Ok, PLEASE read this and comment, ok? If no
feedback is given, it will not be continued!!!!
*smiles* Arigatou!! ^_^
*huggies*
~Akane Miata~
---------------------
:) We wouldn't want THAT, now, would we? But remember, Miss Miata, you
asked for it! ^^;; ::throws her arms over her head, anyway:: Also keep in
mind that I usually can't explain WHY things are, just that they should be.
The year is 2052.
The city is Neo Tokyo-Nerima.
The time is, 3:45 am.
This is where our story begins...
No need for the comma. 'The time is' and '3:45 am' are not separate
clauses.
The dark figure took a step forward and spoke in a voice that didn't
reveal its' gender. "Where's my money and the disk?" The man
swallowed and contemplated purgatory. He decided it was better to be
there than here.
Its means 'belonging to it.' It's is a contraction of it and is. So you
don't need the apostrophe after its.
However, that fact alone didn't stop the man. Mistaking the figure's
words for freedom, he reached into his inside coat pocket and pulled
out a small, brown paper wrapped package. Tossing her the package, he
allowed a small self-satisfied smile to cross his face.
Okay, I think the phrase 'brown paper wrapped' needs some dashes, because
I'm confused. Is the package brown and wrapped with paper, or is it wrapped
with brown paper? See, a couple of dashes, and your readers wouldn't need
to guess (but then again, they're not as picky). Connect brown to paper
with a dash if you mean it's wrapped with brown paper. If you mean it's a
brown package, wrapped with paper, connect paper to wrapped. ^^;;
(Remember, you asked for C&C! Doooon't hit me--like I don't get enough of
that!)
The figure weighted the package in its' black gloved hands, then placed
the package inside the dark trench coat. "I am glad to see that, at
least the business part of this deal still has its' integrity. But you
have to answer one small question before you go."
Isn't that weighed, you mean? Again, there's the deal with the dashes
between black and gloved, but then, it's your fic. ^^; Then, you've got
his speech. Is 'I am glad to see that,' and the rest of the sentence, two
different clauses? I think you should take out the comma because it'll make
more sense: The shadowy figure's glad to see that at least the business part
of the deal, etc...
Giddy with relief and the thought of seeing his family again, the man
agrees. The figure sighed and reaches into the coat again. "Why have
you still in contact with the 'Vulture'?"
I think you might have a problem with tenses in this paragraph. I haven't
seen it anywhere above, but what you'd written previously was written in
past tense, whereas this is written in a mix of past and present.
The man, if possible, paled even further. Visions of his massacred
family whisked if front of his eyes. "I-I don't kno-" The hand inside
the coat was pulled out. Holding a strange weapon. Looking
frighteningly similar to a gun, the man was not deceived. He knew what
it was. Smaller and gleaming silver in the pale light, he knew how
dangerous it was.
Whisked IN front of his eyes, isn't it?
<:) At least it's not as bad as a sword or a dagger--I hate blood. ^^;
The figure he had always known by the Code Name: Scarlet Ice, was
nothing more than a child! Her toned body revealed that she was no
mere child, but a deadly weapon. Firm but with enough curves to make
even his mouth water. The black bodysuit covering her body
gleamed with the moonlight. Accenting everything from her full breasts
to her smooth waist to her long legs. Ryouga's eyes moved back to her
face.
A child, eh? You must mean compared to Ryouga! I get it now. ^_^
And I was reading a book on writing today that told me to get a "Wise
Reader," one I could watch as they read my story to see what their reactions
were. Well, here, I'll tell you my thoughts: "Scarlet Ice? What a weird
name! Kinda... clicheish, I dunno." However, it IS your story. :)
(Speaking of your story, I DO like it; don't think I don't--picking at
things is a habit of mine. I do this to published books, too.)
But the rest of her remained in the shadows. "Its time." Ryouga
nodded his head and bowed before this goddess of death. "My life is
yours to take as you wish." The girl smiled softly and pulled the
trigger. A small projectile, the size of a pinhead shot into Ryouga,
right above his heart.
It is, so your Its, in the first line, should be It's. Also, is the person
saying "Its time" Ryouga or Ice, because the second spoken sentence sounds
like Ryouga's, but I thought the first was Ice... If there're different
people speaking, you need to set the new speaker on a new paragraph.
The young girl walked over to him. Bending down beside him, she placed
one soft kiss on his forehead. His twitching stopped and with a soft
sigh, his soul left his body. She took one hand and closed his eyes.
Then reaching into her coat, she put the gun away and pulled out a
single white rose. Placing it in his hand, she stood and turned to
walk out of the alley.
Well, here's just a suggestion. JUST a suggestion, has nothing to do with
wrongness, JUST a suggestion. Since her name's Scarlet, how 'bout the rose
is blood-red, bred or genetically altered to become that color? Then again,
there's her last name, Ice, so the white's a good choice, too. :) (It was
just a suggestion!)
She stopped and turned to look at him. <He looks so peaceful. Even in
death, others find peace and I am left to envy them all.> With a quick
smirk, she turned again and walked out into the street. The moon came
out from its clouds and shone down on the Angel of Death.
If she envies them, how come she smirks?
Illumination her one long steak of scarlet hair amongst all the dark,
as she disappeared into the shadows again...
Illuminating, maybe? Streak instead of steak? Maybe get rid of all?
--------
So did you like it?? Hate it?? Any comments??
ANYTHING!!! Please!! ^.^ Thankies!
:} This is INTERESTING! I want more! :P Do write more! I want to see
what happens with Scarlet!
And you're welcome, although my welcome probably wasn't welcome, anyhoo. ;)
Do you get that?
Nibun