"Akane Miata" <akane_miata@tendodojo.com> wrote:
The young man briskly walked down the dark street. Every so often he
would chance a glance over his shoulder. Staring into the dark shadows
that seemed to be crawling everywhere.
Sentence fragment needing a verb.
<NO!!> A figure had stepped out of shadows. Wearing a long black
out of the shadows.
The man paled and stuttered out an excuse, "O-of course n-n-not!" The
figure behind him purred in gratification and leaned up against his
back. The cold hard body pressed against him caused an extremely
large lump to rise in his throat. "Good. Walk over to that alley
over there. It looks like a good place to...talk, yes?"
Don't let two different speakers talk in the same paragraph. Suggest
starting a new paragraph after the man's line.
Feeling foolish tears sting his eyes, the young man shook his head in
terror. He knew what happened to those who went into dark alley's
alleys ("dark alley's" means "belonging to dark alley")
In a dark, abandoned street, on the bad side of Neo Tokyo-Nerima, no
one noticed the poor man being lead to his death.
led (lead is the element, or the present tense if pronounced 'leed')
The pair entered the dimly lit alley. Tall sterile walls blocked all
Tall, sterile
the sides around the man as he stumbled to the back. He turned as the
figure released his arm. Moving away from the figure, that still
managed to hide among the shadows.
Sentence fragment, and I don't think the comma makes sense there.
His back pressed against the furthest wall and he wiped the sweat that
poured into his stinging eyes. A staring contest ensued between the
two. Who would speak first. If the man had anything to say, it
Need a question mark after "first" instead of the period.
The dark figure took a step forward and spoke in a voice that didn't
reveal its' gender. "Where's my money and the disk?" The man
its (its means belonging to it; it's means it is; its', well...
doesn't mean anything. ^_^)
He tried to respond, but nothing but squeaks and gasps seemed to come
out. The figure was becoming impatient. He could tell. <Oh Kami!>
<Oh, Kami!> (need a comma)
The figure began to pulse with cold anger. "Give me the package and we
can both leave and forget this whole thing." Delusions were dangerous
to have nowadays, even more dangerous when faced with the mercenary
in the alley way with the man.
alleyway is one word. And I'm not sure I understand that last bit. Who's
thinking it?
The figure weighted the package in its' black gloved hands, then placed
its
the package inside the dark trench coat. "I am glad to see that, at
least the business part of this deal still has its' integrity. But you
its
Also, you need to be consistent with commas here:
that at least the
or
that, at least, the
Giddy with relief and the thought of seeing his family again, the man
agrees. The figure sighed and reaches into the coat again. "Why have
agreed. (past tense)
Also, "have" should be changed to "are" or else the question doesn't
make sense.
The man, if possible, paled even further. Visions of his massacred
family whisked if front of his eyes. "I-I don't kno-" The hand inside
in front
After all, he was the one who had designed, created and sold it to the
figure. "You don't remember?" the figure continued, "I do. You've
Needs to be a sentence break somewhere between "You don't remember?" and
"I do." Either
"You don't remember?" the figure continued. "I do.
or
"You don't remember?" The figure continued, "I do.
The figure looked down at the kneeling man and something flashed across
its' dark eyes. "You needn't worry, Ryouga. Ayako and Akari will be
its
Ryouga visibly relaxed and wiped the tears from his face. He looked up
at the dark figure and stared into its' dark eyes. "Then at least, let
its
The figure he had always known by the Code Name: Scarlet Ice, was
nothing more than a child! Her toned body revealed that she was no
mere child, but a deadly weapon. Firm but with enough curves to make
even his mouth water.
Evidently this Ryoga isn't much like the one we know from the manga.
Just the sight of a bare breast gives him a nosebleed.
The black bodysuit covering her body
gleamed with the moonlight. Accenting everything from her full breasts
moonlight, accenting (sentence fragment)
An angel. An Angel of Death. A beautiful angel of death. Soft, red
heart shaped lips smiled softly at him. A small button nose and
gorgeous almond shaped eyes revealed her pure blood Asian heritage.
But this is anime, so despite this heritage she had naturally lime green
hair. :-)
But the rest of her remained in the shadows. "Its time." Ryouga
"It's
nodded his head and bowed before this goddess of death. "My life is
yours to take as you wish." The girl smiled softly and pulled the
trigger. A small projectile, the size of a pinhead shot into Ryouga,
A small projectile the size of a pinhead shot
or
A small projectile, the size of a pinhead, shot
(You may want to use pin's head or something else. When I see "pinhead"
my first response is to picture Dan Quayle. ^_^)
He grimaced from the pain and tried not to cry out. But all was for
naught. The projectile was a neurological poison that directly
attacked the nervous system with such a ferocity, it made the one's
nervous system look like a short circuited board.
I don't know what "the one's" means. Suggest "it made the target's" or
"it made its victim's" or somesuch.
Ryouga let out a soft cry before blood began to bubble out from his
mouth. His eyes turned glassy and his hands began to clench and
unclench spasmodically. With a soft groan, he fell over to his side
and curled into a tight ball. Trying to hold himself together.
ball, trying (curse those sentence fragments)
Illumination her one long steak of scarlet hair amongst all the dark,
as she disappeared into the shadows again...
Er... what? I think "steak" should be "streak," but other than that I
really don't get this sentence.
--------
So did you like it?? Hate it?? Any comments??
ANYTHING!!! Please!! ^.^ Thankies!
Okay, on the good side: It was a suspenseful opening. Starting with an
action scene like this is an effective way to open the story, and about
the right amount of information was supplied -- enough to make us want
to know more.
On the bad: Frankly, I don't see why this is a Ranma fic. The only
indication that it is is that there's a character called Ryouga, and he
doesn't seem to act anything like the manga character by that name. It's
far too early to judge, of course, but just based on what's shown so far
this looks like an [Orig] fic in which a character just happens to be
named Ryouga.
Now, you may say that this is an alternate setting, and I do understand
that that's going to change things to some degree. Obviously not
everything from the manga is still going to be true. But you do need to
keep enough that the characters are still recognizable in some way or
other.
Also on the good side: Akari is (evidently) in the fic, not mysteriously
written out like she tends to be.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html