Hi,
My comments##
Everything is In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful, ignore the rest.
Date:
Sun, 23 Apr 2000 03:26:57 -0400
From:
Richard Robinson
<RICHARDROBINSONJR@prodigy.net> | Block
address
To:
fanfic list FFML <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject:
[FFML] [FFML][fanfic][Ranma/OMGHonor on High
Chapter
2 Meetings (draft)
Honor on High
Chapter Two
Meetings
( DRAFT)
##Overall: seems very rushed.
As Ranma and Skuld began to walk out the door, a
sudden
shout, stopped them. Suddenly a very lovely pair of
legs
began to come out of the TV set, " Urd what are you
doing
here?" asked Skuld.
## "sudden" & "suddenly" too close together.
Try for another adjective.
"I was summoned to grant a wish" replied Urd "As
soon as
I saw who it was, I hurried as much as I could. Why
are you
here, little sister?"
"I was summoned for the same reason, except I was told
to
get here ASAP, I wasn't even given time to read the
file. I
didn't know it was our nephew until after I arrived.
Why
would they send us both, for one call."
## "summoned" & "summoned" too close together.
Need a [space] between sections. Different people
talking.
It's confusing otherwise. Also, it would be helpful to
break the
dialogue with a little action.
Example::
"I was summoned to grant a wish" replied Urd "As
soon as
I saw who it was, I rushed right down." She glared
suspiciously
at the other goddess. "Why are you here, little
sister?"
"The same reason. Except I was commanded to
get here ASAP." Returning glare for glare she
carefully
smoothed her robes. "I wasn't even given time to read
the file."
Shifting her de-bugging hammer to more comfortable
position
Skuld wondered briefly how well it would work on
fellow
bureaucrats. " I didn't know it was our nephew until
_after_ I arrived.
Why would they send us both, for one call?"
##NOT the only way to do this. However this breaks up
some VERY long sentences and allows you to _show_
what is happening. For instance, by having Skuld
"shift"
her hammer you can illustrate her annoyance. OR you
could
have Urd pace to show agitation. _What_ you do depends
entirly on 1) the immediate effect you wish to convey
2) What you may be trying to set-up for a future
scene.
Try to visualize the scene. Look at the characters
physical
relation to each other, their body language, tone of
voice, etc.
Turn this into a word picture for the reader.
Use this in conjunction with your dialogue to build
the scene.
"Err, I made two calls to the number, Keiichi
gave me
and when I got the Goddess Help Line, I redialed with
the
series of numbers reversed and got something called
the
Demon Grant a Wish Hot Line and tried again with the
original order and got the Goddess Help Line again."
sheepishly commented Ranma.
##Again, _very_ long sentences and unrelieved
dialogue.
"Oh no, we've got to get you out of here fast or a
demon
will appear and either attack or try to bargain for
your
soul." shouted Skuld.
## Could use some action. Also break up the
long sentences.
Example::
"We've got to get you out of here, fast! Skuld
grabbed
a bewildered Ranma by the arm.
"Huh! Why?" Ranma tried to pull away from the
goddess.
"Some demon's coming to attack you!"
"Or bargain for your soul." Urd added, taking Ranma's
other arm.
##################
"Too late. I am here and I will get the soul of this
Morta... Wha- Ranma! What are you doing here? Are are
you
the one I am supposed to bargain with? I can't do
that. I
promised you to never threaten your soul, after all
you are
my fiancee." Mara almost screamed!
## The [bang](!) You used earlier implies her tone
of voice.
Try experimenting with some other adjectives.
And different types of action.
Example::
". . .you are _my_ fiancee." Mara
grabbed Ranma in a fierce hug.
OR
" . . .you _are_ my fiancee." Mara
stamped her foot to emphasize her point.
OR
" . . .you are my _fiancee_." Mara's
voice crackled with emotion.
Again, use more action. Play with the
possibilities.
Example::
"To late. Mara the Implacable is here. I will
get the soul of this mortal for my dread master----oh,
hello
Ran-chan. What are you doing here?"
"Ummmm," Ranma started to twiddle his fingers,
only to be jerked up short by two goddesses attached
like
limpets to either arm. "I . . .uhhhh . . .called this
Goddess
Help Line . . ." etc, etc.
##Again, your basic concept and dialogue is good, but
you are
too brisk. Don't use only dialogue, but break your
sentences
with action. This is only _one_ example of many
possibilities.
The important thing is to vary the cadence of the
dialogue and
use "physicality" to convey emotion, rather than
dialogue
only.
<SNIP> Loooong exposition. <wheeewww>
"Good Grief, you sound like someone giving bad
expository
dialogue, Urd."
##yes. she does. :( MUCH too long.
Good as authors notes but rather indigestible in one
chunk. Unless you are going for a Monty Python/
Hitchhiker's
Guide atmosphere to the story. In which case this is a
good start,
the rest needs a bit of a re-write. OR you might be
trying for a
mix of styles. Which, while more complicated, can be
done.
You'll just need to spend a lot more time on your
segues.
"Just trying to give Ranma here a little
background on
why it took three goddesses sixteen years just to
notice he
was gone."
##Cute. Needs a little re-write if you decide to keep
it.
(see Monty Python comment above)
<SNIP>
" Some idiot who attacked Mara, when we were out
walking. You know of all my Fiancees Mara is the one I
like
best. She never tries to force me or drug me or kill
me,
well after our first meeting.
##Ummm, Working from memory of chapter 1 and looking
at
this draft I think your basic problem is pacing.
You're going
too fast and not showing enough emotion. SHOW, don't
just
tell. Less dialogue, more action.
For example this next passage>>
Any way I am a Martial Artist, I have fought gods,
demons, and a couple of phoenixes. I am Ranma Saotome,
I
never give up and I never Lose."
"Well, until today, I never lost. Today I lost all of
my
family and loved ones and friends." sighed Ranma. "I
don't
even know my own name now."
## >>shows the same emotional level that might be
associated
with misplacing your fountain pen, rather than losing
your entire
life. Ranma may just be in denial, which would be
realistic. You
just need to _show_ the reader that Ranma _is_ in the
denial phase
of shock.
<SNIP>
The End of chapter Two
<SNIP>
Please remember this is an parallel word story and not
an
alternate world story. So where people are not what
you
expect, it's because they never were the people you
expect.
##fair enough. However at least _some_ readers are
familiar
with Ranma/OMG. Your changes in characterization
_must_
overcome these pre-conceived notions. And, even for
new
characters things seem rushed. It can work but you're
going
to have to put in a _lot_ more detail to make these
changes
believable.
Overall: not a bad idea. The dialogue is good if
lengthy.
I suggest you break things up with more description.
And show more of the emotion Ranma must be feeling at
having
his entire life disrupted.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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