_ to do something to get out.
Anything!
"Eh... Akane, I'm sorry, but I gotta go--" he started, but stopped
himself when he noticed the expression in her face. She looked so sad.
Suddenly, a small tear appeared in the corner of one of her eyes and,
after
a moment of seeming hesitation, toppled over, tracing a wet path in her
cheek.
Sometimes, a tear is stronger than a thousand mallets.
Too true. All too true. And, might I note, something most of us authors
overlook. Akane can mallet Ranma until the cows come home, but if she gets
misty-eyed, she owns him every time.
Steeling himself, he grabbed the chopsticks in a strong grip. Sweat
poured down his face, but he kept repeating himself he couldn't fail
Akane.
She had put so much effort in cooking this. He just couldn't. He
wouldn't.
He would _not_.
To his credit, his hands didn't tremble when he took the vegetables
to
his mouth. Maybe it would have been better if they did.
I'm betting yes. ;-b
His mouth closed over the leaves.
<SNIPPETY-SNIP>
He followed the planes for as long as he could, till they were only
tiny
black specks in the canopy of heaven. Moments later, any evidence of
their
I just like that imagery. "Black specks on the canopy of heaven"... very
good! I like it!
He wandered through the city for several more minutes, still unable
to
find anyone. He was about to give up, when he suddenly heard a voice from
somewhere around the corner. Ranma made a dash for the place--and found >
a
little boy playing with a toy plane--a Veritech. He was wearing a yellow
sweatshirt and blue bib overalls, and had shoulder-length chestnut hair.
Hi. Just me sticking my nose in to point out that if this is Lynn-Mimei's
cousin Jason, and it was immediately after the airshow (and thus their
meeting with Rick and Roy), he was described by McKinney as being dressed
like a miniature Veritech pilot, with RDF logos sewn on those clothes of
his.
Just a nitpick. Description's fine as is, no reason Ranma would know an RDF
logo from a picture of a kite.
<SNIP-SNIP!>
"Are your parents in, Jason? I'd like to talk to them."
"Sure! C'mon, let's go! My cousin is there, too! She's the greatest!"
He
eagerly grabbed Ranma by his arm and started dragging him towards the
restaurant, tirelessly droning about how much he was going to love his
family.
´Oh, man! What have I gotten myself into?´ thought Ranma, desperately
trying to keep his footing.
---
He had known he was going to his doom, but he hadn't know how
terrible
this was.
"known" how terrible it was. And I like this transition of Ranma wondered
where he's going to Ranma knowing full well where he's going : his doom.
"It's the best thing I ever ate!" It was the truth. Not even Kasumi
had
cooked something so perfect, so... right. He just couldn't stop stuffing
himself.
"Oh, Ranma. Are you serious?" asked Akane with tears in her.
"Sure. Give me more, will ya?" he said while handing her his plate.
He
wanted more. He needed more.
Uh-oh. I believe this is the edible equivalent of a "nicotine fit", mayhap?
He doesn't just want more, he NEEDS it... ^_^
"Yes, Ranma. Here you are." A wide smile showed in her face as he saw
Ranma fell on the food as if he hadn't eaten for a week.
Soon, the bowl was empty, the salad gone. Ranma felt still hungry,
but
strangely satisfied.
"That was excell--" He couldn't finish, as the room started spinning
around him. ´Retarded effect,´ he concluded, steadying himself with the
table. ´I should have known better.´ He tried to get up, but fell to the
floor as soon as he released his grip on the table. Akane yelled
something
he couldn't make out, and the world became a strange place.
He saw sounds, smelled colors. His senses were overwhelmed by an >
attack
of light--and voices; some were old, other young; some were screaming,
other
were singing. And even through his confusion, he felt... something,
taking
form in his body, in his soul. He didn't where exactly, but it was there.
A
connection of sorts--a bond, a key. To unlock what, he still didn't know.
Man, I just have to say that I love your description here. You have a really
good knack for it, and your imagery is equally impressive. This reminds me
so much of some of Zor Prime's hallucinations and flashbacks, too. Very well
done.
As suddenly as they had come, the voices were gone, and the room
became
still. Exhausted for some reason, he started closing his eyes. The last
thing he saw was Akane tearfully talking over the phone.
Ranma : St... Stupid... tomboy... S'posed to talk INTO it... Can't even call
the medics when she kills someone....
Then, the world went black.
<SNIP TO END>
Okay, I know, there's a whole lot more to this fic. But what else can I say?
I thought your characterisations of Max and Lena were fascinating
(especially comparing Max to Ryoga like you did : he always looked pretty
tough to me, too). Minmei was... Minmei, which is good for people who like
her, and bad for those who don't, I suppose. Having Ranma's reactions to
things such as the airshow event in chapter one and Rick Hunter's emergency
(so-called) "landing" in this chapter is good. Ranma is a part of these
early events, but he has yet to really influence anything. It's nice that
you are trying to avoid just retelling events we alreadt know about, but are
still using them to provide us a reference point in the series.
Oooh... next chapter, looks like Ranma Saotome and Rick Hunter are about to
meet. I'm almost scared to imagine what'll happen when those egos combine!
---
Author's notes:
You're reading _this_? Thanks! ^_^
Well, I guess everybody know why this isn't a _Macross_ crossover now,
ne?
^_^
Yup. U.N. Spacy Valkyries were powered by good old nuclear fusion, unlike
their English-speaking counterparts, the RDF Veritechs. Protoculture and
Flowers of Life were created solely for Robotech, so that the Flowers that
feature so prominently in Southern Cross and Mospeada would be explained
away.
Hope you like the idea, and sorry for the delay.
Again, I love this idea, and the product was more than worth the wait!
That's all. Bye and good luck,
That's all for me, too. Farewell and safe journeys to all. And I hope some
of you out there enjoyed this fic as much as I did. I hope even more of you
are going to enjoy it as much as I think I will. Latin D is off to a pretty
good start here, don't ya think?
Anyway, I'm off to fight my writer's block. There's some prereading afoot,
too.
Ja ne!
-Morgan Hudson
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