On Thu, 20 Apr 2000 03:41:18 -0500 "Disagreeable Jim"
<bm_stine@worldnet.att.net> writes:
Time to make the donuts...
First of all, this story has the potential to be fairly decent, at
the very
least an average read. It does, however, suffer from a number of
problems.
1. The author obviously has no concept of proofreading, not to
mention of
several rules of English grammar. The fic is rife with typos, excess
and/or
missing words, and dozens of punctuation errors. Run-on sentences,
fragments, and the like abound. Also, a little effort in checking
for
misused homophones would be helpful. When you use a word, look back
at the
sentence and make sure that the word you're using fits...if it
doesn't, the
correct word probably sounds the same but is spelled differently.
For
example, in here you use 'grizzly' to refer to pictures of dead
bodies.
While I'm sure homeless men can be quite *grizzly* not having access
to a
razor on a regular basis, the word that correctly describes a
gruesome, gory
image or scene is *grisly*. There's also a difference between being
'taught'
a lesson and pulling a rope *taut*. Not to mention the difference
between
playing a 'chord' on a piano and hanging from a bungee *cord*.
I agree actually, but I also see the FFML as a place for drafts. I'll
admit that my grammar is terrible, and that's one thing I've really
improved since I joined the list. Usually I send fics to the FFML as a
sort of proofread. Then I go back and read it a few more times fixing
what I see wrong as I go. As I said before I don't get as much as I'd
like, I'm still learning more all the time here. I think I learned more
Grammar from the FFML than I did in all four years of highschool.
2. Too many elements are ripped directly out of the first Batman
movie. I'm
sorry, but the 'business meeting' scene and the infamous Jack
Nicholson
quote don't scream homage, they scream rip-off. As does the "I'm
Batman" bit
and the two thugs talking about "bad things...like a giant bat."
Familiarity, I know it seems a little lazy, but I wanted familiar
elements in the early portions of the story so both I and the readers
could get a good grasp of the characters, and so I could get used to
writing Ranma as the Dark Knight. Things I have planned for the future
have absolutely nothing to do with the movies. Especially concerning the
Kuno/Riddler story that comes after Kodachi. You'll notice there was
little in the last part that had anything to do with the movies, I plan
to keep it this way from now on. It was a jumping off point for me than
anything else.
3. Too many plot contrivances, hacknied plot elements, and just
plain bad
continuity. For instance...how did a bat get into the house...for
that
matter, what is a bat doing in the middle of Nerima in the first
place?
Uh, bats are everywhere man. There are bats in cities. I've always got a
few that live in my shed during the summer months.They are highly
adaptive creatures who can live almost anywhere, and the lights of a city
attract large consentrations of insects, which they eat. Most people see
them and think they are birds or large bugs. City bats usually aren't
very big, fitting easily into the palm of your hand.
And the bat got in through the window Ranma was looking out of in the
scene.
The
reason bats were conveniently available in the original is that the
Wayne
estate was built over a natural cavern. If there were caverns
beneath the
Tendou estate, the insanity of the myriad battles that have taken
place
there would have sunk the entire house into them by now. Other
things of
note arise especially in the scene with the pimp and the
prostitute--she
claims that the cops are making things hard, when we saw two cops
*ignore* a
gaggle of whores on the street corner (or were led to believe we saw
this,
at any rate); also, how does one reach into a woman's bra if his
arms are
crossed? That would take some feat of flexibility.
Ahem, she was lying to him, and stealing the money. She was using
current events to make up an excuse. Cops usually leave prostitutes
alone for the most part. They make good informants. However there is a
quota they have to meet, this is usually when they arrest prostitutes.
4. Some things just don't make sense. I can't see Akane--or ANYONE
in the
combined Tendou and Saotome families--getting broken up over
Cologne's
death. They'd be more likely to hear about it, say "That's a shame",
MAYBE
attend the funeral, and then forget all about it. Cologne is hardly
what one
would call a family friend, or anyone truly close to the Tendou
family or to
Ranma, despite her role in his life.
She's been living around them for the better part of four years now, and
since Shampoo left and Ranma married Akane she decided to stay in Japan.
This indicates that their relationship probably got a lot better over
time. I'll admit the other Tendos getting as upset as they seemed might
have been a strech, but Ranma and Akane isn't.
There are some things in this story which particularly work. I like
the
characterization of Ranma here...it works nicely with the Batman
mythos.
Also, the concept of Soun as a reluctant Alfred is intriguing. And
of
course, despite the abuse of cliched material from the first Batman
movie,
Kodachi does make an effective Joker. Also, while I would probably
have
chosen Kunou as Two-Face, what the author has done with him here
works
rather well.
Thanks.
As I said, this story has potential. However, it needs a LOT of work
before
it's ready to be posted to RAAC.
It will get it. As I said before, FFML isn't for completely rough
drafts, but hardly for final drafts either.
ooooooooooooooooooo
Disagreeable Jim
He who denied it, supplied it.
Just say no to prophylactics.
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