My comments##
Just remember that everything is
In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful, ignore the rest.^_^
Also remember, I like this story concept a lot.
I want you to continue it. Please. ^_*
From:
"Carly -chan" <sspu@hotmail.com> | Block
address
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Subject:
[FFML] [FFML][Ranma/HanaYoriDango] (teaser)
Hana Yori Akuba
Date:
Thu, 20 Apr 2000 20:33:47 GMT
Chapter One: Fateful Accident
************
Just let me get through this year.
I don't want to bother anyone. I can pass without
interruption.
Please, just don't let me attract attention.
##HYD is one of my favorites. And I think this is a
good
fusion idea. I'm of two minds about this opening.
On one hand it's too much like the original HYD.
I would prefer something very different, rather than a
re-hash.
OTOH . . .It's different enough from the familiar
Akane
personality that it IS a different opening.
My preference would be for more of a difference from
HYD but I think this is workable.
Akane sighed as she pushed the trash bin to the side.
This year was
not going to be easy, she decided. But, any year at
Eitoku Gakuen would be
hard for her. When you don't have the money to buy a
new car every few
months it was hard at Eitoku Gakuen.
##Hmmm, this sounds incomplete. As if there should be
an idea
following. Something to show _why_ buying a new car is
so significant.
If, however, it is lack of money, this needs to be
changed to
indicate this. As written, buying a car seems
significant, rather
than just lack of money.
She was almost finished trash duty as her
keen battle sense picked up fighting aura behind her.
She quickly stood,
ready to defend herself when she saw a tall boy with
jet-black hair done up
in a pigtail pushing one unfortunate student to the
ground. Akane winced.
##Now we're getting to the good stuff. ^_^
A little awkward and does not convey as much emotion
as it could.
Example::
She was almost finished with trash duty when her
trained battle senses jerked her around.
OR
A sudden prickling at the base of her spine alerted
her to danger.
##Any number of combinations that add a bit more
urgency and action
to the scene.
I'd change the timing just a bit to have her pick up
"Ranma"
just _before_ he pushes the "unfortunate" student. A
well trained
martial artist would pick up on the intent earlier
than Akane appears to.
HOWEVER, this is
NOT a big point _except_ that this allows you to play
with the scene a bit more.
Example::
1) Shifting her grip on the mop in preparation to
defend or attack Akane quickly scanned
the area for whatever had alerted her. 2)She was
about to
dismiss the feeling as one more example of how much
she hated
this school when a sharp cry attracted her attention.
3)She winced
as one of her classmates hit the ground; in sympathy
for how hard
he hit and professionally at how badly he fell. Her
father had her
do a thousand falls a day until she got it right.
4)Thoughts of happier times at home vanished as a
pigtailed
boy moved with arrogant grace to stand over the fallen
boy.
*Damn F4,* she thought. *They think they can run the
school just
because they have money.*
##I use examples ONLY to illustrate a point. This is
NOT the only
way to do this or even the best way. I've numbered the
passages
to make it easier to see what I'm trying to talk
about.
1) Physically show Akane getting ready. And, preparing
to use the mop as a weapon increases the threat level
in the readers mind AND show's a little more about
Akane the martial artist.
2) This gives a little more insight into Akane's
mental state.
She dislikes being in this school she's jumping at
shadows
or at least THINKS she could be. But, just as that is
established
her abilities are confirmed.
3) Shows more of how serious the fall is. And more of
Akane's
training and abilities, plus a bit of her home life.
4)More of her home life(it's happy, or was) and brings
Ranma on stage in a physical manner that is telling.
"Arrogant grace"
To my mind, the important things are to put as much
information
into a line as possible. Also, show rather than tell.
This is not hard and
fast but it's a good rule of thumb.
*Damn F4,* she thought. *They think they can run the
school just
because they have money.*
After lightly thrashing the student down, the group
started towards her
way and Akane quickly turned around, not wanting to
call attention upon
herself.
##Lightly thrashing? Ummm, not very satisfactory.
Show what is happening and, more importantly _why_.
The last thing she wanted to do was make any of the
F4 notice her.
Especially not Ranma Saotome, their confirmed leader.
He was the
richest student at the school and she also heard his
family owned a successful
chain of martial arts dojou's all over the world.
Akane had taken to the art
when she was very little and she was sure she could
hold her own against
most people. But Ranma Saotome was different. She
heard horrible stories
about him and if she could, she would stay out of his
way. The last three
members of the F4 consisted of Tatewaki Kuno, a brash
and loud member who was
always chasing after woman with his counterpart Mikado
Senzenine. The last
member who was unlike any of the others, Ono Tofuu.
She had often heard his
violin while walking through the courtyard, but never
had the courage to tell
him about the beautiful music. People like Akane just
didn't talk to the
F4.
He was probably just like the others anyway.
##Again, show. Don't tell. While informative it's not
very
exciting. This seems more like author notes. There is
enough
here to be spread over several chapters at least. I
rather prefer a
sparse style of writing but this is just a bit too
lean.
SHOW each of the characters and let their
personalities be
revealed through their actions. Think about meeting a
person
for the first time. Or, seeing a stranger or someone
you've heard
about. Now, think about all the things that give you
an impression
of that person. The way they look, their eyes, hair,
even how they
smell.
Then, their actions, how they walk, gesture, shake
hands, word choice
and tone of voice.
All of these things and a hundred other little clues
blend together.
Then there are built in biases of the watcher (in this
case Akane).
How the watcher reacts and interprets these various
clues to build
a picture in their mind.
There are three views of a person
1)How they see themselves
2)How other see them
3)How they really are.
Use all of these views to _show_ the characterization
to the reader.
Of course her pride as a martial artist was hurt when
she couldn't help
those in need, but the last thing she needed was more
trouble.
##Interesting. Indicates that she's had trouble in the
past.
Her eyes widened as the trash bin she was working with
was knocked hard
to
the ground by the passing F4 leader. But, her kept
walking without
bothering to apologize. Akane was almost glad, even
though she had a
few
choice words she would have liked to have said. She
turned to pick up
her
lost bin when she got the shock of her life. Ono
Tofuu had already
picked
up the pail and gave her a quick smile before joining
the others.
Akane was agast. A member of the F4 had done
something for her? A shy
smile slowly crept up the sides of her mouth. Then
again, maybe he
wasn't
like them.
She tried to wipe the stupid grin from her face when
she was distracted
by a
call from her friend Sayuri who was waving from across
the football
field.
##Still a little slow. And very like HYD to this
point.
"AKAAAAANE!!!!" Sayuri shouted excitedly. "Hurry up!!
I still want to
go
for ice cream you know!"
Akane smiled, so maybe the year wouldn't be so hard
after all. Funny
thing
about thinking something like that, there's always a
God listening.
Unfortunately for Akane, it wasn't the God she would
have hoped for.
##Cute.
************
"...and then Daddy said I could only have 50 people
there... Akane are
you
listening to me?!" Sayuri said she she stuck her face
into Akane's.
"I am I am!" Akane insisted, but couldn't figure out
why she felt dread
in
the pit of her stomach. She decided to ignore it for
the moment and
concentrate on her irate friend.
Sayuri smiled, "This is going to be the best year
ever, Akane! You'll
see!
Daddy even said I could bring a friend along to Hawaii
this summer, so
of
course that's you!"
Akane smiled brightly, "That's wonderful,
Sayuri-chan!! You know I
can't
afford anything like that..."
Sayuri patted her friend's shoulder hard, "Don't
worry!! I'll be you
friend
even if you ARE poor!"
"Sayurrrrrriiiiiiii!!" Akane cried as she took off
after her already
retreating friend. Unfortunately she couldn't stop
Sayuri before she
noticed the trash pail by the stairs.
##Cute. A nice section of dialogue and action.
"IYAAAAA!" Sayuri shouted as she descended, face first
down the stairs.
Akane could only shake her head. "Serves you rig..."
Akane quickly
stopped
as she saw who Sayuri landed on.
Sayuri could only laugh at her clumsiness. She rolled
to the right and
rubbed her head. "Ittaiiiii... wow I'm such a klutz
sometimes. Listen
I'm
really sorry for bumping into you..." Her eyes
widened. This wasn't
happening. This absolutely could not be happening.
"Saotome-sama...,"
she
breathed.
The boy on the ground looked at her with hard eyes and
a sore head.
##Cute. Again, nice action and dialogue.
Sayuri quickly got off the ground and tried to pull
him to his feet,
but he
only slapped her hand away.
"Gomen Nasai!! Honto ni Gomen Nasai!! I didn't
mean... It was an
accident.
I swear if I had known.." Sayuri spats out, the fear
evident in her
eyes.
##Perhaps another verb than "spat". IMO doesn't quite
fit.
Ranma Saotome pushed himself up in one deft movement
and glared at the
girl,
ready to strike her for her insolence.
## Needs just a bit more description to bring the
scene
alive for the reader.
Sayuri squeezed her eyes shut. It was better to be
punished this way
than
be red flagged. She awaited the slap, but was
surprised to hear a
collective gasp instead. She cautiously opened her
eyes to see Akane
standing in front of her, holding Ranma's hand tight
in her own.
Sayuri had
always known Akane was good at martial arts, but good
enough to catch
Saotome-sama?
##Nice.
"Quit it," Akane spat in disgust.
##Too much spiting. ^_^
Ranma's eyes were opened wide, as well as everyone
else's who gathered
at
the scene. That is, all except Tofuu's.
"Why you...," Ranma said ready to strike this girl
instead.
##Again, more description. And some variety in your
word choice.
Example::
Ranma's eyes were opened wide >> indicates surprise.
What more can be done with this?
{perhaps nothing, but I usually try several different
ways of doing a scene, just to see what happens.)
Let's examine the situation a bit more. We have Ranma
& the F4
(Ummm, I just happened to think. F4>> four flowers
from the names
I believe. You might want to think of how you're going
to
connect the F4 name to your new group)
We have Ranma & the F4.
I've envisioned Ranma &co. moving from right to left.
(I usually draw a little sketch with stick figures to
help
me keep track.)
Sayuri falls down the steps, coming from Ranma's
right.
Akane, coming down the stairs after Sayuri.
Sayuri gets off him and stands. Ranma stands, facing
her.
Akane follows down the stairs, which puts her on
Ranma's
right side in position to intercept his slapping hand.
Now we have the physical set-up, what's the emotional
set-up?
What kind of girl is Sayuri? An athlete? Scholar?
Brave, timid?
What kind of Guy(s) are Ranma
and the F4? Just from the little we know, Ranma is
rich and nasty.
But there are all sorts of rich & nasty. Cold and
plotting.
Hot and hasty. Calculating and vindictive. . .^_^
There's a LOT of room to play
around with the characters and situation.
Quite often I will write little side stories that
never make it
into the story to be posted. These little vignettes
serve to flesh
out the main characters and story. Make them more
three
dimensional.
Now that all that is out of the way, let's get back to
the
original scene.
Ranma's eyes opened wide in shock, then
narrowed in anger.
OR
Ranma stiffened in shock, unable to believe
someone would dare oppose him.
OR
Time itself seemed to stop . . .
OR
The was a collective gasp from the gathered
crowd as Ranma's flashing blow was stopped inches
from it's target.
##As you can see there are a lot of ways to do just
this
bit. It's not just a matter of _this_ particular
scene. You need
to think several scenes or even chapters ahead. How is
_this_ scene
going to affect the next. How can I use this dialogue,
these actions
to set-up the following chapters.
In this particular scene you're showing Ranma and the
F4
for the first time. Just like meeting someone for the
first time
these impressions are very important. You're also
showing that
Akane is a martial artist of high caliber.
The words and actions you use should be considered in
terms of what
you are going to do later on.
"Don't you have anything better to do than strike a
girl who obviously
can't
defend herself?! You guys think you run the school
just because you
have
money! You make me sick!!" She all but screamed.
##Don't need {She all but screamed."
This is implied from the actions. I'd delete it and
let
the dialogue stand on it's own.
Ranma eyed the girl over. He didn't know her, but was
very glad she
had
said what she had. It was time to have some fun at
this school again.
##A little awkward. OTOH it's nice foreshadowing. And
different from HYD.
"Let's go," he said to the three that stood behind
him. They obeyed
without
a second thought and soon the F4 had left.
"Akane...," Sayuri said with some misery.
Akane slumped to the ground, breathing very hard. She
had just
challenged
the leader of the F4. She had challenged Ranma
Saotome.
So much for a quiet year.
##Very nice ending, starting with "Akane slumped" to
"So much for a quiet year."
************
TBC...
************
Okay, so I don't know where the heck this came from
since I really
don't like crossovers. But I just couldn't get it out
of my head. this
didn't take me too long to write, it just kinda fo
fell out. I LOVE HYD, my
fave anime along with Mosquiton and Kenshin. I always
wanted to write a fic
for it but I couldn't find a good storyline since the
anime wrapped it up
pretty nicely and the manga is still going. So, liked
it? Hated it? please
tell me. C&C always welcome!!
_
##Hmmm, HYD and Kenshin. Now THERE'S a fanfic. ^_^
Overall: C+ to B. It's hard to tell from
a fragment.
An very nice concept. Some sections VERY well
executed.
Others rather bland and one section that read like
author notes.
My suggestion is that the author NOT try so hard to
re-create
HYD. There is no doubt from reading that the author
can write
entertaining dialogue and situations. A fairly common
failing in
cross-overs , fusions or fanfiction in general, IMO,
is trying to
follow an established plot line too closely. This
stifles the authors
creativity. Develop your characters. Establish your
situations.
In this case you have the Ranma cast in the HYD
universe.
How are they different? The same?
Is Akane's mother alive? Is her father dead?
Perhaps Akane is the sole support of her sisters.
How has growing up rich affected Ranma's developement?
Is he cultured? Spoiled? Are martial arts still his
main focus?
What is his father like?
What is the age difference between Tofu and the rest?
IS he the same
age? (In which case he's not quite the same Tofu.)
Once you've established this, put your characters in
place and see
what happens.
It looks as if you have a good idea of what you want
to do.
This fragment, while a nice teaser, was very rushed.
It was successful, VERY successful in making me want
to read
more.
I do suggest that you be very careful about being too
predictable.
Part of the fun of HYD is the dramatic tension
resulting from NOT knowing
what was going to happen next . . .who was going to
end up with whom.
In this case it seems to be following the Ranma/HYD
formula a little
to closely. While there is a lot to be said for
familiar, comfortable
story lines if you get _too_ comfortable the story
loses its zip.
I _love_ the idea. And some of your dialogue (the
places where
it seems to be YOU, and not a re-hash of HYD/Ranma) is
very good.
Just make sure you don't try _too_ hard to reproduce
either
series. I'd rather read YOUR words and ideas. And it
makes for
a better story that way. It will be more fluid and
natural if you let
the story flow in a natural progression rather than
trying to force
the situation to follow the original story line(s).
For example, while I like putting Ranma and Akane
together . . .
In YOUR story it should follow naturally from the
situations you have
set up. NOT because of either Ranma _or_ HYD
storylines.
This creates dramatic tension and the reader keeps
coming
back because they want to _know_ who she ends up with.
And, also, because they care about the characters.
I hope this has helped a little.
I like the idea and you've show that you can write.
Just remember that people want to read YOUR words
and ideas.
Good luck.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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