My comments##
Everything is In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful and ignore
the rest.
From:
Kyhdin@aol.com | Block address
Date:
Thu, 20 Apr 2000 17:43:36 EDT
Subject:
[FFML] [Fanfic][R.5][Supernatural(working
title)<chapter 1>
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Before we get into the fic, I'd like to tell you all a
quick story:
<SNIP>
##Ummm, you need to watch author notes that are
longer that some stories. It was interesting, but I'd
put it
at the END.
**********
Like most major cities, Tokyo, Japan, has districts.
Usually, these
were
originally towns that simply got absorbed when Tokyo
expanded its
borders.
One of them, Juuban, has been of late, the home of
many sightings of
girls in
sailor suits battling monsters.
##Cute. A little slow. Needs to be tightened up.
Then there's Nerima.
Nerima's a small, quiet district on Tokyo's
northwestern side. Its
mostly
home to traditional Japanese restaurants, shops, and
artists. Canals
run
through it, and the air is filled with the smells of
food, oils and men
and
women shouting at each other.
Years ago, the area was home to magicians, sorcerers,
and alchemists.
Some of
what they wrought still lingers and in the quiet early
morning light,
you can
feel it, a slight tingle along the hairs on the back
of your neck.
Nerima is
alive. Not alive as you or I might define the term,
but nevertheless,
there
is a sort of awareness about the place, which gives
rise to many tales
and
traditions.
##Interesting. A nice idea. Still rather slow.
One of those tales tells of how Nerima is protected by
a Guardian. A
physical
powerhouse which is usually in the form of a great
white tiger, though
it has
been known to use other forms.
Of late, the current Guardian is believed to be one
Ranma Saotome, a
teenaged
martial artist who has managed to come out on top in
almost every
challenge
he has come to.
ALMOST every challenge. . . .
##Ummm, a little to much exposition. It would be more
powerful
if much shorter. Much of what is presented would be
better _shown_
in later chapters.
**********
"Oh ho ho oh Ranma darling!"
"Kodachi!" Ranma yelped as he leapt out the way of the
spiked
gymnastics club
that came whistling down from the rooftops.
Confused? You should be if you're new to Nerima. Ah,
so you are. I
suppose
you're also wondering why the locals aren't reacting
to the fight?
Its fairly simple, for Nerima, especially in the past
two years, this
is
normal.
You see, Ranma has his share of problems. More then he
should.
You see,
## "You see," used already.
I also find the omnipotent narrator annoying and
distracting.
I may get used to.
some time back, Ranma's father engaged him to one of
the three
daughters of Soun Tendo. Neither man has much in the
way of common
sense and
so completely ignored the fact that their children
might not be as
agreeable
to the marriage as they were.
They weren't.
##Cute.
Ranma wound up being engaged to Akane Tendo, the
youngest of Soun's
three
daughters, a cute, elfin faced tomboy with a violent
temper that Ranma,
who
lacks social graces of any kind, manages to trigger on
a daily basis.
##Ummm, so far a lot of words but nothing much new.
If you need to re-hash Ranma do so. But it slows the
pace when
presented in such a large chunk.
<SNIP> re-telling of the fiancees.
Ranma has one other problem. . . .
With water.
##:( IMO 90% of the opening segment should be removed.
Or, at the very least, re-written so that it is
integrated with
the story through out later chapters.
Some of it is cute and rather amusing. However,
presented
in one large block it's rather hard to digest.
<SNIP>
Now aside from the fact that Ranma was wearing silk,
which is
absolutely
destroyed by water, there is that other problem that
was mentioned
earlier.
##Interesting. I don't think anyone has mentioned the
effect of water on
silk. OTOH this may not be applicable to Ranma's
clothing. He's been
wearing the same thing for a while now. And the
Mongolian warriors wore
silk (A tight weave keeps the barbed heads from
ripping free on the way out
when you remove them)
Still, it makes for an interesting passage so I'd keep
it. It fits and it's cute.
<SNIP>
Still, an explanation is in order.
##No it isn't. ^_~
Very, very slow. Still not much new. A _few_ cute
spots.
<SNIP>
Now that we're all caught up on explanations, I'm
going to quit
breaking the fourth wall and get on with the story.
## ^_^;;;;
<SNIP>
"I'm right here." Ranma pointed out, even though she
knew it was
useless. Like
her brother, Kodachi firmly believed that Ranma's boy
and girl half
were
separate people and that the girl half was evil.
##Still narrating. And still nothing new.
"<SNIP>
"Good-bye," Kodachi said simply, and raised the club.
Ranma closed her
eyes
and said her good-byes, bracing herself for the
impact. But instead the
world
was shattered by a loud roar.
##Ummm, well this is a little new. Ranma didn't even
try throwing
something at her (Like a ch'i attack or a piece of
trash)
Opening her eyes, Ranma saw Kodachi being menaced by a
huge white
tiger.
"So," Kodachi's eyes narrowed. "My brother is correct,
Ranma Saotome
does
consort with the forces of darkness!" She looked over
at Ranma. "And
its your
fault witch!" With that, she bounded away into the
street and vanished
into
the crowd.
##Much better. IMO you should have started with this.
Delete everything before
Kodachi's attack. Cut to the new material. This is
interesting. And I like Koachi's
reaction to the Tiger. You need to make her homicidal
urge just a bit clearer.
She and her brother talk a good game, but they haven't
actually managed to kill
anyone yet. I don't mind if they do. The set-up to
the attempted
murder of Ranma is just a little weak.
For a moment, the tiger seemed ready to give chase and
then it stopped
and
looked back at Ranma. It stood there, glancing from
the mouth of the
alley
and Ranma's prone form then it sighed and padded over
to him.
Carefully, it leveled him up onto its back and then
turned and ran,
moving
with such grace that Ranma was not jostled from his
precarious perch.
##errrr, Neko-ken? Cat phobia? I don't mind you (or
the tiger) getting
around it. I'd just like a little explanation. At
least a mention of it at this point.
Perhaps something to the effect that 1)Ranma had been
cured by hundreds of
hours watching Hello Kitty on TV 2)Ranma is surprised
that _this_ cat
doesn't affect him
================
Kasumi hummed to herself as she took the laundry down,
<SNIP>
Turning, she witnessed a giant white tiger leap over
the back wall and
land
lightly on the grass.
"Oh my!" Kasumi gasped, dropping the laundry. On the
beast's back was
Ranma.
"Inside," Kasumi said, indicating the house. "quickly,
before anyone
sees."
Once inside, Kasumi slid Ranma from the tiger's back
and then crouched
over
her.
<SNIP>
Standing, Kasumi stood and looked at the tiger, which
had not moved.
"Go
now," she said firmly. "You are no longer needed in
this matter."
The tiger shuddered and then began to shrink,
gradually resolving into
a
teenaged girl dressed in blue overalls and a red
shirt.
Nabiki Tendo looked up at Kasumi with terrified eyes.
"Kasumi?" She asked quietly.
##Very, very good.
"<SNIP>
Why did it have to be Nabiki? And why now?
##Overall. The first 50% of the story was a complete
waste of time.
Once you got to Kodachi and the White tiger, other
than some
glitched in presentation you have a story.
And the story is a very good one
Get rid of the exposition,re-telling of Ranma, etc.
start with YOUR story. It's a good read.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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