Grammer comments skipped since I know I'm lousy at that. =)
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In a message dated 4/21/00 8:01:14 PM, kleppe@mediaone.net writes:
<< >Akane beat Tofu to the front door by about one minute and she was
fighting
mad.
"That stupid baka promised he'd meet me!" Akane shouted as she kicked off
her
shoes and stormed into the house. "I'm gonna kill him!"
This is too extreme a reaction from her, unless there's some special
circumstance that we ought to know about. Contrary to fanfic myth, Akane
is not angry at Ranma by default. If you read the manga, most of the
time you see them together they get along fine until the plot
intercedes.
Well, I'm from the Anime end of Ranma fandom, so I tend to go by that.
When Ranma opened her eyes, he found herself staring into Akane's and
Doctor
Please use either "he" or "she" to refer to female Ranma. Either makes
sense, but it gets extremely confusing if you switch between them. Actually,
I thought I had this covered when I went over it before sending. Missed it.
Whoops!
"Why Doctor do that?" Shampoo demanded.
Shampoo is naked now. Doesn't anybody care?
Think about what Shampoo looks like under that outfit. Would you say
anything? =)
Seriously, I suscribe to the 'clothes into subspace' theory. That is, the
clothes disappear when they turn into animals, and reappear when they change
back.
"Because, between Ranma, the police, the town Martial Artists, magicians,
and
such, there hasn't been anything they couldn't handle."
Magicians? Travelling magic item salesmen, yes, but we've never really
seen any actual magicians in the manga. (No police, either, but we can
more easily presume that they're there. ^_^) Suggest changing to
priests, which there do seem to be plenty of.
Again, I'm from the Anime end and it seems to me that there should be some
magicans somewhere in Nerima. Still, I'll take that into consideration when I
do the rewrite.
Awakened by a scraping noise, Kasumi peered out the window and saw Nabiki,
Mister Pen-Pen in hand, climbing the ladder to the roof. Satisfied as to the
source of the noise, Kasumi went back to bed.
'Now then Doctor,' she thought to herself as she got comfortable and closed
her eyes. 'where were we?'
Heh. I like this bit. Nicely understated where it could easily have been
crass.
I saw it in a book or heard it somewhere. I thought it was kinda funny.
================
The demon looked down at one of its pawns, who was sleeping peacefully, a
wooden bokken in one hand, and picture of a pig-tailed girl in the other.
Um... Kuno sleeps with his bokken in hand??
Why not?
But now it had its chance again. The Key was close, a tangible presence. The
spell that kept it safe was drawing near the end of its life and the one
person in the town who could re-cast the spell was unaware he had the power.
Erm. Not Gos, I hope. Much as I like seeing him in fics, I'm really
tired of the cliche of him secretly being a super-sorcerer.
Who's Gos?
So whatever it was had just screwed up her carefully ordered life and her
lips twisted into an ugly smile as she made herself a solemn promise;
The bastard was going to pay for that.
?Really? How many yen? :)
More then it has. :)
All in all, not bad. I thought Kasumi was handled quite well. Akane's
rather cliched, at least at first. Nabiki's reactions could've used more
depth. I could see her eventually going along with playing Guardian, but
not nearly this easily. She's used to being peripheral to the weirdness
that infects Ranma and Akane's lives, and likes it that way. IMO, we
need to see a lot more development before she finally accepts the job. >>
It'll happen. Remember, Nabiki's been on the sidelines all this time and has
no real concept of just how dangerous some of the stuff the Nerima wrecking
crew gets into. Its what she has to do at the end that's. . .well, Sore wa
Himitsu desu. That's all I'm saying. :-)
Getting back to some other points, which I probably should have covered in
reply to doug's E-mail, but didn't.
The complaint about the Nerima being a magical place and the recaps(which he
didn't complain about, but I'm going to explain anyway ^_^):
The recaps were for those who might not be too familar with the Ranma mythos.
As for the way I set up Nerima, its always struck me as sort of a right turn
at Albuerque<sp?> and straight on through Des Moinse<sp?> kind of place.
As for the way I kept switching the POV. I was. . .Actually, I'm not sure
what I was thinking.
Ah well, thanks for the comments.
--Komodo.