Hi,
My comments##
Everything is In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful, ignore the rest.
Date:
22 Apr 2000 20:26:15 -0000
From:
"Akane Miata" <akane_miata@tendodojo.com> |
Block address
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Subject:
[FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma][alt] Falling
Away-teaser
Ok, PLEASE read this and comment, ok? If no
feedback is given, it will not be continued!!!!
*smiles* Arigatou!! ^_^
*huggies*
~Akane Miata~
---------------------
The year is 2052.
The city is Neo Tokyo-Nerima.
The time is, 3:45 am.
This is where our story begins...
##You're not going to tell us the day? :(
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young man briskly walked down the dark street.
Every so often he
would chance a glance over his shoulder. Staring into
the dark shadows
that seemed to be crawling everywhere.
<Walk. Walk. Walk. Don't look back, idiot. Walk. Walk.
Walk.>
An eerie prickle raced down his spine. He knew it was
out there.
Waiting for him. Cold sweat broke out on his
forehead. His walk
soon turned into a slight jog. Huffing and puffing in
the cool night
air, he glanced once more behind him.
<NO!!> A figure had stepped out of shadows. Wearing a
long black
trench coat, the figure took a step toward the man. He
shook his head
in fear and denial and turned to run back down the
street. A soft,
sweet voice suddenly whispered in his ear, "Lover, you
wouldn't be
trying to run from me, would you?"
##Interesting opening. I'd start this sooner. It's
ominous and eerie.
In fact you _could_ start with this line. But I would
shorten the
opening. Get to this as quickly as possible.
The man paled and stuttered out an excuse, "O-of
course n-n-not!" The
figure behind him purred in gratification and leaned
up against his
back. The cold hard body pressed against him caused
an extremely
large lump to rise in his throat. "Good. Walk over to
that alley
over there. It looks like a good place to...talk,
yes?"
##Again, I'd keep this short(er).
Example::
"Lover, you wouldn't be trying to run from me,
would you?"
"O-of course n-n-not!" The young man paled.
Behind him the pale cold figure purred in
gratification.
"Walk over to that ally." The hard body pressed
against
him, causing a lump to raise in his throat. "It looks
like a
good place to . . .talk."
##Obviously this is NOT the only way to do this.
However it
illustrates my point. The atmosphere here is _very_
chilling.
I think it works best to get to the young man and his
"companion"
as quickly as possible. If you wish to set up more of
the "street scene"
I'd integrate it into this opening dialogue or at
least keep the
preceding set-up to a minimum.
Feeling foolish tears sting his eyes, the young man
shook his head in
terror. He knew what happened to those who went into
dark alley's
with this..."creature."
##Ummm, very good. I think "creature" is too heavy
handed.
Otherwise it's _excellent_.
Perhaps::
Feeling foolish tears sting his eyes, the young man
shook his head in
terror. He knew what happened to those who went into
dark alley's
with . . .her.
The figure behind him stiffened and growled into his
ear. "Be a good
boy. Go into the alley before I get upset." The
voice changed
abruptly. Sweet and softly again, "You wouldn't want
to make me upset,
would you, lover?"
In a dark, abandoned street, on the bad side of Neo
Tokyo-Nerima, no
one noticed the poor man being lead to his death.
##Very good for the most part. A little heavy handed
again
in spots. You've got a _very_ good ear for dialogue.
Don't
over-explain.
Example::
The figure behind him stiffened. "Be a good
boy. Go into the alley before I get angry." The
voice changed
abruptly. "You wouldn't want to make me upset,
would you, lover?"
##Your dialogue implies tone of voice _very_ well.
This is a stylistic point. I prefer a lean writing
style.
IMO you have a wonderful way with dialogue and
scene. I've noticed a slight tendency to "embellish"
just a bit. I suggest you review your drafts and
simplify where ever possible. It will give you a
cleaner
crisper story.
In a dark, abandoned street, on the bad side of Neo
Tokyo-Nerima, no
one noticed the poor man being lead to his death.
##again, your set-up is more than sufficient.
Try::
In a dark street on the bad side of Neo Tokyo, no one
noticed a young man being lead to his death.
##don't overdo the adjectives. ^_^
<SNIP>
So did you like it?? Hate it?? Any comments??
ANYTHING!!! Please!! ^.^ Thankies!
~Akane Miata
##Interesting. I'll be glad to give more detailed
C&C if you wish.
My overall impressions::
You're too wordy. An interesting story and
good dialogue. However it suffers because you
add too much. Keep it lean and simple.
I'm not convinced by your characterization
of Ryouga. The idea that he is a weapon's
designer is difficult enough to believe.
However . . .Ryouga just giving up w/o a fight?
That was completely unbelievable. It looks as if
you're trying to show that the mysterious
figure is so powerful and evil that she/he? overwhelms
Ryouga. If so you need to build on that a little more.
And, I think, make Ryouga less weepy. Or make the
situation more convincing to show that this emotional
breakdown is plausible. It can be made to work. Just
needs a little tweaking.
(assuming this is the Ranma 1/2 Ryouga. Considering
the
time frame . . .???) If it's _not_ that Ryouga or it's
a descendant . . . I find the name confusing.
Good job overall. I look forward to the rest.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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