"Kayu-chan" <inu@yasha.fsnet.co.uk> wrote:
~I strongly recommend reading the previous chapters. It will be
pretty confusing otherwise. Check it out on my website or e-mail me
for details.~
Um... I think I may have missed a few of 'em. ^_^;;; I'll try to muddle
through as best I can anyhow.
Summer sun filtered through the curtains and warmed the room.
A little girl sat at the table, scribbling in a notebook, her dark
locks falling around her. Across the table,a young woman was sewing
^^^
Need a space after the comma.
"I don't want you to go far away like my friend's mom did,
otherwise we can't play no more." The girl's smile faded away when
she saw her mother's expression change. "Mommy, why are you
crying?"
"I just have something in my eye, that's all." The mother's
voice trembled and she grasped at the picture, nearly tearing it.
After a moment of silence, she put the picture down and grasped her
daughter's hands. "How about we go to the park more often?"
"Are you sure you're okay, Mommy?"
"Yes, dear, yes, I'm fine."
"You're not gonna die or anything? You sure?"
"Of course! Would I lie to you?"
"Hey, Akane," Yuka's voice interrupted her thoughts, and she
flicked her gaze back to her friends. Why were they grinning like
that, as if there was some inside joke she didn't get?
"as if there were" would be technically correct.
Sayuri ignored Akane's protest and asked, "We were just
wondering, is Nabiki okay?"
"Huh? What do you mean?" Akane was bemused. Her sister went
Suggest 'Her sister had gone' since she's referring to previous events.
back to school yesterday. If they were curious, why didn't they just
ask Nabiki?
They can't afford to. :)
"Yeah, Rin, isn't it?" Sayuri said. "I hear she likes...."
Akane's attention drifted away from the conversation as she spotted
a familiar girl wandering aimlessly around the school grounds, as
though she was perpetually lost. Oh, Umi.
Umi was the girl she walked with to the hospital to see, oh
Again, 'she had walked' since it's a previous occurrence.
"Why?" Umi's face paled and her brow knotted with worry. "I,
uh, I don't know. Just bumped into her when I was there. Just, just,
I... chatted with her. Yes! About nothing, we talked about nothing
and then I left the hospital and that's all that happened."
One of the world's great liars she is not. :)
"Okay," Akane replied after a little while, realising that
that had been Umi's attempt at a lie. She frowned as she thought
more about Nabiki's strange behaviour recently, and Kasumi's
secrecy... what was she hiding?
"Umi, the girl from this morning, told me." Akane tried to
hold onto a relatively calm demeanour, the disturbing conclusions
she'd made still weighed heavy in her mind.
Ah, an actual grammatical error. :) Run-on sentence.
Kasumi's reaction only
made the conclusions seem more likely. "So, where's Nabiki?"
Suggest 'only made them seem more' to avoid the repetition.
Akane knocked on Nabiki's bedroom door, only to receive a
mumbling in reply. Taking that as an invitation, she opened the
door, letting it swing back. The click as it hit the latch reminded
her that she couldn't go back. Akane saw Nabiki lying in bed and her
Two 'back's in a row here; may want to reword one of them.
Akane stared in wonder, the stupid question gnawing at her
sanity, biting and burning her heart. How could she not know? Was
Nabiki gonna end up like Mom, hiding it, and one day soon just not
be... just....
"Of course I'd know!" Akane lost her temper with those
thoughtless words of her sister's, with her own stinging thoughts,
I don't think the double-possessive is grammatically correct. Probably
should be 'words of her sister,' or better yet 'with her sister's
thoughtless words.'
I liked this scene... always been a sucker for the classic
misunderstanding, but here it takes on a much more serious aspect than
is usual. I noticed that Nabby never *did* tell Akane the real reason,
though. :)
"And that's all for today, class," the teacher announced just
as the school bell rang.
Nabiki breathed a sigh of relief. School school school.For
^^^
Space after period.
her, these past few days had just been full of lessons and homework
and more lessons. Catching up on all the work she'd missed had
turned her life into one long book-reading session. Add to that, she
couldn't stop worrying about how a certain someone was doing, and
had decided to waste much-needed study time to go and check up on
him, tonight.
Oh yeah, life was just one big ball of fun. She shouldn't have
Um... "ball of fun?" Sounds like a mixed metaphor to me. Perhaps 'one
big party' or 'one big barrel of monkeys" or... or something?
Everyday, he detested hospitals more and more. Yet, here he
'Every day' in this context should be two words. (It's used as one word
as in 'A common everyday phrase.')
was, trapped in such a place.
Lying weak in bed, drugs fed to his veins, pain had tied
itself irrevocably to his body. Needles jab his skin and medical
jabbed (past tense)
tests let doctors think they can help him. That was what made up his
days and nights, that was what always would, he felt. He was meant
to die in battle, or of old age. Not like this, but what other
choice is there? He could pretend this to be a means of gaining much
was (past tense)
needed honour back, but that would be only a lie.
No mirror was needed to show him his wasted body, he was aware
body; he
No, the only person for whom it was too late was his own self.
It was too late for him the day he was born. The doctors were going
It had been too late for him
to send in someone to convince him life was worth living when he was
well enough to talk back and take part in serious conversation. That
plan of theirs will not prosper. When he did gain full control of
theirs would not
"Mr. Kuno," a voice interrupted his thoughts softly, and he
recognised who it was - Nurse Kamishiro. She had a voice as soft as
the erfume she always wore, a strong but smooth fragrance of flowers
perfume
He nodded in affirmation, a slight wave of nausea overcoming
him. Would it always be this way? Forever fragile and ineffectual?
Nabiki was once unwell and pale. She recovered, but, then again, she
had and still has more strength.
This is in the wrong tense. Should be:
She'd recovered, but, then again, she'd had and still had more strength.
(I know this is somewhat clumsier, but it's in the right tense. ^_^ You
may want to find a way to reword it.)
"Do you want to see her?"
He shifted his gaze towards the nurse's voice, wondering if
she could see the conflict in his face. Her stark blue eyes seemed
troubled, too, but then she might always appear troubled working in
suggest 'might always appear so working in' to avoid the repetition.
"Yes," he replied, a throat dry with neglect. "Yes." As the
nurse walked away, his heart seemed to jump with anticipation. For a
change, his mind was heady and light because of something other than
drugs and sickness. It had been too long since he last saw her, two
nights and three days too long.... No, this anticipation would not
do. This was not something to be joyous for.
Measured footsteps signal her entrance and he turned to see
signalled (I think; two ls for you Brits, innit?)
"Nothing of importance," he finally answered, blinking away
any stray tears. Some silence followed, as the nurse continued
examining the dreaded machines keeping him alive. She glanced back
at him one more time before leaving.
His eyes travel to the window, to the hazy view of the lights
travelled (again, I think the British spelling is 2 ls)
I thought this would actually be out weeks ago (already delayed by a
month or two thanks to exams and essays), but the penultimate scene
ended up being heavily revised. Anyhow, thanks for reading. C&C is
very, very, very much appreciated on any aspect. ^_^_^
Well, I have to say that this was really good. Lots of sensory detail in
the description, and the drama was very intense. Also very good from a
technical standpoint, with good use of POV and only a few minor
grammatical problems. I promise to try to keep up with this better in
the future, because this series is definitely worth reading. ^_^
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html