Mama is a Fourth Grader. Original story by
Yadate Hajime. Animation Production by
Sunrise.
BTW what is this story?
William Dix and St. Suika, the most
recent volunteers. ^_^
No longer the most recent volunteers; the most recently accepted
perhaps.....
Sukeban Senshi Chapter 7 Part 3 of 3
At last!!!!!
Where's chapter 8? <g>
I'm _not_ sorry I'm still here." Soban's eye blazed and she
tried to force herself up, only to have Jules firmly but gently
press her back down on the bed. "There are some orders
you can't give _boss_. Asking me to leave you is one of
them."
Didn't Usagi try that a couple of times too?
"I thought you took it out." Takeuchi said faintly,
brushing her bangs back from her eyes. "You said----"
Not too quick is she?
"She's a maniac," Kome spluttered as she was thrust
from the room. "She should be locked up before she get's
someone killed."
"That sounds odd coming from you, Miss'if you've
got bullets keep shooting'." Matsudaira spoke with fond
exasperation.
LOL
"Soban?" There was a soft knock at the door. "I'm
sorry to bother you," A petite young woman with dark
reddish brown hair and wearing the uniform of the Island
staff stuck her head in the door. "but I need----"
................
"Don't ask me Suika-san," Soban said sourly. "I'm
just the boss." At the woman's confused look Soban made a
sign of assent with her mittened hands.
have you ever worked in a high end restaurant? you describe it
well enough. (yes I am a chef)
"Have you got any----" Ami looked at the tray with
a hopeful look.
Well I guess _somebody_ had to be a chow hound in the group :)
"Are they working with Beryl?" Minako asked in
concern. "And what about Momiji? They called her
princess. Could she be the _Moon_ Princess?"
Not likely
"Now Luna," Artemis said placatingly as he
followed the black cat into the room. "I think you're being a
little har----aaaahhhh!" Artemis fell back, startled and
bleeding as Luna slashed him across the face.
"Traitors," Luna spat. "Oath breakers!" She stalked
forward implacable as death, half mad and wholly wild.
"You exist to serve the Princess. You live _and _ die at her
pleasure." The ragged stump of her tail lashed the air
angrily.
What crawled up her #$! and died?
"Luna!" Rei ignored the black cat's anger and
moved toward her with a glad cry. "Are you alright?" She
asked worriedly, noting bone shining whitely from the space
once occupied by Luna's left ear. "Where have you been?"
She reached out to scoop up the painfully thin cat, only to
jerk back, nursing a bleeding wound.
"LUNA!" Artemis rounded on his erstwhile
companion angrily. "Apologize to Rei at once."
"Apologize?!" Luna's laughter chilled their blood.
"To traitors who have abandoned their duty? Oath breakers
whose lives are forfeit?" Her frail body began to glow.
"Oath breakers I name you, outlaw and abomination."
Seriously. Has she lost it?
"Luna," Horrified Artemis moved to stop her. "what
are you doing?"
"I found her . . .the gateless gate . . .wheel without
hub or rim or spokes . . .the last Senshi."
Yes, I think she has.
"What?"
"Last Senshi? What are you talking about?"
"Artemis? What's she talking about?"
Luna ignored the babel around her. Knocking
Artemis aside with a slashing blow she streaked for the exit.
Pausing at the door she looked back over her shoulder.
"Together _we_ will find the Princess. And _you_ will reap
the bitter tears of traitors." With that parting shot she
vanished as if she'd never been.
Since when has Luna been a violent psycho? I hope you plan on going
over some (if not all) of her past to explain this level of
irrationality.
Luna was always the most stable and well adjusted of any character,
save perhaps Queen Serenity. Even if she was a bit bitchy. (in the NA
dub at least) I can see the shock value this has.... but for
continuity's
sake, I hope you explain it in the next chapter.
"Artemis," Minako said slowly from where she sat.
"What just happened?"
"Ummm, I found Luna?"
duh! *g*
<Yakuza Scene>
This is clasic Soban overcomes all weakness before an enemy
scene. With pleanty of humor, although dark and crude. (don't
change that!!) I think these are the scenes where we see Usagi's
strength of heart come through. She was content to be a target,
but go after someone she cares about.....
That's the way Usagi was too. She could only find her strength to
fight when others were threatened. That Soban has no Magic, and
is in a weakened condition. Ya just gotta love it.
I know it doesn't fit in this scene, but I do think you should show
her increased suffering as a result of these. It's gotta take something
out of her to do that. I say show her weaknesses if for no other
reason than I like seeing someone so strong, having a streak of
humanity.
It was her. Luna skittered down the streets, careful
to keep her prey in sight. It _had_ to be her. The
desperately ill moon cat's fevered brain would admit no
other possibility. This was the fifth Senshi . . .the one who
would find _her_ Princess, punish the traitors. She _was_
the fifth Senshi . . .she was . . .she WAS . . .
OK. the feverd brain thing helps explain her prior actions, but I still
stand
on what I said before. You really shoud go back and explain just where
in the nine hells she has been.
"You are the one I have been seeking. The last
. . .and the first . . .
"That's nice."
That's Soban all right.
. . .before the blackness of the Aragami Null Field was
pierced by a flash of silver light
Makes sense so far....
and an unseen hand grabbed
Soban and shook her as a terrier shakes a rat----
So much for making sense.
Once triggered the Arathai'Ka
Arathai'Ka????
attempted to merge
with its host and fulfill it's imperative. Unlike the Senshi's
Aegis Primes for Fire, Air, Earth or Water the ancient
artifact had no power of its own.
Anou..... Sparkley lights, hypercharged yellow Tron like frisbee....
these things ring a bell?
It's purpose was to join and harmonize, melding the senshi
into a unified whole.
Sailor Moon was around and active before any of the other Senshi.
How could it/she harmonize powers and people that haven't been
encountered yet, and could easily not even exist?
The Silver Millennium, known to it's rulers as the
Fifth Evolution,
Fifth Evolution???
Unfortunately there was a tear in Soban's soul . . .an
emptiness that left her unbalanced and unable to meld the
disparate senshi into a graceful harmony.
I can see this easily enough...
Soban screamed and fell to her knees, clawing at
her face, as the elegant seductive dance of transformation
became a brutal rape of fire and blood.
ok......
The Arathai'Ka attempted to repair the hole and
failed. The damage was too massive. Undaunted the
mechanism followed the corrupted threads of Soban's life
back through time, trying to find an undamaged template.
Shouldn't bee too hard. Go back before the accident. Or if an older
more physically developed form is needed, the Silver Milennium.
Following the sun-coloured strands into the past the
Arathai'Ka scoured the Fifth Evolutions ten million year
Evolutions needs an <'s>
history for a time when the threads were pure gold,
untainted by blackness. But the rot had spread throughout
all of her lives, all of time-was and time-might-be of the
Fifth Evolution were filled with blackness.
Now how the heck did this happen? How the @$##@ could Soban's
somewhat-less-than-ethical actions taint not only the past, but the
distant
past, and the potential timelines. Karma don't hit that way. And
considdering
the dual Jeddites, it is entirely possible that the Arathi'Ka??? (Where
did
that come from anyway?) could have jumped to the other timeline too.
Faster and further the working of the Silver
Millenium sped . . .past the Fourth Evolution. Masters and
slaves of time whose understanding of temporal flux was
almost perfect. And whose imperfect understanding doomed
them utterly.
Creaters of the Gates of Time? Sailor pluto comes from here perhaps?
The Third Evolution, whose half billion year history
of songs and poetry so beautiful that stones would weep
were all written in the blood and despair of a million races.
You are losing me as you go back.
The golden threads were thinner now, still fouled
and unusable as the Arathai'Ka hunted through the Second
Evolution for a life untainted.
Again, Why? I have no problems with temporal theory. That might
be part of my problem.......
Great living ships swam
between the stars and sentient cities tended their god-like
rulers for a million million years before they passed quietly
into the long night. But even here the taint existed,
spreading still further into the past.
Almost at it's limit the Fifth Evolution's servitor
flashed through the First Evolution; iron fisted warriors
before whom even their gods bent their necks and who died
of grief when there were no foes left to fight. Still the
blackness spread through golden threads, thinned almost to
invisibility as they stretched across the chasm of eternity.
There was nowhere else in time-was or time-might-be to
search.
Time-might-be offers infinite possibility. that is the beauty of it.
Galaxies raced _toward_ each other as the star fields
collapsed inward toward the beginning. The sky was a
white hot blaze of fusion storms and quark plasma as the
Silver Millennium's last gift to time-is crashed into the wall
of eternity----
************************************************
And I thought it was confusing, disjointed and unlikely before. We
ain't
seen nothin' yet
She had no name.
Alone as no creature had ever been alone she needed
none. She was the last of the first. Last child of the first race
to arise as the universe cooled.
She hunted.
Prowling through the blasted ruins of a city that had
once stretched a hundred kilometers into the sky and ruled a
million stars, she hunted. Clusters of sensory filaments
waved gently over her head like a cloud of rainbows gently
tasting the currents of entropy. A hot wind of diamond dust
scoured the fallen golden spires, pitted and worn by a
thousand millennium of cosmic rays.
This part is pretty cool actually.
She hungered.
She could not remember a time when she had not
been hungry. A constant ripping pain that sometimes sent
her into a howling tearing frenzy, snapping at the ground,
tearing great chunks of collapsium alloy from the skeletons
of buildings or ripping flesh from her bones in an effort to
appease her need.
but it's not holding.
She fought.
Against the wind, the hunger, the extinction of her
race as the universe collapsed in on itself. Following the
currents of time as they shattered against the entropy wall
she tried again to breach the barrier between death and
birth. She fought because her race had been born to fight,
because she didn't know how to do anything else.
Thunder shook the air as the dying Arathai'Ka
smashed through the barrier in a sleet of gamma radiation
and tachyons that blazed against the death agony of
colliding galaxies like a beacon. With the last of her
carefully hoarded strength she twisted space in a desperate
leap for the weakened entropy wall----
now it's turning weird.
God eater.
Ok. That last section is just plain weird. A cat?!?! Where did that
come from? I am afraind I just cant follow it. I can see the intent.
POV from a creature that relies on instinct... but where did it come
from. why did the story even go here? I am sorry, but the story was a
dissapointmen from the transformation on.
my overall opinion is -- Huh?
But I'm not going to give up on this one. Please, either rework this
one,
or explain it in the next chapter, or both. And if you don't mind,
could you
perhaps explain some of your temporal mechanics to me.
also, One more time, I am volunteering to be a prereader.
KT out.
--
"Sometimes we must do things, not because they are the right things
to do, or the easiest things to do, or the ones that will bring us
rewards. Sometimes, we must do things because they must be done."
-- "Waters Under Earth" by Alan Harnum