DB Sommer wrote:
Wai!
You wrote:
Don't look for timeline accuracy here, people. :)
Then you're saying this occurs sometime after Lum first meets Ataru in
Urusai Yatsera? ^_^
Yup, the Second Impact was actually caused by the conflict between the Mendo
Clan and the Oni didn't you know? :)
Seriously, I just can't remember Eva all that well. I'm fairly sure that Kaji
isn't dead yet and Touji experiences getting squished firsthand at the point
when Unit-01 starts munching Angels (or Angel-infested Evas).
Chocolate Days Are Here
Yum.
:)
Every eye in the classroom was focused on the figure that
held out the gift-wrapped box of chocolates to Asuka.
It wasn't every day that Zeruel, the fourteeth Angel, offer gifts to its
opponents.
Zeruel: I am secretly the Easter Bunny....
Enough attention was left over for the red-headed girl that
her face flushed to match the colour of her hair, though it
was impossible to tell whether from anger or embarassment.
I'd say 'whether it was from' it just sounds better to me.
Hmm. I tried to avoid a repetition of 'it was' at that point and it seems to
read reasonably well to me - I'll see if I can change things around.
"Verdammt, Wonder Girl!" Asuka choked out. "You're not
supposed to give chocolates to another girl!
Unless, of course you 'like' girls that way. ^_^
Rei: But did I not see you give some chocolates to Hikari?
Asuka: They were leftovers! Leftovers, I tell you!
"Then give them to baka Shinji or something!"
"I have already given Ikari-kun his chocolates."
Rei: I would like to try a three way. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.
Asuka: Sorry, I'm only interested in girls.
"Right," added Kensuke. "Like why Asuka's so aggressive
all the time, why she has that old guy as a 'boyfriend',
and why she hangs around Hikari all the time."
"Hey! You leave Hikari out of this," Touji sputtered.
Besides, the idea of a three-way with Asuka just left a bad taste in his
mouth.
Touji: Yup. Now if it was Rei....
At the front of the classroom, Hikari surreptitiously
edged her desk forward a few centimeters, while Shinji
stuck a wad of tissue up his right nostril.
Heh
"Arschloch!" Asuka fired back at two of the Three Stooges,
before turning back to Rei. "Look, Wonder Girl, this is all
just a stupid misunderstanding. Who the hell gave you that
advice anyway?"
And I have a feeling we're about to find out.
Sure - it's an obvious segue. :)
"Very kind of you, Maya," Ritsuko quirked an eyebrow, "but
wouldn't the boys like some?"
"Oh, I've already given them their share," Maya lied
smoothly.
You know, I still think Maya is only interested in Ritsuko so that she can
use her to get to Gendou.
Bwahahaha! Hmm, how about:
Ritsuko: Maya, I'm just not that way. Why don't you try Misato? She was always
coming on to me in college.
Maya: Major Katsuragi? But she has Kaji-san...
Ritsuko: She's bi-, with strong lesbian tendencies. Besides Kaji's about to get
killed off soon, so you can comfort her.
Maya: I had no idea...
Black ghosts of misery hung over Makoto's hunched form and
form, and
Right.
---
"Status?" Commander Ikari rested his chin on his woven
fingers.
Minor nit: I think I'd go with 'interlaced' instead of 'woven' simply
because the latter invokes images of Gendou knitting or something.
Ah, that's the correct word. It slipped my mind when I was writing. Thanks.
The large hanging mainscreen flickered, then produced the
image of open air and flat land near Tokyo-3. Fuyutsuki
stared at the picture, willing the Angel to come into view.
An indistinct shape began to protrude from the left of the
screen, and he bent over to whisper into the Commander's ear.
Gendou: I don't think this is the time for that sort of thing. Perhaps
after I've had a 'private meeting' with Dr. Akagi I could work you in.
Fuyutsuki: Certainly. A good ballet session would be just the thing to work off
the stress.
(Apologies to a certain author for that one :)
"It's about time for the Fiftee-- Good Lord! Is that an
_Easter EGG_?"
Oh, it's going to be one of THOSE sort of fics. ^_^ Couldn't tell for sure
from the beginning.
It's a chocolate fic for Easter.... That was adequate warning, no? :)
---
A blast of brown sludge erupted from the Angel and slammed
into her machine, sending it tumbling to the ground. The
sticky fluid held it down as effectively as industrial-
strength glue
What? An Eva can't tear out of industrial strength glue? ^_^
Heh. Good point. Will change to 'more effectively than'.
---
"Synchro-ratio on Unit-01 rising! It's going berserk!"
Maya exclaimed, horrified.
So Yui is a chocoholic, I see.
Well, I made her so...
Hmm. The punchline falls a little flat. Can't say if it's because it's
drawn out too long, or if the earlier scenes don't really seem to have much
to do with the way the last scene plays out. Likewise the initial scenes of
the various characters don't really hint at how silly the ending is. I
don't know what to say, other than perhaps making the earlier things a bit
more absurd.
Now that I've reread the piece I think you're right. The earlier parts are a
little flat compared to the ending. I'll see what I can do.
Overall it was still enjoyable, just the ending was a bit off.
But fairly typical for my short humour pieces which never have a classic
punchline. :)
Thanks for the comments, D.B.
I'll try to improve it.
Phil.
D.B. Sommer
--
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List---.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@fanfic.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@fanfic.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---http://www.fanfic.com/FFML-FAQ.txt ---'