Doug said everything important that I'd have said on part one, so let's
go straight into the next part:
Kyhdin@aol.com wrote:
Akane beat Tofu to the front door by about one minute and she was fighting
mad.
"That stupid baka promised he'd meet me!" Akane shouted as she kicked off her
shoes and stormed into the house. "I'm gonna kill him!"
This is too extreme a reaction from her, unless there's some special
circumstance that we ought to know about. Contrary to fanfic myth, Akane
is not angry at Ranma by default. If you read the manga, most of the
time you see them together they get along fine until the plot
intercedes.
"Kodachi-" Was as far as the older girl got before Akane's anger flared to
was (no caps; it's part of the same sentence)
When Ranma opened her eyes, he found herself staring into Akane's and Doctor
Please use either "he" or "she" to refer to female Ranma. Either makes
sense, but it gets extremely confusing if you switch between them.
"Well hello Ranma," Tofu said as he shone a bright light into Ranma's eyes.
hello, Ranma,"
"In a moment," Tofu said as he went to the phone. Neither Akane, or Ranma
Neither Akane nor Ranma
"Hello Shampoo." Tofu said pleasantly and upended a bucketful of cold water
"Hello, Shampoo,"
"Thank you Shampoo," Tofu said and emptied the tea kettle full of hot water
you, Shampoo,"
"Why Doctor do that?" Shampoo demanded.
Shampoo is naked now. Doesn't anybody care?
"Why Arien not act crazy?" Shampoo whispered as she leaned over to Akane?
Airen (spelling)
over to Akane. (you don't want a question mark there)
"Its an old story. Nobody really knows where the Guardian comes from. She
appears when she's needed and disappears when she's not." He pushed his
glasses back up his nose. "A lot of people think you're the Guardian Ranma."
Guardian, Ranma."
"Same difference. It may be a ghost, but its still a cat." Tofu paused and
it's
'Only that you're paying the price for an ancestor's sins.' Kasumi thought
darkly. "You're going to be fine Nabiki," She said aloud.
fine, Nabiki,"
Since Kasumi hadn't started dinner, the rest of the house elected to order in
>from Uuchans.
Ucchan's
"So where's Kasumi?" Ukyou, who had been invited to stay for dinner, asked.
"Upstairs doin stuff probably," Ranma said as he started in on his fourth
doin' (missing letters are indicated by an apostrophe)
"Hello Nabiki," Kasumi said as though she had just entered the room instead
"Hello, Nabiki,"
"Oh. Yeah," Nabiki looked away. "What's happening to me Oneechan?"
me,
"You are the Guardian," Kasumi began. In the past four hours, Kasumi had
debated on exactly how much to tell her younger sister. The whole truth was
out of course, Nabiki could never accept it, not in her present state. Nabiki
would have to be told part of the truth then. "A long time ago, back when
Nerima was first founded, the villagers fell victim to a horde of bandits.
Every year, they had to pay a tithe to them or be killed. Then one year, as
the time for the tithe approached, one of the village women sought out a
witch, offering herself and her descendants in return for the power nessacary
necessary
The witch agreed, granting her the power to assume the form of any beast
Need a beginning quote: "The witch
nessacary. The woman went back to the village, and using the form of a giant
necessary
"Yes. A white tiger is usually the form each new Guardian first assumes and
primarily uses throughout their lives. The Guardian's job is to Protect."
As protect isn't a proper name, it shouldn't be capitalized.
"Because, between Ranma, the police, the town Martial Artists, magicians, and
such, there hasn't been anything they couldn't handle."
Magicians? Travelling magic item salesmen, yes, but we've never really
seen any actual magicians in the manga. (No police, either, but we can
more easily presume that they're there. ^_^) Suggest changing to
priests, which there do seem to be plenty of.
"Oh. We ordered from Uuchans and Ukyou and Akane did the dishes."
Ucchan's
Dinner however, proved to be on paper plates.
Dinner, however,
Awakened by a scraping noise, Kasumi peered out the window and saw Nabiki,
Mister Pen-Pen in hand, climbing the ladder to the roof. Satisfied as to the
source of the noise, Kasumi went back to bed.
'Now then Doctor,' she thought to herself as she got comfortable and closed
then, Doctor,'
her eyes. 'where were we?'
Heh. I like this bit. Nicely understated where it could easily have been
crass.
================
The demon looked down at one of its pawns, who was sleeping peacefully, a
wooden bokken in one hand, and picture of a pig-tailed girl in the other.
Um... Kuno sleeps with his bokken in hand??
But now it had its chance again. The Key was close, a tangible presence. The
spell that kept it safe was drawing near the end of its life and the one
person in the town who could re-cast the spell was unaware he had the power.
Erm. Not Gos, I hope. Much as I like seeing him in fics, I'm really
tired of the cliche of him secretly being a super-sorcerer.
"Soon you shall be free Master," The demon hissed to itself as it returned to
free, Master," the
"The form of beasts. . ." She mused and concentrated.
she (same sentence, so no caps)
So whatever it was had just screwed up her carefully ordered life and her
lips twisted into an ugly smile as she made herself a solemn promise;
The bastard was going to pay for that.
Really? How many yen? :)
All in all, not bad. I thought Kasumi was handled quite well. Akane's
rather cliched, at least at first. Nabiki's reactions could've used more
depth. I could see her eventually going along with playing Guardian, but
not nearly this easily. She's used to being peripheral to the weirdness
that infects Ranma and Akane's lives, and likes it that way. IMO, we
need to see a lot more development before she finally accepts the job.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html